You know you’ve reached the end of the road when you stop complaining. I was just thinking of some shady stuff someone who claimed to be a friend did… and I was gonna be all mad. And then, I don’t know what happened. I just wasn’t mad anymore…
It has come to this. I’m not mad anymore. I know you have no idea what I’m talking about.
It’s been a while. My emotions are all over the place, but I’ve been wanting to write for a while. I’ve been sick. For a long time. And as a result, a lot of my life structures have been falling apart. For a brief moment in time – it was so brief – I had everything I dreamed of. I had a Lover I was totally into, I had talks about a blossoming career that I had wanted all my life, I had vibrant health, I had money in the bank and life looked hopeful… And then everything fell apart so quickly.
First my health. Health and food always does it for me. If I don’t have either, I tend to lose everything else. So my health fell apart real bad and I was really scared for my life. There were many moments where I felt like I was dying. My mentor, My People, says I wasn’t dying, but that I had left my body and entered some sort of astral plane, but it sure felt like dying to me. Not that I would know. I’ve never died before that I can remember.
I was in a lot of pain, though, and my mind thought my life was going to end soon. It happened many times. About once a month for the past six months or so. Many doctors. Many tests. Much blood drawn and scans and fear. My mom wanted to come out to help me with stuff, but I thought the emotional cost for me would be greater than the benefit. So I’ve been mostly navigating these health things on my own. Other people offered to help. Same thing. Emotional cost high. Not that these people don’t love me or not that they aren’t helpful in so many ways. Just that we have so many unresolved issues and eventually a conversation will lead to them and then I’ll be a basket case for days.
I had a dream last night. My farm. Some people were overseas sharing rare imported fruits. They were speaking about how they wish those fruits grew in our country overseas. I secretly knew that they did. They grew on our farm… We were going to have a mighty harvest. We got security guards – kids. The little pre-teen boys who always protect me when I go to the farm. We equipped them with bows and arrows old fashioned style. Built treehouses for them. They shot intruders in the butts when they came. They loved the game. They loved to be wild protectors.
I woke up feeling good and clear minded for the first time in a long time. I believe I went to sleep shortly after speaking to my Best Friend last night. I think he told me he loved me… I know he told me that he wished that I got everything I wanted in life, even if I didn’t get it from the people who I wanted to get it from. In my over half a life time of knowing him, he has never wished me such a lovely wish. And he meant it. I felt it. And he also said he thinks I’m going to get through what I was going through. I told him that he’s never said that to me before, and he said that he’s never felt that before…. Still the lovely jerk that he’s always been. I’ve missed him. We separated for years and now we’ve started talking again… Things have changed. We are not so enmeshed. I can see where his thoughts end and mine begin… But I am glad to have my best friend again, asking me how I’m doing, being willing to get up and do the thing that’s really going to help me do the things that matter to me, covering me with protection. Being interested in my thriving and showing up for me… I feel seen.
So… everything went to shit. In the meantime, I’ve been figuratively planting seeds. I woke up on the heels of my fruit dream with the thought of a dead almost friend on mind and I woke up wanting to write this blog and title it “Cry. It’s Over”.
I’ve been crying for a long time and I titled this blog “How Not To Cry Every Day” and I get it. Crying every day sucks. I was crying every single day when I broke up with He Who Came Before, and me crying every day was what instigated this blog. I knew that one day I wouldn’t be crying every day and one day I would forget all the hard things that I went through and I wouldn’t be able to speak to the people who were going through things in the way that reaches them because I wouldn’t be going through things anymore and I wouldn’t be feeling those feelings anymore. So I wanted to document the things in real time and share how I was making it through in real time.
And guess what? I made it through. It’s over. That was the end goal, wasn’t it? The other day, I woke up with the idea “You are not you anymore. You just think you are”. I got the idea from a teaching from a group therapy program I was in last year, where we had to evaluate who were are now, versus who we think we are. I had grown, but I didn’t realize I had. I am a grown up and I’m not ruled by the unhealed traumas of my seventeen year-old self anymore. I’ve done a lot of work. I’ve done a whooooole lot of praying and healing and book reading and evaluating and therapy. And, yes, it’s so that I could write this blog, but the natural result of all of this was supposed to be so that I could get somewhere. To the other side of happy. And then what?
What would happen there? I’d have everything I dreamed of. And I’d be everything I dreamed of. Love. That’s what I really wanted. That’s what I’ve always wanted. To Love and be Loved as I am. To not be demonized and seen as evil by the people I love. To be helped when I needed it. To be championed when I did something good. And to be allowed to cry. To be allowed to be weak and/or make mistakes without being judged, hated and treated like my suffering is a betrayal to someone else. To be given a helping hand in ways that matter. To be held… At the time, I didn’t even dare to dream of the things that came beyond love, but now I think of them. I won’t share them here, but I’ll ask the question.
What would happen if I was Loved? You want to hear something interesting? All this love I had been wanting? I never gave it to myself. I never gave it to anyone else at the level that I wanted it. Hypocrite, I know. I forgive myself. I didn’t know. I think I loved most people more than they were either willing or able to love me, but that’s just because I’m a deeply loving person. And everyone’s not. But I didn’t love most people at the level that I wanted because they did shit like hurt me and I withheld love in return…
But I don’t want to anymore. This is not where I thought this blog was going, but alas, truth. My heart has been broken for so, so long, and yes, it has been broken because of things that happened, but it has also been broken because of what has happened to me because of things that happened. I stopped loving.
I’ve been taking this course lately about mysticism. And in the course, the teacher calls different emotions that we experience energies or angels. And he spoke about the angel of grief and what it does to us. Sadness keeps us stuck. We had to think of all the good things that different emotions do for us and then give these emotions what he called “holy assignment”. And I’ve been looking at my grief lately. There has been so, so much of it. A lifetime of sadness. The good thing sadness can do, is that while it is keeping us stuck, it is giving us needed rest. Sadness can also inform us about the things that are important to us, our core values or needs, and I have been asking my sadness to show me the way to meet my needs. And it led me back to Love. Aligned love. My love starved heartbroken ass needed love. Needs love. Needs to give and receive it in very deep ways. But I had always been choosing to align with others who just couldn’t receive what I had to give or who just couldn’t or wouldn’t give me the kind of love I needed. My sadness, directed, told me to let go of wanting from others what they can’t or won’t give to you…. You’ve been doing to them what they’ve been doing to you. Resenting you because you can’t or won’t give them a thing they want from you. Just because you have a thing doesn’t mean you want to give it to everyone who wants to get it from you. So let it go. Let people choose to love you if they want and let them choose to withhold or be mad or feel whatever they feel and do whatever they want if they want…. Give others the freedom to be themselves and make their own choices just as you want the freedom to be yourself and make your own choices and don’t resent them for it…
I must tell you that as I’m writing this, my whole body is tensing up. There is a tingling feeling starting in my lower spine and fear wants to take me over. Fear because this is different than what I used to say. This is change. Are we safe? No, fear, we aren’t. My autonomic nervous system descends down the ladder to flight and freeze, a mix of dorsal and sympathetic. And I comfort it instead of beating it up. I will coax it up to ventral. Talk to it like a frightened child. Because I’m a grown up now and I’m no longer seventeen. What are you afraid of, dear? You are scared that if you think these thoughts, then they will lead you back to the world outside of this apartment and the world will hurt you. Like it did before. You are remembering all of the shakes and the heartbreak and the betrayal and the massive disappointment and the shame and the bumping of head over and over again. You are remembering being alone so many times and feeling so unloved and uncared for by people you trusted and hoped would care for you. You are remembering the lack of compassion and eyes of hatred looking at you. Yes, my baby. And the assholes will tell you you’re not a victim in the midst of your despair, but yes, my baby, you have been. Your hurt is valid. It’s not too much. You’re not too much. Or too little for that matter. I understand. Your hurt is valid. Your pain is not a nuisance or too much… Let me hold you for a moment and breathe with you while you cry. It’s OK. You can cry. You’ve been hurt. Don’t hold back your tears to appease others’ inability to take accountably. Cry yo ass out if it hurts. And I will hold you. It’s not OK for people to hurt you and hurt you and don’t care, my baby. If they do it to you, I won’t. I care.
