Can I tell you what this feels like? Have you ever had a Charly horse? Or like, has your foot or your leg ever fell asleep because you kept it in one position for a long time? And then you move it finally? And you feel all the tingly things all throughout your body and it hurts like hell? Well that’s what I feel like.
All over my body.
I’ve been feeling this way for about four days, ever since I did a thing. I did a thing that could change my life forever. I did a lot of things at the same time, but this particular thing was a thing thing. It was huge. I can’t tell you about it, but it was huge. In the midst of the doing, my back hurt, my leg hurt, I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to cry and go to sleep. I’m sure I did cry. I talked to my inner child and called forth Woman King strength and asked God for grace and called upon my dead daddy. And I did a thing. Differently than I had ever done.
And then I couldn’t walk. My whole body became a tingly sleeping foot just coming alive. I’m not joking or exaggerating. The next day after doing a thing, I took a walk down the street. This particular walk normally takes me fifteen minutes. But it took me one whole hour this time. I couldn’t breathe. My legs were wobbly. My body was just feeling all these sensations that I don’t remember ever feeling before. And I had to think about each step before taking it.
I feel a bit afraid, but not of bad things. I am awakening and I know it. I’m coming alive for real for real. I feel confident that I can sustain this energy this time. I have proven to myself that I’m becoming trustworthy and I don’t do things that sabotage me any more. This is a huge deal to me and for me.
I guess I’m reaching out today because I’m proud of myself and I want to tell somebody. I did a thing, y’all. And I’m doing more things. I’m making good decisions finally. Choosing what helps me thrive and keeps me safe. I know y’all don’t like to hear me saying this, but I’m not giving all my life force and attention to my family. It feels so good to be able to say no to people. To be able to say, “please think of me, too, if you want me to think of you” and follow through with action. I’m feeling myself a bit. Because I’ve never done it. It’s been impossible for me to make that choice before – respect me and consider me and wish me well and be ok with me thriving – hell, celebrate me thriving – or you don’t get access to my personal personal inners on that level. Love me. Be interested in Loving me. No negotiations. Mistakes are allowed, but no negotiations…
I am grateful for everything, God. I pray that I can be here longer to do stuff now. Feel the effects and impact of this awakening. Experience what it feels like to be a good person living a good life. Experience what it feels like to exchange real Love with people on a level I don’t even dare to imagine. Experience my Love and all I give being received and appreciated and valued. Redemption and reconciliation…
I’m not going to write too much more. My body is buzzing and kind of hurting in a good way. I want to have sex. Sorry mom. I said it. But not just sex with some nasty nasto… Like, I want to connect with someone deeply and full and be present in the world. I kind of want to rub magnesium all over my body and do believe that I am going to go and jump my whole self into the ocean today.
I miss you, whoever you are who misses me. But I don’t miss dysfunction or toxicity and don’t want things back the way they were. What I want, and what I demand is to be considered, not just in thought, but in action. I need to know that when I say, “Guess what amazing feat I just achieved????” you will clap for me and cheer for me and lift me up in celebration and not say “Yay, Laydie has done it again” with sarcasm and contempt. What I demand is for you to tell me what I have done to you so I can come to your feet and apologize and we can mend, not go and tell everyone except for me and then treat me with resentment and hostility and mistrust. And if I have no thing and you are in fact the culprit, I need you to own it if you want my trust. Every Blessed thing. I will Love you regardless. I will wish you well regardless. But trust is for the ones who have proven themselves trustworthy and the ones who own up and make amends when they make mistakes.
Big people stuff. I am big person. I don’t care what anyone has to say about it. It doesn’t mean that I am bigger or better. It just means that I am big. I was made that way. And I have been living out of alignment with the core of my very DNA. And putting up with shit shit shit. I’m not even going to start talking about all the things that I can’t believe happened. But they did. They happened. And I forgive myself. Little by little. For the things I allowed. For the things I did. For the things I didn’t do. I forgive others, too. Perhaps we can really start to live now and point our focus towards to sun. We can. We can. We can.
I Love You.
Sincerely,
Me.
Day 569
Awakening
This is the end. And the beginning. This is over. The other day, I almost died. Again. In fact, I’m pretty sure I did die. Hallelujah and Amen finally. This is over. I think family has been my theme. The theme that I didn’t know I had. Go figure.
Dear Laydie,
I’m sorry. For everything. Where do I even begin? Long lists of wrongdoings perpetrated against me still being reenacted in real time. I could give it my energy, go over the story over and over again until it defines my identity and reinforces a past perspective of life, that yes, was real, but no, isn’t true; or I could not. I could say “This is over” and let it be so. Without having to change anyone else. Without having to fix anyone else. By a simple shift of focus. Onto me.
And honesty. About me.
And so I say it. Abracadabra. This is over. Say it like I mean it. This is over. Yes, indeed. The toxic family entanglements? They are over. The toxic family entanglements? Over. Yes, you could write a letter and tell everyone to fuck themselves and maybe that is necessary if you feel that is the best use of your time and energy. But honestly, those who are fucking themselves are already fucking themselves and when they are interested in knowing how or why, you won’t have to write them any letter. They will write you.
“But they don’t know what they did. I didn’t give them a chance”, the part of you that wants to believe in fantasies pleads. What is more true is that you want to tell on them. You want to tell the world about them. You want to let everyone know that you were good and they were bad. And maybe so. Most likely so. And also more complicated than that.
You are good and they are bad. There. You’ve said it. Is that enough? Somehow it only leaves you with teeth chattering.
You wanted to be seen as good. Because somewhere, somehow someone saw you as bad early on. Your brother. We know. Your best friend. It crushed you. Broke your heart. You want compassion. Pity, even. You want someone to say sorry to you. They see you. They see your broken heart and they will help you mend it. You are a good person. You are not that bad. But nobody came.
Instead, your mother added on to the mantra of seeing you as bad and you tried so, so hard to show her otherwise. Going above and beyond to win her approval to the point you never even bothered to understand what bad and good was for you. But nothing was enough. The slightest argument – I mean you could have ten witnesses telling her what actually happened, and somehow she would find a way to blame you for someone else disrespecting you, hurting you or violating your boundaries. You didn’t state your boundaries loud enough. You smiled too much when saying it. Folks thought you were joking even though you said it five times on five different occasions. Or you said it too meanly, in an attacking fashion, putting them on the defense. You wrote it, but you didn’t write it clear enough. You wrote it to too many people, shaming the offender.
Whilst laying on a bed drained and sick, telling someone, “You are offending me. Please leave me alone. You are asking for my attention, but you are doing so in a negative way. You are going to get negative attention” is too little if it’s not done with a stern face. Throwing water at them or slightly pushing them is way too much. And even still, you are the bad guy if they still continue to disrespect your boundaries.
Do you see where we are going with this, Laydie? Don’t expect someone to think of where you might sleep or thrive or put your own clothes even if you welcome them into your own apartment. That is asking for too much. And if you dare call out the fact that you have nowhere to live, expect that their feelings might be hurt.
I know. You wan to get it all out. And we can do this all day. Write about the things they did to you. And maybe it is necessary for you to process and move on. It is OK if that is what you need. We will be here to listen over and over. We will be here to validate you. I’m sorry, OK. I’m sorry they never saw you as a good person, no matter how hard you tried to prove otherwise.
I’m sorry they accused you of the most heinous of things and the most heinous of intentions. Why do they think you are so bad? Are you really that bad? Are you as bad as the way life has been treating you? Are you so unworthy of being stood up for? Is it that your feelings just don’t matter, but other people’s do? Your back begins to hurt as we ask these questions and that is good. Because something in you that has needed to process this shit and let it go.
“Are you that bad” is the question you ask yourself as you look at all your relationships and the status of your burnt down barn. And we can make it easy for you. You won’t want to hear this. But yes. Yes, in their eyes you are. That bad. Or that unworthy. Or that unimportant. Or too much. Or not enough. Or invisible. Yes, to some people, your needs don’t matter. And you wish they did. I know. You wish so much that it mattered if you said you don’t feel safe or protected in an environment. You wish someone you love would say, “Why? What’s going on? How can I help you?” But they won’t. They didn’t. They told you in so many ways that your needs don’t matter. Your feelings don’t matter. In fact, they told you in so many ways that your feelings are quite burdensome or not that important. Not as important as theirs or someone else’s. Or they didn’t even recognize that you have feelings at all because you are invisible to them. It happened, Laydie. I know, it feels bad, and I’m sorry. We are going to get through this now. We are finally going to get through all of this junk and get to the other side. No, not in theory. No, not just in a blog. For real for real for real. This part of our life, this story is over. Yes, it happened. Yes, it was real. Yes, people you loved dearly saw you those ways and treated you accordingly.
And you want to know still if you were that bad. You want to know if you deserved it. Was kissing a twenty year old man at eleven years old of age bad enough for your brother to tag you as unworthy of being talked to? I know that hurt you so deeply and has affected you for so long, but we are going to heal that now, now, now, because this wound has thrown everything else out of whack. Answer the question. You see your little nieces and nephews now. If your sweet, passionate little niece fell in love young and kissed a boy – if she just couldn’t understand why kissing a boy when you want to is prohibited – would you tag her as bad? Would you say she is unworthy of being talked to? Would you class her as contagious and hell bound and go on a valiant mission to invalidate any of her fundamental beliefs for the rest of your life? Would you encourage her brother to do any of those things? No. Would you encourage her to tag her brother as bad?
