This Is Over

This is the end. And the beginning. This is over. The other day, I almost died. Again. In fact, I’m pretty sure I did die. Hallelujah and Amen finally. This is over. I think family has been my theme. The theme that I didn’t know I had. Go figure.

Dear Laydie,

I’m sorry. For everything. Where do I even begin? Long lists of wrongdoings perpetrated against me still being reenacted in real time. I could give it my energy, go over the story over and over again until it defines my identity and reinforces a past perspective of life, that yes, was real, but no, isn’t true; or I could not. I could say “This is over” and let it be so. Without having to change anyone else. Without having to fix anyone else. By a simple shift of focus. Onto me.

And honesty. About me.

And so I say it. Abracadabra. This is over. Say it like I mean it. This is over. Yes, indeed. The toxic family entanglements? They are over. The toxic family entanglements? Over. Yes, you could write a letter and tell everyone to fuck themselves and maybe that is necessary if you feel that is the best use of your time and energy. But honestly, those who are fucking themselves are already fucking themselves and when they are interested in knowing how or why, you won’t have to write them any letter. They will write you.

“But they don’t know what they did. I didn’t give them a chance”, the part of you that wants to believe in fantasies pleads. What is more true is that you want to tell on them. You want to tell the world about them. You want to let everyone know that you were good and they were bad. And maybe so. Most likely so. And also more complicated than that.

You are good and they are bad. There. You’ve said it. Is that enough? Somehow it only leaves you with teeth chattering.

You wanted to be seen as good. Because somewhere, somehow someone saw you as bad early on. Your brother. We know. Your best friend. It crushed you. Broke your heart. You want compassion. Pity, even. You want someone to say sorry to you. They see you. They see your broken heart and they will help you mend it. You are a good person. You are not that bad. But nobody came.

Instead, your mother added on to the mantra of seeing you as bad and you tried so, so hard to show her otherwise. Going above and beyond to win her approval to the point you never even bothered to understand what bad and good was for you. But nothing was enough. The slightest argument – I mean you could have ten witnesses telling her what actually happened, and somehow she would find a way to blame you for someone else disrespecting you, hurting you or violating your boundaries. You didn’t state your boundaries loud enough. You smiled too much when saying it. Folks thought you were joking even though you said it five times on five different occasions. Or you said it too meanly, in an attacking fashion, putting them on the defense. You wrote it, but you didn’t write it clear enough. You wrote it to too many people, shaming the offender.

Whilst laying on a bed drained and sick, telling someone, “You are offending me. Please leave me alone. You are asking for my attention, but you are doing so in a negative way. You are going to get negative attention” is too little if it’s not done with a stern face. Throwing water at them or slightly pushing them is way too much. And even still, you are the bad guy if they still continue to disrespect your boundaries.

Do you see where we are going with this, Laydie? Don’t expect someone to think of where you might sleep or thrive or put your own clothes even if you welcome them into your own apartment. That is asking for too much. And if you dare call out the fact that you have nowhere to live, expect that their feelings might be hurt.

I know. You wan to get it all out. And we can do this all day. Write about the things they did to you. And maybe it is necessary for you to process and move on. It is OK if that is what you need. We will be here to listen over and over. We will be here to validate you. I’m sorry, OK. I’m sorry they never saw you as a good person, no matter how hard you tried to prove otherwise.

I’m sorry they accused you of the most heinous of things and the most heinous of intentions. Why do they think you are so bad? Are you really that bad? Are you as bad as the way life has been treating you? Are you so unworthy of being stood up for? Is it that your feelings just don’t matter, but other people’s do? Your back begins to hurt as we ask these questions and that is good. Because something in you that has needed to process this shit and let it go.

“Are you that bad” is the question you ask yourself as you look at all your relationships and the status of your burnt down barn. And we can make it easy for you. You won’t want to hear this. But yes. Yes, in their eyes you are. That bad. Or that unworthy. Or that unimportant. Or too much. Or not enough. Or invisible. Yes, to some people, your needs don’t matter. And you wish they did. I know. You wish so much that it mattered if you said you don’t feel safe or protected in an environment. You wish someone you love would say, “Why? What’s going on? How can I help you?” But they won’t. They didn’t. They told you in so many ways that your needs don’t matter. Your feelings don’t matter. In fact, they told you in so many ways that your feelings are quite burdensome or not that important. Not as important as theirs or someone else’s. Or they didn’t even recognize that you have feelings at all because you are invisible to them. It happened, Laydie. I know, it feels bad, and I’m sorry. We are going to get through this now. We are finally going to get through all of this junk and get to the other side. No, not in theory. No, not just in a blog. For real for real for real. This part of our life, this story is over. Yes, it happened. Yes, it was real. Yes, people you loved dearly saw you those ways and treated you accordingly.

