Day 566 – The Answer To Betrayal (And So Many Other Things)

Brain going bezerk. Just sent out a request that could change a lot of things. Body going into rebellion. Why is it so hard to accept good things? I know, subconscious patterning saying you’re not good enough, spells, hooks, whatever. I know. But I’d like to be done with this now. I feel sorry for myself. My emotions running wild and fear trying to take the lead. Sorrow following for seconds. Grief. Sadness. Where’s my sweet sister? Wish she was here with me as I’m breaking through. Where’s all the folks I started with? Not here to cheer me on. Well, some are here, but still… Did they ever cheer me on, or was it only the fantasy that was OK?

Oh, man. You know what? I hate to believe that folks can be as bad as they are, but evidence has shown me that they can. And God says don’t dwell on that because it will take me down a hole. I broke up with Liar Liar. Again again again. You know, there are several breakups in a breakup. First the words are spoken. Often one party persists in trying to stay together and then there is that game, lasting anywhere from days to years… Then, finally the decision is made. You move on and entertain others, but still there is that sadness, like now. You reach a benchmark that you and your former “with” or “withs” had been speaking of. Maybe they were even a significant part of you getting started. But somewhere along the way, y’all fell off. You realized they were jealous and only wanted you to win if they could win win first, and even then. Why is it God, that so many people in my life just couldn’t stand by me and watch me win? Even if I take them with me? They want to do it by themselves. They want to say they are better than me.

Sometimes I feel embarrassed. Like a little kid. It took me so long to see the realities of the world. It took me so long to be aware of energy that has always been present. I get afraid. I wonder if I’m special ed or something. I’m sure I’m undiagnosed something. I didn’t realize that there’s a whole better than worse than dominate suppress ego game going on and it’s very, very serious for some people. Life or death serious. Like, I’m on the bottom of the bottom of who is supposed to be dominated in this world. And I’m dark skinned!!!! The bottom of the bottom of the bottom… I got offline to look for my debit card so I could pay online to extend my parking 25 min. I hope when I go back, my car is there. I figured out a way to pay with Apple Pay, but there was a twenty minute lapse in between.

Whilst the lapse was there, I was going through my pics to see if I had taken a pic of my debit card, which I do on occasion. No such pic was found, but what was perused was a pic of me about ten months ago. I can’t believe how bad I looked. Like the life was drained out of me. I am thinking of my life at that time and sad for myself. I was so betrayed by so many. I don’t quite understand it. When I think about the things that have happened to me in life, I wonder if I’m a bad person. Why do people feel so comfortable doing such bad things to me? Why am I kicked when I’m low and chastised instead of helped? I think I’m a little mad at you, God. Why has my life been so hard? I guess I’m not the only one. Why have so many people’s lives been so hard? People nicer than me, even more innocent than me. You didn’t send them protection or the ones who were the ones who were supposed to protect them hurt them them and betrayed them in the most serious of ways. Why, God? That is what my feeling could latch on to… Wow. I guess I was still hurting from all that.

I thought I was a good person, God, but people have not treated me so. They ask me for stuff. All the f*ckin time, like a person who can help others, but they don’t treat me like I’m good. They don’t treat me with respect. They aren’t one bit loyal to me and even try to sink me. They do the worst of things to me. They say the worst of things about me. Would never say it to my face and deny it if someone else spilled the beans. It’s been really hard for me to swallow.

This is the sadness sitting deep under my psoas muscle. This grief my pent up body has been protecting me from feeling. This resistance to good is this. This fear of feeling such deep deep levels of betrayal ever again. We found it! This fear of being hurt is so strong, because this hurt has been so strong…. I just looked up “How to Heal from Betrayal” and I didn’t like the timeline they gave me…. I just looked up another website that was more helpful, and another one. These are the two:

https://www.oprah.com/inspiration/deepak-chopra-what-to-do-when-youve-been-betrayed

https://mindwellnyc.com/top-betrayal-trauma-signs-triggers-strategies-to-recovery-2022/

I suppose those will help. Going to get off this blog in a bit and see what else I can do with this day. My hands feel stiff. My low back/psoas muscle wants to tense up, but I’m telling it to relax. My body is trying to get super horny so I can feel better. I’m not going to do anything about it. On this day, July 11, 2022 at 7:03p in the biggest library of the nation (which is where I am right now), I am going to do something different than I do believe I’ve ever done before. In the midst of feeling like I want to run away and shut down and resist change and resist healing and get all overwhelmed with negative thought and negative emotion and feel sorry for myself and throw a pity party so big that it takes me months to clean up, I’m not going to do all that. I’m going to do something different. These have been the heavy things I’ve been walking with – the chords and wounds and fears preventing me from accepting much good. My angels are applauding me.