So we will stop right now and acknowledge your tears. I can see that you feel hurt. You don’t have to be ashamed. You don’t have to blame anyone. You can even blame yourself. Maybe it’s your fault. But it’s OK. I still love you. Maybe it’s not your fault. It’s OK. You’re still lovable. People make mistakes and sometimes people do it on purpose. It’s OK. You’re still lovable. You make mistakes and sometimes you do things on purpose. It’s OK. I forgive you. I still love you, seventeen.
Let me breathe with you and then I will show you the way to come back to the world. We do it just like this. Me and you, seventeen. And eleven. And twenty-two. And yesterday. And all the pictures of unprocessed pain that have had us in so much discontent for so long. We come back to the world together. Integrated. Whole. Acknowledging and embracing all parts of ourselves and giving holy assignment to it all. Stopping to kiss and comfort ourselves when we feel afraid. Fear can be a psychic soothsayer, and so, fear, I thank you for alerting me that danger may be present in this world by banging my nerves with such pain as I think about re-entering and making my breathe stop in place. And now, I’d like to give you an assignment. Show me the way to be safe in the world.
My fear says that I should go and work out all this pain I have stored in my body. Do my mental exercises and my mystic practices. Apply all this stuff I’ve learned over the years like I’m doing now. It’s like I’ve been living with fuzzy view. Living in my traumas. And so I couldn’t see what’s really going on. Be willing. to see what’s really going on. You won’t like some of it. You’ll see that some people don’t necessarily like you or wish the best for you. It will hurt when you realize this, but it will put you in reality. And in reality, you can be safe. Because then you will know who to trust and for what, and then you will also know how to love and what can be expected to be received. And you will be able to seek places and spaces where you are loved in the ways you need and you will be able to give love without certain expectations that may disappoint you and you will also be able to find places and spaces where your love is received and appreciated and value for you is expressed. I know you’ve wanted this for so, so long.
So cry. Cry, baby. Crybaby? I’m with you. Cry, Love. Cry Love until you’ve cried out and sorted out all the things that have been keeping you from the love that is yours for the having. I woke up with this Truth and I want to share with you. Love is yours for the having. Give it to yourself, OK? In a real way. Give you what you need. If you’ve never done it before, it will feel strange at first. And most likely someone close to you will do or say something hurtful if you start giving you what you need. You gotta understand. If you had all the love you wanted already and if you had the kinds of relationships you wanted already, you wouldn’t be so sad. So, you’ve probably got some bullshit going on in your life already. And the bullshit might be you. And when you start going things to nourish yourself, others may call you names, like selfish or stupid or blah and blah. It will hurt. Let it hurt. And keep nourishing yourself.
Because you need it. One day you will wake up like I did today and realize that there is nothing wrong with drinking water when you are dehydrated. There is nothing wrong with demanding a bed to sleep on or a pot to piss in. There’s nothing wrong with taking time to put your feet on grass to stabilize your nervous system after your unstable nervous system has literally rendered you sick for years. And you don’t even have to make the people who didn’t understand or demonized you wrong. Let them have their perspective. It’s theirs.
You keep living. You keep fighting for your happiness and fulfillment. I know it seems like a never ending journey and sometimes you can’t figure nothing out. Keep going. Keep taking action on the things you are inspired to take action on. It’s worth it. Even if things don’t work out like you want, you will be proud of yourself and live with less guilt when you know you did what you thought you should do.
I gotta go now, Crybaby. Cry, baby. I Love you still. I Love you because you are crying and still showing up. Look at you, you sexy, feisty, crybaby lover tender warrior, looking for ways to soothe yourself and heal and make life better! I’m proud of you! I Love you, I Love you. I LOVE YOU.
Be Blessed.
xx
Laydie
Day 578
Cry, Baby (I Love You)
Y’all. I have so much on my mind and I’m a bit confused about how to move on this day, so I’m just gonna vomit everything out.
Everything has fallen apart and/or everything is falling apart. Someone Close To Me called me yesterday to advise me to get a surgery out of the blue with no idea of the implications. The potential implications are the removal of body parts that I need in order to do some of the things I want, and the doctors who have recommended the surgery and who would be doing the surgery are doctors who don’t even pay attention to what I tell them when I’m in their office, and who don’t do real exams, etc. So I don’t trust them with my surgery. My old doctor was a really good doctor. He was a healer. His specialist network just wasn’t very good, and I needed specialist care, and that’s why I left him… I struggle to pick up Someone’s calls, especially when I am feeling low… Sometimes I feel like I’d be dead if I listen to their advice, because they have little awareness about what’s important to me… It makes me mad, if I’m being honest. My sensing is that Someone wants me to get better so that I can get back entangled in all the relationships I used to be entangled in and help contribute to everyone’s situations… I’m not particularly interested. I disentangled myself on purpose. Too much was too much, but that’s another blog for another day…
I feel like I’m on my own in this world, and if I’m being honest, I’m angry about it. I feel like you dealt me some really bad cards, God, and it’s not fair. You made me a butterfly and put me in a den of monsters, and I didn’t even know monsters weren’t good for me. In fact, I thought they were my friends and so I gravitated towards them most of my life. And it took me a long, long time to realize I was a butterfly and that monsters weren’t good for me, and by the time I realized it, I was all beat up and bruised…
I know, my Someone loves me. I know, they help with things they can help with. They helped me with a huge money boost recently. And I’m grateful. They’re doing what they can… Most of the people from my past have all helped me with my life in some way at some point, and I’ve mostly helped them in some way at some point. We have an unspoken agreement to help each other survive no matter what. It’s the thriving part that gets us. So many subconscious things start happening with so many people once one or the other starts thriving. To me, it felt like people got angry when I started thriving. They wanted my energy for them and were used to having it, and they got mad and even incredulous when I started using my energy for me. What a notion. They started doing the most, abandoning, pulling focus, etc, and if you called them on it, they either disappeared or acted like they didn’t know what you were talking about. But then I’d talk to another mutual connection, who would say something like, “such and such told me they were jealous and that’s why they attacked you”…
That’s not what I came here to talk about this morning, but I guess that’s what’s on my mind for real. Heartbreak. Everything kind of hit the fan at once. Demon ex has a way of bringing all the bad things to the surface. He brought my heartbreak to the surface. He was extreme, just like the country he comes from. But he made me realize the nature of most of my relationships in subtle ways. No love. I’m talking about real love. Yes, the essence of love is there for so many people, but it never gets shared for real because there is so much in the way.
Unresolved issues that people lie nonstop about. Egos. Jealousies. Unresolved traumas. Insecurities. Competition. Cheating. Love dies at the feet of so much. People trying to plot and plan and get more than they want to give from someone. Manipulation. An unwillingness to accept accountability and just say, “sorry. I did this. Can I make it up to you?” I don’t think I’m that advanced, but I’m starting to think that maybe I am. Because these simple things seems so rare in the world. Honesty seems so rare… Wishing each other the best, to the level of thriving without competition, seems so rare.
Demon ex was up in my house trying to put spells on me, whilst I’m working my butt off cooking three times a day and driving DoorDash just so I can feed him. I don’t know if I’m going anywhere with this blog entry, but I’m gonna publish it nonetheless. Y’all. I’m not being metaphorical. He was trying to put actual spells on me.
I timed myself, and I have ten minutes more to write before I have to jump offline and focus on other things. I filed my nails and arched my eyebrows yesterday, and that makes me happy. Today I’ll go exercise and see I guy I almost dated. I didn’t date him because his breath stinks. But he’s nice. A psychologist who can at least be honest. He drives a convertible and opens doors and that makes me happy. Lol. And he doesn’t push up on me and respects boundaries, and that makes me happy, too.
We are going to a Hollywood event. It should be fun. I’m a bit anxious about it, but going to pretend like I’m not.
I was going to write this blog about how there’s so much swirling in my head and so much to do and how I don’t even know where to start or end. My body hurts. I want to go swim in the ocean. I have to pay rent or be evicted. I’m deep in the hole with debt. I don’t have a source of income besides driving door dash and sporadic background acting and I need to make thousands, yes, thousands with an s, of dollars within the next few weeks if I am to keep some major things from falling apart. My stupid ex won’t admit to bringing oils into my house, even though everything he touched smells like oils. I threw away the sheets he slept in because even after four washes, I couldn’t get the oil smell out. The couch smells like his oil. The bed smells like his oil. My car seat smells like his oil. He talking bout the smell is from some cookies he brought in the house.