And you want to know still if you were that bad. You want to know if you deserved it. Was kissing a twenty year old man at eleven years old of age bad enough for your brother to tag you as unworthy of being talked to? I know that hurt you so deeply and has affected you for so long, but we are going to heal that now, now, now, because this wound has thrown everything else out of whack. Answer the question. You see your little nieces and nephews now. If your sweet, passionate little niece fell in love young and kissed a boy – if she just couldn’t understand why kissing a boy when you want to is prohibited – would you tag her as bad? Would you say she is unworthy of being talked to? Would you class her as contagious and hell bound and go on a valiant mission to invalidate any of her fundamental beliefs for the rest of your life? Would you encourage her brother to do any of those things? No. Would you encourage her to tag her brother as bad?

If the only way he could make sense of the world was through the rules and then she broke them? And he thought she was down with the rules like him? He would feel betrayed if she broke them. And he would feel she’s bad if she’s bad according to the rules.

So there you have it. Is your question answered? Are you that bad? Yes. To him you were. And this is hard to swallow, but he has a right to his opinion. It is an opinion. He will deny thinking you are bad or treating you as if you are bad because he cannot accept. If he accepts that he has been bad to you, then it will mean (to him) that he is bad. And that is not acceptable. Rather you than him.

But none of it is the truth. Here is the big one. You are bad in his eyes… maybe in all of their eyes at some level… for some thing you did or didn’t do that you didn’t even mean to hurt anyone by. Something you didn’t think too much of. You run late and don’t keep your word (at least not on time) often. That is deplorable for some people. They may not ever tell you, but oh, they will tell other people, and their actions towards you will let you know that resentment is indeed around. Lateness is not a big deal for you, but you did and do break your word as a habit when it comes to time. So? Are you bad? Or are they bad for not telling you how they are offended by you and giving you an opportunity to change? Are both of you bad?

These are the questions that have had energy buzzing at the bottom of your nerve roots for decades. These are the questions that stop your breath and tingle your hands even up to this very moment. And the answer is….. drum role…. You get to define who you are. My baby, we get to say, “I am a good person” and let it be so if we choose it so. I know. It hurts and makes you all uncomfortable. But you are a magician. The best of kinds. A good one. You can say, “This is over now” and let the past be over.

It doesn’t mean that anyone is going to change their opinion of you. They may hate you even more if your wrong, inferior self (according to their opinion) doesn’t cow tail to them. And I know, you wish you could make them like you. But you can’t. Well, you could. But that would mean just doing everything they want you to do. And then won’t respect you. And they will think you are invisible. And they will resent you for being a failure and think you are a burden and that you don’t matter because you act like it. And then you’ll feel unsafe and worthless. Do you see where this all starts and ends?

It starts with something someone did to you. OK? It’s not your fault, Laydie. Understand that it’s not your fault that you wanted your mom’s approval. You’re supposed to. It’s normal. It’s not your fault that you wanted your brother to continue being your friend and like you. You’re supposed to want that. It’s not your fault that you tried to do things and hoped that people would like you or accept you or think you’re a good person because of it, and instead they liked you less and pushed you away more and thought you were the pits. Yes, you were bad (and whatever other negative synonym). To them. The cat’s out the bag. I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m sorry life happened to you like that. I’m really, really sorry. But we have been hanging in the mud with this beginning for years on years on years. And now we get to write the ending. Yep. You and me. Right now. Now, now, now, now, now.

Like any juicy story, the ending will take time to unfold, but we start with a definite resolve to end it. “This is over” we say to ourselves when our back starts to tighten up as we think of all the things that happened. And we open up our hands, imagine our back smiling, and let it go. We move on by saying that “other people’s opinions of me have no power over me” and break the spells upon spells of identity ties that have been holding us. And then we look at our own opinion of ourselves. Have we thought that we are bad? Obviously. Look how our head hangs low. I’m sorry, Laydie. Please forgive me. I Love you. It has taken us so long. Here is where our power lies. We get to change the story of ourselves. Our first mind goes to thinking of changing the story of others because that is how our program is. We don’t think we’re so important, so it’s better to start thinking other people are good so we can help them first instead of helping ourselves. That is where our first mind took us out of habit, but that is not where we are going today.

With purpose and practice, today, and this whole week, we are going to do an experiment. Yes. We are going to say that we are important enough to think about first. We matter. You matter, Laydie. I matter. Your feelings matter. Your needs matter. You are important, too. I know that’s hard to swallow, given all you have experienced in life, but take the pill please. And detach yourself. You don’t have to make anyone happy just because you are. You don’t have to make anyone succeed just because you are succeeding. It would be nice if it flows that way, but it will not flow that way if the other is hurting you. Repeat. It will not flow that way if the other is hurting you. One more time. It will not flow that way if the other is hurting you. Do not let people hurt you whilst you try and help them. Break that agreement. Your feelings matter. Others will get the memo once you get it for yourself.

