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Day 468 – This Notion of Choosing

April 12, 2017

Hi there. I’m posting an entry that I wrote a couple of days ago but didn’t get to post. I’m in Hawaii. I’m grateful to be alive. Write more later. Hope you are well…

This Notion of Choosing

So many things to write about.

On a flight, packed, to my favorite place on Earth.

Men on the mind, as usual, but something different this time.

Life has shifted again. Been writing love letters, hate letters, forgiveness letters, apology letters, and setting myself free.

Met a new friend. A friend. I know, right? A person like me, interested and willing to take brave action on his dreams…. My new friend brought a notion to my mind. He said that every man I’ve ever engaged with wanted to marry me, but they were afraid – they were afraid I was going to leave them, so they sabotaged the relationship or didn’t make a deep commitment. He said that it was up to me to choose a man. Don’t worry about him choosing me. He will.

The notion sounds too good to be true. In fact, I want to negate it and say, “No. I have chosen such and such and he didn’t choose me back,” but it’s not true. I never wholeheartedly chose My Kind. And even though I was totally googoo gaga about Mr. Almost Famous, I always thought he was out of my league and wouldn’t even consider the notion of choosing him – I didn’t realize you could just choose a thing before knowing if it chose you. The only person I have come close to choosing was My People. I actually believe I chose him – but not for long. For like a week. When he wasn’t sure if he wanted to choose me back, and wasn’t willing to take the time to consider the notion of being my husband right at the moment I wanted him to consider the notion of being my husband (regardless of whatever else was going on in his life, including dead daddy) I closed my heart to him in that way.
And now I am sitting on a plane going to my favorite place on Earth and thinking about this notion of choosing, particularly choosing a thing before you know if it chooses you. My new friend said, “Your wish is your command”, and it is such a bold statement. The thought of actually wholeheartedly choosing something, whether it be job or man or state or state of being, and believing you can have it, and then somehow not having what you choose is so horrifying, that I have spent a very long time just not choosing. And now you tell me that I can have anything I choose. Anything? It almost sounds like blasphemy. It almost sounds like the most unfair thing in the world. Like there is a secret group who knows this little tidbit of information, and they are living the lives of their dreams, while everyone else is suffering so much.

At my spiritual center today, the speaker said that the rest of the world, our brothers and sisters who are starving and being bombed and heartbroken, are counting on us to wake up – those of us who have the luxury to meditate and read books and eat without worrying about survival. Those of us who can sit on a plane and even contemplate this notion of choosing. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for this thought – for this notion of choosing. My new friend has come with so much good news. What if I could go back, I think, and revisit any man I’ve ever known, would I choose any of them? Just as is? If I knew that they wouldn’t change not one inch of one dime for the rest of their lives, would I really say, “Yes. I want to be with you as is. Forever. I choose you to partner up and align with for the rest of my life.”

It’s a tough question to answer, because answering it causes me to have to take responsibility for much of the pain and many of the failed relationships I’ve experienced. They never had a chance and they knew it. No wonder they acted a plum fool with me. I am just beginning to understand this life thing and how to navigate it…

To Love someone doesn’t mean to choose them

And to like someone doesn’t mean to choose them

Even to be with someone doesn’t mean that deep down in the depth of your secret thoughts, in your
journal that you’ve never written, you’ve wholeheartedly chosen someone

Or some thing

Or some way

Life has a way of knowing and showing where the chasm is between what we say we want and what we have wholeheartedly chosen.

First, choose to be honest with yourself about what you choose

The rest should come easier.

I didn’t choose any of them, if I’m being honest, and I am contemplating whether I would choose any of them now. It scares me. You know what scares me most? I know it sounds crazy. But what scares me most is that I will choose something and then I will have it. I have gotten used to this bull-shitty life. For me to have any of the things I really dreamed of… do you know how miraculous it would be? Do you know how miraculous it would be for me, the ugly little sad girl from the ghetto, to be happy? Or to be wildly in love with someone who’s wildly in love with me and partnering with me in life and being good to me? Or to have passive income and never have to worry about money again? Or to be working my dream career? Do you know what my dream career is? It is so awesome compared to anything I’ve ever personally experienced. Do you know what it would be for me to have friends and community who journey with me and lift me up and let me journey with them and lift them up? And, oh, I don’t even think about it because it seems so big. Do you know what it would mean for me to be a mother – to have some little big-eyed babies? I would have so much fun with them. I would pour so much love into them…

If I’m going to contemplate this notion of choosing – I mean, I’ve been talking about it and flirting with it for some time – but if I’m going to really contemplate and experiment with this belief that you really can have anything you choose, then I guess the first thing I will think about is the men. First action – go through my heart and see if there is anyone who has passed through who I would like to choose now. And if not, un-choose all of them or (yikes) choose one wholeheartedly.
I’ll let you know how this turns out. Good night, world.

Day 468 – This Notion of Choosing

From → Freedom Songs

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