If the only way he could make sense of the world was through the rules and then she broke them? And he thought she was down with the rules like him? He would feel betrayed if she broke them. And he would feel she’s bad if she’s bad according to the rules.
So there you have it. Is your question answered? Are you that bad? Yes. To him you were. And this is hard to swallow, but he has a right to his opinion. It is an opinion. He will deny thinking you are bad or treating you as if you are bad because he cannot accept. If he accepts that he has been bad to you, then it will mean (to him) that he is bad. And that is not acceptable. Rather you than him.
But none of it is the truth. Here is the big one. You are bad in his eyes… maybe in all of their eyes at some level… for some thing you did or didn’t do that you didn’t even mean to hurt anyone by. Something you didn’t think too much of. You run late and don’t keep your word (at least not on time) often. That is deplorable for some people. They may not ever tell you, but oh, they will tell other people, and their actions towards you will let you know that resentment is indeed around. Lateness is not a big deal for you, but you did and do break your word as a habit when it comes to time. So? Are you bad? Or are they bad for not telling you how they are offended by you and giving you an opportunity to change? Are both of you bad?
These are the questions that have had energy buzzing at the bottom of your nerve roots for decades. These are the questions that stop your breath and tingle your hands even up to this very moment. And the answer is….. drum role…. You get to define who you are. My baby, we get to say, “I am a good person” and let it be so if we choose it so. I know. It hurts and makes you all uncomfortable. But you are a magician. The best of kinds. A good one. You can say, “This is over now” and let the past be over.
It doesn’t mean that anyone is going to change their opinion of you. They may hate you even more if your wrong, inferior self (according to their opinion) doesn’t cow tail to them. And I know, you wish you could make them like you. But you can’t. Well, you could. But that would mean just doing everything they want you to do. And then won’t respect you. And they will think you are invisible. And they will resent you for being a failure and think you are a burden and that you don’t matter because you act like it. And then you’ll feel unsafe and worthless. Do you see where this all starts and ends?
It starts with something someone did to you. OK? It’s not your fault, Laydie. Understand that it’s not your fault that you wanted your mom’s approval. You’re supposed to. It’s normal. It’s not your fault that you wanted your brother to continue being your friend and like you. You’re supposed to want that. It’s not your fault that you tried to do things and hoped that people would like you or accept you or think you’re a good person because of it, and instead they liked you less and pushed you away more and thought you were the pits. Yes, you were bad (and whatever other negative synonym). To them. The cat’s out the bag. I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m sorry life happened to you like that. I’m really, really sorry. But we have been hanging in the mud with this beginning for years on years on years. And now we get to write the ending. Yep. You and me. Right now. Now, now, now, now, now.
Like any juicy story, the ending will take time to unfold, but we start with a definite resolve to end it. “This is over” we say to ourselves when our back starts to tighten up as we think of all the things that happened. And we open up our hands, imagine our back smiling, and let it go. We move on by saying that “other people’s opinions of me have no power over me” and break the spells upon spells of identity ties that have been holding us. And then we look at our own opinion of ourselves. Have we thought that we are bad? Obviously. Look how our head hangs low. I’m sorry, Laydie. Please forgive me. I Love you. It has taken us so long. Here is where our power lies. We get to change the story of ourselves. Our first mind goes to thinking of changing the story of others because that is how our program is. We don’t think we’re so important, so it’s better to start thinking other people are good so we can help them first instead of helping ourselves. That is where our first mind took us out of habit, but that is not where we are going today.
With purpose and practice, today, and this whole week, we are going to do an experiment. Yes. We are going to say that we are important enough to think about first. We matter. You matter, Laydie. I matter. Your feelings matter. Your needs matter. You are important, too. I know that’s hard to swallow, given all you have experienced in life, but take the pill please. And detach yourself. You don’t have to make anyone happy just because you are. You don’t have to make anyone succeed just because you are succeeding. It would be nice if it flows that way, but it will not flow that way if the other is hurting you. Repeat. It will not flow that way if the other is hurting you. One more time. It will not flow that way if the other is hurting you. Do not let people hurt you whilst you try and help them. Break that agreement. Your feelings matter. Others will get the memo once you get it for yourself.
Nobody has to like you in order for you to like yourself. You have a moral compass. You know right from wrong. You know good from bad. You get to judge yourself according to your own compass. Not your brother’s. Not your mom’s. Not your siblings’. Not friends’. Not lovers’, past or present. You get to forgive yourself even if they don’t. And if it feels like the right thing to do, according to your own compass, you get to apologize for past wrongs. Or you get to say “fuck ’em” or help them or do nothing at all if your compass says that’s not the answer.
Ok baddy bad? Do this work not because you want them to like you. I know this is hard because you want them to like you. You do. And the vibration in you wanting approval from others is strong. But is there anything stronger? Remember when you thought you were dying and your life flashed before your eyes and you were crying about all the things you didn’t do with your time on Earth? Did you cry about anyone not liking you? No. As far as relationships were concerned, you felt bad about not telling everyone the truth about what shits you think they are and how much they wronged you. Why was this important to you? Because you thought they didn’t know and you thought that maybe you could impact them to change and make the world the better place if you could juuuuust show them how full of shit they are. Then they would see and then they would get it together and do better by others and all your suffering at their hands would be worth something… But it doesn’t work that way. All of your suffering by their hands will be worth something if you do something with it. If you grow from it. If it teaches you how to be Sovereign. If it helps you embody your power at last. Your suffering will be worth it if it plants such a deep seed of compassion in you that you can reach the most hurt human beings and help them. Do not do this work because you want them to like you. You do, but don’t let that be your impetus. Your impetus in healing, because that is what we have finally come to the end of – healing and moving through and breaking through – Your impetus in healing is so that you can live a life that you feel is worth something, a life that you find fulfilling according to your own values, my grown up big woman now. You’ve suffered enough. Suffering is not your lot anymore, Laydie, not even at the hands of family. Suffering is not your lot anymore. Suffering is not for you anymore. Speak to any part of you – any part of your life that wants to bring it to you out of habit and declare that “this is over”. This is over. This is over.
And then put all your focus, 100%, on what was really important to you in your life. You know what those things are. You cried about them when you thought you were dying.
You cried about not fully loving anyone and not having a child. You cried about no movies or books that came from you and not doing stuff in the heal the world country at the level you wanted to. So you know what’s really important to you in relationships. Foundational honesty. It’s not important to everyone else, but it’s important to you.
Time to build. Not in that hard, I’m all alone, the world is against me way. Yes, you are mischievous, but not in a bad way. You are playful and you like fun. It’s important to you. Joy is important to you. You are so passionate, but you have no sex. Passion is important to you. You’re an all-the-way, wholehearted person, but you’ve been half-assing everything. It’s time to start a whole new life – oh, you are so mega creative, but you haven’t been making anything. Do you see why life has been the shits? I’m not blaming you. I’m just making it make sense. How is your big ass heart gonna be sitting here not Loving anyone???? Not having anyone who can see you and Love you fully? No, no, no, no, no.
This is over. Resolve. Say it with a different voice. This is over. Forget about everyone else. In you, worthless, unimportant, bad, not mattering is over. For you to experience a better life. That is the practice. For these next three months. If you can do it – and you can do it – If you can tell yourself that you are worthy and act like it. If you can tell yourself you are a good person and you deserve good things and you deserve to be treated well and act like it… If you can know that you matter and walk like it – how does someone who matters walk? With their head held high. Not high high, but chin up. And if you were worthy, then every time something good came your way, you would do like your nephew and just relax into it.
Now relax… let go. You’re not going to do this on your own. Say it with your back straight and chin up. Say it with your chin powerful. Say it from your belly WITH LOVE and let yourself see and hear yourself as you do. Say it with passion, fun, playfulness, joy or whatever way represents what’s important to you. Say it all the way… And do it every day. Yes. Every day like brushing teeth… You are worthy of the very best in life. You are important just because you exist. Your needs and feelings matter. You are a good person and you deserve a good life and good things and you deserve to be treated well. You are not a burden.
Repeat.
I am not doing this on my own. God is with me and not against me. Others are for me and not against me. I am worthy of the very best in life and I now lovingly and gratefully accept it. I am important just because I exist. My feelings and needs matter. I am a good person and I deserve a good life and good things and I deserve to be treated well. I am not a burden. And I claim, resolve and declare all of this because my life is worth something. My life is worth something. My life is worth something. Suffering is not my lot anymore. It is over. Suffering is over. This is over. Relax. Let go. It is done, it is done. IT. IS. DONE.
AMEEN.
Y’all. So. My vibe is leveling up and I’m feeling inclined to run and celebrate. I met a man… It’s always about a man, I know. The kind of men around me change according to the kind of life I’m living. I can tell what’s going on in my world by the kind of men around me.
Men have started being nice to me. The mean asses still exist, but I don’t spend too much time with them anymore. And possibility is on the mind. Y’all I’m so antsy I don’t know if I’m coming or going. My sis lives in a house. I’m at my sis’s house. It’s nice. These ideas. I’ve never really had them. I don’t know what happened to me. This idea of a family. I mean, I’ve had it as a fantasy waaaaay off somewhere in the back of my mind. Not even a real fantasy. Just a cloud somewhere in my mind.
