And today is another one of those days. Anxiety all in body. It’s not a disease. It’s a result of a lifestyle, and it fixable with lifestyle changes.
I’m emotional this morning. I think it’s fear. I was sitting on the floor, but I moved to the couch. My couch is slanted. I got a new base for it because the old base broke, and my friend put it together for me, but somehow its slanted… I’m sure that does something to you, to always be sitting in a slanted couch. My former Lover’s grandmother died. She raised him as her son…
A new guy came into my life last week. Offered everything I wanted. We were even supposed to start making a baby this past weekend. But he had a big cold sore on his mouth and he lied and said it was a bug bite. And he was very overbearing. Wanted to be in my space at all times asking me to give him my attention. And quite frankly, I wasn’t interested in giving him my attention. He was boring and low energy. Wanted to talk about stuff like his old aunties and court cases and traumas that happened to people he knows and the evils of the world. Then he’d shift it and ask me if I wanted him to buy me food or do my feet, etc. He bought me a lot of stuff, which was different for me. It’s been a while since I’ve dated a guy who wanted to give me stuff.
Prior to dating him, I lived with two brothers. My best friend and his brother had come to visit. They did stuff for me, too. But it wasn’t them buying me stuff. Or rather, it was buying me stuff that I actually cared about and wanted. The brother bought flowers. It was amazing. I don’t normally get flowers unless it’s my birthday. But this guy bought flowers for the dining room table and he bought me an orchid and he calls on the watering dates to remind me to water it. That was so special to me. And my friend would regularly help me with stuff. He’d help me do this meditation thing I was doing. If I was tired, he’d sit with me and read the meditation thing to me. It’s a 90 day meditation program where I have to read certain things twice a day. He bought me cake after the 30th day and after the 45th day… to celebrate my progress. And both of these brothers stood guard and protected me from mean people and helped me with stuff and took out trash and cleaned up and cooked and laughed with me and showed interest in the things I was interested in. And we went places together and had fun and they held my hand and prayed with me and hugged me when I needed hugs. It was one of the best experiences my life. And the one brother called me “beautiful” or “love” almost every day and he meant it and he made me tea and cut the lemons real pretty and set it up for me in the mornings while I was meditating.
After that experience of being poured into, there’s no way I could be with a fuddy duddy that comes over wanting to eat my energy. He did things, too, but the energy was off. And I was thinking to write about something else this morning, but I think what I’m writing about is energy.
Before I go there, though, Spirit had told me to consolidate what I received in meditation. “Know what you know.” I had been confused about what to do in this day and where to start. Yesterday, I had meditated and prayed and written for several hours and my energy was heightened. So, let me share a thing with you. Normally, I don’t like to have heightened energy, because it’s very uncomfortable. It’s painful, almost. So if I get to a state of heightened energy, I quickly try to dissipate it. What is heightened energy, you ask? Let me try and explain. My whole body feels tingly and sensitive. I guess it would be similar to how someone feels when they’re horny, but it’s not quite horny. I fell excited. I feel like anything is possible… I just had an aha moment. The problem comes when I feel this way and nothing amazing happens. And so, I think I learned a protective measure. In order to stop from being disappointed in this heightened state, I dissipate the energy quickly by doing something physical or getting into someone’s business and giving energy to them. But what if I didn’t? What if, instead, I used this energy to take action towards something I think is amazing? What if nothing amazing happens because I don’t try and make anything amazing happen? What a concept. Oh. That was my message this morning.
Follow Through. My former Lover messaged me and threw me off. Somehow I think I will be with him by the end of the month. His energy is pulling me towards him. I literally just saw a message from him. He’s trying to be my friend again. I don’t know if y’all keep up with my life, but a little over a year ago, I had met a man. He lives in another country. He’s younger than me. I fell in Love with him. I’m not sure if he fell in Love with me. I think he did, but didn’t quite want to be in love because it made him feel trapped. And he was used to being a single ho. I know about being a single ho. Excuse my language. But it is what it is. It’s a state of mind that I know very well. It’s an imaginary place. You say you want a relationship, but your thoughts about relationships are not congruent. You plan a life by yourself. You plan to make your own money, do your own career… Your bed has one dresser by it, if any. Your life has room for one. You hang with a lot of people from the opposite sex, never quite being vulnerable to any of them. I know that life. My former Lover changed it for me. It was so weird. It didn’t happen automatically. I had to be intentional about it. But at some point, I chose him. Just him. I Loved him all the way. It was the most amazing thing I’ve ever done.
We broke up because whatever whatever, and I haven’t been in touch with him in about four months. And I’ve met about four guys in these four months. They a’ight. But mostly mean assess. I’m cussing in this blog. It’s a bit unfiltered. Sorry, y’all. No filter today. They were mean asses. An Iranian guy who wanted to have sex with me immediately but didn’t want to do any sex checks. A young drummer guy whose name I just can’t seem to remember who also wanted to have sex immediately and also wanted to have the freedom to whore around and also wanted no sex checks to take place. My neighbor who was willing to have sex checks and do all the right things and court me on one condition: I jump, hop and skip on his command otherwise he’ll punish me. And then this new guy. Similar vibe as my neighbor. He’s trying to smother me and make sure he’s in my space all day every day so that I don’t have time or space to meet anyone else. And that’s fine and dandy, but not. Cus I don’t like him… I may be getting too real here. He doesn’t see me. He sees what he wants a woman to be for him and wants to mold me into that. And he’s a bit resentful that I come with my own things.
But I digress. What am I writing about in this blog? The energy in my leg has become very painful. I’m trying very hard to call my energy back into my body, but it’s with him. My former Lover. I want him. I might as well surrender, because I’m not going to be able to resist being with him. So there you have it. Focus of blog has changed just like that.
Get my act together so I can go be with my Love. My friends will come stay in my place and help me manage my life and film empire until my baby comes back with me in April. If that’s what I want. Lawdamercy. My old guy will give me all the money I want and need if I just ask him… Just like that? Yep.
God is telling me that whatever I want will happen at this moment. I have crossed over to the other side. Will I follow through now and make space and step into a new life, or do I just want to be here forever hoping and wishing and writing about things that I won’t allow to happen? Will I allow myself to be fulfilled? In real time? Not in fantasyland. In real time. I’m not on the other side of happy anymore. I’m not depressed anymore. I’m not confused anymore. I’m just pretending like I am because I’m used to being that way. And I feel afraid of being any other way because at least I know how to manage the darkness I’ve experienced. I don’t know how I will manage if I actually hope for my dreams to come true and they don’t happen.
So, fear spoke to me this morning and said it will help me. I can use it. It is useful. It teaches me caution and planning and it teaches me to pay attention to energy and pay attention to myself and my health and what’s good for me. And it tells me what I need to be safe. So consult with it. Partner with it.
-What I want you to do, Laydie, is go into a flow state. For fifteen minutes, embody fulfillment. You can do this. You are strong and powerful. You can have anything you want. But it’s not about you having anything you want. It’s about you being who you are. A beautiful flower. A fruit bearing tree. Capture this. It isn’t magic. It is you anchoring yourself so that you be who you are meant to be… After you have embodied fulfillment in your body – it is possible for you to Love and be Loved by a man who treats you well, supports you, admires and respects and wants you whole heartedly and someone you love and admire and respect wholeheartedly – Your Lover wants to do this. You can feel it. Don’t run from it, but don’t hold him to it. Let him be your muse, knowing it is possible to be inspired, activated, interested in life and vibrancy. That is what you’ve always longed for. You’ve longed to be alive. You’ve longed to be safe. You’ve wanted to be able to be safe. And now you’ve learned how. The world is not the one who is going to keep you safe. You are. Not just by hiding in your house and room. But by learning. Ummm hmmm. By being intentional. By trusting your body. It tenses up when there is pain and unsafety. Believe it. And it loosens up and becomes excited when there is love, vibrancy and alignment. It’s enough writing now. You are delaying. Do one thing at a time. Fifteen minutes. Embody fulfillment. Learn to feel good about fulfillment instead of being afraid of it. It’s a frequency you are learning to hold… Then on to the next thing. I Love you.
xxx
Day 581
Fulfillment
He told me to use my words. This was the miracle if I chose it to be. Write my story how I want it to be…
A new story. Part of me struggles to let go of the old. Part of me doesn’t believe. But the deeper part of me knows that this is the direction we have been going all our lives and if we choose, we will have arrived in a new place.
I have to close my eyes to choose. There is a man at the dining room table in my apartment. He brought flowers in the apartment for me yesterday. Sponsored groceries last night and I bought spaghetti fixins and yesterday he and his brother – my best friend – brought water for me, which I am drinking this morning.
I am happy. I was going to say I have no reason, but actually, I do. I am supported and Loved. I was going to say I don’t know how to receive this, but I am cognizant of using my words. I do. I do know how to receive this. Like this. With eyes closed. Taking in the good. Milking this moment.
The good is that I am not alone… My friend told me to start life in the present and stop referring to the past as a reference point, and it’s a habit I’ll have to learn how to break.
In the present, my Best Friend is here and we are best friends again after so much turmoil between us. I’ve missed him. We don’t hate each other any more. His presence is helping me. We talked out our issues. They are over. And I am full of Love and gratitude for a friend who helps me clean my kitchen, and whose presence gets me off the couch and bed and makes me do what’s needed to be active in the world.
And in the present, my friend has also brought his brother with him. A gypsy beautiful man full of songs that sound like bubbles. He brings flowers, takes up space with fairy energy, and asks how you sleep. They are both protectors and providers. They are taking care of me. They listen to my guidance and allow me to help them as well.
They don’t hate me. They want me to win because they think that if I win, then they win. And it is true. I don’t know if this has ever happened in my life and so I am intentionally taking it in…
I am surrounded by beautiful men. A dream come true…
My friend said to use my words. And who is my friend, you ask. MY PEOPLE! From years ago. I wanted him to marry me and be my baby daddy, but he didn’t do that. But guess what he did do? He stuck around. He’s been around for years. Advising me. Helping me. Giving tangible support. Being a solid example that I can be Loved and cared for. He has been so consistent that guess what? I’m starting t believe him.
I cleaned out my bathroom today so my new angel brother won’t have to bathe in filth. It smells really good now. I am glad to have people around who make me get up and do the stuff I always wanted to do just by their presence.
I set boundaries this morning. The men wanted to talk to me and I said no. Told them my usual schedule. They honored and respected it. I will happily engage with them once done doing what I need to do. I’ve never been able to do this before. Most people in my life have never responded to my boundaries and my need to put energy into my own intentions with positivity before…
I won’t write too long because there’s much to do today…
My friend said to use my words to create a miracle in my life. He said I’d been creating all the stories I’ve already lived, and now I can create a new one. I can command a miracle. I know. It sounds blasphemous. A less blasphemous way to put it would be to say that I can make inspired definite plans and intentions, follow through with them, stay focused, set boundaries and watch my life unfold. It has already been happening these past few months.
Or I could approach this magically and say I’m writing a new story about my life. I like the magic part and I will integrate the planning stuff into this as well.
So, in the magic world, this woman, who goes by the name Laydie and other names, crosses over on this day. She didn’t think it was possible. Her life had been so bad for so long that peace and fulfillment had just become far out dreams never to be hers. But somehow, God had mercy on her. Fate had mercy on her. She must have done something good. Maybe it was the blessing of that albino boy that she was nice to years ago before she even knew that she was a pretty girl and folks expected her to be mean to people who looked a certain way… Maybe it was the hug she gave that teen many years ago when he was suffering… Maybe it was her helping her mean neighbor clear out the estate of his dead mom and not returning his meanness with meanness.
As stories generally have an instigation, I believe it was the awful, painful, mean, shitty year she had been through and her facing death every month. I believe it was the phone call she got where someone she loved finitely and had wanted approval from most of her life said “You are bad” that fed her quite the f*uck up. She finally realized that she’s just not that bad and this bullshit life was enough.
