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Day 467 – Broken Hearts and Shtuff

April 1, 2017

Hi. It’s 1:40 am… I can’t sleep. Took a nap earlier today. Spent the day by myself today. Feel far away from the world. Want to connect…

I’m leaving soon. Going places where there is no resistance to sharing love and life with others. For the past month or so, I’ve been trying to build connections and bonds here in LA, but haven’t gotten much momentum. Everyone I know is in their own world. They’re either not willing or able to live life with me, and what’s more, there’s so much resistance or lack of appreciation when I try and offer love and connectivity in the ways I can…

And I’m starving. I didn’t realize it ’till the other day. I’m a Love child, and I’m starving.

This past weekend was so lovely. One of my very best friends came into town, just for the weekend, just to see me. I felt so special. We drove out to Northern Cali to a conference I wanted to go to. We had so much fun. We listened to my Feminine Power tapes on the way there and paused and discussed the different things on the tapes. We ate good food and laughed so much. We took pictures of cows and olive trees and grapes and oranges and lakes. We held each other. It was so nice. Like a dream. He and I don’t have any unresolved issues. I’ve known him for a long time and we’ve had many fights, but at this point, I trust that he will tell me the truth and be there for me when I need, and he trusts the same in me. And it was so lovely…

Of course he had to go back home, and I came back to my apartment, but not the same as I was before I left. My apartment was empty. My life was empty. I did the math, and I guess it’s been about two months since I called it quits with My Kind. And it was about two months ago that I started having panic attacks and feeling so depressed. I didn’t realize that I was heartbroken. I didn’t even put two and two together. I was heartbroken. I am heartbroken…

Don’t really know why I was so in love with him. He’s probably the most average Joe I’ve ever dated. But I Loved his golden amber eyes. And I loved the way he would hold me. I don’t believe I’ve ever felt safe in anyone’s arms before him. But he was hurting me so much. He was killing me and he didn’t even know it. He went from treating me so good to not answering calls, not returning texts for days… He lives right on the next block, but I wouldn’t see him sometimes for a whole week. He would hold back and not look me in the eyes anymore when I would see him, and I would ask him what’s going on, and he would say “nothing”. I would wait for him to have dinner with me like we used to, but he would call me after he had eaten dinner on his own, right when he was about to fall asleep. And he would talk to me in his business tone and fall asleep while we were talking… And it was hurting me. And I would tell him how he was hurting me, but he wouldn’t do anything differently. Instead, he would just say something like, “I hear you” and keep doing the same things.

I asked him what he wanted with me, what kind of relationship he wanted to create. He could only tell me what he didn’t want. “I don’t want to lose you,” he said. I’m old enough to know that nothing is created in mutuality with two people choosing to create it, and so I knew that our relationship wasn’t going anywhere, because he refused to choose me. If he would have said, “I want to be with you” or if he would have said, “I’m trying to figure out what I want”, then there would have been some hope. But he didn’t know what he wanted, nor was he trying to figure it out. What he was trying to do is avoid dealing with himself and his issues. What he was trying to do is escape anything that made him feel uncomfortable…

Before the new year, I had bought him all this health stuff that he needed. I was traveling, and I wanted to see him before I traveled. And I called him and told him that I wanted to see him before I leave town and that I wanted to give him his health stuff. He said, “OK”. He called me around 8p, but I missed his call. Then I called him at 9p and he didn’t answer. And he didn’t answer at 10. Or 11. Or 12. I messed around and needed a ride to the airport. Had a 5am flight. Called him. Texted him and asked for help. He didn’t answer or respond. Didn’t hear from him till three days later, when he sent me a text asking if everything was all right…

I guess emotionally, that was the end for me. Physically, though, I would see him a couple more times when I came back in town. The last time I saw him, I asked him if he had been seeing any other women. He had. I do believe I left my body for a moment. When I came back, I was full of pain. I think sometime later he texted me at night telling me he was going to call me. I waited up all night for his call. He didn’t call. I fell asleep crying, and the next morning, I decided I was tired of him hurting me.

I cut things off. Went ghetto “I’ll bust the windows out your car if you fuck with me ever again” with him. I didn’t mean it, but I kind of did. I needed him to understand the seriousness of the damage he was doing. I needed him to understand that some people don’t take it lightly when others mess with their hearts on purpose…

The other day I thought of him. I decided not to think about the last two months of our interaction and instead thought of the first two months. I wanted to remember how it felt to be in Love and to feel safe. I wanted to remember my brief experience with reciprocity and with having a man treat me exactly like I wanted to be treated. After all is said and done, I was in Love. And I was overjoyed to be sharing life with someone who liked doing mundane things like washing clothes and going grocery shopping together; someone who liked giggling and someone who would just hold me when I was mad instead of getting mad at me for being mad. He was height, weight, and age appropriate and he didn’t smoke or drink or have any kids or any other major hangups. And he had a job. And a degree. And a place of his own. And he paid his own bills and helped other people. He was always looking for ways he could help when he was around…

There were things about him that would have prevented us from being a good match – he wasn’t willing to go after his real dreams in life. That’s not a deal breaker, though, ‘cus I think he’d change that when he saw me succeeding at my real dreams. It made him a bit less focused, though. Sometimes he would want to join him as he found ways to amuse himself when I was trying to focus and work on things I was trying to accomplish, and maybe as a partner, if he was around all the time and didn’t have anything he was focused on, it would take me off track or be a source of stress in my life. The real deal breaker, though was that he didn’t deal with conflict well. He would withdraw, say everything’s ok, and then run away…

What I know is that if My Kind really wanted to be with me, then he would say it and he would be with me…

Anyway, I’m going to sleep now. Guess I had to get that sadness off my chest. I’m not gonna pretend like I understand anything. I’m not gonna psychoanalyze myself and beat myself up and say, “Why is Laydie so alone?” I’m not gonna pretend like this shit doesn’t hurt. It does. But what I know about grief is that it hurts less and less as time goes on if you deal with it. If you don’t deal with it, then it just sits inside you undermining everything you do until one day a simple trigger blows it up and you have a panic attack or a meltdown or something.

So I’ll deal with it now. I’ll just cry. I mean, crying must have some sort of purpose. I’ll just cry and I’ll simultaneously find ways to keep my heart open and find people I can share Love with. I’m not going out without a fight, y’all. I am in this to win this and if I die before I make it to the other side of self actualization, no one will ever say that I didn’t do my best…

What I’m gonna do is focus on the life I’m creating now, continue resolving any old issues or old pains, and move in the direction of the things that bring love and peace and joy and abundance to my life, let my intentions be known to the people I Love and the people I want to connect with, and be open to the possibility that everyone I choose may not choose me at the time I choose them, but keep on choosing until I find an open door…

Good night everyone.

Day 467
Broken Hearts and Shtuff

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From → Freedom Songs

2 Comments
  1. Hi, I love this blog. I am not going through this but i feel you. Keep up the writing. -Amber

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