I’ve never thought it was possible to be safe with others. Up until now. Well, I have learned to use my words. To curse people out and set boundaries. Yep, I said it. Curse them out ahead of time before things go so far. I want to forgive my sister. I want to forgive everyone, to be honest. Now. Now now. Just right now. It doesn’t matter if they ever change. It so doesn’t matter. They can be assholes all they want. But they can’t be an asshole to me. Yesterday, one of my sisters was going too far in the way she was speaking to me. In the past, I might not have said anything and just held it and felt hurt and made up a whole story about how she doesn’t like me and why her energy had shifted and she was talking crazy to me. But I didn’t. Well, I made up a story of sorts as far as the why. But what I did was tell her “I don’t like the way you’re talking to me. Stop.” And she did. And that was enough. Her why doesn’t even matter to me. I still love her and I don’t have to worry about whether or not she loves me nor all the complexities of what is or what isn’t in her life.
What I’m trying to get out on paper this morning is that I’m learning how to live life, y’all. Finally for the first time. For the first time in my entire life, I am aware of when my thoughts are my own thoughts and I’m able to say no to people. This is a big deal. I’m exciting about finally being able to let go of an entire way of being that wasn’t serving me.
My brain started working the other day! Y’all, my brain hasn’t worked in so long. Since October 2015 when I sat at work and was trying to work on processing some paperwork and I couldn’t remember what I was doing. I couldn’t remember what I was doing. I was under loads of stress and I couldn’t remember what I was doing. I sat there at work and I just couldn’t remember what I was doing. I busted out crying and called the psychology department of my insurance. It was the first time I had ever called a psychology department of anything. I went in to see them. I had indeed undergone a breakdown of sorts. They put me on work leave and I went to a group behavioral therapy program called work clinic. Now that I have done so much self healing work since, I know that the clinic was quite extraordinary. We worked on grounding without calling it grounding, positive emotional attractors, orienting… I should have been a therapist. I love this kind of work
Anyway, this blog doesn’t have a focus point, but I’ll post it anyway. Since my brain skipped a beat in 2015, it has been skipping beats ever since and not remembering the simplest of things. You know, people go through so much and many of us are not even aware of all the ways trauma and stress and heartache and feeling unsafe are impacting our quality of life. And not telling the truth. Not telling the truth is such a big deal. We start by avoiding the things that hurt and lying to ourselves about how we feel and never quite resolving or fixing anything. And then we disassociate and we start lying to others. And then we completely forget who we are and what we wanted to be doing with this thing called life…
I’m sorry. If you’ve been going a hard time or you forgot yourself. I’m sorry. If your brain went offline a long time ago and it’s been offline for so long that you don’t even know the difference now. I’m sorry. If your heart stopped working that one time someone stabbed it so deep and you don’t even remember what it feels like to love or trust or be able to relax around anyone. I’m sorry. If you’re not in your body because you don’t feel equipped to feel the pain that is there. I’m sorry. And I’m super sorry if you have no idea what’s going on with you, but you just know that life isn’t working and everything hurts. I hope it gets better for you. I hope you get better.
It’s getting better for me. I want to encourage someone. My brain came online after being offline for almost seven years. It wasn’t easy. In fact, it was hell. Disappointment after disappointment after pain after pain. Maddening thoughts that I won’t even write about more than once. Body tingles I wasn’t even aware of for years on end until they became body aches and paralysis. I don’t know what happened to me. But I want to tell you I’m back. I’ve been healing and healing and healing and finally I am able to tell people know and not feel like my life is over if people I love reject me or don’t understand me.
The other day, I was looking for my keys and I couldn’t remember where I put them as usual, and then I asked my brain to come online. I literally said, “Brain. Come online and show me where those keys are.” And my brain remembered! It remembered! I remembered! And I found the keys. And then I asked it about other stuff. Where did I put some crayons. And how to get from one place to another when I’m driving back home in the exact same direction as I came. I didn’t used to be able to remember that stuff. But my brain has been showing up for me. I even ask it what to do when I’m making difficult choices, and sometimes it tells me, “I don’t know. Ask heart.” Or “bring Soul online”.
And then I make choices that I’ve never made before and I feel things that I haven’t felt in years and I am hopeful. Not only hopeful, but acting on hope. And so I want to share that with you. Because I don’t want you to give up hope. I heard Esther Hicks say, “I have decided that I am a good person and I deserve good things.” You can make that decision for yourself. You are a good person and you deserve good things. And good things deserve you.
Today, I commit to live my life fully. Yes, fully. It won’t happen all at once, but maybe it will. But I’m deciding to bring my full self here. My full presence as a light being. I may not be able to hold it all at once, but slowly slowly I’ll get used to it. And my soul and my brain and my heart and my body can help.
You know, sometimes I think that I don’t want to say all this gung ho stuff. I don’t believe it. I might mess up on stuff and I might write this “bring all of you” blog and then not bring all of me tomorrow. But little by little, I will bring more and more of myself…
Y’all. Someone just wrote an angry text message. A guy I used to date who I am unfortunately linked to on a work project who just asked me to get back with him and I rejected who is now letting out his anger on work. My back is starting to tingle. How to navigate, new Laydie? Don’t engage. Let the energy pass. Stay the course and stay focused. His anger doesn’t have to hit you. Light shield! Activate activate activate! Sometimes people don’t even know what they are doing when they attack you. Sometimes it’s other forces working through them. Sometimes it’s other forces working through you or all the subconscious nonsense that so many of haven’t processed… When I activated light source just now, my back calmed down. I am now telling my back it’s safe. You’re safe. Nobody’s anger can destroy your peace. Nobody’s mood can destroy your peace. Nobody’s thoughts of you can destroy your peace. You don’t even have to put your focus onto fighting or defending yourself from others.
Light shield activate. Activate activate activate! Bring your own intentions forward instead of being at the effect of others’ intentions for you and you control your life at last.
Today’s intention – Light Force activate. Give and receive Light. Give and receive Love. No matter happens, that is what you really want to do, Laydie. And tap into all of you to help you find your way. Soul Activate. Brain Activate. Light Presence within me, activate. Heart activate. Body, accept your own energy now and be nourished by it.
I love y’all. I love you. I love you.
xx
Laydie
All of Me (Light Force, Activate!)
Y’all. These feelings get in the way. And when I don’t integrate them, they just keep me unstable. So here I am, processing things again. Through my therapy group yesterday, we had to do an analysis and talk about what we have to celebrate for the past five years. Five years ago was when I came back to the world after being sick and disabled for two years.
It was a lot. Being sick and disabled after spending a lifetime of being ridiculously in shape and healthy without even having to work for it was something else. So many people say sickness can be a Blessing, and now I see it. Yesterday I saw it.
My sickness totally made me re-evaluate everything. Any my entire life has been falling apart since 2017. Relationships, family, friends, everything readjusted…. And yesterday, I was celebrating all of it. Do you know what I was celebrating? Not going to Disneyland. I know. Wait for it. It’s a good story.
Five years ago, after recovering from being sick for two years and promising God I would do what he wanted with my life if he let me live, I lived. I got back relatively healthy and functional. And I got a big check to boot. Not a super big check. My check actually was not even enough to get me out of the poverty line and food stamps eligible for me. It was $40k, which was actually about $30k because I had about $10k worth of debt, but I know how to live on very small amounts of money, and so it was enough for me to manage my life for a year without having to work… And so I made a plan. I was gonna get my life together and become this super writer and not have to work for a year.
I had my apartment in LA. I had a car. I knew how to navigate resources in LA… I started a new life. But it didn’t last long. Soon, my mother’s job deployed her to LA. Another sister had just had a baby and my mom was babysitting said baby. Another sister had an infant and was in a very tumultuous relationship. Another sister was in LA with mom visiting. And another sister came to visit and that visit would be the visit that had her disappear from the family ever since because she thought things were happening that really weren’t. My teenage niece and nephew were also in town at the time. And my brother got into a car accident that summer that changed his back ever since… My plans were to be hot girl, single, film obsessed Laydie and get my life together, and for a while I was. It was amazing. I had a power partner and everything. And then I wasn’t. My family saw my unemployed status as an open ticket to ask for help. And I like to help my family and at the time I had an inability to say no to people, so I was going here, there and everywhere helping folks. I was hosting friends at my place. I was helping others get over sicknesses… I was dating unavailable, abusive men nonstop, and my friendships were becoming toxic. I was doing everything and anything except being hot and happy, film obsessed Laydie following through on her goals…
At the end of the day, some things worked. I have a farm in the heal the world country. I finished writing a script. But mostly, everything was hard to do and not completely done and emotionally, I was defeated. And when I started setting boundaries (I didn’t know what boundaries were until my power partner gave me a boundaries book in 2017), most of my relationships that I had been bonded to my whole life fell apart. It has been a hard, hard, five years. But it has culminated in a.woman girl who is starting to like herself at last.
And I was celebrating not going to Disneyland. Why? Since around April this year, I started to take my life more seriously. I mean, less seriously but more seriously. I started to put myself first. That statement is so loaded and I have grown up my entire life thinking that to put oneself first is the absolute worst thing one can do. But after realizing that I had set up relationship matrixes where people expected me to always put myself last, forfeit my time and energy to help them thrive at the drop of a dime at all times and become upset if I decided to actually use my time and energy to do things that were good for my life, I realized that putting others first at all times was kind of not the thing to do. I was dying. I was hurting all the time. I was feeling so unloved and so under supported…. I’m glad I chose to write this blog. It’s what I needed. These emotions have been all stuck in me since yesterday and keeping me floored and physically in pain.
So, since April, I started doing what I said I was going to do five years ago. I started listening to what God told me to do. And I started focusing on doing my work. And I started giving my energy and love to people who show me love and kindness and respect through action. And I started trusting people who show themselves trustworthy… But most of all, I started showing myself love and kindness and respect by being kind and loving and trustworthy and honest and true to my own self. By asking myself, “Is this good for you, Laydie? Does this support the life you are trying to create?” And it has been amazing. It has been the best time of my life.