Life forced her to process her pain. And she did. She felt it. She cried. She writhed. She yelled. She prayed. She begged. And finally, she surrendered.
And this is where we find her in the story. Surrendered. With three people in her apartment using her apartment just the way she intended – one in the room, one in the dining room, and her in her makeshift living room office – all doing their own work, she recognized a miracle as it happened.
She had prayed for this. She had intended this. It was manifesting. The energy was good. And three people who had been starving for mutual good will, community and productivity… and might I mention Love, ease and a bit of spice, were experiencing.
The girl, me – the woman who kept calling herself a girl but in this moment decided to call herself girl no more and identify as woman goddess – The woman goddess Laydie chose to know the way to accept miracles. The woman goddess Laydie chose to live a miracle now. I chose to live a miracle now.
This is the part of my life where things turn around. I triumph. I am triumphing. I am no longer facing the world. Who is the world? People just like me. I have a say in how it goes. So the world now faces me, too. My will. My energy. My power is restored. And I use it for my own benefit, for I know that my own benefit inevitably benefits millions – yes, I said millions – of people.
What does it look like in a very mundane way? How does a miracle manifest day to day? For me, I complete my clean-up today. Did I mention that my apartment is clean and organized and people call it beautiful when they visit? But there are few things to do. I follow-up on a phone call to check if lead is in my apartment, which will ensure I’m environmentally safe. I follow-up on a phone call to see about some rent things to make sure I have housing. I follow-up on a submission – is it today, God? Yes, it is today. I follow up on a submission of my work to someone who wants to read it. That is the miracle for today.
I speak with my men protectors and we make a plan.
The miracle is here. And this time, I receive it… Ameen.
Day 580
The Miracle (Use Your Words) (A New Story)
Last night was quite eventful. Several dreams. Don’t remember all of them, but remember one, of people betraying me. The people kept changing. An ex (in the dream he was my man) was disrespecting me and asking inappropriate questions to women close to me. When I told him to stop it, he then said he doesn’t think I like the women. Then the women acted like nothing was wrong with the whole situation. Finally, one of the women stood up for me. Asked everyone how they would feel if their man was asking their friends about inappropriate things period. What the heck was going on???? How would they feel if their friends had no issue with these inappropriate questions and in fact enjoyed them?
I don’t know how the dream ended. I woke up with a feeling of betrayal. The women in the dream were women I knew. We had all had real life situations where I had felt betrayed… One of them recently did some more stupid betrayal stuff. Sneakily tried to take something I needed from me… I guess I’m salty.
Last night, a neighbor banged on my door late at night. She lives under me. She and her boyfriend fight often and I often hear her crying and whining like a child. She’s been there over six months, but I don’t know her name. She doesn’t speak unless spoken to and barely says hi under her breath if I say hi to her. She’s skinny. Middle-aged. White. Last night I heard her “talk talk” for the first time and realized she has a foreign accent. Maybe French. Her boyfriend smokes. Has long hair. Plays racist music advocating for slavery on national holidays…
Last night was the first night in a little over two weeks that I was home alone. I had had a house guest who is temporarily spending the night elsewhere. I came home very tired earlier. I had gone and done some physical activity that my body wasn’t used to. When I came home, I was so tired that I felt inspired to take a salt bath and then fell straight asleep. I was emotional for some reason. My period is expected in the next few days and these days I get very emotional around my period time.
But also, a lot has happened in these past weeks. I am tired of so much nonsense happening.
Anyway, I woke up to the sound of someone banging on my door. Then, awake, I heard the person banging on the door of the neighbor across the hall. I generally don’t have a tight security regimen here. I have a lot of windows that have no curtains, I sometimes leave my back door open with only the gate locked. I have no curtains in my storage room and sometimes imagine a man squatting right at the outside of the storage room spying on me. I have a peep hole on my front door, but it’s really like a peep window. It’s an old fashioned door and it’s a small box that you can open to see who is at your front door.
So my neighbor banged on my door, but I didn’t open the small box, because the small box is big enough to stick a gun through or a tool to open the door from the outside in. Through the door, I asked “Who is it?” She said, in a French accent, “It’s your neighbor,” and said her name, which I don’t remember. Through the door, I asked her how could I help her. She hesitated to respond, but then asked me if I had a key to her boyfriend’s door and if I could open it for her. I didn’t and told her as much. Then I asked her if she had his number or wanted me to call. She said no and walked away.
When she left, I locked my utility room back doors that normally stay open. I locked the top bolt on my front door. I thought about getting curtains for all these open windows…. I checked my phone only to realize that my charger hadn’t been working and my phone was dead.
I didn’t know what time it was. I thought about getting a clock, but I was in between sleep-wake. I went to sleep.
Later, I heard my neighbor talking to another neighbor downstairs…
It’s 8:15a. My emotions and mind are all over the place and I woke up realizing that this here is a medicine for me. This blog. It helps me process things. I don’t know how people live life without it. I need it. I need to sit by myself sometimes, as long as it takes, and sort out my thoughts and sort out what’s happening in life and what I’m doing or not doing. I’ve been so busy doing doing these past few weeks and I’ve had so many people around that I haven’t really taken the time to sit down just as long as it takes and sort myself out until I feel stable.
So, how am I? I’m OK. A bit disembodied. Not aware of my own energy. Can I tell you something? I like my own energy? Can you believe it? I finally realize that I’m a good person. Not saying it to brag or be arrogant or even be judgy… It took me a long time to awaken. That’s what I want to talk about this morning.
Over last weekend, I went to a camp with some family members. Some of them were initially uncomfortable with the lodging and we were voting on whether to stay another night. I waived my vote because 1. there were four of us and I didn’t want us to have a deadlocked vote and 2. I had invited them to the camp so they could experience something that I had already experienced many times and I wanted the decision to stay or leave to be theirs…. They all wanted me to vote and one of them said they know what my vote would be based on my behavior. She said I wanted to stay and was totally convinced I wanted to stay. My mother also said she thought I wanted to stay for whatever reason… They were both wrong. I didn’t want to stay. I actually wanted to leave and go home and go to a park and finish reading a book I was reading, but I was willing to stay if they wanted to, because the trip was more for them than me…. I’m telling that story, though, because in that moment I realized that they have no clue about me and what motivates me. But they were so convinced that they did. And they were so wrong about everything. Maybe they were basing their speculations on a very old version of me that gave a rat’s poopoo about pleasing people.
It dawned on me that this very old version of me was only that. Someone who wanted to please others. Had no intention for herself. And that’s why people are so confused and feel so betrayed now when I dare structure my life around pleasing me first…
This new version of me? I don’t quite know where she’s going, but she’s not bout that martyr life or that partnerning with folks who don’t demonstrate an interest in her thriving through action life…
Chinedu! My phone is not working because the battery is dead and I told some people they could reach me through my computer WhatsApp if they needed and now they are calling. God help me. I don’t want to be reached at the moment. I take it as a sign, God, that you smote my phone this morning so that I could spend some much needed time processing my own thoughts and finishing up on some creative contributions before my head explodes. I will leave my phone and my communications smitten until I finish some things. I want to finish writing this blog, finish reading the book I’ve been reading, assess my progress this past month, and adjust/continue taking action so that I’m on track.
Can you believe it? For the first time in such a long time, I’m relatively on track with the things that matter to me. I know. I have a lot of open doors creatively. I’ve never had this before. Meetings with people, people saying they like my work… I have all the information I need in order to have a baby this month if I want… A willing baby daddy… Came out of nowhere…. Can you believe? And I have some potential cash flow coming through if I play my cards right. I have a friend again. My Bestie. He became my friend again. I don’t really know how it happened, but he was here for three weeks, scrubbing my walls, washing dishes, cooking for me, asking me how I’m doing… That’s the best part. He asks me how I’m doing. Like, for real. He notices when my voice trembles or when my energy is low. He asks me if I’ve completed the tasks that will move me from here to there. He asks me about what’s important to me and gives me tangible help to accomplish it… We had a really good time during his stay. We had a few disagreements, but we worked through them all. We said sorry to each other and meant it. We amended our behaviors. I really felt respected and Loved and cared for. I felt honored and I felt like someone was willing to be with me on my terms, not trying to bend, twist, convince, invalidate, push, pull, criticize me in order to have my presence…
And then I felt sad. Because what the heck is going on in our world? So many people in war, trying to force each other to be what we want them to be for us, even at their detriment, instead of just finding people who want to be what we want them to be…
I took a moment away from writing just now. Because I was feeling sad and resistant to finishing this blog entry. I didn’t quite know why a wave of deep sadness took me over and if I explained it to you, I’d be making something up. But I sat with myself and held myself. My body is bigger than it used to be, but I like this fuller me. I’ll lose the weight eventually, but for now, thick Laydie makes me feel soft and vulnerable. I like the experience of being soft and vulnerable. I like the experience of being taken care of.
The other day, I had a meeting with an acquaintance whom I’ve known for many years, but never quite spoke on personal basis…. I didn’t know what his agenda was before the meeting. We both happen to be taking the same online self-help course by coincidence and he said he wanted to talk about it. Our meeting ended up being a personal meeting about what’s going on in our lives. At the end, we both ended up crying… He hugged me – held me – and he said he wanted to be a part of my family. I didn’t understand. It was so deep. It wasn’t sexual. It wasn’t a man advancing on me. It was tender… I didn’t quite know how to receive it, but asked God to help me receive care without blocking it…
The next day, we were supposed to talk on the phone about our course stuff. I was supposed to share some content with him that he had missed. I didn’t realize it was going to happen, but I woke up to a disconnected phone because of nonpayment of bill. I didn’t have the money to pay and he asked me how much it was. I told him. He asked if he could support me with the bill pay. I let him. He ended up sending me four times the amount of the bill by surprise…
The day before, I had done something nice for him during our in-person meeting. I had had a prime parking spot and I gave it to him while I looked for another spot, since we were meeting at a place that I was familiar with and he wasn’t. It just felt like the right thing to do for me, but he was touched by the gesture. Said no one ever does things like that for him, but he always does it for others…
Later, when I asked him why he sent that extra money to me, he said it was from the Universe. Told me to stay strong and stay the course…
“Let go of everything that doesn’t serve you” is the message that’s been coming through. My Lover has been on my mind lately. I miss him so much. I ask myself what happened. What really happened? Like, not how do I feel, but what were the actual events that happened and what can I take responsibility for? I ain’t never loved nobody like that in my whole life, God, and I’m sad that it didn’t work out… I struggle to let go of the idea of being with him and open my heart to the possibility of being with someone else, but let go I must…
It’s time to end this blog and get on with the day. Almost 10a… One of the people from my dream last night just reached out to me and suggested we talk about our relationship. I said ok. The other day, another person from my dream reached out to offer me some help. I haven’t responded yet…. The energy feels like wanting. I’m sensitive to energy these days. Perhaps I have always been, but I’m respecting my sensitivity to energy these days. Sometimes a thing will happen. Someone tells you all the right words, they do all the right things, but still it doesn’t feel good. In fact, it feels worse than when you were doing something else. Although I would like to resolve my relationships with all these people and come to a place of completion, I never want to go back to the way things were….