A part of me wants to let it go, but there’s a part of me that wants to find a way to make him tell the truth, find a way to make him realize that it’s better to be honest than to be a monster. You know something funny? Most monsters don’t want to be identified as monsters. It’s strange. He knows he brought some oils into my house, either to do voodoo on me or to do voodoo on himself so he could be protected, have luck, etc. He knows he did it. It obvious that everything he touched was left with that deep, dank oil smell, and he himself will make you cough and make your eyes itchy red if you get too close to him because he’s so cloaked with oil smell. But he’s not proud of it. He won’t say, “yeah. I did that. Because I wanted to get A, B and C.” He’s gonna deny it till death do him part, unless he’s talking to his fellow monsters. I guess they have a code I just don’t understand.
My Demon ex made me think about my other ex, Lover. He, too, lies about stuff, but he’s different. I think. But I don’t know.
Let me close my eyes and know what I know. People tell me I am crazy. All the signs point this and that way. But somehow I don’t believe. Something in me chooses Lover all the time and misses him so much and something says he’s the one to build a life with… It doesn’t make much sense when I open my eyes. There are better men with lesser issues. But I Love him. That’s the truth. I Love him. As old as I am and as many men as I’ve dated and as broken as I’ve been, I never imagined that I could Love someone at the level I love this man. But I Love him more than I’ve Loved any man before. But God, does he Love me?
God says he will. He’s too young and hungry to love anyone for now… But he Loves you in his way. More than anyone before…
I started this blog because I was wondering what to do with this morning and what to do with this day. Well, the morning is gone. A WhatsApp text exchange from a former admirer distracted me from blog. Now I have to get dressed to go to Hollywood event. My WhatsApp admirer had reached out to me because he saw a pic on my profile of me and a man. The man is Lover. I posted his pic on purpose, so all these closet men who keep thinking they can get with me will know that I don’t want them. Men only believe they don’t have a chance with you if they see you with another man, so I posted a pic of me and Lover, because he’s the only man who could have a chance with me if he wanted.
I know it sounds crazy, but somehow he feels like the missing puzzle piece to my life. Where I get these fantastical ideas from, I don’t know. My Demon ex was not the missing piece. My body and eyes hurt in his presence. My Lover was the missing piece. I thrive in his presence. I am alive with him. I am hopeful and happy with him. Anything seems possible with him and nothing seems possible without him. Call it codependent. Call it what you want. It’s how I feel.
But now that he’s not here – I pushed him away – it just don’t feel right. Demon ex made it more clear than ever. That time is done. Fodder for vampires don’t fit me no more. That was my old life. I guess Lover could be a vampire if he wanted, but he’s not really. He has some sort of morals somehow, which I like about him. He won’t go too far.
God keeps telling me the same things and I keep not listening. Why don’t I just forget about what anybody says and do what I think is right? Get my ass ready. Live like my dreams are possible… I’ll do that.
Have a Blessed day.
xx
Day 577
Untitled
Hey y’all. I’ve been wanting to write for some time. Keep starting and ending. This time I will post no matter what comes out.
I’m here. Processing. Crying. Not crying deep and overwhelmed. But crying surface and sad. And done. God always shows me the truth about things, and I’m glad about that, but if I’m being honest, sometimes the truth is so bad that – I won’t say it… I’ll just say that it’s hard to digest…
I’ve had a visitor. My ex-boyfriend from overseas. We’ll call him the Demon. Not my most recent ex, but the one before him… I haven’t seen him in over a year. We broke up because everything and anything folks break up for… I haven’t seen him in over a year and I haven’t spoken to him in over six months. And then at the beginning of this month, he reached out to me and said he would be in my country. It would be his first time, and it’s hard for people from his country to get to my country… He was going to be in another state, but he asked if he could come and see me while he was here. Long story short, I agreed.
He was coming on a work trip and I helped him extend his return ticket so he’d have time to come see me and also have time to go to another event in the states. Made phone calls. Drafted emails. Researched stuff online. Advised him on how to communicate… Transferred money and eventually used my own debit card to send money so he could change his ticket… Before he traveled, on his first attempt to board, he got stopped at the airport overseas due to a passport issue and he called me and told me he wasn’t coming to the states. I advised him not to give up on himself, made phone calls for him and encouraged him to follow through… I hustled up money and sold things so that I could sponsor a ticket for him to come from the state he was flying into and back to my state…
I’m feeling really sad, y’all. Why do people always use me? Why do people always lie to me? Who am I that I am always manure for other people’s lives? I let them. I want to be nice to people. I want to help people. But they treat me with such disrespect and disregard in return. And they hate me. And they don’t want to see me thrive unless I am thriving by helping them. And I am mad at myself for being in this kind of bullshit situation all over again…
I said I was gonna finish this post. I want to run from it. Why? I just found out that what I had thought was happening with my ex actually wasn’t happening. Someone had told me that he has a lady back home. A mutual friend who is here in the states. So I was hurt that my stupid ex is still here trying to play me… And now the mutual friend just called me to tell me something else. He spoke wrongly. My ex doesn’t have a woman back home.
Does it matter? Yes and No. Is he still a liar? Yes, he is. And here I am giving a week’s worth of time, energy, money, food and help to someone who I know just can’t wish me well to save his life…. It is well…
I’ve procrastinated all day and almost wasn’t going to finish out this blog. But I’ll finish it, even if it doesn’t go anywhere. I’m taking a class lately that talks about thinking problems out to solution.
My heart hurts. My ex instigated a deep wound. And although I’m glad to be aware of this wound, this pattern, it doesn’t feel good. This pattern of me giving always to people who never had any interests of giving to me. This pattern of not being able to keep my gifts and use them for myself, but instead working over and extra time to use my gifts for others… This pattern of neglecting myself.
I’m over it. Yeah. I really am. Even though it feels bad. Even though I feel resistance. Even though I don’t know how or when or who, I’m over it. I’m not feeling all excited, but you don’t have to feel excited to make a choice. I’m over it. I’m ready to move on to a different kind of life…
I feel sad that things didn’t work out with my Lover. Really sad. I Loved him. Now here is another man visiting me wanting exactly what I wanted with my Lover, but I don’t want it with this man…
It seems like it was just yesterday. For the first time, I was sure all the way about someone. I was all the way sure that I wanted a life with my Lover. And it was so lovely and exciting… And now here’s this other dude… I’m not even gonna say anything bad about him. There is so much to say. But we just gonna let it be nothing. I will only say that I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I’ve been in some of the relationships that I’ve been in. Relationships that were never designed to feed me.
Even my Lover was like that. It wasn’t like that from the beginning, but it shifted when I got sick. I guess I shifted it, but he shifted it first. I got sick. And he didn’t show up for me. Just sent me a text message talking about he’s worried. I got mad. And I got tired of him just talking and talking with no action to back things up and I dumped him. And since then, he stopped being nice to me. I started leading the relationship. And it went from bad to good to bad to worse until I broke up with him… He started lying about everything and asking me for stuff when he should have been asking me how he could help me because I was sick and really needed help..
Where is this place where men Love you? Where is this place where one is taken care of? Where one is not cheated on, lied to, betrayed, face smooshed to the mud? I’ve heard that such a place exists, but I’ve hardly been to it.
“Take your power back”, a voice whispers to me. “Stop giving it away… Will you be your lesson learned at last?”
I guess I’ll have to learn at last. I’ve never wanted to do much on my own. I don’t like being alone. But there are worse things than loneliness. Being partnered in a blood sucking partnership that leaves you depleted and sad and confused and unappreciated and feeling low is worse than being alone…
My house smells like stinky oils because my ex is in here using oils for only he knows what and denying that he’s using oils… smh. I guess I’ll go ahead and follow through on the things that have been on my mind to do.
My car has been out of service for over a month, and it’s had me moored to my apartment. I got it fixed yesterday and now I can join the land of the living. I went to a spiritual retreat not too long ago and my intention after the retreat was to step into my fulfilled life when I got out.
When I got out of the retreat, instead of stepping into my fulfilled life, I turned my attention towards hosting my ol’ ex. But it’s all good. It’s only been a week. He reminds me of a place I used to be, a person I used to be. Surrounded by things that don’t bring life to me. Giving all my life to others and being so out of body that I didn’t even realize it. Not happy.