At the beginning of June, I went on a self created retreat. One of my best day ones supported me to stay in their house and get my life together so I could prep for meetings in LA. My meetings in LA kept getting delayed, and to make a long story short, I ended up spending time with my mom for three weeks. I hadn’t planned that. I was back in a bed with mom, struggling with keeping boundaries. Mom and I’s relationship was better, but I was in a family house, and no matter how you paint it, in a family house, there is an expectation to spend time with family. And I love this particular family. But I would have much rather been in nature and doing my therapy work and dating men at night and working like a film maniac to finish my film stuff and getting my farm stuff in order because that seemed like the best use of my time at the moment. And visit family every now and then, when I’m interested in being fully present with them. This may sound selfish, but it’s ok. I’m late, you see.
I’m late for getting pregnant. I worry every day if I’ll even be able to get pregnant. I should be spending all day trying to find some man to sex and baby daddy me at my age. Not coming home at 8p because mom either gets worried or disgruntled if she doesn’t see you by a certain time. And I’m late to get my career in order. I’m at the age and stage where it’s kind of like, either I’m going to do it or I need to give it a rest and do something else. Not fake do it. Not dream it. Not almost do it. Just do it. And if I want to do it soon, I need to do some catch up focus. And I don’t have kids or any of that. I’m supposed to take advantage of this time so that I can create a situation where I can have kids soon and I can work how I want soon, not spend all this time with fam until my money runs out and then I’m forced to be busy nine to fiving… So, it was time for me to leave mom and go back to the focus I had set for myself.
Mom wanted me to stay longer. She wanted me to go to Disneyland with her and fam. Kids wanted me to go to Disneyland with them. One nephew asked me to give him one good reason why I can’t come. Kids won’t understand that I have stuff to do right now and I will be absolutely energetically drained after going to Disneyland and a week trip will really end up being a three week trip for me because it will probably take me two weeks to get stable after sleeping my introverted behind in bed with mom and then engaging with kids and fam from sun up to sun down. I didn’t want to go, but I told them I was going to go anyway, because the pressure was too much for me. I was supposed to meet them at Disneyland and I was going to drive out there a little after them and after I had gotten a little bit a rest.. I laid down to rest, and I woke up with Covid!
Yep. My mom had had Covid, too. Almost everyone had gotten Covid. They wanted me to stick around till everyone got back from Disneyland, but as soon as I got a little functional with the Covid (I’m 100% better now), I left. It sounds so bad to write it out loud, but it made me happy. My family is amazing. But if I had told them that I am working on a thesis paper that is guaranteed to get me a million dollar job that will change our life, they would not ask me to stick around for any reason.
They would tell me to go far, far away and find a library, find someone to have some stabilizing sex with and put my head in the books till I’m done. They might even sponsor me or help to support this venture. They don’t see what I’m doing as a million dollar guarantee, and it’s because I’ve taken so long on it. But I see it. Yep. And I know that when I win for real, all my family is going to win. And the ones who know me know that as well. So I did it… I’m doing it. For the first time in my entire life, I am started to treat myself like I actually have a shot at a good life. I haven’t even been dating folks if I don’t think I can go all the way and have a family with them, or if they aren’t fully willing to consciously do the same without having to be tricked.
So I’m celebrating today. I’m not used to it. I’m not used to celebrating myself. I’m not used to saying any of this stuff out loud because I fear people won’t approve of it. But I know that I need to be OK with the idea that others may not approve of me. It’s a big one. I’m celebrating believing in myself enough to say no to anything that’s not supporting what I’m up to, whether consciously or unconsciously. I’m celebrating a mind that works… My mind hasn’t worked in so, so long. I’m celebrating my wonderful body, who always breaks down when I’m not doing what’s good for it. I appreciate it for stopping me in my tracks, draining my energy, giving me aches, doing whatever it has to do to get my attention so that I can heal, realign, think clearly and do what needs to be done to have a life aligned with who I really am. I can get used to this. I can get used to celebrating myself.
Can I tell you a secret? Sometimes I get scared to post about happy stuff or tell people about good stuff happening to me. I feel like people will hate on me or they will feel like I’m doing so well they can ask me to shift focus to them now. I’m trying to find a new belief as a foundation. Why not me? People get happy for others and support others while they are thriving. Here is my new belief: Others are happy for me when I’m thriving. Others support me even more when I am doing well and want me to focus on myself enough for me to continue to thrive and be stable. Oh, I like this one. Others support me even more when I am doing well and want me to focus on myself enough for me to continue to thrive and be stable… One more time. Others support me even more when I am doing well and want me to focus on myself enough for me to continue to thrive and be stable.
I am willing and choosing to accept Love.
You guys, there is a huge correlation between our inner and outer worlds. If you’re reading this, I want you to know that life can get better. Not just in a one blog way. You probably gonna have to put in some intentional work, and it might be really really hard. It might be the hardest thing you’ve ever done and it might hurt for a while. But it gets better if you keep doing the work. Once you’ve found a clear direction (and you’ll know once you’ve found a clear direction. It’s different for everyone.), keep putting in the work. Even if you stumble. Even if you pause. Even if you backslide along the way. Keep putting in the work and you will see that things do get better. Be honest with yourself. Stop lying about being happy if you’re not. Stop lying about what’s going on in your relationships. Tell the truth to yourself at least. Stop lying about what you really want. And fix the things you’ve broken if you’re led to do as much. Forgive yourself. Fix the broken things inside you…
I Love you I Love you I Love you.
Sincerely,
Laydie
Day 568
Confessions of a Former Codependent Empath with No Boundaries (More Work)
Hi.
Life is moving. Fast, fast, fast. Where to begin and where to end with this one? I started off intending to share something good with the world. Because I’m on overload of good things and need to share. Then I looked at the heading of my last blog post, “betrayal”. I wondered what I wrote in there, but I can imagine. Then I felt the feelings of betrayal again. Thought of a situation of someone I love being so OK betraying me. Then I felt sad and I feel really sad right now.
That’s where we are starting this blog. I looked at a pic of myself a year ago. Then almost two years ago, right around the time my grandma died. Since I’ve had so many health issues, I’m really good at spotting a nervous tick, dull eyes, lopsided facial expressions because you are just trying to keep it together. I was doing really really bad. I didn’t even know. Just trying to keep it together whilst people kept asking me for shit. Man, the last two years have been the roughest. The most heartbreaking. The most life changing and devastating.
My coach said I was a codependent empath with no boundaries. Recipe for disaster. Taking in everyone’s shit to the point you don’t realize what’s yours and what’s another’s. Fearful people are always happy for a hero and resent them afterwards… Life has been something. I guess I’ll just sort through my thoughts with this entry with the intention of getting somewhere after I take off all the top layers.
A family member was sick the other. I was able to help. I was so happy to help. Nobody was helping this person in the way she needed. I don’t understand what’s wrong with us humans. It’s not that we don’t know. Some of us don’t know, but even for the ones who don’t know, when people tell them what they need, they don’t honor it. And then start talking about “I love you I Love you”. This person just needed someone to give her food. Tell her to drink water. Sit with her and don’t ask her for shit whilst she was in the hospital. Care. Like, not because it’s an obligation and that’s what you’re supposed to do. Care because you care. Care because you want her to get better and it doesn’t cost you that much time or energy to care.
I was sitting in the hospital with her and realizing that that’s the only thing that matters to me. Caring and being cared for. Everyone is not able to do so. Everyone is not interested in doing so. Many of us think the sky is falling down and we have to survive and that is our life focus. What is yours? What is mine?
Can I tell you a secret? The sky is not falling. For some people it is and for some people it’s not. And it’s not because some are privileged and some are not. I’m writing this as a person whose skies have been falling for years on end. Yes, I was born into tough circumstances. Yes, a lot happened to my sweet behind before I was even aware of what’s really going on and how it was impacting my sense of self, belief system, etc. Yes, I had my reasons for developing a lifestyle of disassociating. Stuff hurt and I wasn’t even conscious enough to see exactly what was eating Gilbert Grape. We have our reasons. But there are people with our same backgrounds and worse – our race, our gender, our socioeconomic background, our level of beauty or lack thereof, our level of talent/skills or lack thereof… and their skies are falling, too, but they are thriving. I want to tell you the secret I learned. The secret I am learning and starting to put into practice.
You have to plant seeds.
That’s it. That is the way out of all of this. I’m a farmer. It’s weird to write because I really never thought of being a farmer. But I’m a farmer. I have a farm overseas. From the start of planting our farm three years ago and up until now, so much has happened. People have died. People have tried to kill me and others on my team. I’ve gotten sick and heartbroken enough times. So many relationships have fallen apart. And the farm is still there. Growing. Do you understand?
Relate it to your life. There is something important to you in life. There is something you want to be. Something you want to do or feel. Create, contribute, express, experience, as Claire from Feminine Power would say. There’s something you want to create, contribute, express and/or experience. You’ve probably wanted it for the majority of your life… And maybe you got disappointed. Of course you did. And the sky started falling. Or you started drowning for one reason or another. Someone broke your heart. I understand how much it hurts. And I’m sorry. Trust me, I understand. Someone betrayed you. You thought they had your back and they would never do a certain thing, and then they did. And they never said sorry. In fact, they kicked you and said you ain’t shit and you deserved the bad treatment. And your Earth shook. Your foundation broke. And the sky felt like it was falling. I understand. It hurt like hell and you couldn’t distinguish coming from going and only wanted to not walk into the ocean when the thoughts came your way. I understand… Your heart is big. Your Love is deep. And they didn’t see it. Or if they did, they hated for it or tried to take advantage of you because of it… And your focus became survival. It’s understandable…
But it hasn’t been enough for you, big heart. You understand? You can’t stop caring about folks no matter how hard you try. Because you care. And that is part of your gift… This season has been the best time of my life. Why? Because the sky has been falling and I have been planting seeds.