I had to stop again and breathe. Panic attacking at the thought of getting entangled with so many people in the ways I was entangled. Never again. I had to breath and pray because this is our time. As My People would say “Your critical attention is needed in your life.” YOUR life. It’s yours. Understand this. Your life force is yours. It’s not anyone else’s. You don’t owe anyone anything. You owe it to yourself to live your destiny and live a life of fulfillment and to make choices that will lead you there. Sometimes things can be confusing. Something seems good but feels bad, or something seems bad but feels good. I was programmed, pushed down, even forced at times to trust others’ authority over my own. Most women are. But it’s not true. The truth is, you know what’s good for you. You’re just not used to trusting your knowing… But this time, you have to, understand? You have to believe yourself. You are responsible for your own safety… So even if you don’t know why, even if you can’t understand what’s going on, if someone’s presence makes you feel bad, ADDRESS IT. It’s real. Something real is happening. If you’ve been used to being invalidated, disrespected, not believed, or just made to feel like you are wrong through subtle systematic ways like people always double checking your statements or always criticizing or belittling your way of being, then you probably don’t know how to rely on yourself for stuff, but rely on your own knowing and trust your own ability to know what is good for you, you must…
This blog has been all over the place. Mostly, it has helped me to understand the source of discontent that I woke up with. There are people back in my life. I’ve been alone and safe for a while. And it’s been lonely, but it’s been safe. But now there are people back. They want things from me. I don’t particularly feel that they are interested in giving me the things I need or even if they are interested, they are not capable. But they are here, wanting attention. There are issues to be resolved, and I’d like to resolve them, too, but then what.
I want to follow through and complete the things on my list for once and have support completing them. I’d like to be surrounded by energy that feels good and be appreciated and honored as I am without constant mirco-aggressions attacking the nature of my being. I’m kind of sick of coming close to people who constantly abandon, betray, demonize, sabotage, steal from, dishonor, disrespect, don’t like me and compete with and lie to me. I think that story is pretty played out in my life and I can applaud my wonderful performance.
But now I’d like to be liked by the people I spend time with. I’d like to share smiles and joy with people who are interested in sharing smiles and joy with me. I’d like to be championed and be around people who smile and celebrate when I win instead of looking concerned and disoriented. So how now, God?
I asked my council of elders what to do (my imaginary council of elders in my imaginary imagination) and they were livid. They said to stay focused. Leave these folks alone. Every body is going through things. But everybody’s things aren’t your things to go through. Be a big girl now. Take care of yourself so that you’re strong enough to take care of others. God has opened the door for you to do his will. This is the lesson you have been trying to learn over and over again.
You’ve got to be ok with Loving yourself. I want you to hear this. It’s not about selfish stuff or doing your nails, etc. It’s about making choices that are good for you, even it means not giving others what they want from you. Understand this, please. The people who are good for you don’t want you to make choices that are bad for you. Let me say that again. The people who are good for you don’t want you to make choices that are bad for you. Understand? It means, for example, if you have been trying to be a writer for a decade and you have an amazing opportunity to turn in a writing thing but it’s hard for you to do… The people who are good for you will advise you and help you figure out how to do it. They will make you tea. They will leave you alone so you can focus. They will handle some responsibility for you so you can thrive. They will not ask you precisely at that moment to go and lead an exodus. They won’t pick that moment to dump on you and tell you how awful you are for not doing what they wanted from you. You understand? Your critical attention is needed. Those people who are asking you to do things that aren’t good for you at the moment? It doesn’t mean they don’t love and care for you at the moment. Don’t make it mean anything. They could be psych cases. Who knows. They could be going through things. They could just not be that smart or aware. They could be struggling to get their needs met. Who knows. They could be immature. But don’t give it too much energy.
This is the lesson, your life Lesson, Laydie. Stay the course. Break free from this old life finally by being ok with giving your critical attention to yourself and making choices that are good for you. F*ck everything else. Trust me. There are so many people who will be Blessed by your life when you live it to the fullest. So many already are…. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you.
I Love You.
xx
Day 579
Your Critical Attention Is Needed
You know you’ve reached the end of the road when you stop complaining. I was just thinking of some shady stuff someone who claimed to be a friend did… and I was gonna be all mad. And then, I don’t know what happened. I just wasn’t mad anymore…
It has come to this. I’m not mad anymore. I know you have no idea what I’m talking about.
It’s been a while. My emotions are all over the place, but I’ve been wanting to write for a while. I’ve been sick. For a long time. And as a result, a lot of my life structures have been falling apart. For a brief moment in time – it was so brief – I had everything I dreamed of. I had a Lover I was totally into, I had talks about a blossoming career that I had wanted all my life, I had vibrant health, I had money in the bank and life looked hopeful… And then everything fell apart so quickly.
First my health. Health and food always does it for me. If I don’t have either, I tend to lose everything else. So my health fell apart real bad and I was really scared for my life. There were many moments where I felt like I was dying. My mentor, My People, says I wasn’t dying, but that I had left my body and entered some sort of astral plane, but it sure felt like dying to me. Not that I would know. I’ve never died before that I can remember.
I was in a lot of pain, though, and my mind thought my life was going to end soon. It happened many times. About once a month for the past six months or so. Many doctors. Many tests. Much blood drawn and scans and fear. My mom wanted to come out to help me with stuff, but I thought the emotional cost for me would be greater than the benefit. So I’ve been mostly navigating these health things on my own. Other people offered to help. Same thing. Emotional cost high. Not that these people don’t love me or not that they aren’t helpful in so many ways. Just that we have so many unresolved issues and eventually a conversation will lead to them and then I’ll be a basket case for days.
I had a dream last night. My farm. Some people were overseas sharing rare imported fruits. They were speaking about how they wish those fruits grew in our country overseas. I secretly knew that they did. They grew on our farm… We were going to have a mighty harvest. We got security guards – kids. The little pre-teen boys who always protect me when I go to the farm. We equipped them with bows and arrows old fashioned style. Built treehouses for them. They shot intruders in the butts when they came. They loved the game. They loved to be wild protectors.
I woke up feeling good and clear minded for the first time in a long time. I believe I went to sleep shortly after speaking to my Best Friend last night. I think he told me he loved me… I know he told me that he wished that I got everything I wanted in life, even if I didn’t get it from the people who I wanted to get it from. In my over half a life time of knowing him, he has never wished me such a lovely wish. And he meant it. I felt it. And he also said he thinks I’m going to get through what I was going through. I told him that he’s never said that to me before, and he said that he’s never felt that before…. Still the lovely jerk that he’s always been. I’ve missed him. We separated for years and now we’ve started talking again… Things have changed. We are not so enmeshed. I can see where his thoughts end and mine begin… But I am glad to have my best friend again, asking me how I’m doing, being willing to get up and do the thing that’s really going to help me do the things that matter to me, covering me with protection. Being interested in my thriving and showing up for me… I feel seen.
So… everything went to shit. In the meantime, I’ve been figuratively planting seeds. I woke up on the heels of my fruit dream with the thought of a dead almost friend on mind and I woke up wanting to write this blog and title it “Cry. It’s Over”.
I’ve been crying for a long time and I titled this blog “How Not To Cry Every Day” and I get it. Crying every day sucks. I was crying every single day when I broke up with He Who Came Before, and me crying every day was what instigated this blog. I knew that one day I wouldn’t be crying every day and one day I would forget all the hard things that I went through and I wouldn’t be able to speak to the people who were going through things in the way that reaches them because I wouldn’t be going through things anymore and I wouldn’t be feeling those feelings anymore. So I wanted to document the things in real time and share how I was making it through in real time.
And guess what? I made it through. It’s over. That was the end goal, wasn’t it? The other day, I woke up with the idea “You are not you anymore. You just think you are”. I got the idea from a teaching from a group therapy program I was in last year, where we had to evaluate who were are now, versus who we think we are. I had grown, but I didn’t realize I had. I am a grown up and I’m not ruled by the unhealed traumas of my seventeen year-old self anymore. I’ve done a lot of work. I’ve done a whooooole lot of praying and healing and book reading and evaluating and therapy. And, yes, it’s so that I could write this blog, but the natural result of all of this was supposed to be so that I could get somewhere. To the other side of happy. And then what?
What would happen there? I’d have everything I dreamed of. And I’d be everything I dreamed of. Love. That’s what I really wanted. That’s what I’ve always wanted. To Love and be Loved as I am. To not be demonized and seen as evil by the people I love. To be helped when I needed it. To be championed when I did something good. And to be allowed to cry. To be allowed to be weak and/or make mistakes without being judged, hated and treated like my suffering is a betrayal to someone else. To be given a helping hand in ways that matter. To be held… At the time, I didn’t even dare to dream of the things that came beyond love, but now I think of them. I won’t share them here, but I’ll ask the question.
What would happen if I was Loved? You want to hear something interesting? All this love I had been wanting? I never gave it to myself. I never gave it to anyone else at the level that I wanted it. Hypocrite, I know. I forgive myself. I didn’t know. I think I loved most people more than they were either willing or able to love me, but that’s just because I’m a deeply loving person. And everyone’s not. But I didn’t love most people at the level that I wanted because they did shit like hurt me and I withheld love in return…
But I don’t want to anymore. This is not where I thought this blog was going, but alas, truth. My heart has been broken for so, so long, and yes, it has been broken because of things that happened, but it has also been broken because of what has happened to me because of things that happened. I stopped loving.
I’ve been taking this course lately about mysticism. And in the course, the teacher calls different emotions that we experience energies or angels. And he spoke about the angel of grief and what it does to us. Sadness keeps us stuck. We had to think of all the good things that different emotions do for us and then give these emotions what he called “holy assignment”. And I’ve been looking at my grief lately. There has been so, so much of it. A lifetime of sadness. The good thing sadness can do, is that while it is keeping us stuck, it is giving us needed rest. Sadness can also inform us about the things that are important to us, our core values or needs, and I have been asking my sadness to show me the way to meet my needs. And it led me back to Love. Aligned love. My love starved heartbroken ass needed love. Needs love. Needs to give and receive it in very deep ways. But I had always been choosing to align with others who just couldn’t receive what I had to give or who just couldn’t or wouldn’t give me the kind of love I needed. My sadness, directed, told me to let go of wanting from others what they can’t or won’t give to you…. You’ve been doing to them what they’ve been doing to you. Resenting you because you can’t or won’t give them a thing they want from you. Just because you have a thing doesn’t mean you want to give it to everyone who wants to get it from you. So let it go. Let people choose to love you if they want and let them choose to withhold or be mad or feel whatever they feel and do whatever they want if they want…. Give others the freedom to be themselves and make their own choices just as you want the freedom to be yourself and make your own choices and don’t resent them for it…
I must tell you that as I’m writing this, my whole body is tensing up. There is a tingling feeling starting in my lower spine and fear wants to take me over. Fear because this is different than what I used to say. This is change. Are we safe? No, fear, we aren’t. My autonomic nervous system descends down the ladder to flight and freeze, a mix of dorsal and sympathetic. And I comfort it instead of beating it up. I will coax it up to ventral. Talk to it like a frightened child. Because I’m a grown up now and I’m no longer seventeen. What are you afraid of, dear? You are scared that if you think these thoughts, then they will lead you back to the world outside of this apartment and the world will hurt you. Like it did before. You are remembering all of the shakes and the heartbreak and the betrayal and the massive disappointment and the shame and the bumping of head over and over again. You are remembering being alone so many times and feeling so unloved and uncared for by people you trusted and hoped would care for you. You are remembering the lack of compassion and eyes of hatred looking at you. Yes, my baby. And the assholes will tell you you’re not a victim in the midst of your despair, but yes, my baby, you have been. Your hurt is valid. It’s not too much. You’re not too much. Or too little for that matter. I understand. Your hurt is valid. Your pain is not a nuisance or too much… Let me hold you for a moment and breathe with you while you cry. It’s OK. You can cry. You’ve been hurt. Don’t hold back your tears to appease others’ inability to take accountably. Cry yo ass out if it hurts. And I will hold you. It’s not OK for people to hurt you and hurt you and don’t care, my baby. If they do it to you, I won’t. I care.
So we will stop right now and acknowledge your tears. I can see that you feel hurt. You don’t have to be ashamed. You don’t have to blame anyone. You can even blame yourself. Maybe it’s your fault. But it’s OK. I still love you. Maybe it’s not your fault. It’s OK. You’re still lovable. People make mistakes and sometimes people do it on purpose. It’s OK. You’re still lovable. You make mistakes and sometimes you do things on purpose. It’s OK. I forgive you. I still love you, seventeen.