Can you believe it? In juxtaposition to being with ex, I realize that I have been happy. Can you believe it? I don’t know how it happened or even when it happened because I’ve been fighting death these past few months, but somewhere, somehow, in the midst of all of it, I’ve tasted happiness and joy!
A lot has happened in the past few weeks since I posted. I guess I’ll catch you up. I reconciled my relationship with one of my family members. It’s not perfect. We never talked about the things that broke us apart, and it was something that made me feel betrayed, etc, and lose trust… I’m sure she has her own hurts that she’s never told me about.
But in one of my “I think I’m dying” moments in these past months, I realized that although I care about what happened between us, I don’t care that much. Meaning, I Love her. I just do. Maybe she feels like everything she did and didn’t do was right. Maybe she feels like it was wrong but just isn’t ready or able to admit… I did my part and I’m ok with that. I was tired of feeling sad and mad and hurt. I am tired of feeling sad and mad and hurt. That doesn’t mean that anyone else will change anything else, but it does mean that I can change myself and let love in and let love out when I want to…
And I stopped writing again, but finally finishing. Someone else called me. A friend. A different vibe. Someone I like. We weren’t always like this with our friendship. In fact, we had a long time of non-trust. I went off on him one day and told him about himself. We stayed apart for a while, and then we hashed out our differences and he’s a good friend now… I guess trust can be built and sometimes it is…
Well, I don’t know what else to write about. There is always a whole lot to say. I made amends with my mom. Went out and saw her a couple weeks ago. Talked like we’ve never talked before. My brother told me sorry. “For all that stuff that happened”. It was a complicated situation, he said. I let him make it… It was a lot of stuff that happened.
Two friends reached out to me today, asking me to help them come out to America. I’m sure they heard about my big mouthed ex who is here in America with me. Actually, I’m sure one of them heard about my big-mouthed ex. The other one had been wanting to come to America through marriage to me. He re-opened the issue again. Both of them want to marry me. I don’t know if real or fake. I think they both like me for real and also they both want their American citizenship…
My ex just came in, but I’m going to finish writing this blog… Somehow I am lifted from the place I started. You don’t have to condemn yourself. That’s what I learned from the retreat I went to the other weekend. My ex smells like alcohol and spell oils… Lawdamercy.
You don’t have to condemn yourself if life seems to condemn you. You can say, I’m feeling really sad right now and I’m an awesome person and I’m a kind person and I’m a generous person and I’m a loving person and I’m a good person and I’m a beautiful person and I’m a radiant person and I’m feeling sad and I’m a wonderful person and I’m an intelligent person and I’m an intelligent person and I’m a loving person and I’m a good person. See how I tried to help an asshole live his dream? And I’m a visionary. Lol.
You can do things that make you feel better. What are your options? Really? I do believe that for once I’m not going to quit on myself. Even though I made a mistake. I’m going to give myself grace and allow myself to move forward. Even with my ex here. I had plans. I don’t have to bend them or change them because a man came around. And I don’t have to wait till a man comes around before I begin executing my plans.
I can start now. Finally. I don’t know if I’ve said this before. I don’t feel like I’ve said this before. I don’t need to wait for someone to give me completion. I can just say “this is over” and move on. I don’t need to wait for someone to give me permission to make money or be happy or any of that. I don’t have to be mad all the time. I don’t have to announce anything to anyone before I do it. Just declare that this is over.
This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. I don’t know if I’ve said this before or blog titled this before, but I’m saying it again and with more conviction this time…
This is over. This sad time is over. This victim time is over. This time without Love is over. This depleted time is over. This unfulfilled time is over. This time with no trust is over. This hurt time is over. It’s over.
I declare love over my life. Someone close to me cut ties because she thought I did something I never did. Story of my life… This is over. Open up your hands and let her go and don’t be bound by her opinion of you. Don’t try to fix it. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over.
A new day is here. Step into it and let it step into you. Love and fulfillment is its name. Let it be real now. Fantasies are over. Let it be real now. Time for being all sad and rotten and beat up and sick is over. Clean up. It’s over.
Love is here now. You just have to choose it. Even right right now. You just have to claim it. You just have to use your power now. You can do this. You have to do this, baby. Forget about how folks judge you. It’s over. Forget about how you judge yourself. It’s over. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done. It doesn’t matter what you haven’t done. It’s over. You don’t have to be sad anymore. It’s over. You don’t have to feel abused anymore. It’s over.
You deserve a good life, too. You understand? If everyone else deserves to be forgiven for all their heinous acts, you deserve forgiveness, too. What they taught you is a lie. This sad time is over. Over, over, over, over, over. It’s over.
Let it be so. Choose it so. You are here by the collective power of the entire universe and you are not just here to suffer. You are here to thrive…
Day 576
Over
I happen to life all the way. I happen to things all the way. Empowered…. Those are the thoughts on my mind today.
Good morning, y’all. It’s my birthday. I don’t have a bunch of stuff planned like last birthday. It’s 3:30am in Los Angeles and I am in my apartment sitting at a desk and chair that my brother gave me. A desk that was in the guest room he planned for me in his former apartment on the marina and a chair that he had gotten for himself for good back support. My brother loved me y’all. He probably still does. Go figure.
I just finished stretching for fifteen minutes, doing nonlinear movement whilst I listened to Teeks and Gotye. Did some child’s pose variations and shoulder stand variations and some movement that I learned in kundalini yoga that I can’t remember what it’s called now. And a few things on my mind. Completion. All the way. Love. With. I broke him down. My ex. Lover Lover. I’m not sorry. I know that sounds mean, but you know something? Haven gone through a recent breakdown of most of what I had come to rely on in life, I’m realizing that breaking down is not always a bad thing. Sometimes you need to dismantle the pile of shit that your life is founded upon so that you can build a foundation that is founded on what you really want your life to be founded on.
Lover Lover was full of so much shit. He may not want to build a new foundation, but I think he did.
In the midst of my shoulder stand variation this morning, a sob came out. I thought about what I want for my birthday, and all it is is someone to Love…. I do believe that’s all I’ve really wanted for a long time. Not just someone to Love, but someone who I can Love who will Love me back. All the way. Don’t get me wrong. People love me. My brother Loved me and I am sitting at his desk because of it. But so many hurtful things happened between me and my brother as well. He rendered me homeless via text message while I was away in a foreign country unaware that he was upset with me and never acknowledged it. He’s broken my heart various times…
I want to let it all go now. All of it. All these sad, sad things that have been ruling my world. I want it over now. There must be a time that we break through. There must be a time that we evolve. There must be a time that we move on. I know, many of us spend an entire life right here in the mud. Not judging. I’m getting pretty old and I’ve been in the mud for a long time. But I don’t want this to be the rest of my life. So, on this birthday, I make a declaration. It is the missing piece, after all. Me showing up for me. Me happening all the way for me. Me throwing my back into this life just for me.
No man to please or use all my life force energy to nurture and nourish. No family to approve of me. No friends that particularly have a pull on my awareness. There is just me with wounds and scars from a lifetime of trying this, that and the other, and also lessons, should I choose to see them.
I am thinking about what rituals I should do today as my morning practice. Should I pray the way my childhood religion taught? I’ve learned so many other things these past days and I do believe it’s time for me to choose my religion, or my path, as you will. My childhood religion is so boring and judgy, though. There’s no room for twerking in it and people feel entitled to treat you like a rabid dog on the street if they think you’re not practicing it according to how they think it should be practiced. I think I have a bit of resentment about it because of how we were raised. I felt resented and hated for so much because I did things and wanted things that were not aligned with what I was supposed to do and want according to my religion.
Do you know what I want to be? One of those people who know what to do and are able to do it. Instead of being one of those people who is always asking other people what to do about my own life and unable to take action for transformation.
Let’s know. Let’s be sovereign. Let’s be grown ups. Today today. With my big age. I like the concept of praying often. It feels good. I want a massage today, from some loving hands. Dang! Is there anyone I know with Loving hands that would squeeze these shoulders right? What I can commit to as a lifetime spirituality and grounding practice is to put my feet on Earth every blessed day whilst getting in touch with my Soul and the primary intention of my life. That’s for life. That’s what we can commit to for life – worst case scenario, sick day, traveling, heartache. For now, though, I am in recovery and so intense healing and medicine is needed to stabilize my life structures… I want to be complete by the end of this month. I want to finish my intensive healing, within a week, as intensive healing goes, and then get into life slowly after a week, as healing goes, and within a month, be in the groove of something new.