My own seeds. I have been thinking about what I want to do with this life. Really. What matters to me. Really. And what matters to me is sharing the stories that are in my soul, helping the heal the world country that I’m invested in, and sharing as much Love as I can with the people I love. And receiving Love. I want to have some kids, too. And so, by planting seeds, I mean to figure out what matters to you and start putting energy towards it. The sky will keep falling. Eventually, holding it up won’t be that important to you and you will realize that there are ways to be safe in this world.
I know it might feel like a foreign concept to you – being emotionally safe. It was a foreign concept to me when I first heard it about six months ago. My nervous system was so dysregulated. And I was so used to being that way. I joined a coaching program that’s been helping me. I encourage you to join a program. Get help. Don’t try to get out of this place alone. Get help. Help helps. People with training and experience can offer perspectives you don’t have on your own. I got help. I joined a program that helped me get in touch with my body. It helped me get in touch with my feelings. But mostly, it helped me recognize what my issues were… I was just going from hurt to hurt to hurt. I had taught people to believe that my life force was for them only and if I dared focus on me, I was marked as selfish. People didn’t care about betraying me or hurting me or respecting me or being kind to me… they weren’t even aware of my needs when making decisions that impacted me. But I participated in the creation of those dynamics. I didn’t care about betraying myself or respecting myself or being kind to myself or being aware of my own needs and preferences when making decisions that impacted others… I had spent so much time putting out fires that people really could have put out themselves – enabling others to be assholes and teaching them not to value me – and the coaching program I joined has just been helping me to recognize behavior patterns so that I can change them.
I’m not perfect still and I do believe I’m going to stop aspiring to be so. We get it twisted. We think that self care means you have to be selfish. It doesn’t. You can care about others and care about yourself at the same time. We’re not so used to it, so it’s a practice to be learned. I’m thinking all over the place now.
I just wanted to touch bases with you, World, really, and tell you that I’m all right. I’m better than ever. I’ve been living in my body and healing. I’ve been planting seeds that I want for my life. And the world is still falling apart. Assholes are still being assholes. Some people I love don’t like me and might not ever. And it hurts still. But it doesn’t overpower me like it used to. Some people who were mean are changing and starting to be nice. I don’t trust it fully yet, but I’m willing for action to change my mind. I don’t run from my meltdowns anymore. They happen at least once I week. I face them. I am teaching myself that I’m powerful and able. Power stopped being a dirty word for me. I stopped associating it with being lonely and being a martyr. I learned that it can be a good thing. It can get you out of dark places. I started doing affirmations and then taking action aligned with them. So if I say, “I am powerful”, then I take a powerful action, like writing out a blog even though it makes my back tense up to feel all these emotions. I am powerful, so I can look at my pained back and have my wounds speak to me. They tell me they are afraid to be seen. They tell me people won’t like me. They tell me I am making myself too vulnerable and I don’t know who all is reading this blog. People will judge me… Wow… This is what I came here to unearth. This deep seated fear of being seen.
Because I am powerful, I can bring all my power to the forefront. I can bring all my Love to the table. You see? This is planting seeds. It is about doing something intentional because you want to create something important to you in the midst of the sky falling down. Here I am trying to express myself. And my body wants to explode from resistance and fear. And in the past, it would. And I would get off this blog and shiver and cry and it would be delayed for a month and this message would not come through. But today, this thought is being completed and this blog is being posted. And we will talk to our pain with Love and power and use the tools we’ve learned.
We touch our back with love. We touch our pain with all our power. I can see that you feel pain. I can see you feel afraid. I can see that you feel wounded. What do you need?
-You need me to show up for you. You need my care. You need my attention. You need me to take safe action. You need me to protect you.
Is this blog safe enough? People might judge you. They will. Some people will not like you, even ones you like. Some folks might ask you for stuff if they think you’re doing too well and it might be hard for you to say no. How can I keep you safe from that?
-Protect me, please. Tell me I am good and likable. Give me nutrients to soothe and heal me. Take me around someone who won’t judge me for my pain, please. I know you have excess energy today. Turn it towards the seeds you are planting for us, please. Don’t give it to the mean folks today. I am your wounded self. Your trauma right here lodged deep in these nerves of your back… Please show me that you love me – show me I am safe – by tending to me.
How can I tend to you today?
-Feed me powerful words. Tell me I’m good and worthy of good things. Tell me I’m worthy of healthy love and healing. And what will heal me? You have someone in your life who wants to breathe life into you, but you’ve been scared to accept. Try it out and see. Accept. Help. Today. And take one step towards watering the seeds of stories you have planted. Let’s do those two things first. Bring your power, your soul, God’s soul in you, your strength, and all your Love to the forefront if you get scared. The sky is falling apart. You are falling apart. And you are growing still. We are growing still… Planting seeds.
Day 567
Planting Seeds and Tending Wounds
Brain going bezerk. Just sent out a request that could change a lot of things. Body going into rebellion. Why is it so hard to accept good things? I know, subconscious patterning saying you’re not good enough, spells, hooks, whatever. I know. But I’d like to be done with this now. I feel sorry for myself. My emotions running wild and fear trying to take the lead. Sorrow following for seconds. Grief. Sadness. Where’s my sweet sister? Wish she was here with me as I’m breaking through. Where’s all the folks I started with? Not here to cheer me on. Well, some are here, but still… Did they ever cheer me on, or was it only the fantasy that was OK?
Oh, man. You know what? I hate to believe that folks can be as bad as they are, but evidence has shown me that they can. And God says don’t dwell on that because it will take me down a hole. I broke up with Liar Liar. Again again again. You know, there are several breakups in a breakup. First the words are spoken. Often one party persists in trying to stay together and then there is that game, lasting anywhere from days to years… Then, finally the decision is made. You move on and entertain others, but still there is that sadness, like now. You reach a benchmark that you and your former “with” or “withs” had been speaking of. Maybe they were even a significant part of you getting started. But somewhere along the way, y’all fell off. You realized they were jealous and only wanted you to win if they could win win first, and even then. Why is it God, that so many people in my life just couldn’t stand by me and watch me win? Even if I take them with me? They want to do it by themselves. They want to say they are better than me.
Sometimes I feel embarrassed. Like a little kid. It took me so long to see the realities of the world. It took me so long to be aware of energy that has always been present. I get afraid. I wonder if I’m special ed or something. I’m sure I’m undiagnosed something. I didn’t realize that there’s a whole better than worse than dominate suppress ego game going on and it’s very, very serious for some people. Life or death serious. Like, I’m on the bottom of the bottom of who is supposed to be dominated in this world. And I’m dark skinned!!!! The bottom of the bottom of the bottom… I got offline to look for my debit card so I could pay online to extend my parking 25 min. I hope when I go back, my car is there. I figured out a way to pay with Apple Pay, but there was a twenty minute lapse in between.
Whilst the lapse was there, I was going through my pics to see if I had taken a pic of my debit card, which I do on occasion. No such pic was found, but what was perused was a pic of me about ten months ago. I can’t believe how bad I looked. Like the life was drained out of me. I am thinking of my life at that time and sad for myself. I was so betrayed by so many. I don’t quite understand it. When I think about the things that have happened to me in life, I wonder if I’m a bad person. Why do people feel so comfortable doing such bad things to me? Why am I kicked when I’m low and chastised instead of helped? I think I’m a little mad at you, God. Why has my life been so hard? I guess I’m not the only one. Why have so many people’s lives been so hard? People nicer than me, even more innocent than me. You didn’t send them protection or the ones who were the ones who were supposed to protect them hurt them them and betrayed them in the most serious of ways. Why, God? That is what my feeling could latch on to… Wow. I guess I was still hurting from all that.
I thought I was a good person, God, but people have not treated me so. They ask me for stuff. All the f*ckin time, like a person who can help others, but they don’t treat me like I’m good. They don’t treat me with respect. They aren’t one bit loyal to me and even try to sink me. They do the worst of things to me. They say the worst of things about me. Would never say it to my face and deny it if someone else spilled the beans. It’s been really hard for me to swallow.
This is the sadness sitting deep under my psoas muscle. This grief my pent up body has been protecting me from feeling. This resistance to good is this. This fear of feeling such deep deep levels of betrayal ever again. We found it! This fear of being hurt is so strong, because this hurt has been so strong…. I just looked up “How to Heal from Betrayal” and I didn’t like the timeline they gave me…. I just looked up another website that was more helpful, and another one. These are the two:
https://www.oprah.com/inspiration/deepak-chopra-what-to-do-when-youve-been-betrayed
https://mindwellnyc.com/top-betrayal-trauma-signs-triggers-strategies-to-recovery-2022/
I suppose those will help. Going to get off this blog in a bit and see what else I can do with this day. My hands feel stiff. My low back/psoas muscle wants to tense up, but I’m telling it to relax. My body is trying to get super horny so I can feel better. I’m not going to do anything about it. On this day, July 11, 2022 at 7:03p in the biggest library of the nation (which is where I am right now), I am going to do something different than I do believe I’ve ever done before. In the midst of feeling like I want to run away and shut down and resist change and resist healing and get all overwhelmed with negative thought and negative emotion and feel sorry for myself and throw a pity party so big that it takes me months to clean up, I’m not going to do all that. I’m going to do something different. These have been the heavy things I’ve been walking with – the chords and wounds and fears preventing me from accepting much good. My angels are applauding me.