Let me breathe with you and then I will show you the way to come back to the world. We do it just like this. Me and you, seventeen. And eleven. And twenty-two. And yesterday. And all the pictures of unprocessed pain that have had us in so much discontent for so long. We come back to the world together. Integrated. Whole. Acknowledging and embracing all parts of ourselves and giving holy assignment to it all. Stopping to kiss and comfort ourselves when we feel afraid. Fear can be a psychic soothsayer, and so, fear, I thank you for alerting me that danger may be present in this world by banging my nerves with such pain as I think about re-entering and making my breathe stop in place. And now, I’d like to give you an assignment. Show me the way to be safe in the world.
My fear says that I should go and work out all this pain I have stored in my body. Do my mental exercises and my mystic practices. Apply all this stuff I’ve learned over the years like I’m doing now. It’s like I’ve been living with fuzzy view. Living in my traumas. And so I couldn’t see what’s really going on. Be willing. to see what’s really going on. You won’t like some of it. You’ll see that some people don’t necessarily like you or wish the best for you. It will hurt when you realize this, but it will put you in reality. And in reality, you can be safe. Because then you will know who to trust and for what, and then you will also know how to love and what can be expected to be received. And you will be able to seek places and spaces where you are loved in the ways you need and you will be able to give love without certain expectations that may disappoint you and you will also be able to find places and spaces where your love is received and appreciated and value for you is expressed. I know you’ve wanted this for so, so long.
So cry. Cry, baby. Crybaby? I’m with you. Cry, Love. Cry Love until you’ve cried out and sorted out all the things that have been keeping you from the love that is yours for the having. I woke up with this Truth and I want to share with you. Love is yours for the having. Give it to yourself, OK? In a real way. Give you what you need. If you’ve never done it before, it will feel strange at first. And most likely someone close to you will do or say something hurtful if you start giving you what you need. You gotta understand. If you had all the love you wanted already and if you had the kinds of relationships you wanted already, you wouldn’t be so sad. So, you’ve probably got some bullshit going on in your life already. And the bullshit might be you. And when you start going things to nourish yourself, others may call you names, like selfish or stupid or blah and blah. It will hurt. Let it hurt. And keep nourishing yourself.
Because you need it. One day you will wake up like I did today and realize that there is nothing wrong with drinking water when you are dehydrated. There is nothing wrong with demanding a bed to sleep on or a pot to piss in. There’s nothing wrong with taking time to put your feet on grass to stabilize your nervous system after your unstable nervous system has literally rendered you sick for years. And you don’t even have to make the people who didn’t understand or demonized you wrong. Let them have their perspective. It’s theirs.
You keep living. You keep fighting for your happiness and fulfillment. I know it seems like a never ending journey and sometimes you can’t figure nothing out. Keep going. Keep taking action on the things you are inspired to take action on. It’s worth it. Even if things don’t work out like you want, you will be proud of yourself and live with less guilt when you know you did what you thought you should do.
I gotta go now, Crybaby. Cry, baby. I Love you still. I Love you because you are crying and still showing up. Look at you, you sexy, feisty, crybaby lover tender warrior, looking for ways to soothe yourself and heal and make life better! I’m proud of you! I Love you, I Love you. I LOVE YOU.
Be Blessed.
xx
Laydie
Day 578
Cry, Baby (I Love You)
Y’all. I have so much on my mind and I’m a bit confused about how to move on this day, so I’m just gonna vomit everything out.
Everything has fallen apart and/or everything is falling apart. Someone Close To Me called me yesterday to advise me to get a surgery out of the blue with no idea of the implications. The potential implications are the removal of body parts that I need in order to do some of the things I want, and the doctors who have recommended the surgery and who would be doing the surgery are doctors who don’t even pay attention to what I tell them when I’m in their office, and who don’t do real exams, etc. So I don’t trust them with my surgery. My old doctor was a really good doctor. He was a healer. His specialist network just wasn’t very good, and I needed specialist care, and that’s why I left him… I struggle to pick up Someone’s calls, especially when I am feeling low… Sometimes I feel like I’d be dead if I listen to their advice, because they have little awareness about what’s important to me… It makes me mad, if I’m being honest. My sensing is that Someone wants me to get better so that I can get back entangled in all the relationships I used to be entangled in and help contribute to everyone’s situations… I’m not particularly interested. I disentangled myself on purpose. Too much was too much, but that’s another blog for another day…
I feel like I’m on my own in this world, and if I’m being honest, I’m angry about it. I feel like you dealt me some really bad cards, God, and it’s not fair. You made me a butterfly and put me in a den of monsters, and I didn’t even know monsters weren’t good for me. In fact, I thought they were my friends and so I gravitated towards them most of my life. And it took me a long, long time to realize I was a butterfly and that monsters weren’t good for me, and by the time I realized it, I was all beat up and bruised…
I know, my Someone loves me. I know, they help with things they can help with. They helped me with a huge money boost recently. And I’m grateful. They’re doing what they can… Most of the people from my past have all helped me with my life in some way at some point, and I’ve mostly helped them in some way at some point. We have an unspoken agreement to help each other survive no matter what. It’s the thriving part that gets us. So many subconscious things start happening with so many people once one or the other starts thriving. To me, it felt like people got angry when I started thriving. They wanted my energy for them and were used to having it, and they got mad and even incredulous when I started using my energy for me. What a notion. They started doing the most, abandoning, pulling focus, etc, and if you called them on it, they either disappeared or acted like they didn’t know what you were talking about. But then I’d talk to another mutual connection, who would say something like, “such and such told me they were jealous and that’s why they attacked you”…
That’s not what I came here to talk about this morning, but I guess that’s what’s on my mind for real. Heartbreak. Everything kind of hit the fan at once. Demon ex has a way of bringing all the bad things to the surface. He brought my heartbreak to the surface. He was extreme, just like the country he comes from. But he made me realize the nature of most of my relationships in subtle ways. No love. I’m talking about real love. Yes, the essence of love is there for so many people, but it never gets shared for real because there is so much in the way.
Unresolved issues that people lie nonstop about. Egos. Jealousies. Unresolved traumas. Insecurities. Competition. Cheating. Love dies at the feet of so much. People trying to plot and plan and get more than they want to give from someone. Manipulation. An unwillingness to accept accountability and just say, “sorry. I did this. Can I make it up to you?” I don’t think I’m that advanced, but I’m starting to think that maybe I am. Because these simple things seems so rare in the world. Honesty seems so rare… Wishing each other the best, to the level of thriving without competition, seems so rare.
Demon ex was up in my house trying to put spells on me, whilst I’m working my butt off cooking three times a day and driving DoorDash just so I can feed him. I don’t know if I’m going anywhere with this blog entry, but I’m gonna publish it nonetheless. Y’all. I’m not being metaphorical. He was trying to put actual spells on me.
I timed myself, and I have ten minutes more to write before I have to jump offline and focus on other things. I filed my nails and arched my eyebrows yesterday, and that makes me happy. Today I’ll go exercise and see I guy I almost dated. I didn’t date him because his breath stinks. But he’s nice. A psychologist who can at least be honest. He drives a convertible and opens doors and that makes me happy. Lol. And he doesn’t push up on me and respects boundaries, and that makes me happy, too.
We are going to a Hollywood event. It should be fun. I’m a bit anxious about it, but going to pretend like I’m not.
I was going to write this blog about how there’s so much swirling in my head and so much to do and how I don’t even know where to start or end. My body hurts. I want to go swim in the ocean. I have to pay rent or be evicted. I’m deep in the hole with debt. I don’t have a source of income besides driving door dash and sporadic background acting and I need to make thousands, yes, thousands with an s, of dollars within the next few weeks if I am to keep some major things from falling apart. My stupid ex won’t admit to bringing oils into my house, even though everything he touched smells like oils. I threw away the sheets he slept in because even after four washes, I couldn’t get the oil smell out. The couch smells like his oil. The bed smells like his oil. My car seat smells like his oil. He talking bout the smell is from some cookies he brought in the house.
A part of me wants to let it go, but there’s a part of me that wants to find a way to make him tell the truth, find a way to make him realize that it’s better to be honest than to be a monster. You know something funny? Most monsters don’t want to be identified as monsters. It’s strange. He knows he brought some oils into my house, either to do voodoo on me or to do voodoo on himself so he could be protected, have luck, etc. He knows he did it. It obvious that everything he touched was left with that deep, dank oil smell, and he himself will make you cough and make your eyes itchy red if you get too close to him because he’s so cloaked with oil smell. But he’s not proud of it. He won’t say, “yeah. I did that. Because I wanted to get A, B and C.” He’s gonna deny it till death do him part, unless he’s talking to his fellow monsters. I guess they have a code I just don’t understand.
My Demon ex made me think about my other ex, Lover. He, too, lies about stuff, but he’s different. I think. But I don’t know.
Let me close my eyes and know what I know. People tell me I am crazy. All the signs point this and that way. But somehow I don’t believe. Something in me chooses Lover all the time and misses him so much and something says he’s the one to build a life with… It doesn’t make much sense when I open my eyes. There are better men with lesser issues. But I Love him. That’s the truth. I Love him. As old as I am and as many men as I’ve dated and as broken as I’ve been, I never imagined that I could Love someone at the level I love this man. But I Love him more than I’ve Loved any man before. But God, does he Love me?
God says he will. He’s too young and hungry to love anyone for now… But he Loves you in his way. More than anyone before…
I started this blog because I was wondering what to do with this morning and what to do with this day. Well, the morning is gone. A WhatsApp text exchange from a former admirer distracted me from blog. Now I have to get dressed to go to Hollywood event. My WhatsApp admirer had reached out to me because he saw a pic on my profile of me and a man. The man is Lover. I posted his pic on purpose, so all these closet men who keep thinking they can get with me will know that I don’t want them. Men only believe they don’t have a chance with you if they see you with another man, so I posted a pic of me and Lover, because he’s the only man who could have a chance with me if he wanted.
I know it sounds crazy, but somehow he feels like the missing puzzle piece to my life. Where I get these fantastical ideas from, I don’t know. My Demon ex was not the missing piece. My body and eyes hurt in his presence. My Lover was the missing piece. I thrive in his presence. I am alive with him. I am hopeful and happy with him. Anything seems possible with him and nothing seems possible without him. Call it codependent. Call it what you want. It’s how I feel.
But now that he’s not here – I pushed him away – it just don’t feel right. Demon ex made it more clear than ever. That time is done. Fodder for vampires don’t fit me no more. That was my old life. I guess Lover could be a vampire if he wanted, but he’s not really. He has some sort of morals somehow, which I like about him. He won’t go too far.
God keeps telling me the same things and I keep not listening. Why don’t I just forget about what anybody says and do what I think is right? Get my ass ready. Live like my dreams are possible… I’ll do that.
Have a Blessed day.
xx
Day 577
Untitled
Hey y’all. I’ve been wanting to write for some time. Keep starting and ending. This time I will post no matter what comes out.
I’m here. Processing. Crying. Not crying deep and overwhelmed. But crying surface and sad. And done. God always shows me the truth about things, and I’m glad about that, but if I’m being honest, sometimes the truth is so bad that – I won’t say it… I’ll just say that it’s hard to digest…
I’ve had a visitor. My ex-boyfriend from overseas. We’ll call him the Demon. Not my most recent ex, but the one before him… I haven’t seen him in over a year. We broke up because everything and anything folks break up for… I haven’t seen him in over a year and I haven’t spoken to him in over six months. And then at the beginning of this month, he reached out to me and said he would be in my country. It would be his first time, and it’s hard for people from his country to get to my country… He was going to be in another state, but he asked if he could come and see me while he was here. Long story short, I agreed.