Nobody has to like you in order for you to like yourself. You have a moral compass. You know right from wrong. You know good from bad. You get to judge yourself according to your own compass. Not your brother’s. Not your mom’s. Not your siblings’. Not friends’. Not lovers’, past or present. You get to forgive yourself even if they don’t. And if it feels like the right thing to do, according to your own compass, you get to apologize for past wrongs. Or you get to say “fuck ’em” or help them or do nothing at all if your compass says that’s not the answer.

Ok baddy bad? Do this work not because you want them to like you. I know this is hard because you want them to like you. You do. And the vibration in you wanting approval from others is strong. But is there anything stronger? Remember when you thought you were dying and your life flashed before your eyes and you were crying about all the things you didn’t do with your time on Earth? Did you cry about anyone not liking you? No. As far as relationships were concerned, you felt bad about not telling everyone the truth about what shits you think they are and how much they wronged you. Why was this important to you? Because you thought they didn’t know and you thought that maybe you could impact them to change and make the world the better place if you could juuuuust show them how full of shit they are. Then they would see and then they would get it together and do better by others and all your suffering at their hands would be worth something… But it doesn’t work that way. All of your suffering by their hands will be worth something if you do something with it. If you grow from it. If it teaches you how to be Sovereign. If it helps you embody your power at last. Your suffering will be worth it if it plants such a deep seed of compassion in you that you can reach the most hurt human beings and help them. Do not do this work because you want them to like you. You do, but don’t let that be your impetus. Your impetus in healing, because that is what we have finally come to the end of – healing and moving through and breaking through – Your impetus in healing is so that you can live a life that you feel is worth something, a life that you find fulfilling according to your own values, my grown up big woman now. You’ve suffered enough. Suffering is not your lot anymore, Laydie, not even at the hands of family. Suffering is not your lot anymore. Suffering is not for you anymore. Speak to any part of you – any part of your life that wants to bring it to you out of habit and declare that “this is over”. This is over. This is over.

And then put all your focus, 100%, on what was really important to you in your life. You know what those things are. You cried about them when you thought you were dying.

You cried about not fully loving anyone and not having a child. You cried about no movies or books that came from you and not doing stuff in the heal the world country at the level you wanted to. So you know what’s really important to you in relationships. Foundational honesty. It’s not important to everyone else, but it’s important to you.

Time to build. Not in that hard, I’m all alone, the world is against me way. Yes, you are mischievous, but not in a bad way. You are playful and you like fun. It’s important to you. Joy is important to you. You are so passionate, but you have no sex. Passion is important to you. You’re an all-the-way, wholehearted person, but you’ve been half-assing everything. It’s time to start a whole new life – oh, you are so mega creative, but you haven’t been making anything. Do you see why life has been the shits? I’m not blaming you. I’m just making it make sense. How is your big ass heart gonna be sitting here not Loving anyone???? Not having anyone who can see you and Love you fully? No, no, no, no, no.

This is over. Resolve. Say it with a different voice. This is over. Forget about everyone else. In you, worthless, unimportant, bad, not mattering is over. For you to experience a better life. That is the practice. For these next three months. If you can do it – and you can do it – If you can tell yourself that you are worthy and act like it. If you can tell yourself you are a good person and you deserve good things and you deserve to be treated well and act like it… If you can know that you matter and walk like it – how does someone who matters walk? With their head held high. Not high high, but chin up. And if you were worthy, then every time something good came your way, you would do like your nephew and just relax into it.

Now relax… let go. You’re not going to do this on your own. Say it with your back straight and chin up. Say it with your chin powerful. Say it from your belly WITH LOVE and let yourself see and hear yourself as you do. Say it with passion, fun, playfulness, joy or whatever way represents what’s important to you. Say it all the way… And do it every day. Yes. Every day like brushing teeth… You are worthy of the very best in life. You are important just because you exist. Your needs and feelings matter. You are a good person and you deserve a good life and good things and you deserve to be treated well. You are not a burden.

Repeat.

I am not doing this on my own. God is with me and not against me. Others are for me and not against me. I am worthy of the very best in life and I now lovingly and gratefully accept it. I am important just because I exist. My feelings and needs matter. I am a good person and I deserve a good life and good things and I deserve to be treated well. I am not a burden. And I claim, resolve and declare all of this because my life is worth something. My life is worth something. My life is worth something. Suffering is not my lot anymore. It is over. Suffering is over. This is over. Relax. Let go. It is done, it is done. IT. IS. DONE.

AMEEN.