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Day 471 – Like The Movies

May 9, 2017

Hi. It’s 12:09 am. I should be going to sleep, but I had one last thing on my to-do list, which is to do “emotional clean-up”, and I’m going to do so by blogging, as any other stuff might take me many hours.

Hello world. It was a good day today. I got a lot done. I was feeling like shit. I won’t get into it, but my therapist friend did this process on me where I allow myself to feel everything, whether good or bad, and so for the past few days, I’ve been feeling all this sad stuff that I thought I had already gotten over feeling. I was feeling super lonely and alone and heartbroken. I was feeling really unloved and not supported in the ways that I need and I was mad at the fact that I have so many people in my life, but so few that I can go to and just share a joyous, unguarded, open moment with. I was recognizing a deep need for joy in my life.

And so I cried a lot. But something interesting happened today. Normally, when I feel sad, I just go to the bed and go to sleep and don’t do very much. But today, I woke up feeling sad, and I got more done today than I’ve gotten done in a while. Today I practiced some of the stuff I’ve been learning over the years. The most impactful practice, though, was that I didn’t try to not feel sad. I just let myself feel sad, and did all my affirmation; said God is good and that my life is a good life; set an intention to Love and be Loved; made a commitment to be a spiritual warrior and continue to express and reveal more and never less than my true self no matter how I felt; and for the first time since I made my categorical list of the different types of things I want to do in a day, I was able to do them all.

My list includes things like, every day, I need to do something nourishing, creative, income generating, attending to some debt, organizing/cleaning, etc. I made this list not too long ago, so that I would have a practical way of making sure I take steps every day to complete the things I need to complete and move forward. Anyway, for the first time, duh duh duh, I’ve gotten to all the categories on my list!!! The last thing I need to do (and I’ve kind of already done it today, but I want to do a bit more) is some emotional clean-up. For me, emotional clean-up means doing or saying things that will help my heart feel free. It includes writing letters or having conversations that feel like the lack thereof is blocking me from resolving a situation that hurts my heart, or forgiving someone completely and being able to get to a place where I bless them and wish them well, or saying sorry to someone who I feel I owe an apology, or just giving my heart and my emotions a bath, making things free again.

Tonight I would like to give my heart a bath. I’ve been thinking about men a lot lately and Love, and I realize it has been a long time, a very long time, since I’ve been in love with anyone who was in love with me. My last love interest was My Kind, and the good part of our relationship was over a year ago. And I don’t know too many examples in my personal life of the kind of relationship that I would like to have with a man. You forget that things are possible if you don’t see them or experience them.

So, for a moment, I would like to use my will and my True Imagination to see Love again. I would like to bathe my heart in possibility. I would like to remember what it felt like to feel safe in a man’s arms and I would like to imagine that there is a man somewhere who would be honored to make a safe place for my heart. Let us remember when we were kids and we thought love could be like the movies. Somebody wrote those movies, so somebody knew it was real. If we can think it up- we are human beings and I am not talking about pigs flying here- we can make Love real. I’m not the only idealist. There must be at least one other being on this planet who would be willing to Love boldly and be true to me and be true to himself.

So you. I am thinking of you tonight. What does it feel like to be Loved by you? What does it feel like to be held and know that your arms will be there again and again? It feels like an adventure. Like the movies. It feels like cotton candy and pillows and a wide open heart. It feels like I’m alive again. I can breathe easy now. It feels like my father’s redemption. I am a painter and you are my muse and I am your heart and you are my head and we are each other’s covering. Like the Q’uran. We are each other’s clothing, coming in from the cold. You say that I am beautiful and you see me. You see me. You don’t just see what I can do for you or who I am in relation to you or how I make you feel. You see me. Period. It is such a joy to be fed by you. It is such a joy to be loved by you. It is such a joy to wash your dirty drawers and kiss your mouth. It is such a joy to give all of me to you. It is such a joy to give to you and be received. It is such a joy to be received… I Love you so much. I Love you so much. I Love you. Thank you. Ameen.

Day 471
Like The Movies

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From → Freedom Songs

2 Comments
  1. Keep dreaming, imagining, that man is dreaming and hoping to love you, too.

    Your situation sounds remarkably like my own once was. I would go to bed dreaming of this guy and he was almost like my imaginary friend. He did appear in my life eventually, so I urge you to never stop. He will come.

    I’m glad you had a productive day despite sad feelings, I like it when that happens.

    -Amber

  2. I love it. Thank you for the encouragement. I’m keeping the faith. 🙂

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