He was coming on a work trip and I helped him extend his return ticket so he’d have time to come see me and also have time to go to another event in the states. Made phone calls. Drafted emails. Researched stuff online. Advised him on how to communicate… Transferred money and eventually used my own debit card to send money so he could change his ticket… Before he traveled, on his first attempt to board, he got stopped at the airport overseas due to a passport issue and he called me and told me he wasn’t coming to the states. I advised him not to give up on himself, made phone calls for him and encouraged him to follow through… I hustled up money and sold things so that I could sponsor a ticket for him to come from the state he was flying into and back to my state…
I’m feeling really sad, y’all. Why do people always use me? Why do people always lie to me? Who am I that I am always manure for other people’s lives? I let them. I want to be nice to people. I want to help people. But they treat me with such disrespect and disregard in return. And they hate me. And they don’t want to see me thrive unless I am thriving by helping them. And I am mad at myself for being in this kind of bullshit situation all over again…
I said I was gonna finish this post. I want to run from it. Why? I just found out that what I had thought was happening with my ex actually wasn’t happening. Someone had told me that he has a lady back home. A mutual friend who is here in the states. So I was hurt that my stupid ex is still here trying to play me… And now the mutual friend just called me to tell me something else. He spoke wrongly. My ex doesn’t have a woman back home.
Does it matter? Yes and No. Is he still a liar? Yes, he is. And here I am giving a week’s worth of time, energy, money, food and help to someone who I know just can’t wish me well to save his life…. It is well…
I’ve procrastinated all day and almost wasn’t going to finish out this blog. But I’ll finish it, even if it doesn’t go anywhere. I’m taking a class lately that talks about thinking problems out to solution.
My heart hurts. My ex instigated a deep wound. And although I’m glad to be aware of this wound, this pattern, it doesn’t feel good. This pattern of me giving always to people who never had any interests of giving to me. This pattern of not being able to keep my gifts and use them for myself, but instead working over and extra time to use my gifts for others… This pattern of neglecting myself.
I’m over it. Yeah. I really am. Even though it feels bad. Even though I feel resistance. Even though I don’t know how or when or who, I’m over it. I’m not feeling all excited, but you don’t have to feel excited to make a choice. I’m over it. I’m ready to move on to a different kind of life…
I feel sad that things didn’t work out with my Lover. Really sad. I Loved him. Now here is another man visiting me wanting exactly what I wanted with my Lover, but I don’t want it with this man…
It seems like it was just yesterday. For the first time, I was sure all the way about someone. I was all the way sure that I wanted a life with my Lover. And it was so lovely and exciting… And now here’s this other dude… I’m not even gonna say anything bad about him. There is so much to say. But we just gonna let it be nothing. I will only say that I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I’ve been in some of the relationships that I’ve been in. Relationships that were never designed to feed me.
Even my Lover was like that. It wasn’t like that from the beginning, but it shifted when I got sick. I guess I shifted it, but he shifted it first. I got sick. And he didn’t show up for me. Just sent me a text message talking about he’s worried. I got mad. And I got tired of him just talking and talking with no action to back things up and I dumped him. And since then, he stopped being nice to me. I started leading the relationship. And it went from bad to good to bad to worse until I broke up with him… He started lying about everything and asking me for stuff when he should have been asking me how he could help me because I was sick and really needed help..
Where is this place where men Love you? Where is this place where one is taken care of? Where one is not cheated on, lied to, betrayed, face smooshed to the mud? I’ve heard that such a place exists, but I’ve hardly been to it.
“Take your power back”, a voice whispers to me. “Stop giving it away… Will you be your lesson learned at last?”
I guess I’ll have to learn at last. I’ve never wanted to do much on my own. I don’t like being alone. But there are worse things than loneliness. Being partnered in a blood sucking partnership that leaves you depleted and sad and confused and unappreciated and feeling low is worse than being alone…
My house smells like stinky oils because my ex is in here using oils for only he knows what and denying that he’s using oils… smh. I guess I’ll go ahead and follow through on the things that have been on my mind to do.
My car has been out of service for over a month, and it’s had me moored to my apartment. I got it fixed yesterday and now I can join the land of the living. I went to a spiritual retreat not too long ago and my intention after the retreat was to step into my fulfilled life when I got out.
When I got out of the retreat, instead of stepping into my fulfilled life, I turned my attention towards hosting my ol’ ex. But it’s all good. It’s only been a week. He reminds me of a place I used to be, a person I used to be. Surrounded by things that don’t bring life to me. Giving all my life to others and being so out of body that I didn’t even realize it. Not happy.
Can you believe it? In juxtaposition to being with ex, I realize that I have been happy. Can you believe it? I don’t know how it happened or even when it happened because I’ve been fighting death these past few months, but somewhere, somehow, in the midst of all of it, I’ve tasted happiness and joy!
A lot has happened in the past few weeks since I posted. I guess I’ll catch you up. I reconciled my relationship with one of my family members. It’s not perfect. We never talked about the things that broke us apart, and it was something that made me feel betrayed, etc, and lose trust… I’m sure she has her own hurts that she’s never told me about.
But in one of my “I think I’m dying” moments in these past months, I realized that although I care about what happened between us, I don’t care that much. Meaning, I Love her. I just do. Maybe she feels like everything she did and didn’t do was right. Maybe she feels like it was wrong but just isn’t ready or able to admit… I did my part and I’m ok with that. I was tired of feeling sad and mad and hurt. I am tired of feeling sad and mad and hurt. That doesn’t mean that anyone else will change anything else, but it does mean that I can change myself and let love in and let love out when I want to…
And I stopped writing again, but finally finishing. Someone else called me. A friend. A different vibe. Someone I like. We weren’t always like this with our friendship. In fact, we had a long time of non-trust. I went off on him one day and told him about himself. We stayed apart for a while, and then we hashed out our differences and he’s a good friend now… I guess trust can be built and sometimes it is…
Well, I don’t know what else to write about. There is always a whole lot to say. I made amends with my mom. Went out and saw her a couple weeks ago. Talked like we’ve never talked before. My brother told me sorry. “For all that stuff that happened”. It was a complicated situation, he said. I let him make it… It was a lot of stuff that happened.
Two friends reached out to me today, asking me to help them come out to America. I’m sure they heard about my big mouthed ex who is here in America with me. Actually, I’m sure one of them heard about my big-mouthed ex. The other one had been wanting to come to America through marriage to me. He re-opened the issue again. Both of them want to marry me. I don’t know if real or fake. I think they both like me for real and also they both want their American citizenship…
My ex just came in, but I’m going to finish writing this blog… Somehow I am lifted from the place I started. You don’t have to condemn yourself. That’s what I learned from the retreat I went to the other weekend. My ex smells like alcohol and spell oils… Lawdamercy.
You don’t have to condemn yourself if life seems to condemn you. You can say, I’m feeling really sad right now and I’m an awesome person and I’m a kind person and I’m a generous person and I’m a loving person and I’m a good person and I’m a beautiful person and I’m a radiant person and I’m feeling sad and I’m a wonderful person and I’m an intelligent person and I’m an intelligent person and I’m a loving person and I’m a good person. See how I tried to help an asshole live his dream? And I’m a visionary. Lol.
You can do things that make you feel better. What are your options? Really? I do believe that for once I’m not going to quit on myself. Even though I made a mistake. I’m going to give myself grace and allow myself to move forward. Even with my ex here. I had plans. I don’t have to bend them or change them because a man came around. And I don’t have to wait till a man comes around before I begin executing my plans.
I can start now. Finally. I don’t know if I’ve said this before. I don’t feel like I’ve said this before. I don’t need to wait for someone to give me completion. I can just say “this is over” and move on. I don’t need to wait for someone to give me permission to make money or be happy or any of that. I don’t have to be mad all the time. I don’t have to announce anything to anyone before I do it. Just declare that this is over.
This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. I don’t know if I’ve said this before or blog titled this before, but I’m saying it again and with more conviction this time…
This is over. This sad time is over. This victim time is over. This time without Love is over. This depleted time is over. This unfulfilled time is over. This time with no trust is over. This hurt time is over. It’s over.
I declare love over my life. Someone close to me cut ties because she thought I did something I never did. Story of my life… This is over. Open up your hands and let her go and don’t be bound by her opinion of you. Don’t try to fix it. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over.
A new day is here. Step into it and let it step into you. Love and fulfillment is its name. Let it be real now. Fantasies are over. Let it be real now. Time for being all sad and rotten and beat up and sick is over. Clean up. It’s over.
Love is here now. You just have to choose it. Even right right now. You just have to claim it. You just have to use your power now. You can do this. You have to do this, baby. Forget about how folks judge you. It’s over. Forget about how you judge yourself. It’s over. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done. It doesn’t matter what you haven’t done. It’s over. You don’t have to be sad anymore. It’s over. You don’t have to feel abused anymore. It’s over.
You deserve a good life, too. You understand? If everyone else deserves to be forgiven for all their heinous acts, you deserve forgiveness, too. What they taught you is a lie. This sad time is over. Over, over, over, over, over. It’s over.
Let it be so. Choose it so. You are here by the collective power of the entire universe and you are not just here to suffer. You are here to thrive…
Day 576
Over
I happen to life all the way. I happen to things all the way. Empowered…. Those are the thoughts on my mind today.
Good morning, y’all. It’s my birthday. I don’t have a bunch of stuff planned like last birthday. It’s 3:30am in Los Angeles and I am in my apartment sitting at a desk and chair that my brother gave me. A desk that was in the guest room he planned for me in his former apartment on the marina and a chair that he had gotten for himself for good back support. My brother loved me y’all. He probably still does. Go figure.
I just finished stretching for fifteen minutes, doing nonlinear movement whilst I listened to Teeks and Gotye. Did some child’s pose variations and shoulder stand variations and some movement that I learned in kundalini yoga that I can’t remember what it’s called now. And a few things on my mind. Completion. All the way. Love. With. I broke him down. My ex. Lover Lover. I’m not sorry. I know that sounds mean, but you know something? Haven gone through a recent breakdown of most of what I had come to rely on in life, I’m realizing that breaking down is not always a bad thing. Sometimes you need to dismantle the pile of shit that your life is founded upon so that you can build a foundation that is founded on what you really want your life to be founded on.
Lover Lover was full of so much shit. He may not want to build a new foundation, but I think he did.
In the midst of my shoulder stand variation this morning, a sob came out. I thought about what I want for my birthday, and all it is is someone to Love…. I do believe that’s all I’ve really wanted for a long time. Not just someone to Love, but someone who I can Love who will Love me back. All the way. Don’t get me wrong. People love me. My brother Loved me and I am sitting at his desk because of it. But so many hurtful things happened between me and my brother as well. He rendered me homeless via text message while I was away in a foreign country unaware that he was upset with me and never acknowledged it. He’s broken my heart various times…
I want to let it all go now. All of it. All these sad, sad things that have been ruling my world. I want it over now. There must be a time that we break through. There must be a time that we evolve. There must be a time that we move on. I know, many of us spend an entire life right here in the mud. Not judging. I’m getting pretty old and I’ve been in the mud for a long time. But I don’t want this to be the rest of my life. So, on this birthday, I make a declaration. It is the missing piece, after all. Me showing up for me. Me happening all the way for me. Me throwing my back into this life just for me.
No man to please or use all my life force energy to nurture and nourish. No family to approve of me. No friends that particularly have a pull on my awareness. There is just me with wounds and scars from a lifetime of trying this, that and the other, and also lessons, should I choose to see them.
I am thinking about what rituals I should do today as my morning practice. Should I pray the way my childhood religion taught? I’ve learned so many other things these past days and I do believe it’s time for me to choose my religion, or my path, as you will. My childhood religion is so boring and judgy, though. There’s no room for twerking in it and people feel entitled to treat you like a rabid dog on the street if they think you’re not practicing it according to how they think it should be practiced. I think I have a bit of resentment about it because of how we were raised. I felt resented and hated for so much because I did things and wanted things that were not aligned with what I was supposed to do and want according to my religion.
