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Day 469 – Time To Live

April 17, 2017

Sitting at the park in Hawaii. Near my sister’s place.

Went to the ocean snorkeling yesterday. Came back exhausted and disoriented. People say many things about the ocean and what it can do to sensitive folks.

I didn’t like the ocean yesterday. One minute it was clear and blue and I was underwater with schools of fish swimming by me the next, a storms was brewing and the water became dark and dangerous. We got out before anything got too serious, but not before I felt like throwing up.
When I’m off balance, writing this blog is the best thing I can do. I’m off balance, and I need to get centered because I have action to take. This week, I have the most important meeting of my creative career thus far. It is a meeting that could change the tide of everything.

But I have to be ready for it, and being ready for it means finishing up on a presentation and turning it in by end of day tomorrow. I don’t know if that is why I feel so sad and off. I don’t know if I’m picking up on my sister’s vibes or she’s picking up on mine, but we are both feeling sad and off. And that won’t do.

I wonder what life will be like when there are no more sad things to write about, when there is more than enough money for the rest of my life and for all of my family, when there is a beautiful man and a healthy relationship and some cute kids. When I’m actually thriving in my field. What will I write about then?

The last time I’ve felt peace and harmony and Love… the last time I’ve felt ease in my heart and mind has been so long ago. Maybe I am afraid. What do we do when we are afraid of the good things but the bad things will no longer do? I know, God, that you are leading me out of the darkness at last.

What will my life be like?

You have sent me so many blessings. I am surprised that I am still here, alive. I have been reckless with the gifts you’ve given me. I’m sorry. So… I think I’ve spent enough time crying. You know, it’s like I feel like I won’t fit in anymore if my life is all right, but I don’t want to fit in anymore. I don’t want to be crying every day any more. I want to be all right now.

You told me to choose something, so that is what I’m choosing now. I’m choosing. I’m choosing to be all right. I’m choosing to let my brain sort all the survivor’s guilt and confusion out. If it’s true that we can have whatever we choose, then I’m choosing to be all right. I’m choosing to know and experience the good things in life. I’m choosing to be whole at last. I’m choosing to allow for everything to work out and to have peace in my soul and heart and mind and in my relationships.

I’m choosing to have healthy relationships at last and to have resolution on everything, even people don’t want to resolve things with me. It’s time. Its time to stop cowing down and crying all the time. I am worthy of the very best in life. I am worthy of the very best in life. I am worthy of the very best in life. There is nothing to feel bad about. There is nothing to feel guilty about.

I can hear my dead friend Matsemala telling me to get up now and do God’s work. He used to tell me that all he wanted to do was God’s work. He had such an urgency. He died before he was able to do all the things he wanted to do, but I can feel him, proud of me, telling me to get up and Love somebody now. Get up and help these young women now. Get up and experience joy now and create works that set my heart on fire. Get up and Live. It’s time. It’s time to get up and live…


Day 469
Time To Live

From → Freedom Songs

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