Day 568 – Confessions of a Former Codependent Empath with No Boundaries (More Work)

Y’all. These feelings get in the way. And when I don’t integrate them, they just keep me unstable. So here I am, processing things again. Through my therapy group yesterday, we had to do an analysis and talk about what we have to celebrate for the past five years. Five years ago was when I came back to the world after being sick and disabled for two years.

It was a lot. Being sick and disabled after spending a lifetime of being ridiculously in shape and healthy without even having to work for it was something else. So many people say sickness can be a Blessing, and now I see it. Yesterday I saw it.

My sickness totally made me re-evaluate everything. Any my entire life has been falling apart since 2017. Relationships, family, friends, everything readjusted…. And yesterday, I was celebrating all of it. Do you know what I was celebrating? Not going to Disneyland. I know. Wait for it. It’s a good story.

Five years ago, after recovering from being sick for two years and promising God I would do what he wanted with my life if he let me live, I lived. I got back relatively healthy and functional. And I got a big check to boot. Not a super big check. My check actually was not even enough to get me out of the poverty line and food stamps eligible for me. It was $40k, which was actually about $30k because I had about $10k worth of debt, but I know how to live on very small amounts of money, and so it was enough for me to manage my life for a year without having to work… And so I made a plan. I was gonna get my life together and become this super writer and not have to work for a year.

I had my apartment in LA. I had a car. I knew how to navigate resources in LA… I started a new life. But it didn’t last long. Soon, my mother’s job deployed her to LA. Another sister had just had a baby and my mom was babysitting said baby. Another sister had an infant and was in a very tumultuous relationship. Another sister was in LA with mom visiting. And another sister came to visit and that visit would be the visit that had her disappear from the family ever since because she thought things were happening that really weren’t. My teenage niece and nephew were also in town at the time. And my brother got into a car accident that summer that changed his back ever since… My plans were to be hot girl, single, film obsessed Laydie and get my life together, and for a while I was. It was amazing. I had a power partner and everything. And then I wasn’t. My family saw my unemployed status as an open ticket to ask for help. And I like to help my family and at the time I had an inability to say no to people, so I was going here, there and everywhere helping folks. I was hosting friends at my place. I was helping others get over sicknesses… I was dating unavailable, abusive men nonstop, and my friendships were becoming toxic. I was doing everything and anything except being hot and happy, film obsessed Laydie following through on her goals…

At the end of the day, some things worked. I have a farm in the heal the world country. I finished writing a script. But mostly, everything was hard to do and not completely done and emotionally, I was defeated. And when I started setting boundaries (I didn’t know what boundaries were until my power partner gave me a boundaries book in 2017), most of my relationships that I had been bonded to my whole life fell apart. It has been a hard, hard, five years. But it has culminated in a.woman girl who is starting to like herself at last.

And I was celebrating not going to Disneyland. Why? Since around April this year, I started to take my life more seriously. I mean, less seriously but more seriously. I started to put myself first. That statement is so loaded and I have grown up my entire life thinking that to put oneself first is the absolute worst thing one can do. But after realizing that I had set up relationship matrixes where people expected me to always put myself last, forfeit my time and energy to help them thrive at the drop of a dime at all times and become upset if I decided to actually use my time and energy to do things that were good for my life, I realized that putting others first at all times was kind of not the thing to do. I was dying. I was hurting all the time. I was feeling so unloved and so under supported…. I’m glad I chose to write this blog. It’s what I needed. These emotions have been all stuck in me since yesterday and keeping me floored and physically in pain.

So, since April, I started doing what I said I was going to do five years ago. I started listening to what God told me to do. And I started focusing on doing my work. And I started giving my energy and love to people who show me love and kindness and respect through action. And I started trusting people who show themselves trustworthy… But most of all, I started showing myself love and kindness and respect by being kind and loving and trustworthy and honest and true to my own self. By asking myself, “Is this good for you, Laydie? Does this support the life you are trying to create?” And it has been amazing. It has been the best time of my life.

At the beginning of June, I went on a self created retreat. One of my best day ones supported me to stay in their house and get my life together so I could prep for meetings in LA. My meetings in LA kept getting delayed, and to make a long story short, I ended up spending time with my mom for three weeks. I hadn’t planned that. I was back in a bed with mom, struggling with keeping boundaries. Mom and I’s relationship was better, but I was in a family house, and no matter how you paint it, in a family house, there is an expectation to spend time with family. And I love this particular family. But I would have much rather been in nature and doing my therapy work and dating men at night and working like a film maniac to finish my film stuff and getting my farm stuff in order because that seemed like the best use of my time at the moment. And visit family every now and then, when I’m interested in being fully present with them. This may sound selfish, but it’s ok. I’m late, you see.