Do you know what I want to be? One of those people who know what to do and are able to do it. Instead of being one of those people who is always asking other people what to do about my own life and unable to take action for transformation.
Let’s know. Let’s be sovereign. Let’s be grown ups. Today today. With my big age. I like the concept of praying often. It feels good. I want a massage today, from some loving hands. Dang! Is there anyone I know with Loving hands that would squeeze these shoulders right? What I can commit to as a lifetime spirituality and grounding practice is to put my feet on Earth every blessed day whilst getting in touch with my Soul and the primary intention of my life. That’s for life. That’s what we can commit to for life – worst case scenario, sick day, traveling, heartache. For now, though, I am in recovery and so intense healing and medicine is needed to stabilize my life structures… I want to be complete by the end of this month. I want to finish my intensive healing, within a week, as intensive healing goes, and then get into life slowly after a week, as healing goes, and within a month, be in the groove of something new.
And here is where creative powers and integration come into play. Commit. Show up. Reach out. What exactly is needed to complete a whole healing in a week? The things I already told you, God says. I’ve got to get off this writing in a bit. Fear tries to creep in, but faith and power, we will speak to it and say, “This is over. It’s time to move on and become who we were made to be.” God says write things out step by step. Three things in a day. We can do this. Three things in a day is 21 things complete and six things in a day is 42 things complete. By seven days, after we finally learn to source support, we will average six to nine things in a day. Our first task is to reach out and get support. A new and vulnerable thing for us. Focus and discipline are the challenges. We have already done the hard, hard work of letting go of all these men from the past. Can you believe it? Men have ruled my life for so, so long. I love ’em. I’ve been looking for spaces and places to connect and compromising my values and my inner knowings just to not be alone.
But it doesn’t get me anywhere but in a relationship and alone… And so my Spirit says, Get you some money, honey. Keep completing things all the way and preparing. Get my body and my health right… It’s time. I don’t know all the details, but I gave myself an hour to write this blog and my hour is almost up. So I’ll be a writer like I am. It’s finally time to be an artist. I’ve never called myself that. I’m an artist. I’m the only who didn’t know it. I’m an artist and it’s time to be one. To do stuff in the world. I’ve been so afraid and I’ve had every reason in the world to continue incomplete – emotional breakdowns, physical breakdowns… Don’t get me started. Time to put in the work. Step one: Make a plan. Literally, like hourly day plan. Step two: work it.
Life and things cannot happen for me all the way if I will not happen for life and things all the way. So it’s time to put on my big girl panties and get on with it.
Y’all have a good day.
Bless you.
xx
Laydie
Day 575
I Happen to Things All The Way (Completion Completion)
Hey y’all. My mind is running wild. Constipated expression. A lot happens all the time and a lot has happened as usual. I want to check in before I get this day on the road. Maybe I’ll talk about what is so so that I can calm my nerves and get on with the day and you can, too.
What is so is that I’m sitting at a desk in my apartment in Los Angeles. I’m home alone. I have on a long black skirt, a cute red and cream shirt with open shoulders, and an orange overskirt because it’s cold and I don’t have my heater on. I just got done making and then drinking a smoothie – one apple, a piece of mango because some of the mango was rotten, coconut water, and half of a frozen banana. It was delicious and I drank it all down in one gulp. Then I listened to a voice note from a friend of mine who had called twenty minutes earlier. He had called to see if he could come by and give my car a jump, but I missed his call, and his voice note said that he was now going home and wouldn’t be available till the evening.
I put apple cider vinegar on my hair and skin today because I’ve been having scalp and skin issues that haven’t been cured by medicine and apple cider vinegar seems to make an impact. It stinks like stinky feet though. I smell like stinky feet. Lol. But I’m home alone, so I’m not offending anyone.
I feel sad. I’m not quite sure why. I could find a reason. The sadness is a tremor in my cheeks and a quivering of my lower lip, which juts out like a pout already. I believe I’m pouting my already pouty lower lip at the moment and my teeth are chattering.
What is present to me is that this day, if I take one more step, I will move forward, and I feel afraid to do as much because let’s face it, my life out in the world has been mostly painful for me.
I woke up this morning wondering how to find something to look forward to when there is nothing tangible to look forward to. And if you can’t see something tangible to look forward to, where do you get the momentum to try again, especially if the trying is particularly hard?
I had a boyfriend. I’m thinking about him right now. We broke up almost a month ago. I was in love with him. Can you believe I fell in love? After all this time, I am still capable of love. When he was around, I looked forward to a life with him…. I lived a dream, y’all. He was amazing. He’s a singer and music producer and I love his music. I love his vibe. He’s pure passion and joy. And wild, free masculinity. I got to be a video girl in one his music videos. He always leaned into me and held my hand when I was with him. I wasn’t with him long… What happened? He was also full of shit. We were full of shit. We couldn’t make it past the fantasy of being together. The real life part that consisted of people getting sick and showing up for each other when it’s not easy. The real life part of facing conflict. He lied a lot and so I didn’t know what to believe or not to believe about him. But I decided to believe what he did instead of what he said, and he didn’t do much for me that I didn’t initiate. Eventually he asked me to buy him something right after I told him I was sick and didn’t have much money because I haven’t been working recently, and that’s when I broke up with him…
Now that I think of it, I know several couples whose man asks the woman for money or support or whatever whilst she is sick or straining without thinking that the woman needs support. Maybe that’s the way of the world. I get it. I just couldn’t get into that dynamic. It’s bullshit…
I got distracted. Got a message about my farm overseas… The farm was my life’s work, but it broke my heart for so many reasons. The people I tried to help? Well? It was painful to learn people’s intentions, or lack thereof for me.
What is so is that my belly feels pain in it. I’m present to a lump in my throat and tears on my face. I was talking about my ex… It almost feels like a dream. I was in a bathing suit in a South American country, on a beach, walking, and then dancing with a handsome guy, and it felt like love. It felt like passion. It felt like mutuality… We played in the ocean together… It felt like something that I don’t know if I’ve ever experienced before. I was there and he was there at the same time. We wanted to be together at the same time, and we were together, and I had something to look forward to.
Life seemed possible and interesting. My apartment was cleaned in my mind, in preparation to host my sexy man. Babies were in my belly. My career was booming and his was, too. My farm was easy because all I really needed was one person who smiled at me when I came around instead of looking at me with downturned eyes or snapping, pushing, demanding, wanting things from me that I don’t want to give and being angry with me because I’m not giving it with every interaction.
I miss him to my core. My phone is ringing… Without a man, can I look forward to anything? Without someone to love, can I look forward to life? Can I participate in life? It seems rather lame without sex and without dancing and without smiles and without something to get into that feels alive. It feels rather lame to just pay bills, or even to say, “look at me! I did this, that and the other!” without anyone who really cares or is really happy for you.
And so, I can be here again, is what my inner voice says. I can be here forever if I like. Nicer people than me have done worse. I can look at this crossroads, because that is what I’m at all over again… I can look at this crossroads, and feel this sadness and feel this tingling in my body and not do the things to move me forward… Or I can not. I can look into all this sadness and disappointment and stop pretending I know what it all means. I don’t. It means a lot of things. It came from a lot of places.
This is what real faith is, y’all. It’s a mind trick. It’s even a body trick. Your memories will tell you not to jump. You’ve been hurt before. Your experience will say, “stay in the house. Don’t call this person. Don’t talk to that person. They will hurt you. They hurt you before.” Your emotions will say, “This will never work. Stop hoping for stuff because your hope only hurts you”…
Sorry I got distracted again. I’m gonna wrap up this blog. I went online and looked at videos of me and my ex. He has our vids posted on his social media. We look so very much in love. I’m losing it, y’all. I still love him very much. I don’t really want to do life without him. You’ve never heard me say this before because it’s never happened. I guess it happened with He Who Came Before, the guy who’s breakup instigated me crying every day and then instigated this blog. I didn’t want to not do life without him. But then when I was with him, it wasn’t good. It was painful. And when he wanted to get back together, I didn’t want to…
But my Lover Lover? It’s been almost a month. I still Love him. I still think of him every blessed day. I still go on his social media and spy on him. I still miss him. My mind says he doesn’t love me or he’s just trying to use me, or he’s a liar or a cheater and still my heart Loves him. I remember when someone I know was in an abusive relationship. It was time for her to leave and she said, “but I love him”, and I thought, “but he doesn’t love you”, but couldn’t tell her. Now I am telling myself. Did he love me? The videos look like he did… Did he just want what he could get from me? A passport and entry to the United States? His actions seem so.
I have to get offline. Life is literally calling. I put in a request for something online and I got it and it’s literally being delivered to me in the next few minutes. I have to make a choice about this man of mine. This ex of mine who holds me. What if he’s an ass, y’all, which he is? I can meet someone nicer and better. But I Love him. I’ll pray about him and take an action today. I think there is more to say to him. He won’t go away from my mind. It’s not complete yet.
In the meantime, I guess I was trying to get to a place where I can participate in life and be interested in it. I’m not really, but maybe the outside and build the inside. Meaning, maybe you can just get into life and do the things, like take your medicine literally and figuratively. Maybe you don’t have to feel good to do the things that are good for you and good for life. And maybe, like taking iron pills when you have low energy and don’t feel like taking your pills, after a while, you will get energy and be interested in life again. What else are you gonna do?
I’m gonna go ahead and do the things God said to do. Today, it is throwing away some side tables that stink, cleaning out a utility closet, scheduling a group call for farm team, and doing something that could get some money, and following up on a med appointment, setting an intention for my apartment, and finalizing things with my ex. I’m clear that those things need to be done. And going outside and also talking to a cousin… I gotta now, y’all.
When there is nothing to look forward to, when you don’t feel like it, when you’re sad and can’t lift your spirits, take action anyway. That’s what I needed to get to and hopefully it helped you, too.
I picked up some free fabric from a lady who delivered it to my door. I put out two stinky end tables that were stinking out my house. Next? I’ll take five minutes to remember who I am and then do three action items before I take a break. Stay Blessed, y’all.
Love,
Laydie
Day 574
Sad Things (Take Action Anyway)
This is a short one. It just came to mind and I wanted to share with you. “No more practicing on how to live life and be on the court. You are on the court now. Show time.”
I was writing in my journal, trying to get it all together, and then I started writing that I’m gonna practice loving me so I can prep for blah blah blah. But then I had to stop. And write this out loud to everyone. Haven’t you practiced enough? Haven’t you prepped enough? Have you learned nothing yet? Why not live now? Keep practicing, but you will get so much better at life by living it instead of conceptualizing, hiding, not participating.
Oh, it is scary, but this sorry life is sorry enough now. It’s enough now. I went to this conference not too long ago and they made the analogy of life being like a sports game. Some people stay on the sidelines and watch other people play, and others get on the court and play ball. And they get beat and bruised and win and lose and go up and down, but the ones who play ball play ball and they experience life in a different way than the spectators. No judgement on the spectators. Without them, the players would have no audience and no reason to play. Everyone has their place in this creation we are making. But what is your place?
What is mine? I have been out of place. I’m sure you’ve noticed. I have been pretending. Even pretending so much that I’ve pretending to my own mind, deep deep in the subconscious grooves. I’ve been pretending I am shy. Pretending I am a spectator. Pretending I am scared. Pretending I’m a follower. Pretending I can’t get out of this rut. Tricked my own self long ago and thought I had no power. Well, I didn’t do all the tricking by myself. There was programming and exposure and experiences and lack thereof. But I bought into the lie a long time ago. I bought into the lie that the programming and the exposure and the experiences that I had early on was all there was to it. You know, it’s not quite fair, I don’t think. We get the okey doke before we even learn to think for ourselves, and then we live a whole life thinking we are whoever we were taught we were when we were so little and we fight and attract and validate and recreate those compensatory identities and dynamics for most of our lives.