And here is where creative powers and integration come into play. Commit. Show up. Reach out. What exactly is needed to complete a whole healing in a week? The things I already told you, God says. I’ve got to get off this writing in a bit. Fear tries to creep in, but faith and power, we will speak to it and say, “This is over. It’s time to move on and become who we were made to be.” God says write things out step by step. Three things in a day. We can do this. Three things in a day is 21 things complete and six things in a day is 42 things complete. By seven days, after we finally learn to source support, we will average six to nine things in a day. Our first task is to reach out and get support. A new and vulnerable thing for us. Focus and discipline are the challenges. We have already done the hard, hard work of letting go of all these men from the past. Can you believe it? Men have ruled my life for so, so long. I love ’em. I’ve been looking for spaces and places to connect and compromising my values and my inner knowings just to not be alone.
But it doesn’t get me anywhere but in a relationship and alone… And so my Spirit says, Get you some money, honey. Keep completing things all the way and preparing. Get my body and my health right… It’s time. I don’t know all the details, but I gave myself an hour to write this blog and my hour is almost up. So I’ll be a writer like I am. It’s finally time to be an artist. I’ve never called myself that. I’m an artist. I’m the only who didn’t know it. I’m an artist and it’s time to be one. To do stuff in the world. I’ve been so afraid and I’ve had every reason in the world to continue incomplete – emotional breakdowns, physical breakdowns… Don’t get me started. Time to put in the work. Step one: Make a plan. Literally, like hourly day plan. Step two: work it.
Life and things cannot happen for me all the way if I will not happen for life and things all the way. So it’s time to put on my big girl panties and get on with it.
Y’all have a good day.
Bless you.
xx
Laydie
Day 575
I Happen to Things All The Way (Completion Completion)
Hey y’all. My mind is running wild. Constipated expression. A lot happens all the time and a lot has happened as usual. I want to check in before I get this day on the road. Maybe I’ll talk about what is so so that I can calm my nerves and get on with the day and you can, too.
What is so is that I’m sitting at a desk in my apartment in Los Angeles. I’m home alone. I have on a long black skirt, a cute red and cream shirt with open shoulders, and an orange overskirt because it’s cold and I don’t have my heater on. I just got done making and then drinking a smoothie – one apple, a piece of mango because some of the mango was rotten, coconut water, and half of a frozen banana. It was delicious and I drank it all down in one gulp. Then I listened to a voice note from a friend of mine who had called twenty minutes earlier. He had called to see if he could come by and give my car a jump, but I missed his call, and his voice note said that he was now going home and wouldn’t be available till the evening.
I put apple cider vinegar on my hair and skin today because I’ve been having scalp and skin issues that haven’t been cured by medicine and apple cider vinegar seems to make an impact. It stinks like stinky feet though. I smell like stinky feet. Lol. But I’m home alone, so I’m not offending anyone.
I feel sad. I’m not quite sure why. I could find a reason. The sadness is a tremor in my cheeks and a quivering of my lower lip, which juts out like a pout already. I believe I’m pouting my already pouty lower lip at the moment and my teeth are chattering.
What is present to me is that this day, if I take one more step, I will move forward, and I feel afraid to do as much because let’s face it, my life out in the world has been mostly painful for me.
I woke up this morning wondering how to find something to look forward to when there is nothing tangible to look forward to. And if you can’t see something tangible to look forward to, where do you get the momentum to try again, especially if the trying is particularly hard?
I had a boyfriend. I’m thinking about him right now. We broke up almost a month ago. I was in love with him. Can you believe I fell in love? After all this time, I am still capable of love. When he was around, I looked forward to a life with him…. I lived a dream, y’all. He was amazing. He’s a singer and music producer and I love his music. I love his vibe. He’s pure passion and joy. And wild, free masculinity. I got to be a video girl in one his music videos. He always leaned into me and held my hand when I was with him. I wasn’t with him long… What happened? He was also full of shit. We were full of shit. We couldn’t make it past the fantasy of being together. The real life part that consisted of people getting sick and showing up for each other when it’s not easy. The real life part of facing conflict. He lied a lot and so I didn’t know what to believe or not to believe about him. But I decided to believe what he did instead of what he said, and he didn’t do much for me that I didn’t initiate. Eventually he asked me to buy him something right after I told him I was sick and didn’t have much money because I haven’t been working recently, and that’s when I broke up with him…
Now that I think of it, I know several couples whose man asks the woman for money or support or whatever whilst she is sick or straining without thinking that the woman needs support. Maybe that’s the way of the world. I get it. I just couldn’t get into that dynamic. It’s bullshit…
I got distracted. Got a message about my farm overseas… The farm was my life’s work, but it broke my heart for so many reasons. The people I tried to help? Well? It was painful to learn people’s intentions, or lack thereof for me.
What is so is that my belly feels pain in it. I’m present to a lump in my throat and tears on my face. I was talking about my ex… It almost feels like a dream. I was in a bathing suit in a South American country, on a beach, walking, and then dancing with a handsome guy, and it felt like love. It felt like passion. It felt like mutuality… We played in the ocean together… It felt like something that I don’t know if I’ve ever experienced before. I was there and he was there at the same time. We wanted to be together at the same time, and we were together, and I had something to look forward to.
Life seemed possible and interesting. My apartment was cleaned in my mind, in preparation to host my sexy man. Babies were in my belly. My career was booming and his was, too. My farm was easy because all I really needed was one person who smiled at me when I came around instead of looking at me with downturned eyes or snapping, pushing, demanding, wanting things from me that I don’t want to give and being angry with me because I’m not giving it with every interaction.
I miss him to my core. My phone is ringing… Without a man, can I look forward to anything? Without someone to love, can I look forward to life? Can I participate in life? It seems rather lame without sex and without dancing and without smiles and without something to get into that feels alive. It feels rather lame to just pay bills, or even to say, “look at me! I did this, that and the other!” without anyone who really cares or is really happy for you.
And so, I can be here again, is what my inner voice says. I can be here forever if I like. Nicer people than me have done worse. I can look at this crossroads, because that is what I’m at all over again… I can look at this crossroads, and feel this sadness and feel this tingling in my body and not do the things to move me forward… Or I can not. I can look into all this sadness and disappointment and stop pretending I know what it all means. I don’t. It means a lot of things. It came from a lot of places.
This is what real faith is, y’all. It’s a mind trick. It’s even a body trick. Your memories will tell you not to jump. You’ve been hurt before. Your experience will say, “stay in the house. Don’t call this person. Don’t talk to that person. They will hurt you. They hurt you before.” Your emotions will say, “This will never work. Stop hoping for stuff because your hope only hurts you”…
Sorry I got distracted again. I’m gonna wrap up this blog. I went online and looked at videos of me and my ex. He has our vids posted on his social media. We look so very much in love. I’m losing it, y’all. I still love him very much. I don’t really want to do life without him. You’ve never heard me say this before because it’s never happened. I guess it happened with He Who Came Before, the guy who’s breakup instigated me crying every day and then instigated this blog. I didn’t want to not do life without him. But then when I was with him, it wasn’t good. It was painful. And when he wanted to get back together, I didn’t want to…
But my Lover Lover? It’s been almost a month. I still Love him. I still think of him every blessed day. I still go on his social media and spy on him. I still miss him. My mind says he doesn’t love me or he’s just trying to use me, or he’s a liar or a cheater and still my heart Loves him. I remember when someone I know was in an abusive relationship. It was time for her to leave and she said, “but I love him”, and I thought, “but he doesn’t love you”, but couldn’t tell her. Now I am telling myself. Did he love me? The videos look like he did… Did he just want what he could get from me? A passport and entry to the United States? His actions seem so.
I have to get offline. Life is literally calling. I put in a request for something online and I got it and it’s literally being delivered to me in the next few minutes. I have to make a choice about this man of mine. This ex of mine who holds me. What if he’s an ass, y’all, which he is? I can meet someone nicer and better. But I Love him. I’ll pray about him and take an action today. I think there is more to say to him. He won’t go away from my mind. It’s not complete yet.