I’m late for getting pregnant. I worry every day if I’ll even be able to get pregnant. I should be spending all day trying to find some man to sex and baby daddy me at my age. Not coming home at 8p because mom either gets worried or disgruntled if she doesn’t see you by a certain time. And I’m late to get my career in order. I’m at the age and stage where it’s kind of like, either I’m going to do it or I need to give it a rest and do something else. Not fake do it. Not dream it. Not almost do it. Just do it. And if I want to do it soon, I need to do some catch up focus. And I don’t have kids or any of that. I’m supposed to take advantage of this time so that I can create a situation where I can have kids soon and I can work how I want soon, not spend all this time with fam until my money runs out and then I’m forced to be busy nine to fiving… So, it was time for me to leave mom and go back to the focus I had set for myself.

Mom wanted me to stay longer. She wanted me to go to Disneyland with her and fam. Kids wanted me to go to Disneyland with them. One nephew asked me to give him one good reason why I can’t come. Kids won’t understand that I have stuff to do right now and I will be absolutely energetically drained after going to Disneyland and a week trip will really end up being a three week trip for me because it will probably take me two weeks to get stable after sleeping my introverted behind in bed with mom and then engaging with kids and fam from sun up to sun down. I didn’t want to go, but I told them I was going to go anyway, because the pressure was too much for me. I was supposed to meet them at Disneyland and I was going to drive out there a little after them and after I had gotten a little bit a rest.. I laid down to rest, and I woke up with Covid!

Yep. My mom had had Covid, too. Almost everyone had gotten Covid. They wanted me to stick around till everyone got back from Disneyland, but as soon as I got a little functional with the Covid (I’m 100% better now), I left. It sounds so bad to write it out loud, but it made me happy. My family is amazing. But if I had told them that I am working on a thesis paper that is guaranteed to get me a million dollar job that will change our life, they would not ask me to stick around for any reason.

They would tell me to go far, far away and find a library, find someone to have some stabilizing sex with and put my head in the books till I’m done. They might even sponsor me or help to support this venture. They don’t see what I’m doing as a million dollar guarantee, and it’s because I’ve taken so long on it. But I see it. Yep. And I know that when I win for real, all my family is going to win. And the ones who know me know that as well. So I did it… I’m doing it. For the first time in my entire life, I am started to treat myself like I actually have a shot at a good life. I haven’t even been dating folks if I don’t think I can go all the way and have a family with them, or if they aren’t fully willing to consciously do the same without having to be tricked.

So I’m celebrating today. I’m not used to it. I’m not used to celebrating myself. I’m not used to saying any of this stuff out loud because I fear people won’t approve of it. But I know that I need to be OK with the idea that others may not approve of me. It’s a big one. I’m celebrating believing in myself enough to say no to anything that’s not supporting what I’m up to, whether consciously or unconsciously. I’m celebrating a mind that works… My mind hasn’t worked in so, so long. I’m celebrating my wonderful body, who always breaks down when I’m not doing what’s good for it. I appreciate it for stopping me in my tracks, draining my energy, giving me aches, doing whatever it has to do to get my attention so that I can heal, realign, think clearly and do what needs to be done to have a life aligned with who I really am. I can get used to this. I can get used to celebrating myself.

Can I tell you a secret? Sometimes I get scared to post about happy stuff or tell people about good stuff happening to me. I feel like people will hate on me or they will feel like I’m doing so well they can ask me to shift focus to them now. I’m trying to find a new belief as a foundation. Why not me? People get happy for others and support others while they are thriving. Here is my new belief: Others are happy for me when I’m thriving. Others support me even more when I am doing well and want me to focus on myself enough for me to continue to thrive and be stable. Oh, I like this one. Others support me even more when I am doing well and want me to focus on myself enough for me to continue to thrive and be stable… One more time. Others support me even more when I am doing well and want me to focus on myself enough for me to continue to thrive and be stable.

I am willing and choosing to accept Love.

You guys, there is a huge correlation between our inner and outer worlds. If you’re reading this, I want you to know that life can get better. Not just in a one blog way. You probably gonna have to put in some intentional work, and it might be really really hard. It might be the hardest thing you’ve ever done and it might hurt for a while. But it gets better if you keep doing the work. Once you’ve found a clear direction (and you’ll know once you’ve found a clear direction. It’s different for everyone.), keep putting in the work. Even if you stumble. Even if you pause. Even if you backslide along the way. Keep putting in the work and you will see that things do get better. Be honest with yourself. Stop lying about being happy if you’re not. Stop lying about what’s going on in your relationships. Tell the truth to yourself at least. Stop lying about what you really want. And fix the things you’ve broken if you’re led to do as much. Forgive yourself. Fix the broken things inside you…

I Love you I Love you I Love you.

Sincerely,

Laydie

Day 568

Confessions of a Former Codependent Empath with No Boundaries (More Work)