I’ve been pretending that I can do life on my own, with this journal and my thoughts and whatever else I’ve been doing to get by. But I can’t. I can’t do it anymore. In fact, I’ve been beyond sad. It’s not even depressed anymore. It’s just beyond sad. Something like heartbroken. Something like trapped. Something like dead. A very small insignificant thing, barely breathing due to a humungous heart not shared. Suffering from a huge Love deficit.
In fact, I have wanted to share so much with the world for so long – my voice, my love, my stories, my joy – and have been so frustrated, so disappointed, so angry with life because I just haven’t been able to do it. And I’ve been trying. Life has been knocking me out and punching me in the face every time I almost get there, it seems. And mostly it hasn’t seemed fair. And I’ve been complaining and whining about the unfairness to myself and to others and to God and still it only makes life hate me more.
This has been my inner experience, distinguished now. Clear. This morning, though, with all the inner chatter, I’m taking a stand. It won’t be like I did before, all active and loud. It is a quiet stand and maybe it will go slow, maybe it will go fast. Maybe at times it will be exhilarating… But it will be 100%, little by little. I’ve had enough of crying every day. For real for real. It may even mean I’ve had enough of this blog. We’ll see… Maybe I’ll change the title. I’m sure about that yet. I’m not interested in how not to cry every day anymore. It was needed when it was needed and it was needed for a long time. I just didn’t want to be hurting all the time.
But that is a reactionary intention. And like I said, it’s needed when it’s needed, It’s the process of healing, First you stabilize. First you get the patient to stop trembling. First you detox through so many methods. I’ve been saying to myself and others that I’m a healer all along, but I haven’t ever really taken it serious. You know, there are people out there doing retreats and leading classes and doctoring and taking healer stuff serious. I haven’t. I haven’t taken much of myself serious because I’ve been so busy trembling and crying and reacting to the big, bad wolves.
And God has been beating me down and beating me down trying to get me to learn this one lesson that has had me so fearful for so long. Pull the plug. Pull the plug on it all. Let it be over. You’ve been afraid for it to be over because this has been your life and you’ve been used to it and who will you be when it is over? You don’t even know and you’ve been so afraid of that. But what is it costing you? I’m talking to myself. Look at my shitty shit underactualized life. I mean, not to get too down on myself, but this will no longer do. This is so longer me.
I’ve gone through the healer’s training now, and honestly, I would not be qualified to help sick people had I never been sick. I spent the majority of my young adult life as healthy and as lucky they come, I never knew defeat. I never knew struggle. I never wanted any single thing that didn’t come to me luckily and magically. And I couldn’t even fathom the concept of pleasing myself while disappointing another or getting another’s disapproval. If you have never had to count to ten and use all your effort just to get out of bed and get some water… if you have never had to suspend belief in all appearances just so you could find a way to figure out how to pay some bills… if you have never had to do the last thing – see yourself drowning in the quicksand dirty mud with every name called against you and a foot on your head, and decide to get up, on your own instead of just sinking, then it will be hard for you to empathize with others who struggling with wanting to stay in life and get out on the court.
I have to stop writing, as the day has started and there is much to do. I already stopped my stream of consciousness and answered two calls to make arrangements to pay bills, made another call to resolve a work issue, responded to a message, and ignored two other calls. This is the quicksand I’ve been avoiding. Responsibility. Answering so many calls. Solving so many problems. Giving it a go one more time. But things don’t go away, you know.
You can ignore them, but they don’t go away. They just weigh you down as unfinished business… I lost track of where my thoughts were at the beginning of this blog. Refocus. I was excited because I was ready to get out of practice mode and get on with the living. Fear now once to stop me before the blog’s end and get me right back into conceptualizing and writing all these theories. And so fear, you and I will talk today. I understand why you are here. Many things have happened and we have been hurt so, so much by being in the world and being vulnerable to wolves. We’ve been eaten and beaten and beaten down and pushed around and neglected and abandoned and used and abused and cheated and vampires and not seen and judged so harshly and attacked and spit on if we complain to boot. And so, fear, I see that you have been trying to protect me from going through all that pain again, because it seems like every time I go into the world, I just can’t help it. Those are the types of relationships and dynamics I experience. And so, fear, you came in to protect me. So I don’t go all wide hearted and consort with flesh eating demons till they eat me and I die. I thank you, my darling fear. I needed you. I sure as heck was making so many choices that didn’t keep me safe, and you needed to pull me right out of the world so I could stop it and stop killing myself.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for keeping me safe for so long. I have been safe and I appreciate you so much for not letting me die. But I want more than safety and survival now, sweet fear. This won’t do anymore. It’s lonely here by myself, and thanks to you and the stability you’ve given me by keeping me away from the world, and giving me enough water, I feel my heart again. It has been broken, but it still has life in it. And it wants to Love. And it wants to be Loved more than anything in this world. And it just can’t do it by itself. I mean, that’s where we started. I was writing in my journal that I’m going to practice Loving myself. But why practice alone in an apartment? Why not Love myself for real? Now? Now now now now now. Now. Why not Love others for real? Now. Why not allow myself be Loved? Now. Accept it. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now.
Fear? There are others ways to be safe. Wisdom and discernment and self love and thinking about what’s good for me instead of trying to please others can help me from being so hurt in the world again. And making intentions about how I want to be and what I want to give can help tremendously. And power and light. Showing up as power and light can make the demons go away and protect us. It’s different. Different than anything I’ve ever done. I’m just tired of practicing now. So let’s get up and out as we are, let’s just live it. Put a new foundation. We know what we know. Instead of living from “life isn’t fair”, how about we be the magic healer woman that we are, and stop judging our power and our magic as bad or feeling guilty that we don’t give to whoever wants it on demand. Give it to ourselves and then give it to who we choose to give it to when we choose to give to whomever for whatever reason we want. Part of my magic is in my words, and so I use them… Forget about life being fair or unfair. That’s no longer a construct that guides me. Pull the plug on all distorted constructs and make a declaration. Like Abraham Hicks said, “I am a good person and I deserve a good life.” I expand. Others are good people and they deserve a good life. God is for me and not against me and he helps me have a good life. I am a good person. My good is received by the world. I declare. 100%. My good is received by the world and I am respected, loved, appreciated, honored, valued and treated with such care and tenderness by others… Jealously and judgement has no power over me. My foundation is love and reciprocity. I receive and value my whole self and treat myself with respect, love, appreciation, honor, care and tenderness… I look for the good in others and I receive and value other’s whole selves and treat them with respect, love, appreciation, honor, care and tenderness…
Y’all. Let me get off this blog today. Have a Blessed day.
Love,
Laydie
Day 572
Show Time
Good day. Happy New Year. Something very different happens here than when I write in my journal, when I talk to people, when I do any other kind of inner work. I process in a different way. It’s amazing. We are chameleons. We become different in different environments. We become different when we express ourselves in different ways…
What I want to do is close my eyes and type. And tell you that I am happy and at peace. It doesn’t look that way from the outside. In fact, from the outside perspective, my world fell apart recently. I got an unexpected health diagnosis and I don’t know how it will be resolved. Everything was going great, but not really. But really… Happy New Year.
I was thinking I’d do some introspection this morning. Go through a review of 2022 and make an intention for 2023. Surrender and Intend are on the mind. They sound like oxymorons. The one implies releasing control and the other implies controlling everything. In my Feminine Power course, I remember being introduced to the concept of co-creation. I am sure that this is the most important thing to understand right now. How to make a life. What are the foundational principles to take us out of victimhood at last?
So I wrote this mantra in my journal. “Things happen all the way for me.” In fact, I’m going to soak it in for fifteen minutes before I continue writing…
So. What happened is I tried to look in my life and find at least one place where things have happened all the way, and also find one place where I could complete things all the way today. It was challenging. I found things from the past. Once upon a time, I was a teacher all the way. Certified all the way. With a certified teaching job all the way. Even was voted Rookie Teacher of the Year all the way. And had a paycheck all the way. And no or low debt all the way. But that was a long time ago… It didn’t satisfy. So I thought about today. Is there anything in my life today that is an all the way manifestation of something I had wanted? Was there anything now that was complete? It didn’t happen in my meditation, but as I write, I am thinking of my hammock. It’s not a ten year all the way, but a two year wish that manifested all the way. I have a hammock. It eases pain in my back and help me relax. It is my best kept secret that’s not a secret. I feel like a kid when I think of it and I want to tell the whole world, “Ha ha! I got something nice for me. I deserve nice things, too. I can have nice things, too, just like you. Why not me?” It is a thing that happened to me all the way. My friend who put it together hung the hammock inside out. He does not care about things happening all the way, and I don’t blame or judge him. I was not in the consciousness of things happening all the way until two days ago, and my whole life has been an attestation to that.
So, this year, a year of almosts, a year of breakdowns, a year of near deaths, a year of intention, a year of fighting for my very Blessed life and peace of mind, a year of so much grief and sorrow, has led us here. The all the way place. Shall we do a quick review and set some intentions?
This year, I’d like to write my life like a story. An all the way story. Or a song. Or a poem. There are components to this, you know. You can start in any order, but the five story components in a screenplay (according to Jeffrey Gordon of Writer’s BootCamp), are the main character and their misbehavior (misbehavior is the unconscious behavior that keeps the character from getting what they want), the story adventure (what actually happens), the opponent (the person, place, thing that is in the way of the main character getting what they want), the dynamic (the main person, place or thing that the main character is interacting with and the nature of their relationship dynamic which inevitably shifts as the story progresses), and then there is the genre (the particular story conceits that fit into an agreed upon mode of storytelling). I’d like to add tone to this. When you edit a story, you get to the tone and little details on how the story goes.
I am rewriting the story of my life. A do over. Not an edit. There’s a difference between a rewrite and an edit. I will keep the content, but orient it differently. We are moving from a horror, tragedy, dark thriller, weird sci-fi script to a romance or a romantic comedy or a joyful action/adventure. Something different now. And I’m not going to make this hard and calculate everything. I think that is what is meant when you find the balance between surrender and intention, without trying to be so much in control of everything. I’m downright tired of trying to control everything. It doesn’t work. I’ve barely even been able to control anything of myself, much less how other people are or world events. But I can intend and be like a plant. Give myself what is needed to thrive and to become the plant I was meant to be. This pushing against the world is exhausting. I am sure there is another way to live.
So, back to where I started. All The Way. Things happen all the way for me. This year in Review. Shall we start at the end? December I got sick. I got invited to a miracle opportunity, got sponsored and everything, to go to a life changing conference in New York. It’s a high priced event, and an organization paid the bill for me. I just had to get there and find a place to lodge for five days. Do you know I am a master hustler? I’ve been living in LA and holding an apartment for eleven years, a feat in and of itself, but what’s more is that I haven’t had a full-time job in seven years, since I first got sick and disabled. In those seven years, I have learned how to hustle. Sell stuff. Get a subletter. Beg. Work a quick gig that’ll give at least $1000 in a few days. Hustle. There has never been a time that I’ve tried to hustle up a grand or more and haven’t been able to. But this December, it did not work. I did every blessed thing I always do – things that get me money in a day or less. Every time I’ve put my apartment on the market to sublet (my guaranteed plan B hustle), it has always rent for at least $1250 within twelve hours of posting it. But this time, nothing. Not a single subletter responded to my add. Couldn’t sell a single thing. Quick gigs didn’t come through at last minute. Begging didn’t work. Friends had no couches in New York to me and I just wasn’t willing to be some man’s snack in exchange for room. And I couldn’t come up with the money to get to New York and have a place to stay. And so I didn’t go to my amazing conference. Subsequently, I got really sick, but this time, it’s a sickness that’s not diagnosed yet, but could change my life forever. An amazing life changing film opportunity that I thought I was going to get didn’t come through, and so my new year plans were squashed. And there was a man I loved, but I think he stopped loving me. I pushed him away, actually. He lives far away and I threatened him and told him that I’d dump him if I don’t see him by a certain date. Told him I’d date someone near to me this year and not talk to him if I don’t see him by now. Told him to stop telling me he loves me he loves me and saying all this stuff unless/until he was ready to take action and told him to leave me alone. Yep. I said all that. I’m sure it broke his heart and broke his trust. ‘Cus how could I say all that to him. How I could I leave him just because he’s not doing what I want on my timeline? I apologized, but he’s not back with me. He doesn’t call me. Doesn’t say he loves me anymore. Doesn’t write me songs like he used to. Doesn’t answer when I ask if he still loves me. He invited me to see him finally, and I’m supposed to go, but there’s sadness between us now.