I’ve found the secret pathway. It’s through. It’s through it. Not gaslighting. Not pretending you don’t feel. Not avoiding everything. Not necessarily confronting and addressing everyone, though that may happen one day. The pathway is to look at your feelings. Feel them. Go somewhere where you can. In this library of strong and brilliant men (and the women who helped them), there are stories of strength and resilience and overcoming. I am sitting in my seat instead of jumping out of it. I am feeling the deep ache in my low back and choosing to open it instead of bracing. I am choosing to be here, with all the wounds and all the aches and all the judgements against me… I will not defer to online distractions before we end this blog. Nope. Not perusing Facebook or getting caught up on a text. I’m going to be right here until we reach the end of this blog.
The answer to betrayal. The answer to fear, debilitating and hurting. The answer to healing. The answer to staying in your body. The answer to healthy relationships and healthy Love. The answer to living in alignment. The answer to feeling good and great. The answer to breaking through. The answering to all of it is to seek the answer and then follow through with action. Bring your whole self to the table. Yes, the pain is there. Yes, the hurt is there. It’s got you shaking and tremble and teeth chattering and backs hurting and stomach’s tensing. Trust me, I know I know I know. But there are other parts of you there, too. Your deep Love. It is still there somewhere. Find it. Even if it’s in your pinky toe. Your gonna need it. Your power is still there. I know you’ve been rejecting it for long. It hasn’t served you well. Got you in all sorts of trouble. You didn’t know what to do with it. I know it’s been a long time. I know you feel too old for this. But what are we gonna do with our lives? Really. What are we gonna do with our lives? We can’t be trapped by all these subconscious things forever. We can’t be sad forever.
I know it is hard. Trust me. I know what it is to look into the ocean and want to drown there because you think it might be easier than feeling the pain you feel. But you didn’t go in it, OK? You didn’t drown. And you are tired – we are tired – of almost living. Of only broken hearts. Of only betrayal. Of only almost everything. It’s not meant for us, which is why we are so depressed. We are all the way people and we have to choose now. Not to be all motivational. I know we’re supposed to be being sad. We have to take some action now. I’ve reached the end of this blog and there is only an hour left for me to be in this library.
The answer to betrayal is to decide that you want to heal from it. Everyone’s path will be different, but the first step will always be a decision. I didn’t realize my energy was so deeply wrapped up in this wounded wounded feeling I have carried for lifetimes. I will not do like others, though, and resent myself for it. I choose to heal from betrayal. Yes, I do. I am already in a group coaching program. They have assignments for us to do. It’s been helping me big time. After you have decided you want to heal from betrayal. Or after you have decided you want an answer to anything at all, believe me, you will be guided in the strangest of ways. You will get an email that resonates. Someone will say something that touches somewhere deep in you. You will just have the thought to go somewhere. You will remember to do or say or follow through with something you had forgotten about. Someone you love will come to mind to reach out to. Someone will reach out to you. If you’re really, really in tune with your intuition, you will hear it talk to you and it will tell you exactly what to do to heal. Listen to the messages. Take action. It doesn’t have to be so much that you set yourself up for failure. It can be small. In fact, I am finding that it’s better when small and full. Little by little, bring your whole self to the table. What you are doing is, you are learning not to betray yourself. You are learning to trust yourself. You said you were gonna do this, that and the other and be this, that and the other a long time ago. Don’t be too hard on yourself for not having done it.
Forgive yourself. Start small. I forgive myself for writing this blog so long instead of getting to work. I was afraid. And now I’ll take some action to keep my word to myself. I’ve written a long “to-do” list. First, I can accomplish at least one by doing my full amount of PQ reps for the day. PQ reps are mindfulness tools that I have. I’m going to do them now to show myself I’m trustworthy in at least one way today and to show myself that I am powerful and worthy of healthy love (those were my affirmations this morning).
Have a good rest of your day, everyone. Let’s get out of this together.
xx
Laydie
Day 566
The Answer to Betrayal (And So Many Other Things)
I want to write about this. Maybe it will help some folks understand. Maybe I’ll make a show about it. I am sitting at a cafe, tearing up. I have shades on, so most people can’t tell. But there’s a pit in my stomach and my teeth are chattering a bit. I am wondering if I’ll always have to live with this like this.
I took a moment to breathe. And getting on this blog to process this out. Trying to feel the weight of my seat on the chair and the weight of my back against the chair… rubbing two fingers together so my hands will stop shaking. Breathing… This is my life. This is almost every day. Not every day since the beginning, but probably for the past year or two, since I came back into my body and allowed myself to start feeling. It’s much better than not feeling at all, but my God, sometimes its really hard.
Today it was a phone call. A phone call with a man. I had a phone call with a man. He’s nice enough. Maybe even more than nice enough. Nicer than expected. Met him online. Made a crazy, silly online dating post one day when I was bored. At first I didn’t put my pick. Got a few responses. Met one really, really nice guy the other day, but he’s separated from his wife, and we both kind of liked each other a lot. And then he made me think, wow, maybe what I don’t want is just some silly post to meet guys, but to meet a guy for real. That’s what I say I really want. And this guy, in my mind, was unavailable. He lives with his separated wife. Supposedly they agree they both are dating, but so complicated and so much time will be spent disentangling if they ever do decide to part for real… But I kind of liked him. Then I put my pic online out here and lo and behold badabing badabang. So many messages I got! I guess guys like girls that look like me out here. I’m out here, btw. Down South. It was nice to get back to the natural order of things. Where stable, handsome, mature, available men go head over heels for girls like me and I have my pickins from a plethora of eligible men who want exactly what I want. It doesn’t happen as often in the dystopian dating land which is Los Angeles. I mean, some guys like me, but they act like I should be happy they like me and they take sooooooooooooo long to be intentional about anything.
But I digress. My panic attack is slowing down. The writing helps. After putting my pic, I had my picking from fine men. A fine man called today. Former basketball player. I kid you not. We super hit it off. He wants to meet tonight. I’m currently in the same house with my mom. Me and my mom’s last two fallouts was about me being in the same place as her and wanting to go somewhere at night. I kid you not. No, I’m not fifteen. This is my life. We never reconciled our fallouts and now a man asks me out on a date. I know it will be quite a dramatic ordeal if I leave our house after 9p at this particular moment. I feel sad. Sad because this is just the way it is. I am not allowed to be me in all ways if my family knows about it. I am so different than them. I feel alone. I am highly touch deprived and have been so for a while…
I feel afraid of this new guy because he is aggressive. And because I might actually like him…
Then I think of my ex. And how he wasn’t aggressive, but he was. But not so pushy physically. And a bit more understanding culturally of how a mom could act like my mom for her grown daughter who’s been living on her own for over twenty years. I feel sad about my ex. I used to like his face. I liked looking at his eyes and eyebrows. And I miss him so. But he wouldn’t be true to me to save his life. Now he is somewhere, meeting other girls. Fucking whoever… I am somewhere, meeting other guys, doing whatever I want with whoever.
And it all makes me sad and scared and has me here crying and emotions everywhere… Mom misses me. I haven’t spoken to her much in the three days she’s been here. I wish I missed her more. I miss what we never had. There’s definitely deep Love and a deep bond between us, but we are worlds and worlds apart from each other. “Try and find the place where you connect,” Spirit whispers. “Try and Love your mom.” I do. “While Loving yourself.” I can’t even go on a date, Lord. What kind of shit is this? The guy is a writer, and we could both be up all night writing right about now…
I feel afraid to move on. That’s why I’m here. Because this time, this time, we will not let fear lead. I don’t care if we have to write three blogs a day and do affirmation breaths all day long. God, I want to move on now. Even if I have to rub fingers together all day long for the rest of my life. I’m choosing to move on now. And I’m asking for your help. You said you gonna help me if I do your will, and I am doing it. Thy will be done thy will be done thy will be done thy will be done thy will be done thy will be done thy will be done thy will be done they will be done thy will be done thy will be done thy will be done thy will be done. I have tools. I’m gonna use them. Even if I only walk forward fifteen minutes a day. My stomach wants to hyperventilate. Devil ain’t gone get me today. I relax the reflex to tighten. We’re not about to get all muscles sick again. I relax the reflex to tighten. I am safe I am safe I am safe I am willing to be safe I am willing to be safe I am willing to be safe I am willing to be safe I am choosing to be safe… So I have the power to let these men know just how scared I am and just be upfront with them and ask them to move slow with me. I ain’t having sex with nobody… Not right now. I have tools and I’m gonna use them. I have tools I’m gonna use them. I have tools…
Day 565
Tools
Here we go again. So much happens in so short a time that sometimes I annoy myself. But I’ve been wanting to post a blog post for some time. Had a session with my therapy group this early morning at 2:30a. Yep, I’m in a therapy group. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done. I also started my period late last night and couldn’t sleep. Yes, it’s too much information, but if you’re reading this blog, you want to know. I started my period late last night, and a few days prior, I went and got a chiropractic adjustment complete with active release technique disentangling nerve and muscle blocks for the first time in two years. And prior to that, I did a therapeutic process called affirmation breath walk where you breathe and walk and say affirmations at the same time. All four events this week were thoroughly destabilizing.
