All Of Me (Light Force, Activate!)

Y’all. So. My vibe is leveling up and I’m feeling inclined to run and celebrate. I met a man… It’s always about a man, I know. The kind of men around me change according to the kind of life I’m living. I can tell what’s going on in my world by the kind of men around me.

Men have started being nice to me. The mean asses still exist, but I don’t spend too much time with them anymore. And possibility is on the mind. Y’all I’m so antsy I don’t know if I’m coming or going. My sis lives in a house. I’m at my sis’s house. It’s nice. These ideas. I’ve never really had them. I don’t know what happened to me. This idea of a family. I mean, I’ve had it as a fantasy waaaaay off somewhere in the back of my mind. Not even a real fantasy. Just a cloud somewhere in my mind.

I’ve never thought it was possible to be safe with others. Up until now. Well, I have learned to use my words. To curse people out and set boundaries. Yep, I said it. Curse them out ahead of time before things go so far. I want to forgive my sister. I want to forgive everyone, to be honest. Now. Now now. Just right now. It doesn’t matter if they ever change. It so doesn’t matter. They can be assholes all they want. But they can’t be an asshole to me. Yesterday, one of my sisters was going too far in the way she was speaking to me. In the past, I might not have said anything and just held it and felt hurt and made up a whole story about how she doesn’t like me and why her energy had shifted and she was talking crazy to me. But I didn’t. Well, I made up a story of sorts as far as the why. But what I did was tell her “I don’t like the way you’re talking to me. Stop.” And she did. And that was enough. Her why doesn’t even matter to me. I still love her and I don’t have to worry about whether or not she loves me nor all the complexities of what is or what isn’t in her life.

What I’m trying to get out on paper this morning is that I’m learning how to live life, y’all. Finally for the first time. For the first time in my entire life, I am aware of when my thoughts are my own thoughts and I’m able to say no to people. This is a big deal. I’m exciting about finally being able to let go of an entire way of being that wasn’t serving me.

My brain started working the other day! Y’all, my brain hasn’t worked in so long. Since October 2015 when I sat at work and was trying to work on processing some paperwork and I couldn’t remember what I was doing. I couldn’t remember what I was doing. I was under loads of stress and I couldn’t remember what I was doing. I sat there at work and I just couldn’t remember what I was doing. I busted out crying and called the psychology department of my insurance. It was the first time I had ever called a psychology department of anything. I went in to see them. I had indeed undergone a breakdown of sorts. They put me on work leave and I went to a group behavioral therapy program called work clinic. Now that I have done so much self healing work since, I know that the clinic was quite extraordinary. We worked on grounding without calling it grounding, positive emotional attractors, orienting… I should have been a therapist. I love this kind of work

Anyway, this blog doesn’t have a focus point, but I’ll post it anyway. Since my brain skipped a beat in 2015, it has been skipping beats ever since and not remembering the simplest of things. You know, people go through so much and many of us are not even aware of all the ways trauma and stress and heartache and feeling unsafe are impacting our quality of life. And not telling the truth. Not telling the truth is such a big deal. We start by avoiding the things that hurt and lying to ourselves about how we feel and never quite resolving or fixing anything. And then we disassociate and we start lying to others. And then we completely forget who we are and what we wanted to be doing with this thing called life…

I’m sorry. If you’ve been going a hard time or you forgot yourself. I’m sorry. If your brain went offline a long time ago and it’s been offline for so long that you don’t even know the difference now. I’m sorry. If your heart stopped working that one time someone stabbed it so deep and you don’t even remember what it feels like to love or trust or be able to relax around anyone. I’m sorry. If you’re not in your body because you don’t feel equipped to feel the pain that is there. I’m sorry. And I’m super sorry if you have no idea what’s going on with you, but you just know that life isn’t working and everything hurts. I hope it gets better for you. I hope you get better.

It’s getting better for me. I want to encourage someone. My brain came online after being offline for almost seven years. It wasn’t easy. In fact, it was hell. Disappointment after disappointment after pain after pain. Maddening thoughts that I won’t even write about more than once. Body tingles I wasn’t even aware of for years on end until they became body aches and paralysis. I don’t know what happened to me. But I want to tell you I’m back. I’ve been healing and healing and healing and finally I am able to tell people know and not feel like my life is over if people I love reject me or don’t understand me.

The other day, I was looking for my keys and I couldn’t remember where I put them as usual, and then I asked my brain to come online. I literally said, “Brain. Come online and show me where those keys are.” And my brain remembered! It remembered! I remembered! And I found the keys. And then I asked it about other stuff. Where did I put some crayons. And how to get from one place to another when I’m driving back home in the exact same direction as I came. I didn’t used to be able to remember that stuff. But my brain has been showing up for me. I even ask it what to do when I’m making difficult choices, and sometimes it tells me, “I don’t know. Ask heart.” Or “bring Soul online”.

And then I make choices that I’ve never made before and I feel things that I haven’t felt in years and I am hopeful. Not only hopeful, but acting on hope. And so I want to share that with you. Because I don’t want you to give up hope. I heard Esther Hicks say, “I have decided that I am a good person and I deserve good things.” You can make that decision for yourself. You are a good person and you deserve good things. And good things deserve you.

Today, I commit to live my life fully. Yes, fully. It won’t happen all at once, but maybe it will. But I’m deciding to bring my full self here. My full presence as a light being. I may not be able to hold it all at once, but slowly slowly I’ll get used to it. And my soul and my brain and my heart and my body can help.

You know, sometimes I think that I don’t want to say all this gung ho stuff. I don’t believe it. I might mess up on stuff and I might write this “bring all of you” blog and then not bring all of me tomorrow. But little by little, I will bring more and more of myself…

Y’all. Someone just wrote an angry text message. A guy I used to date who I am unfortunately linked to on a work project who just asked me to get back with him and I rejected who is now letting out his anger on work. My back is starting to tingle. How to navigate, new Laydie? Don’t engage. Let the energy pass. Stay the course and stay focused. His anger doesn’t have to hit you. Light shield! Activate activate activate! Sometimes people don’t even know what they are doing when they attack you. Sometimes it’s other forces working through them. Sometimes it’s other forces working through you or all the subconscious nonsense that so many of haven’t processed… When I activated light source just now, my back calmed down. I am now telling my back it’s safe. You’re safe. Nobody’s anger can destroy your peace. Nobody’s mood can destroy your peace. Nobody’s thoughts of you can destroy your peace. You don’t even have to put your focus onto fighting or defending yourself from others.

Light shield activate. Activate activate activate! Bring your own intentions forward instead of being at the effect of others’ intentions for you and you control your life at last.

Today’s intention – Light Force activate. Give and receive Light. Give and receive Love. No matter happens, that is what you really want to do, Laydie. And tap into all of you to help you find your way. Soul Activate. Brain Activate. Light Presence within me, activate. Heart activate. Body, accept your own energy now and be nourished by it.

I love y’all. I love you. I love you.

xx

Laydie

All of Me (Light Force, Activate!)