I’ve found the secret pathway. It’s through. It’s through it. Not gaslighting. Not pretending you don’t feel. Not avoiding everything. Not necessarily confronting and addressing everyone, though that may happen one day. The pathway is to look at your feelings. Feel them. Go somewhere where you can. In this library of strong and brilliant men (and the women who helped them), there are stories of strength and resilience and overcoming. I am sitting in my seat instead of jumping out of it. I am feeling the deep ache in my low back and choosing to open it instead of bracing. I am choosing to be here, with all the wounds and all the aches and all the judgements against me… I will not defer to online distractions before we end this blog. Nope. Not perusing Facebook or getting caught up on a text. I’m going to be right here until we reach the end of this blog.

The answer to betrayal. The answer to fear, debilitating and hurting. The answer to healing. The answer to staying in your body. The answer to healthy relationships and healthy Love. The answer to living in alignment. The answer to feeling good and great. The answer to breaking through. The answering to all of it is to seek the answer and then follow through with action. Bring your whole self to the table. Yes, the pain is there. Yes, the hurt is there. It’s got you shaking and tremble and teeth chattering and backs hurting and stomach’s tensing. Trust me, I know I know I know. But there are other parts of you there, too. Your deep Love. It is still there somewhere. Find it. Even if it’s in your pinky toe. Your gonna need it. Your power is still there. I know you’ve been rejecting it for long. It hasn’t served you well. Got you in all sorts of trouble. You didn’t know what to do with it. I know it’s been a long time. I know you feel too old for this. But what are we gonna do with our lives? Really. What are we gonna do with our lives? We can’t be trapped by all these subconscious things forever. We can’t be sad forever.

I know it is hard. Trust me. I know what it is to look into the ocean and want to drown there because you think it might be easier than feeling the pain you feel. But you didn’t go in it, OK? You didn’t drown. And you are tired – we are tired – of almost living. Of only broken hearts. Of only betrayal. Of only almost everything. It’s not meant for us, which is why we are so depressed. We are all the way people and we have to choose now. Not to be all motivational. I know we’re supposed to be being sad. We have to take some action now. I’ve reached the end of this blog and there is only an hour left for me to be in this library.

The answer to betrayal is to decide that you want to heal from it. Everyone’s path will be different, but the first step will always be a decision. I didn’t realize my energy was so deeply wrapped up in this wounded wounded feeling I have carried for lifetimes. I will not do like others, though, and resent myself for it. I choose to heal from betrayal. Yes, I do. I am already in a group coaching program. They have assignments for us to do. It’s been helping me big time. After you have decided you want to heal from betrayal. Or after you have decided you want an answer to anything at all, believe me, you will be guided in the strangest of ways. You will get an email that resonates. Someone will say something that touches somewhere deep in you. You will just have the thought to go somewhere. You will remember to do or say or follow through with something you had forgotten about. Someone you love will come to mind to reach out to. Someone will reach out to you. If you’re really, really in tune with your intuition, you will hear it talk to you and it will tell you exactly what to do to heal. Listen to the messages. Take action. It doesn’t have to be so much that you set yourself up for failure. It can be small. In fact, I am finding that it’s better when small and full. Little by little, bring your whole self to the table. What you are doing is, you are learning not to betray yourself. You are learning to trust yourself. You said you were gonna do this, that and the other and be this, that and the other a long time ago. Don’t be too hard on yourself for not having done it.

Forgive yourself. Start small. I forgive myself for writing this blog so long instead of getting to work. I was afraid. And now I’ll take some action to keep my word to myself. I’ve written a long “to-do” list. First, I can accomplish at least one by doing my full amount of PQ reps for the day. PQ reps are mindfulness tools that I have. I’m going to do them now to show myself I’m trustworthy in at least one way today and to show myself that I am powerful and worthy of healthy love (those were my affirmations this morning).

Have a good rest of your day, everyone. Let’s get out of this together.

xx

Laydie

Day 566

The Answer to Betrayal (And So Many Other Things)