I also had psychic dreams this week. In my dreams, my ol’ cheating ex’s cheating babes sat down and told me the truth of what really happened with them and my ex. In real life, I reached out to them to confirm my dream, and the truth in my dream was the truth in real life. He was straight up cheating on me with this girl he was calling his friend and telling me the best of lies. He was telling her the best of lies about me, too. And now we know the truth. She knew about me and was ok with me being blind sided by their cheating, but she thought I was the side chick and she was the main chick. She didn’t realize that he was treating me like the main chic and dissing her and lying about his relationship with her.
My ex has been my ex for some months now… In the past few months, an ex from over ten years ago, I’ll him the Opportunist, resurfaced. I needed a friend and in a desperate moment reached out to him. He offered friendship and then got tricky with things, as he’s prone to do, and tried to make me his wife. It all felt so bad in my mouth. I broke up with him – my non boyfriend – as well this week.
On the tail end of so much energetic movement, I had my group therapy session this morning whilst feeling just about every single tingling nerve sensation in my body at the onset of my period. I was in so much pain. I literally couldn’t sleep. My thighs were on fire. My low back was on fire. My womb? I’m surprised an ovary didn’t fall out. I couldn’t get a hold of my emotions. I felt terrified because I knew I was going to have to take quick action and didn’t know what to do. Didn’t feel safe anywhere in the world. Had had a dream life for two weeks. For the past two weeks, I’ve been living a dream reality. Safe. Surrounded by nature. A forest, a lake, deer, birds, light bugs… even stink bugs sending me signs. Spiders, sun, nice people… Nobody telling me to do nothing I don’t want to do and me being able to do exactly what I want to do when I want to do it. Recognizing what’s good for me and being ok with doing what’s good for me. I healed this week. I literally found myself. You know how people say they need to find themselves? Well, I wasn’t thinking I need to find myself. I was thinking I need to get in touch with my Soul. And I did. I courted her. I kept courting her and then, one day, I was deep in meditation, and I found her. And I found myself as well. My innocence. I found my true nature. Innocent Laydie. It was me. I was seventeen. I was ridiculously pure. I am a ridiculously clean hearted person, y’all. So much so that I was easily fooled and fooled and fooled by others because I thought they were clean hearted, too. Until my heart broke. Over and over again. Schemed by the best. Schemed by the worst. Giving my everything to people even when I knew I was being schemed.
Eventually, seventeen retreated. Created a shell over shells over shells. Life has been pain over pain, even before I started writing this blog. So many of the same mistakes over and over. The good news is, I saw the mistakes this time. I saw how I never really asked what was good for me when making choices. Or if I dared to think about what was good for me, I always deferred to what was good for the next person before me, so much so that people were trained to resent me if I dared think about myself. I saw how many people in my life really didn’t like me but felt so comfortable asking me for the deepest stuff that they would never ask anyone else for. It was quite trippy to recognize patterns. I saw how I never really liked most of the guys I dated all the way. Like, even if they had treated me right, I didn’t really want to be with them for one reason or the other. Mostly I just wanted their companionship or I just wanted to be with part of them, and I just wanted to give them part of me. It was very rare that I was interested in going all the way to the point that I could marry someone or have their child. And the few men that I was actually willing to go all the way with were inevitably some stinking cheater with a secret life – some secret wife and kid(s) somewhere – that would never go all the way with me. I would see a room full of eligible, available men and inevitably choose the one whose heart would never be won by me. So I’d either be dating someone who, unbeknownst to me, was already some woman’s man, or I’d be dating someone who I had no plans of ever going all the way with for 3 months, six months, a year, thereby keeping me unavailable to ever even meet someone I could Love.
And so went my Love life. And years passed, surrounded by others but mostly feeling very much alone. Some successes here and there. Went further than whoever wherever. Helped some people here and there. Felt almost none of it. Except the pull. Always felt pulled and out of control by life. Always felt like a victim of this, that and the other. I’m not gonna write a strong woman blog, and tell you how I’m all empowered and no longer a victim anymore, although I am a strong woman. I want to tell you about my period this morning, and all the awful feelings I’ve been feeling and how I melted down with my therapy group and told the truth this morning – that I feel terrified of coming back to the world. That I don’t know what really happened to me, but it feels a bit unfair. Can I say it out loud? It feels a bit unfair that so many painful things have happened. Because I was a really good person. So many people think I have or had bad intent for this, that or the other, but I really don’t. I really didn’t. I hardly ever start an offense. I pray for people’s progress, even the ones that don’t like me.
Oh, but I have been hated by people I love and I have felt it. It’s this mouth of mine. It’s sharp, now. And it’s my only weapon when people come for me. And they hate me because I see straight straight through their bullshit and call them out on it, in places where no one else has… I don’t know if I’m gonna stop that. I kind of like that side of me. I can hear one of my mentors cheering.
So this morning. My body was in excruciating pain. Like, my nerves felt like someone lit a fire on them. Everything was tingling and aching. My thighs, my shoulders, my head, my womb. My womb felt like organs were falling out of me. My mind couldn’t think. I was terrified that my amazing retreat was coming to an end and I was going to have to learn how to be in the world again. I realized where I went wrong. All this time, I didn’t have anyone with me. I mean, I can’t say it like that. I’ve had many people with me who have supported me and given me money and help get me out of binds. I don’t know how to explain it. I have had much help, but I have felt mostly by myself on my own journey. Us humans are interesting… That way of being just wasn’t going to work moving forward. Something in my Spirit knows it can’t work. It’s maybe not about needing someone to help you with stuff. It’s about Love. You need someone to Love. You need someone to share smiles and joy and goodwill with. Someone who you can Love as well. Someone who will receive your goodness and give you smiles and goodness back. Someone who is not going to do you too dirty, or at least say sorry and try and change behavior if you let them know they hurt you. Someone who will let you know when you hurt them and give you a chance to say sorry and change behavior instead of just holding it and holding it against you. You need a with. When I say you, I mean me. It doesn’t even have to be a man. I don’t mean gay stuff. I just mean that everyone needs someone to Love and be Loved by. That’s what my seventeen told me today.
My heart had been so, so broken, especially since last year. So, back to this morning again. I realized I need to be doing life with someone I can Love fully, someone(s) I can align with, someone(s) who actually likes me and wants to be around me not just for what I can do for them. Someone who is interested in breathing life into me in the ways that I need and someone willing to accept support and Love and life breathed into them from me. Someone aligned and compatible. I had done all the work. I had literally gone in meditation to every blessed man I had dated in my life, and to all my relations, family, and friends, and mended, reconciled, forgiven, taken back my energy and given folks back theirs… But there was no one on the horizon that I could think of who could really be that person I needed. There was no one quite interested in living the way I wanted to live… Not many who respected me or my way, although they stayed coming to me for advice and support and comfort. How was I supposed to live in this world by myself? How am I supposed to live in this world by myself? How am I so by myself?
The fear of being back in the world took me over and my body and emotions acted a fool this morning in my therapy meeting. Had a meltdown. The tingles. Do you want to hear something? As I am writing, I feel the tingles in my right thigh. Here’s the interesting part, though. I think they are on the way out. I think these painful tingles have been lodged in my body as vibration for quite some time and I have finally accessed them. They are the pent up trauma and stress responses that I never released. And they are releasing now.
What I wanted to say about my period is that it hurt so much today that I recognized that I might be coming to a time where my periods will be ending soon. And if I want to have a baby, I need to have one soon, because one day, maybe one day soon, one of my periods will be my last period, and I’d be so devastated if I never had a child… I will reach out and let others know – others who can help me – about my intention. It’s time. It’s finally, finally time to have and be my healing. Can you believe it’s never been real until now? The thought of actually making my movies and projects has never been real until now. It’s just been some someday, maybe dream somewhere. Now it’s real. It’s urgent now. I used to want to do these things because they were exciting, not because I was worried about failing. Like, I used to Love these things. I used to Love telling stories. I used to Love helping people. I Love having fun with others. Indeed, I am like an innocent little kid when I am my real self.
So, what’s this blog post about? First of all, I’m gonna post it no matter what it’s about. It’s about me deciding, finally, to let go of trauma and drama. It’s about letting the shakes pass through. It’s about finally, finally, pulling down a dream and planting it on Earth. It’s about living wholeheartedly. My whole heart was missing from everything. Nothing had all of me in it for a long time. And now it was time to call all of me back home. Take me back from all the mens. Take me back from the unresolved issues with friends. Take me back from family dynamics that were not founded and grounded in Love and good will. And let them go. Let them be. Let them free. Anyone who was not aligned. We will meet again where the Love is. This blog post is about me making a decision to Love wholeheartedly, even now. Especially now. It doesn’t mean letting people hurt you or disrespect you. Wholehearted and Safe. You understand? There is a way to be safe in the world, y’all. I know it may seem impossible if you’ve been really hurt for a long time or if someone betrayed you deep or if your whole identity has been shattered. And I understand. I understand you want to withdraw. I understand you don’t want to be open and risk being hurt again. I understand you only want to go for the things you think won’t make you feel too vulnerable. I understand if you fell too many times and stopped dreaming or trying to get back up. I understand. You were not safe. I don’t blame you… But there is a way out. You have to make your own self safe. You have to say fuck everybody else if they are hurting you and won’t stop after you’ve given them a chance. They are hurting you, you understand. Don’t let them gaslight you. Your feelings are real and valid. Shoot, you might be crazy or have PTSD or adjustment disorder or broken mind parts and all that is valid, too. They are hurting your PTSD behind, and no, it’s not your fault that you have PTSD or you’ve been broken and you’re sensitive. The same folks that are still hurting you are probably the ones who gave you those issues through their hurt or neglect or abuse. It’s their fault that they won’t respect that you have PTSD and treat you with the care that a PTSD person needs… Don’t let anyone blame you for feeling hurt. You know what hurt is and you know what Love is. Everybody knows what the energy of Love is and all you have to do is ask yourself “Is this coming from Love?” if you are confused…
That’s what I want to say. If they ain’t researching your condition, asking you how or why you feel how you feel, but just got a lot of judging and attacking, put them in time out. That is how you keep yourself safe. Time out for attackers. You say no to them. It’s gonna be hard at first, especially if people are used to you being their doormat. People are gonna talk about you. The ones you love are gonna say and to the meanest things to you. They might. They might try and manipulate you in the worst of ways. And you might see some ugly, ugly truths. When you see how dark people can be and how far they can go, forgive them. And forgive yourself, too, for how dark you can be and how far you can go. And then decide what you can put up with. Decide what’s good for you. This is the self Love people talk about. It’s as simple as choosing to do what’s good for you. Why wouldn’t you? Why would you choose to do what’s good for someone else instead of what’s good for you? Why would someone who claims to love you want you to do as much? Why wouldn’t you both try and respect each other and do what is good for the both of you? That is Love. But many of us haven’t been taught that way. We are not well trained in Loving. So, now is the time to train yourself. Start with yourself. When you are making choices towards you and towards others, ask your own self, “Is this coming from Love?”