In the meantime, I guess I was trying to get to a place where I can participate in life and be interested in it. I’m not really, but maybe the outside and build the inside. Meaning, maybe you can just get into life and do the things, like take your medicine literally and figuratively. Maybe you don’t have to feel good to do the things that are good for you and good for life. And maybe, like taking iron pills when you have low energy and don’t feel like taking your pills, after a while, you will get energy and be interested in life again. What else are you gonna do?
I’m gonna go ahead and do the things God said to do. Today, it is throwing away some side tables that stink, cleaning out a utility closet, scheduling a group call for farm team, and doing something that could get some money, and following up on a med appointment, setting an intention for my apartment, and finalizing things with my ex. I’m clear that those things need to be done. And going outside and also talking to a cousin… I gotta now, y’all.
When there is nothing to look forward to, when you don’t feel like it, when you’re sad and can’t lift your spirits, take action anyway. That’s what I needed to get to and hopefully it helped you, too.
I picked up some free fabric from a lady who delivered it to my door. I put out two stinky end tables that were stinking out my house. Next? I’ll take five minutes to remember who I am and then do three action items before I take a break. Stay Blessed, y’all.
Love,
Laydie
Day 574
Sad Things (Take Action Anyway)
This is a short one. It just came to mind and I wanted to share with you. “No more practicing on how to live life and be on the court. You are on the court now. Show time.”
I was writing in my journal, trying to get it all together, and then I started writing that I’m gonna practice loving me so I can prep for blah blah blah. But then I had to stop. And write this out loud to everyone. Haven’t you practiced enough? Haven’t you prepped enough? Have you learned nothing yet? Why not live now? Keep practicing, but you will get so much better at life by living it instead of conceptualizing, hiding, not participating.
Oh, it is scary, but this sorry life is sorry enough now. It’s enough now. I went to this conference not too long ago and they made the analogy of life being like a sports game. Some people stay on the sidelines and watch other people play, and others get on the court and play ball. And they get beat and bruised and win and lose and go up and down, but the ones who play ball play ball and they experience life in a different way than the spectators. No judgement on the spectators. Without them, the players would have no audience and no reason to play. Everyone has their place in this creation we are making. But what is your place?
What is mine? I have been out of place. I’m sure you’ve noticed. I have been pretending. Even pretending so much that I’ve pretending to my own mind, deep deep in the subconscious grooves. I’ve been pretending I am shy. Pretending I am a spectator. Pretending I am scared. Pretending I’m a follower. Pretending I can’t get out of this rut. Tricked my own self long ago and thought I had no power. Well, I didn’t do all the tricking by myself. There was programming and exposure and experiences and lack thereof. But I bought into the lie a long time ago. I bought into the lie that the programming and the exposure and the experiences that I had early on was all there was to it. You know, it’s not quite fair, I don’t think. We get the okey doke before we even learn to think for ourselves, and then we live a whole life thinking we are whoever we were taught we were when we were so little and we fight and attract and validate and recreate those compensatory identities and dynamics for most of our lives.
I’ve been pretending that I can do life on my own, with this journal and my thoughts and whatever else I’ve been doing to get by. But I can’t. I can’t do it anymore. In fact, I’ve been beyond sad. It’s not even depressed anymore. It’s just beyond sad. Something like heartbroken. Something like trapped. Something like dead. A very small insignificant thing, barely breathing due to a humungous heart not shared. Suffering from a huge Love deficit.
In fact, I have wanted to share so much with the world for so long – my voice, my love, my stories, my joy – and have been so frustrated, so disappointed, so angry with life because I just haven’t been able to do it. And I’ve been trying. Life has been knocking me out and punching me in the face every time I almost get there, it seems. And mostly it hasn’t seemed fair. And I’ve been complaining and whining about the unfairness to myself and to others and to God and still it only makes life hate me more.
This has been my inner experience, distinguished now. Clear. This morning, though, with all the inner chatter, I’m taking a stand. It won’t be like I did before, all active and loud. It is a quiet stand and maybe it will go slow, maybe it will go fast. Maybe at times it will be exhilarating… But it will be 100%, little by little. I’ve had enough of crying every day. For real for real. It may even mean I’ve had enough of this blog. We’ll see… Maybe I’ll change the title. I’m sure about that yet. I’m not interested in how not to cry every day anymore. It was needed when it was needed and it was needed for a long time. I just didn’t want to be hurting all the time.
But that is a reactionary intention. And like I said, it’s needed when it’s needed, It’s the process of healing, First you stabilize. First you get the patient to stop trembling. First you detox through so many methods. I’ve been saying to myself and others that I’m a healer all along, but I haven’t ever really taken it serious. You know, there are people out there doing retreats and leading classes and doctoring and taking healer stuff serious. I haven’t. I haven’t taken much of myself serious because I’ve been so busy trembling and crying and reacting to the big, bad wolves.
And God has been beating me down and beating me down trying to get me to learn this one lesson that has had me so fearful for so long. Pull the plug. Pull the plug on it all. Let it be over. You’ve been afraid for it to be over because this has been your life and you’ve been used to it and who will you be when it is over? You don’t even know and you’ve been so afraid of that. But what is it costing you? I’m talking to myself. Look at my shitty shit underactualized life. I mean, not to get too down on myself, but this will no longer do. This is so longer me.
I’ve gone through the healer’s training now, and honestly, I would not be qualified to help sick people had I never been sick. I spent the majority of my young adult life as healthy and as lucky they come, I never knew defeat. I never knew struggle. I never wanted any single thing that didn’t come to me luckily and magically. And I couldn’t even fathom the concept of pleasing myself while disappointing another or getting another’s disapproval. If you have never had to count to ten and use all your effort just to get out of bed and get some water… if you have never had to suspend belief in all appearances just so you could find a way to figure out how to pay some bills… if you have never had to do the last thing – see yourself drowning in the quicksand dirty mud with every name called against you and a foot on your head, and decide to get up, on your own instead of just sinking, then it will be hard for you to empathize with others who struggling with wanting to stay in life and get out on the court.
I have to stop writing, as the day has started and there is much to do. I already stopped my stream of consciousness and answered two calls to make arrangements to pay bills, made another call to resolve a work issue, responded to a message, and ignored two other calls. This is the quicksand I’ve been avoiding. Responsibility. Answering so many calls. Solving so many problems. Giving it a go one more time. But things don’t go away, you know.
You can ignore them, but they don’t go away. They just weigh you down as unfinished business… I lost track of where my thoughts were at the beginning of this blog. Refocus. I was excited because I was ready to get out of practice mode and get on with the living. Fear now once to stop me before the blog’s end and get me right back into conceptualizing and writing all these theories. And so fear, you and I will talk today. I understand why you are here. Many things have happened and we have been hurt so, so much by being in the world and being vulnerable to wolves. We’ve been eaten and beaten and beaten down and pushed around and neglected and abandoned and used and abused and cheated and vampires and not seen and judged so harshly and attacked and spit on if we complain to boot. And so, fear, I see that you have been trying to protect me from going through all that pain again, because it seems like every time I go into the world, I just can’t help it. Those are the types of relationships and dynamics I experience. And so, fear, you came in to protect me. So I don’t go all wide hearted and consort with flesh eating demons till they eat me and I die. I thank you, my darling fear. I needed you. I sure as heck was making so many choices that didn’t keep me safe, and you needed to pull me right out of the world so I could stop it and stop killing myself.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for keeping me safe for so long. I have been safe and I appreciate you so much for not letting me die. But I want more than safety and survival now, sweet fear. This won’t do anymore. It’s lonely here by myself, and thanks to you and the stability you’ve given me by keeping me away from the world, and giving me enough water, I feel my heart again. It has been broken, but it still has life in it. And it wants to Love. And it wants to be Loved more than anything in this world. And it just can’t do it by itself. I mean, that’s where we started. I was writing in my journal that I’m going to practice Loving myself. But why practice alone in an apartment? Why not Love myself for real? Now? Now now now now now. Now. Why not Love others for real? Now. Why not allow myself be Loved? Now. Accept it. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now.
