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Day 465 – Thirty Plus (And Glowing)

March 20, 2017

I’m thirty plus. Most people don’t know that. They think I’m in my twenties. But I’m not. I’m thirty. Plus. It’s not relevant, but it’s worth mentioning…

My brain is all over the place, or rather, my mind is all over the place. You know what is a trip to me? How sometimes it feels like you’re in a vortex. There are heavy clouds all around you and all you can do is feel their weight. You can’t think. You can’t smile. You don’t feel anything but pain. You’re not present. Your mind is scattered. And then the next moment, it’s like you’re living a whole other life. Your mind is free. You are hopeful. You can focus. You enjoy the company of others. You clean your house…

That’s where I am right now. Out of the dark place. I watched “Get Out” this weekend, and I will refer to the dark place as the sunken place now. The sunken place is the place of being lost; the place where you cannot think; the place where you are amenable to any suggestion fed into your brain, and you are unable to process things on your own; you feel trapped. I am out of the sunken place today.

I am at USC. My writing bud just went home, and now I’ll be here for some time doing work on my own. I need a shoulder massage. The Old Prophet (the old guy who I dated some years ago who turned out to be an ass) gives massages at Whole Foods on Mondays. He’s a great masseuse. He will give me a massage for free. Told me I should come by and see him. Gave me a massage some months ago, but then when he was done, he said, “See you later, baby.” Him calling me baby made me feel violated… Not quite sure what to do about that…

Hello world. I have been traveling through galaxies in my mind. Do you know what has been happening? I have been having to make tough decisions. My life was shit. My life had been shit for some time, but I didn’t know it. By shit, I mean that my life was nothing like the life I had envisioned for myself. The eight general life structures – money, relationships, life’s purpose/work, community, self-identity, health, beliefs, spirituality/religion – all shit. The only thing that was kind of healthy was my spirituality, but I hadn’t really picked a side as far as deciding what concrete religious/spiritual path I was gonna follow.

I have been trying really hard for my life not to be shit for some time, and I have made a lot of progress in some areas, but still other areas were so heavy that I had a hard time getting to a place where I was stable. And do you know what happened this weekend? I decided that the days of my shitty life were over. They are over. I just made a choice. My therapist friend helped me. Things had been getting too bad. I had been too consistently emotionally unstable for too long, and the kind of deep depression I was experiencing just wasn’t sustainable. So I had to make a choice. Am I gonna keep living like this, just fighting depression, fighting people, fighting circumstances, or am I gonna do something different? What if I could do and be anything? I know it’s crazy to think that, but I had to think it, because there was no way out of the heavy cloud without thinking that anything is possible.

So I allowed myself to think that anything is possible. What if I am really who I imagined I am? The me that I never tell anyone about. What if it’s not just a dream or a fantasy or some thing to do or be in the future? What if I am me now? What if I am 30 plus years old and wise now? What if my brain could figure this thing out? What if I really had a spirit and an intuition that would tell me what to do? What if I really did live in a safe world, like all these books I’m reading keep telling me? What if happiness and joy were options not dependent on circumstances? What if I could just love my family and my friends and whatever man hurt or rejected me and forgive them even if they never changed a doggone thing. Doesn’t mean I have to participate in abuse. What if I could set boundaries so that I didn’t allow abusive people to abuse me? What if I could enjoy this moment? This very moment of being able to sit in a library with hopeful young people. This very moment of being able to have the space and time to process my thoughts without worrying about if I’m going to eat today or if my rent is getting paid. What if I could be grateful for my writing bud, the kindred soul who just sat with me as we spoke about our lives and goals and promised to hold each other accountable? What if I could be grateful for my friend who did a therapy session on me last night, hundreds of dollars worth, for free. What if I could just be grateful today and just take action and trust that life is going to keep getting better and better?

Last night I chose my spiritual/religious path. I’m not gonna tell you, for their will be negative judgement no matter what I picked. The point is, I picked something. I decided. I committed. I had been teeter tottering in the in-between for quite some time. I had been imagining that I could be a thing in some far away fantasy instead of just stepping into the thing I want to be and becoming my fully actualized self. I had been feeling so powerless, like I was on the puppet strings of everyone and everything around me.

But I’m not. It’s not true. I have power. I can’t control anyone or anything else, but I can control me. I can choose how to spend this very moment. I can choose which religion and which path I will look to for guidance. I can choose to choose something that is easy for me. I can choose something challenging. I can choose to forgive every single person who ever hurt me and say every single thing to every single person I want to say something to, and I can choose to just let it all go. Just let it go at last. Let people be who they are, and if they choose to be loving and kind towards me, I can choose to welcome them into my life, and if they choose to have no good intention for me, I can choose to deny access to them. I can choose to be there for whoever I want however I want. I can choose…

Today I choose to see myself as already whole. No more standing on the outside of life. No more imagining that there is some dangling carrot out there ahead of me that I will never get. Today, I choose to be my full and complete self. No more begging. I choose to come with all of my things. My words, my heart, my brain, my body, my humility, my power, my wisdom, my courage, my strength, my deep deep Love. People will not understand why I do some of the things I do. It’s Ok. They will project their own beliefs on to me. I don’t care. I choose to be myself anyway.

Today I am not a woman begging to be a writer, trying to be a lover, crying for love, hoping that one day someone will save me somehow. Today I am a writer. That’s it. I am a writer and my words heal, uplift, entertain, encourage and nourish. Today I Love and I am receptive and appreciative of all the love that already comes towards me in so many ways. Today I am my own hero and I step out into the world knowing that the One who created me always makes a safe space for me to be… Today I am 30. 30 plus. And Golden. And Humble. And Grateful… And Wise…

Day 465
Thirty Plus (And Glowing)

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From → Freedom Songs

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