And heal, OK? It’s gonna take some intention to get over every assh*le who f*cked you over. But you have to do it. Why? Because it’s getting in the way of you. Those bitter things are blocking your Love from shining. It doesn’t mean you don’t have to give justice where justice is due. It doesn’t mean you don’t hold folks accountable. All of that fake forgiveness is just the same as holding bitterness. Hold folks accountable. Tell them “You f*ucked me over and I’m not interested in trusting you again until you demonstrate through action that you are interested in doing things that make you trustworthy”. But leave it there. You don’t have to hate them. They can be happy with other people. They can have a good life even if they never tell you sorry. That’s a hard one for me. It feels unfair, and doggone it, it is. But what is even more unfair is if they hurt your ass and then to add insult to injury you keep blocking your blessings because your energy is all negatively tied up with needing them to get retribution before you can feel good. Feel good without them having to pay for anything. It’s a practice. Imagine they are you. We are really all One. Imagine they are your hip. It has hurt you indeed and made some dumb choices over and over, constantly stopping you from moving forward and constantly asking you for shit. But you can’t beat it up because its failed you. You still have to Love it, because it’s a part of you and that Love is the only thing that will make anything flow. If you start focusing on retaliation or needing someone to do or be something, you suffer. Your heart closes up. Your focus is nowhere leading anywhere towards the life you want to have for yourself. So, if you find yourself rolling your eyes because some asshole who did you dirty is smiling or something, just stop. Stop rolling your eyes and say, “I wish you what I wish for myself”. This ain’t for everyone. This practice is for who it’s for.
The innocents who lost their way because of asshole motherfuckers. If you feel like you want to retaliate, retaliate by not letting them take the best of you on top of everything else. Don’t let them take your innocence. Don’t let them take your clean heart. Keep Loving them. Look at them like silly kids with tricks and keep yourself safe. Stand up for yourself.
And when you learn to stand up for yourself, you will learn how to start to craft a new life. You will start to trust your own self. It’s not about being selfish, but it’s about standing up for what’s good for you, whilst loving who you want to love fully, too. That’s what’s new here. That is my experiment on life. I’m giving up my attachment to pain and crying. Me and seventeen have found each other. I’m relying on her and my old, wise self that can smell a liar a mile away, to trust ourselves now and guide my way on. Here’s to a new life. Here’s to giving birth…
xx
Birth
Hi. How are you guys? A lot going on. I am fine here. My heart hurts a bit. Will try and move knives from it when I can. I’ve been a lot of places since my last post. Been a gypsy without a home unpacked. Lived in hotel. Lived with friends. Visited family. Touched base at the only place in the world with my name on the address. Now I’m upstate at a family member’s graduation, and next stop will finally be home.
I didn’t manifest a man or a mansion in a month like I wanted to, although I did manifest part of what I had written down in my goal book: “Be at peace with family and complete past relationships”. As fate would have it, my gypsy life and visiting people led me to connect with past relationships that needed closure and the raggedy parts of my family relationships were brought to the surface, so there is finally a possibility of peace.
I feel hurt and want some comfort. I have an imaginary council of elders that I go to for advice. They are here now with me. One says love your mother and love yourself. Friends have been supporting me. One sends me a message as I write. I have been supported by GIANTS. I am grateful even as I hurt. My other council members tell me to be strong. And powerful. Those parts of me that I’ve always rejected because I thought folks would kill me if they knew how outstanding I was… I accept them. Don’t give up on love. Don’t have a lot to write. Just wanted to touch base.
I saw Phillip. Dream Phillip from years ago in my blog. King Phillip. The only man who gets a name this blog. I saw him. Three times. He’s old now. I guess he’s always been old, but his age is showing now. He wants to have a baby together. I’m not making this up. I’m pretty sure he probably has a medical diagnosis that won’t allow him to live too long and he wants to have a baby before he dies. Maybe he has cancer. I’m sensing cancer… Ummm, yeah. But I saw him. We hung out. Talked. Lived a dream. I don’t even know what to think or feel about him. Don’t know if I’ll have his baby. I probably will, though. I’m getting old. Why not? I’m not sure. Not sure what I’m writing this blog about, but I’ll keep writing till I get somewhere.
I’ve said this before. For some reason, this blog is the best therapy I have. Better than a journal that no one sees. Better than a therapist and even group coaching. All those other things are good, but this blog puts me in touch with myself and helps me process in a different way. I Love writing. I thank God for this tool.
That’s what I was thinking about before I starting writing. Love. And joy. And feeling good. Vibrancy. Passion. Emphatic yes’s. Connection. Congruence. Alignment. Focus. In the midst of this this moment, joy popped in and landed on my brain. Vibrancy, dormant, raised its hand. Told me look at it. Forgiveness somehow seems possible. I embrace it. A different experience of being seems possible. Not just in a fantasy, but in real life. This is the way it was supposed to be.
I embrace the thought of dreams being real. Simmer with it. Sit with it. Bring it into body. We can handle it now. We are strong enough. We have the tools. We are wise enough. Ameen.
Day 564
Reality
He told me he is always worried about me
And my heart busted open with grief
He wanted to take care of me.
I felt it.
I hadn’t felt it in so long… I hugged a friend. I’ll call him Friend. Had forgotten the feeling. Been water wells for hours since… I ended up in a hotel using hotel points and also couch and car surfing. My friend made me realize just how scary and sad my situation is.
My friend made me realize how long I’ve been struggling. I’ve known him long… My friend made me realize what I really wish for. That I could be close with the people that I used to bond with, but that our relationships would be different than they used to be. My friend made me realize that maybe it’s not possible. My friend made me realize that I have grown far, far away from so much I used to know, but everyone doesn’t see it as growth.
The fakeness in families is flabbergasting… I’ve been crying for a few hours. Sobbing, really. I don’t remember the last time I sobbed. My friend busted my stone cold heart wide open… I’m grateful for a friend. A real friend who has known me since back when. A friend who finally thinks I’m worthy of being protected and taken care of and treated nice… Somewhere in his hug and glance there was an apology. Maybe I’m making it up, but that’s what it felt like… We have come a long way with this Love.
My chest literally feels busted open. My back nerves and thighs busted open. I won’t write too long, except to say hello. I felt afraid after meeting with friend, like what am I doing? Could I just go be with family? Why do I feel so far away from them? They mostly don’t mean no harm, but, oh, I feel so hurt and unsafe still…
I want to reach out to my sister. I miss her. I hope she is well…
You, reader, I want to reach out to you and encourage you. Sad feelings are not necessarily something to run away from. You see, they don’t go away by avoiding them. They go away by looking at them, processing, letting them pass through and touching them with Love. It’s not easy to do. It hurts. It might be too much to do all at once. They may never go away fully and I’m not giving you no advice, just telling you my own experience.
I’ve been out of body for a long, long time, trying not to feel stuff. I didn’t even know I was out of body. And I’ve been running in circles for a long, long time, not going most places where I wanted to go. Where I want to go is Love. Where I want to go is belonging. Let’s stop pretending that anything else really matters to me. Yes money and success and film and farm and heal the world, but more than that, Love. Belonging. Arms. Safety.
I got all discombobulated after feeling the feels with my friend. I’m avoiding stuff a bit by writing this blog. Avoiding making a decision on where to go next. Where to live next. Feeling all the fears. I do believe I will face at least one fear and reach out to someone who can actually help me this evening.
I’m grateful for a friend. I’m grateful to have at least one, but really many more, people in my life who have the capacity to help. I’m grateful that I finally see the loop I’ve been in and I’m willing to face fears to remove myself from it. I’m grateful that I’m able to face fears. I’m grateful that my brain works and can be resourceful. I’m grateful that I can feel the ache in my hips and the ache in my shoulders and the ache in my feet and the ache in my belly as I even write this blog and call resistance to progress by its name. And give it love and tenderness instead of anger and judgement…
This part of life will be intentional. The most intentional part we’ve ever had. Living fully. Finally. Making choices we can make wholeheartedly. Finally. Finally finally finally.
Ameen
Day 563
Intentional
hownottocryeveryday 