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Day 466 – Time To Love

March 22, 2017

Hey there. Good evening. I’m at Panera Bread feeling urgent. Feeling an urgency. Maybe I’m dying or something, but I just feel such an urgency to get everything out of me right now, have every conversation I need to have, say all my sorry, tell everyone off that I need to tell off, and do all the things I’ve wanted to do with my life for so long.

Today I met with the Old Prophet for lunch. On Monday I went to Whole Foods and he was there. He gave me a massage, and he said some things. He said to me, “If you were more sophisticated, you would have had me in the palm of your hands.” I didn’t curse him out. I just flipped the statement on him and told him, “If you were more sophisticated, you would have had me in the palm of your hands.” He understood his offense and apologized.

What he had meant to say is that he really had loved me. He really wanted to start a life with me, and he wished that I would have been mature enough to see through his bullshit asshole-ish ways and stick with him until he felt safe enough to reveal all the love he had for me. I understood. I hadn’t been mature enough to stick with him, but I don’t regret it. His asshole-ish ways took a lifetime to develop and it will take just as long for him to change them, and there are nicer men… There are just nicer men who are a little more brave.

I do regret, however, breaking his heart. I regret all the hearts I’ve broken. I regret the many mean things I’ve said to people. I regret throwing away people who Loved me. I do regret that. But I don’t regret keeping my distance from people who were actively trying to hurt me.

There’s a balance to be had. There’s a place to be where you can say to another, “You can’t come around if you’re going to hurt me, but if you choose to have a good intention towards me, you are more than welcome to come talk to me later.” There’s a place for reprimand and there’s a place for encouragement. And there’s a place where you just Love anyway. There’s a place where you may keep your distance, but you pray for good things for your fellow human anyway…

I met with the Old Prophet today. We talked. I told him the things that had hurt me. He had forgotten. I told him the good things that I appreciated. He said that if everybody got every thing they ever wanted, the world would be a mess. He was sweet. Velvet skin. Wise, frisky eyes like my grandma. We said we weren’t meant to be and he thanked me for talking to him…

I’ll keep it going. It’s not easy. My body trembles with each release. I cry. My brain gets foggy for a bit. And then it clears up. And then there is one less pain inside of me and I feel a little more free. It’s a process way overdue, but it’s time. It’s time to forgive. It’s time to let go. It’s time to stop judging and stop trying to play God and just be honest and finally be wise; act like I’ve actually been through everything I’ve been through and act like I’ve learned something from it. Its time to do the thing I love doing most. Love. It’s time to Love…

Day 466

Time To Love

From → Freedom Songs

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