He could be a big fat player like Dream Lover was, just saying this and that and pulling back now because he realized I’m not falling for his games and his wife came in town. Or he could be a love bird with a broken heart because he realized the woman that he loves will dump and leave him at the slightest.
I can’t say I miss him particularly, but I did like him very much. Actually, I do miss the idea of him so much. He opened up my heart. But he was a fairytale. Something about him reminded me of Dream Lover, and it means that he was unavailable either because he’s boo’d up some how or because his consciousness is like mine was – he cannot hold a real thing. His love was a dream, and he is the mirror that made me think of my mantra this year. Dreams and reality. We have all these ideas, but they are away from us. Do you understand? They are out there. This idea of a dream lover has been out there. Just a dream. Not a goal. Not a possible reality for me. If I try to imagine me… me, actually loving someone and him loving me back at the same time, my mind gets a block. My breath hyperventilates. Even when I tried to imagine myself getting the amazing film opportunity that I ended up not getting, I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t hold the image in my mind without feeling like I was pushing against something that wasn’t for me.
And I’ve been here in this almost life striving and striving and striving for far too long. It feels scary to hope. It feels scary to imagine something different. Because I can manage this, you know. I have learned how to be OK with bags unpacked and a kitchen with dishes unwashed. I have learned to live without a bed ever fully made and clothes not quite hung up. I have managed broken toilet seats or toilet seats that don’t fit quite right and scripts completed, but without quite incorporating the changes I know I wanted to put. I have met amazing men and gotten used to them leaving or deceiving me. I can live through that. And my family? Well, I have mostly never felt the things I’ve wanted to feel – loved and accepted and supported to thrive in a deep way, where people are happy for me even if even if, and I’ve learned to live with that. Forgiven. I have felt so hated by them always. So resented. Throw friends in there, too. Not everyone, but most of the ones who have been in my story dynamic thus far.
There have been angels in my life, too. There are still angels in my life. But I digress. My point is, most of my life has been an almost dream come true, even down to my very apartment unwashed dishes, and I’d like to change that this year. It’s a huge task to undertake, and it will not be done without focus and intention and help. My survival mind wants to jump out and get busy making big ol’ plans about my new story and mapping out my life again, but we’ve done that before. We’ve had all these witty concepts and strategies and they didn’t work. Mostly they were avoidance mechanisms that left us with subpar work and results.
I have a Master’s in Film Producing, but I don’t feel confident in my film Producing skills. I’m a filmmaker, but most of my reel is not edited in a way that demonstrates my talent. I’m a writer, but nothing is published as of yet. I’m such a huge romantic lover, but there is no one in my life that I fully give my heart to and no one who gives his heart to me. And, I never used to identify as an artist, but I’m a free-spirited artistic type, but my home and all my things are not quite all the way right yet. My hair ain’t right. My body ain’t right. My skin ain’t right. My money ain’t right. My relationships ain’t right. Lol. I’m not saying this to get down on myself. I’m saying this so I can call a thing a thing and then get on with a thing. So shaking that energy off, my wise inner knowing says that the way forward is to put one step in front of the other with one thing at a time.
The way to completion is completion. So many doors open already. So much unfinished business now. No need to start a new plan. Yes, intend a new story, but more than a new story, intend a new tone and watch the story change. The adventure you are on now is a journey to actualize your life and live in alignment with Source and in integrity. You have all the tools you need and then some, and now it is time to use them. Your prescription to move out of an almost life and into a “things happen all the way for me” complete and aligned life is to move out of an almost life and into a “things happen all the way” complete and aligned life. How? Medicine three times a day until it becomes your life, and even after it becomes your life, medicine three times a day to sustain your life. And what do I mean by medicine? For now, meditation. Things happen all the way three times a day. Say it and see it. Soften your resistance. Allow it. Look for it. Acknowledge it. Bring it into your awareness that it is possible for you – yes you, for things to happen all the way.
It is possible that you could have a Master’s in Film Producing from the most prestigious film school in the world and actually produce films and have your films produced and make a lot of money from it and have good health insurance and people paying you per diem and giving you hotel rooms and fancy living to have fun making stuff. Go figure. Wasn’t that the plan if things happen all the way?
And it’s possible that you could have an organized house. Shoot, did I just say house???? Yes, I did. It’s possible that you could have a house. But let’s start with an apartment, since that is where we are now. It’s possible that your apartment could be a home. With a comfy couch and a dish set that actually has all the dishes and clean floors and enough towels and blankets. And two night stands and a headboard. An all the way bedroom. And you could have a toilet seat that fits your toilet. And bedsheets could be washed and smell fresh. Go figure.
And there could be a man. This one is hard for me to write. There could be a man that is your new family. And maybe even kids. And this family of yours, the family of your birth, could be secondary now. The become extended family because that is what happens when you grow up and things happen all the way. This is the third act of your story. In fact, the third act is over and you didn’t even realize. You passed the test. You lived through the individuation. Yes, broken up and beaten and sadder than ever before, but oh, so hopeful about life.
And this is what you needed. To all the way pull your life force away from everyone else and turn it towards you. I know that it sounds selfish, but don’t think about it too much. Selfless didn’t work for you, OK? They called you selfish anyway even as you gave blood and blood for their cause. Don’t think of it too much. If things happen all the way for you, then you will need all of you for these things to happen. Imagine if you could love yourself as much as you loved others. If you could be OK resting in a hammock sometimes. You’d be perfectly fine buying a hammock and giving it to someone else to comfort them and they’d be perfectly fine receiving it and even act like you owed it to them and be ungrateful about it. Could you owe it to yourself now? You need it, you know. You’re gonna need your gifts and your strength and your power to break through all this past patterning and these past beliefs.
So the prescription (it’s for me, but maybe you, too):
-three times a day, meditate on things happen all the way, and allow yourself to visualize these things you dreamed of and set goals around happening to you all the way. Take in the good of a clean kitchen. Let it be reality.
-One time a day, after meditation, journal about places in your life where things have happened all the way and give appreciation for them. You have a hammock. It is an all the way. You live in an apartment in LA. It is an all the way dream come true. See? You can do things all the way. Give your mind and body evidence of what is possible.
-And last but not least, every blessed day, complete something all the way. Don’t make this hard. Make it easy until it gets easier. Start with your house, script, and ten year-old “to-do” list because those have most energy for you. For example, I have a never ending list of things that need to be completed. Today, I will flip over my hammock to the correct position. And then I’ll have an organized piece of my house that happened all the way. This is how we build self trust. I’m not going to talk about my filming and my man and my family and my farm – it is so much to do – but my goal for this quarter in my life is to create the conditions for all these things to actualize. I’ve written lists upon list on how to actualize these in the past and didn’t fully follow through on any of them yet, but I believe that as I focus on completing the things in my apartment that I’ve been wanting to complete for years, and take daily small actions towards my other needs and goals and take my prescription medicine, my vibration will shift and sooner than later, I will see things manifested…
-put the energy of joy, love, enthusiasm and receptivity in everything you do. It is a practice you’re not used to, but you can get used to this.
Things happen all the way for me. I guess I’ll give the review of my year… So. I just wrote a monthly breakdown of my year, but it had a lot of personal things about personal people in my life. I deleted it because it paints them kind of bad. And yes, while they are mostly full of the most shitty shit, I don’t know who reads this blog and I don’t think they are quite ready to let the world know the wicked things they’ve done so they can redeem themselves. So this is an abridged version of year in review:
Jan – April – Overseas. Fell out with mom, brother, boyfriend and sister. Trust broken. Relationships separated. Hired new people for farm. Health started declining. Joined therapy group.
May – July – Came back to states. Asked for help with filmmaking career and started completing portfolio. Spent time with family. Went on a retreat for three weeks. Fell out with mom some more and fell out with a different sister. Got sick and thought I was going to die. Mission to get back to Cali.
August – September – Still down south with family. Different location. Scammed about a career opportunity. Started dating but getting tricked by these men left and right (not too tricked, though). Got sick again. Mission Cali.
October – November – Film stuff kicking off. People recruiting me for stuff. Someone said they loved my script and wanted to make it. Other things almost fell together but fell apart. Met amazing men. Living life like golden in the Hollywood world. Almost materializations. Nothing quite complete.
December – Another amazing opportunity for conference. Almost made it. Therapy group over. Almost made it to end retreat. Got sick again. This time scarier than ever.
What can we can conclude? 2022 was a year of falling apart. Dematerialization in preparation for new things. I’m OK with it now. It was, in fact, the best year in a long time even though it didn’t look that way. I discovered my misbehavior. And what is my misbehavior? Well, if you want to know yours, just look at how people treat you. The way people treat you is a reflection of what you think about yourself and what you think about others and life. People treat me like shit. They don’t appreciate anything I do for them – they don’t even see it. They support the most horrendous abuses on me and judge me like a rotten pig. They don’t consider my feelings when making decisions that impact me, mostly feel offended or drained if I ask them to do the most basic life saving things for me, and to top it all off, expect me to champion, hero and support them and carry all their loads, contribute to all their whatever, even to my detriment at all times with any amount of notice and won’t give me any credit or appreciate me – might even resent me for doing stuff and accuse me of ill intent – and want me to smile whilst it’s all happening and come back in their lives with no accountability for nothing ever.
So, why me? Is it because I’m such a bad person? Is it because I have faults that are any more unforgivable than my offenders’ faults? It is because I’m less worthy of compassion than your average Joe? I look at all the things and look at how I treat myself. Do I appreciate myself or recognize the things I do for others? Not really. I walk around like I ain’t shit and like I’m supposed to do everything I’ve done. No need to thank me or consider me or pay me for anything I do. I will carry your burden and forsake what’s good for me happily, to the point that you will forget that I live to do anything but serve you. I always judge myself harshly and it’s only this year that I started saying no to people who abuse me. I never thought my feelings were important. Would just do stuff as if my needs were too much. I was too sensitive or too picky or whatever, but other people weren’t. It would be too much for me to ask to have a bed in my own house, but OK for another person to ask for the same. Etc. etc. You get the point.
Another tool for change. It hasn’t happened all the way, but it’s happening slowly. As I learn to treat myself in the ways I want to be treated and I learn to treat others in the ways I want to be treated, I’m sure my life will shift.
I know I won’t change everything overnight. There’s so much to deal with. I’ll start with the three things on my prescription list: “Things happen all the way for me”, complete one thing at a time, appreciate and recognize the good, and fix my face and tone.
This has been a long read. A little raw and honest. A little bitter. A little healing. I’m a person, y’all. A bonafide, whole person. I know you’re probably judging me. It’s OK if you don’t like me. Haha! It’s ok if you don’t like me. I probably don’t like you, either. Haha! That feels so good to say. I’m finally OK with that. I Love you, though. And I love me anyway. And I hope you are well. I want for me what I want for everyone. A good life. Even to my haters and oppressors. A good life. I can’t do anything but love this year. My heart just won’t let me anymore. A good life, a good life, a good life. God Bless you everyone, and Happy 2023.
Love,
Laydie
Day 573
Completion Completion (Things Happen All The Way For Me)
hownottocryeveryday 