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October 19, 2022

Can I tell you what this feels like? Have you ever had a Charly horse? Or like, has your foot or your leg ever fell asleep because you kept it in one position for a long time? And then you move it finally? And you feel all the tingly things all throughout your body and it hurts like hell? Well that’s what I feel like.

All over my body.

I’ve been feeling this way for about four days, ever since I did a thing. I did a thing that could change my life forever. I did a lot of things at the same time, but this particular thing was a thing thing. It was huge. I can’t tell you about it, but it was huge. In the midst of the doing, my back hurt, my leg hurt, I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to cry and go to sleep. I’m sure I did cry. I talked to my inner child and called forth Woman King strength and asked God for grace and called upon my dead daddy. And I did a thing. Differently than I had ever done.

And then I couldn’t walk. My whole body became a tingly sleeping foot just coming alive. I’m not joking or exaggerating. The next day after doing a thing, I took a walk down the street. This particular walk normally takes me fifteen minutes. But it took me one whole hour this time. I couldn’t breathe. My legs were wobbly. My body was just feeling all these sensations that I don’t remember ever feeling before. And I had to think about each step before taking it.

I feel a bit afraid, but not of bad things. I am awakening and I know it. I’m coming alive for real for real. I feel confident that I can sustain this energy this time. I have proven to myself that I’m becoming trustworthy and I don’t do things that sabotage me any more. This is a huge deal to me and for me.

I guess I’m reaching out today because I’m proud of myself and I want to tell somebody. I did a thing, y’all. And I’m doing more things. I’m making good decisions finally. Choosing what helps me thrive and keeps me safe. I know y’all don’t like to hear me saying this, but I’m not giving all my life force and attention to my family. It feels so good to be able to say no to people. To be able to say, “please think of me, too, if you want me to think of you” and follow through with action. I’m feeling myself a bit. Because I’ve never done it. It’s been impossible for me to make that choice before – respect me and consider me and wish me well and be ok with me thriving – hell, celebrate me thriving – or you don’t get access to my personal personal inners on that level. Love me. Be interested in Loving me. No negotiations. Mistakes are allowed, but no negotiations…

I am grateful for everything, God. I pray that I can be here longer to do stuff now. Feel the effects and impact of this awakening. Experience what it feels like to be a good person living a good life. Experience what it feels like to exchange real Love with people on a level I don’t even dare to imagine. Experience my Love and all I give being received and appreciated and valued. Redemption and reconciliation…

I’m not going to write too much more. My body is buzzing and kind of hurting in a good way. I want to have sex. Sorry mom. I said it. But not just sex with some nasty nasto… Like, I want to connect with someone deeply and full and be present in the world. I kind of want to rub magnesium all over my body and do believe that I am going to go and jump my whole self into the ocean today.

I miss you, whoever you are who misses me. But I don’t miss dysfunction or toxicity and don’t want things back the way they were. What I want, and what I demand is to be considered, not just in thought, but in action. I need to know that when I say, “Guess what amazing feat I just achieved????” you will clap for me and cheer for me and lift me up in celebration and not say “Yay, Laydie has done it again” with sarcasm and contempt. What I demand is for you to tell me what I have done to you so I can come to your feet and apologize and we can mend, not go and tell everyone except for me and then treat me with resentment and hostility and mistrust. And if I have no thing and you are in fact the culprit, I need you to own it if you want my trust. Every Blessed thing. I will Love you regardless. I will wish you well regardless. But trust is for the ones who have proven themselves trustworthy and the ones who own up and make amends when they make mistakes.

Big people stuff. I am big person. I don’t care what anyone has to say about it. It doesn’t mean that I am bigger or better. It just means that I am big. I was made that way. And I have been living out of alignment with the core of my very DNA. And putting up with shit shit shit. I’m not even going to start talking about all the things that I can’t believe happened. But they did. They happened. And I forgive myself. Little by little. For the things I allowed. For the things I did. For the things I didn’t do. I forgive others, too. Perhaps we can really start to live now and point our focus towards to sun. We can. We can. We can.

I Love You.



Day 569



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