Fear? There are others ways to be safe. Wisdom and discernment and self love and thinking about what’s good for me instead of trying to please others can help me from being so hurt in the world again. And making intentions about how I want to be and what I want to give can help tremendously. And power and light. Showing up as power and light can make the demons go away and protect us. It’s different. Different than anything I’ve ever done. I’m just tired of practicing now. So let’s get up and out as we are, let’s just live it. Put a new foundation. We know what we know. Instead of living from “life isn’t fair”, how about we be the magic healer woman that we are, and stop judging our power and our magic as bad or feeling guilty that we don’t give to whoever wants it on demand. Give it to ourselves and then give it to who we choose to give it to when we choose to give to whomever for whatever reason we want. Part of my magic is in my words, and so I use them… Forget about life being fair or unfair. That’s no longer a construct that guides me. Pull the plug on all distorted constructs and make a declaration. Like Abraham Hicks said, “I am a good person and I deserve a good life.” I expand. Others are good people and they deserve a good life. God is for me and not against me and he helps me have a good life. I am a good person. My good is received by the world. I declare. 100%. My good is received by the world and I am respected, loved, appreciated, honored, valued and treated with such care and tenderness by others… Jealously and judgement has no power over me. My foundation is love and reciprocity. I receive and value my whole self and treat myself with respect, love, appreciation, honor, care and tenderness… I look for the good in others and I receive and value other’s whole selves and treat them with respect, love, appreciation, honor, care and tenderness…
Y’all. Let me get off this blog today. Have a Blessed day.
Love,
Laydie
Day 572
Show Time
Good day. Happy New Year. Something very different happens here than when I write in my journal, when I talk to people, when I do any other kind of inner work. I process in a different way. It’s amazing. We are chameleons. We become different in different environments. We become different when we express ourselves in different ways…
What I want to do is close my eyes and type. And tell you that I am happy and at peace. It doesn’t look that way from the outside. In fact, from the outside perspective, my world fell apart recently. I got an unexpected health diagnosis and I don’t know how it will be resolved. Everything was going great, but not really. But really… Happy New Year.
I was thinking I’d do some introspection this morning. Go through a review of 2022 and make an intention for 2023. Surrender and Intend are on the mind. They sound like oxymorons. The one implies releasing control and the other implies controlling everything. In my Feminine Power course, I remember being introduced to the concept of co-creation. I am sure that this is the most important thing to understand right now. How to make a life. What are the foundational principles to take us out of victimhood at last?
So I wrote this mantra in my journal. “Things happen all the way for me.” In fact, I’m going to soak it in for fifteen minutes before I continue writing…
So. What happened is I tried to look in my life and find at least one place where things have happened all the way, and also find one place where I could complete things all the way today. It was challenging. I found things from the past. Once upon a time, I was a teacher all the way. Certified all the way. With a certified teaching job all the way. Even was voted Rookie Teacher of the Year all the way. And had a paycheck all the way. And no or low debt all the way. But that was a long time ago… It didn’t satisfy. So I thought about today. Is there anything in my life today that is an all the way manifestation of something I had wanted? Was there anything now that was complete? It didn’t happen in my meditation, but as I write, I am thinking of my hammock. It’s not a ten year all the way, but a two year wish that manifested all the way. I have a hammock. It eases pain in my back and help me relax. It is my best kept secret that’s not a secret. I feel like a kid when I think of it and I want to tell the whole world, “Ha ha! I got something nice for me. I deserve nice things, too. I can have nice things, too, just like you. Why not me?” It is a thing that happened to me all the way. My friend who put it together hung the hammock inside out. He does not care about things happening all the way, and I don’t blame or judge him. I was not in the consciousness of things happening all the way until two days ago, and my whole life has been an attestation to that.
So, this year, a year of almosts, a year of breakdowns, a year of near deaths, a year of intention, a year of fighting for my very Blessed life and peace of mind, a year of so much grief and sorrow, has led us here. The all the way place. Shall we do a quick review and set some intentions?
This year, I’d like to write my life like a story. An all the way story. Or a song. Or a poem. There are components to this, you know. You can start in any order, but the five story components in a screenplay (according to Jeffrey Gordon of Writer’s BootCamp), are the main character and their misbehavior (misbehavior is the unconscious behavior that keeps the character from getting what they want), the story adventure (what actually happens), the opponent (the person, place, thing that is in the way of the main character getting what they want), the dynamic (the main person, place or thing that the main character is interacting with and the nature of their relationship dynamic which inevitably shifts as the story progresses), and then there is the genre (the particular story conceits that fit into an agreed upon mode of storytelling). I’d like to add tone to this. When you edit a story, you get to the tone and little details on how the story goes.
I am rewriting the story of my life. A do over. Not an edit. There’s a difference between a rewrite and an edit. I will keep the content, but orient it differently. We are moving from a horror, tragedy, dark thriller, weird sci-fi script to a romance or a romantic comedy or a joyful action/adventure. Something different now. And I’m not going to make this hard and calculate everything. I think that is what is meant when you find the balance between surrender and intention, without trying to be so much in control of everything. I’m downright tired of trying to control everything. It doesn’t work. I’ve barely even been able to control anything of myself, much less how other people are or world events. But I can intend and be like a plant. Give myself what is needed to thrive and to become the plant I was meant to be. This pushing against the world is exhausting. I am sure there is another way to live.
So, back to where I started. All The Way. Things happen all the way for me. This year in Review. Shall we start at the end? December I got sick. I got invited to a miracle opportunity, got sponsored and everything, to go to a life changing conference in New York. It’s a high priced event, and an organization paid the bill for me. I just had to get there and find a place to lodge for five days. Do you know I am a master hustler? I’ve been living in LA and holding an apartment for eleven years, a feat in and of itself, but what’s more is that I haven’t had a full-time job in seven years, since I first got sick and disabled. In those seven years, I have learned how to hustle. Sell stuff. Get a subletter. Beg. Work a quick gig that’ll give at least $1000 in a few days. Hustle. There has never been a time that I’ve tried to hustle up a grand or more and haven’t been able to. But this December, it did not work. I did every blessed thing I always do – things that get me money in a day or less. Every time I’ve put my apartment on the market to sublet (my guaranteed plan B hustle), it has always rent for at least $1250 within twelve hours of posting it. But this time, nothing. Not a single subletter responded to my add. Couldn’t sell a single thing. Quick gigs didn’t come through at last minute. Begging didn’t work. Friends had no couches in New York to me and I just wasn’t willing to be some man’s snack in exchange for room. And I couldn’t come up with the money to get to New York and have a place to stay. And so I didn’t go to my amazing conference. Subsequently, I got really sick, but this time, it’s a sickness that’s not diagnosed yet, but could change my life forever. An amazing life changing film opportunity that I thought I was going to get didn’t come through, and so my new year plans were squashed. And there was a man I loved, but I think he stopped loving me. I pushed him away, actually. He lives far away and I threatened him and told him that I’d dump him if I don’t see him by a certain date. Told him I’d date someone near to me this year and not talk to him if I don’t see him by now. Told him to stop telling me he loves me he loves me and saying all this stuff unless/until he was ready to take action and told him to leave me alone. Yep. I said all that. I’m sure it broke his heart and broke his trust. ‘Cus how could I say all that to him. How I could I leave him just because he’s not doing what I want on my timeline? I apologized, but he’s not back with me. He doesn’t call me. Doesn’t say he loves me anymore. Doesn’t write me songs like he used to. Doesn’t answer when I ask if he still loves me. He invited me to see him finally, and I’m supposed to go, but there’s sadness between us now.
He could be a big fat player like Dream Lover was, just saying this and that and pulling back now because he realized I’m not falling for his games and his wife came in town. Or he could be a love bird with a broken heart because he realized the woman that he loves will dump and leave him at the slightest.
I can’t say I miss him particularly, but I did like him very much. Actually, I do miss the idea of him so much. He opened up my heart. But he was a fairytale. Something about him reminded me of Dream Lover, and it means that he was unavailable either because he’s boo’d up some how or because his consciousness is like mine was – he cannot hold a real thing. His love was a dream, and he is the mirror that made me think of my mantra this year. Dreams and reality. We have all these ideas, but they are away from us. Do you understand? They are out there. This idea of a dream lover has been out there. Just a dream. Not a goal. Not a possible reality for me. If I try to imagine me… me, actually loving someone and him loving me back at the same time, my mind gets a block. My breath hyperventilates. Even when I tried to imagine myself getting the amazing film opportunity that I ended up not getting, I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t hold the image in my mind without feeling like I was pushing against something that wasn’t for me.
