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Day 470 – On Finishing

May 4, 2017

Ok. I’ve been out of my head for a while, meaning I’ve been out in the world interacting with people and doing a bunch of work and stuff. I must say, the world is a crazy place, and starting this blog is one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself.

If I didn’t take a moment to sit and think and point myself in a particular direction, I would get so caught up in so much. There is so much going on in the world. I don’t even know where to start. I think I was in Hawaii the last time I posted an entry. I’m in LA now. Been here almost fourteen days.

Hit the ground running. Got back on my birthday, and on my birthday, I had my first ever pitch meeting. A pitch meeting is where you meet with film or television executives and you tell them about a project you want to create. They can buy your idea, or they can ask you to join them to create your idea. So, on my birthday, some of kind of way, I managed to be in the room with four network executives and tell them about an idea I have… It didn’t stop there. The next week, I had another meeting with a Hollywood person. Then I had two writing deadlines for two projects and I completed those and submitted my projects.

My mom’s job sent her to Cali, so she’s here, as well as some other family members, including a brand new nephew that I have…

It’s the next day now. I got interrupted by a phone call by my new friend (I’ll call him Life) while I was blogging yesterday. Then I went to my spiritual center. Then I went and got some groceries. Then I talked to another friend on the phone. Then I fell asleep.

Slept longer than I usually do. I’ll be honest. I wanted to stay asleep longer because I didn’t want to face the day. Overwhelmed with the pace of life. Overwhelmed because it seems like I’m just barely holding on, trying to catch up to things. I’m doing it, but not with ease. It’s a challenge.

And I’m by myself still. I know, I have friends and family. I’m not alone in the world. But I generally get less work done when I’m around them than when I’m by myself. Sometimes they help with stuff. My sisters cleaned up my house the other day. But when they are off their jobs or have a free moment, they don’t want to work on stuff, mine or theirs. And so we end up talking for hours, or watching TV or movies, or going to find something entertaining to do, and although I miss the company of humans, I also sometimes end up feeling like, “Man. I should have stayed home. I would have gotten my printer fixed (or anything else on my seemingly endless “to-do” list) if I was by myself.”

So here we are. I was dreading facing this day because today I’m supposed to do all this stuff that I have been having resistance to doing. Like write a few letters and have a few uncomfortable conversations with people…

I messed up on one of the applications I turned in – I still qualify for the program, but I filled one section out wrong and I can’t fix it. I have to follow up on the meeting I had last week with the fancy lady. I have a meeting this weekend with more fancy women and I have to finish polishing a script before I meet with them. I have a long list of unfinished writing projects. Still need to tell my neighbor a piece of my mind about the bed he came in my apartment and took (over a year ago). Still need to do some work on a passive income endeavor I had started. Need to wash my walls and finish cleaning out my closet. Have a heart to heart with one of my friends who’s been flaking on me for years and just flaked on me this weekend. Have a convo with my writing bud, who felt bad because she didn’t meet the goals she had set for herself, so went MIA for a bit and just reached out to me. I got a traffic ticket recently (from a camera that took a pic of me turning without first stopping at a light), and I need to handle that. Need to handle a few other erroneous debts, and start researching another passive income endeavor… But before I get knee deep in any other income endeavors… Oh yeah, I need to email my writer’s group lady and update my membership and ask her some questions. What I really need is an assistant or some help. Maybe I can hire someone to help me finish with my apartment stuff, cleaning and sorting, and that will cut things in half.

I think I need to make some income next week. Haven’t really been focusing on that, but money has just been going out and not coming in, and eventually if I don’t balance that, I will find myself at a deficit.

The one thing that is not on my unfinished business list is men, and that is strange for me. Sometimes I think of My Kind and I miss him – He is caught up, like I used to be. He’s holding on to everything from his past, not healing his heart, and just dragging women into his confusion out of fear of being alone. He doesn’t even know he’s doing this, but he knows that there is a pain that won’t leave no matter who he’s with.

I am thankful for that, Allah. The pain that wouldn’t leave for so long is finally dissipating. I’m not used to walking through life without so many wounds, but I can get used to this. I’m not used to not having some man in my life making me cry, but I can get used to this. I’m not used to energy flowing through all parts of my body, but I can get used to this. I’m not used to not having someone to fight, heck, I’m not used to not wanting to fight, but I can get used to this. I can source passion in other ways… I’m not used to not knowing what will come next, not being in control of it all, but I can get used to this. This is the actual practice. This is the time to put my money where my mouth is. I said I wanted to be a self-actualized being. I said I wanted to be a center point, a place that Love and Light comes from… I said I wanted my heart to be free – completely free. I said I wanted to be free. I didn’t want to hold any more anger or resentment or darkness in me, although I recognize that the darkness is a teacher and it has its place, too… I said I wanted to do all the work I came to this Earth to do, holding nothing back, and I meant it.

I suppose I was gonna have to change and grow, and sometimes I’d be confused. I suppose it’s time to finish all this unfinished business, so I can move forward into the Light. My new friend Life told me to stop being late on things and start being early. He’s more or a mentor than a friend, but I’ll talk about him another time. I know he is from God. I know that I am really never left alone to fend for myself and figure things out on my own. You send me helpers, whether I’m aware of them or not. You send me angels in my dreams, and in real life, You provide the right situations to make my stubborn heart learn and grow. And I am thankful. I am thankful. Ameen.

Day 470
On Finishing

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From → Freedom Songs

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