Day 565 – Tools

I want to write about this. Maybe it will help some folks understand. Maybe I’ll make a show about it. I am sitting at a cafe, tearing up. I have shades on, so most people can’t tell. But there’s a pit in my stomach and my teeth are chattering a bit. I am wondering if I’ll always have to live with this like this.

I took a moment to breathe. And getting on this blog to process this out. Trying to feel the weight of my seat on the chair and the weight of my back against the chair… rubbing two fingers together so my hands will stop shaking. Breathing… This is my life. This is almost every day. Not every day since the beginning, but probably for the past year or two, since I came back into my body and allowed myself to start feeling. It’s much better than not feeling at all, but my God, sometimes its really hard.

Today it was a phone call. A phone call with a man. I had a phone call with a man. He’s nice enough. Maybe even more than nice enough. Nicer than expected. Met him online. Made a crazy, silly online dating post one day when I was bored. At first I didn’t put my pick. Got a few responses. Met one really, really nice guy the other day, but he’s separated from his wife, and we both kind of liked each other a lot. And then he made me think, wow, maybe what I don’t want is just some silly post to meet guys, but to meet a guy for real. That’s what I say I really want. And this guy, in my mind, was unavailable. He lives with his separated wife. Supposedly they agree they both are dating, but so complicated and so much time will be spent disentangling if they ever do decide to part for real… But I kind of liked him. Then I put my pic online out here and lo and behold badabing badabang. So many messages I got! I guess guys like girls that look like me out here. I’m out here, btw. Down South. It was nice to get back to the natural order of things. Where stable, handsome, mature, available men go head over heels for girls like me and I have my pickins from a plethora of eligible men who want exactly what I want. It doesn’t happen as often in the dystopian dating land which is Los Angeles. I mean, some guys like me, but they act like I should be happy they like me and they take sooooooooooooo long to be intentional about anything.

But I digress. My panic attack is slowing down. The writing helps. After putting my pic, I had my picking from fine men. A fine man called today. Former basketball player. I kid you not. We super hit it off. He wants to meet tonight. I’m currently in the same house with my mom. Me and my mom’s last two fallouts was about me being in the same place as her and wanting to go somewhere at night. I kid you not. No, I’m not fifteen. This is my life. We never reconciled our fallouts and now a man asks me out on a date. I know it will be quite a dramatic ordeal if I leave our house after 9p at this particular moment. I feel sad. Sad because this is just the way it is. I am not allowed to be me in all ways if my family knows about it. I am so different than them. I feel alone. I am highly touch deprived and have been so for a while…

I feel afraid of this new guy because he is aggressive. And because I might actually like him…

Then I think of my ex. And how he wasn’t aggressive, but he was. But not so pushy physically. And a bit more understanding culturally of how a mom could act like my mom for her grown daughter who’s been living on her own for over twenty years. I feel sad about my ex. I used to like his face. I liked looking at his eyes and eyebrows. And I miss him so. But he wouldn’t be true to me to save his life. Now he is somewhere, meeting other girls. Fucking whoever… I am somewhere, meeting other guys, doing whatever I want with whoever.

And it all makes me sad and scared and has me here crying and emotions everywhere… Mom misses me. I haven’t spoken to her much in the three days she’s been here. I wish I missed her more. I miss what we never had. There’s definitely deep Love and a deep bond between us, but we are worlds and worlds apart from each other. “Try and find the place where you connect,” Spirit whispers. “Try and Love your mom.” I do. “While Loving yourself.” I can’t even go on a date, Lord. What kind of shit is this? The guy is a writer, and we could both be up all night writing right about now…

I feel afraid to move on. That’s why I’m here. Because this time, this time, we will not let fear lead. I don’t care if we have to write three blogs a day and do affirmation breaths all day long. God, I want to move on now. Even if I have to rub fingers together all day long for the rest of my life. I’m choosing to move on now. And I’m asking for your help. You said you gonna help me if I do your will, and I am doing it. Thy will be done thy will be done thy will be done thy will be done thy will be done thy will be done thy will be done thy will be done they will be done thy will be done thy will be done thy will be done thy will be done. I have tools. I’m gonna use them. Even if I only walk forward fifteen minutes a day. My stomach wants to hyperventilate. Devil ain’t gone get me today. I relax the reflex to tighten. We’re not about to get all muscles sick again. I relax the reflex to tighten. I am safe I am safe I am safe I am willing to be safe I am willing to be safe I am willing to be safe I am willing to be safe I am choosing to be safe… So I have the power to let these men know just how scared I am and just be upfront with them and ask them to move slow with me. I ain’t having sex with nobody… Not right now. I have tools and I’m gonna use them. I have tools I’m gonna use them. I have tools…

Day 565

Tools