And I’ve been here in this almost life striving and striving and striving for far too long. It feels scary to hope. It feels scary to imagine something different. Because I can manage this, you know. I have learned how to be OK with bags unpacked and a kitchen with dishes unwashed. I have learned to live without a bed ever fully made and clothes not quite hung up. I have managed broken toilet seats or toilet seats that don’t fit quite right and scripts completed, but without quite incorporating the changes I know I wanted to put. I have met amazing men and gotten used to them leaving or deceiving me. I can live through that. And my family? Well, I have mostly never felt the things I’ve wanted to feel – loved and accepted and supported to thrive in a deep way, where people are happy for me even if even if, and I’ve learned to live with that. Forgiven. I have felt so hated by them always. So resented. Throw friends in there, too. Not everyone, but most of the ones who have been in my story dynamic thus far.
There have been angels in my life, too. There are still angels in my life. But I digress. My point is, most of my life has been an almost dream come true, even down to my very apartment unwashed dishes, and I’d like to change that this year. It’s a huge task to undertake, and it will not be done without focus and intention and help. My survival mind wants to jump out and get busy making big ol’ plans about my new story and mapping out my life again, but we’ve done that before. We’ve had all these witty concepts and strategies and they didn’t work. Mostly they were avoidance mechanisms that left us with subpar work and results.
I have a Master’s in Film Producing, but I don’t feel confident in my film Producing skills. I’m a filmmaker, but most of my reel is not edited in a way that demonstrates my talent. I’m a writer, but nothing is published as of yet. I’m such a huge romantic lover, but there is no one in my life that I fully give my heart to and no one who gives his heart to me. And, I never used to identify as an artist, but I’m a free-spirited artistic type, but my home and all my things are not quite all the way right yet. My hair ain’t right. My body ain’t right. My skin ain’t right. My money ain’t right. My relationships ain’t right. Lol. I’m not saying this to get down on myself. I’m saying this so I can call a thing a thing and then get on with a thing. So shaking that energy off, my wise inner knowing says that the way forward is to put one step in front of the other with one thing at a time.
The way to completion is completion. So many doors open already. So much unfinished business now. No need to start a new plan. Yes, intend a new story, but more than a new story, intend a new tone and watch the story change. The adventure you are on now is a journey to actualize your life and live in alignment with Source and in integrity. You have all the tools you need and then some, and now it is time to use them. Your prescription to move out of an almost life and into a “things happen all the way for me” complete and aligned life is to move out of an almost life and into a “things happen all the way” complete and aligned life. How? Medicine three times a day until it becomes your life, and even after it becomes your life, medicine three times a day to sustain your life. And what do I mean by medicine? For now, meditation. Things happen all the way three times a day. Say it and see it. Soften your resistance. Allow it. Look for it. Acknowledge it. Bring it into your awareness that it is possible for you – yes you, for things to happen all the way.
It is possible that you could have a Master’s in Film Producing from the most prestigious film school in the world and actually produce films and have your films produced and make a lot of money from it and have good health insurance and people paying you per diem and giving you hotel rooms and fancy living to have fun making stuff. Go figure. Wasn’t that the plan if things happen all the way?
And it’s possible that you could have an organized house. Shoot, did I just say house???? Yes, I did. It’s possible that you could have a house. But let’s start with an apartment, since that is where we are now. It’s possible that your apartment could be a home. With a comfy couch and a dish set that actually has all the dishes and clean floors and enough towels and blankets. And two night stands and a headboard. An all the way bedroom. And you could have a toilet seat that fits your toilet. And bedsheets could be washed and smell fresh. Go figure.
And there could be a man. This one is hard for me to write. There could be a man that is your new family. And maybe even kids. And this family of yours, the family of your birth, could be secondary now. The become extended family because that is what happens when you grow up and things happen all the way. This is the third act of your story. In fact, the third act is over and you didn’t even realize. You passed the test. You lived through the individuation. Yes, broken up and beaten and sadder than ever before, but oh, so hopeful about life.
And this is what you needed. To all the way pull your life force away from everyone else and turn it towards you. I know that it sounds selfish, but don’t think about it too much. Selfless didn’t work for you, OK? They called you selfish anyway even as you gave blood and blood for their cause. Don’t think of it too much. If things happen all the way for you, then you will need all of you for these things to happen. Imagine if you could love yourself as much as you loved others. If you could be OK resting in a hammock sometimes. You’d be perfectly fine buying a hammock and giving it to someone else to comfort them and they’d be perfectly fine receiving it and even act like you owed it to them and be ungrateful about it. Could you owe it to yourself now? You need it, you know. You’re gonna need your gifts and your strength and your power to break through all this past patterning and these past beliefs.
So the prescription (it’s for me, but maybe you, too):
-three times a day, meditate on things happen all the way, and allow yourself to visualize these things you dreamed of and set goals around happening to you all the way. Take in the good of a clean kitchen. Let it be reality.
-One time a day, after meditation, journal about places in your life where things have happened all the way and give appreciation for them. You have a hammock. It is an all the way. You live in an apartment in LA. It is an all the way dream come true. See? You can do things all the way. Give your mind and body evidence of what is possible.
-And last but not least, every blessed day, complete something all the way. Don’t make this hard. Make it easy until it gets easier. Start with your house, script, and ten year-old “to-do” list because those have most energy for you. For example, I have a never ending list of things that need to be completed. Today, I will flip over my hammock to the correct position. And then I’ll have an organized piece of my house that happened all the way. This is how we build self trust. I’m not going to talk about my filming and my man and my family and my farm – it is so much to do – but my goal for this quarter in my life is to create the conditions for all these things to actualize. I’ve written lists upon list on how to actualize these in the past and didn’t fully follow through on any of them yet, but I believe that as I focus on completing the things in my apartment that I’ve been wanting to complete for years, and take daily small actions towards my other needs and goals and take my prescription medicine, my vibration will shift and sooner than later, I will see things manifested…
-put the energy of joy, love, enthusiasm and receptivity in everything you do. It is a practice you’re not used to, but you can get used to this.
Things happen all the way for me. I guess I’ll give the review of my year… So. I just wrote a monthly breakdown of my year, but it had a lot of personal things about personal people in my life. I deleted it because it paints them kind of bad. And yes, while they are mostly full of the most shitty shit, I don’t know who reads this blog and I don’t think they are quite ready to let the world know the wicked things they’ve done so they can redeem themselves. So this is an abridged version of year in review:
Jan – April – Overseas. Fell out with mom, brother, boyfriend and sister. Trust broken. Relationships separated. Hired new people for farm. Health started declining. Joined therapy group.
May – July – Came back to states. Asked for help with filmmaking career and started completing portfolio. Spent time with family. Went on a retreat for three weeks. Fell out with mom some more and fell out with a different sister. Got sick and thought I was going to die. Mission to get back to Cali.
August – September – Still down south with family. Different location. Scammed about a career opportunity. Started dating but getting tricked by these men left and right (not too tricked, though). Got sick again. Mission Cali.
October – November – Film stuff kicking off. People recruiting me for stuff. Someone said they loved my script and wanted to make it. Other things almost fell together but fell apart. Met amazing men. Living life like golden in the Hollywood world. Almost materializations. Nothing quite complete.
December – Another amazing opportunity for conference. Almost made it. Therapy group over. Almost made it to end retreat. Got sick again. This time scarier than ever.
What can we can conclude? 2022 was a year of falling apart. Dematerialization in preparation for new things. I’m OK with it now. It was, in fact, the best year in a long time even though it didn’t look that way. I discovered my misbehavior. And what is my misbehavior? Well, if you want to know yours, just look at how people treat you. The way people treat you is a reflection of what you think about yourself and what you think about others and life. People treat me like shit. They don’t appreciate anything I do for them – they don’t even see it. They support the most horrendous abuses on me and judge me like a rotten pig. They don’t consider my feelings when making decisions that impact me, mostly feel offended or drained if I ask them to do the most basic life saving things for me, and to top it all off, expect me to champion, hero and support them and carry all their loads, contribute to all their whatever, even to my detriment at all times with any amount of notice and won’t give me any credit or appreciate me – might even resent me for doing stuff and accuse me of ill intent – and want me to smile whilst it’s all happening and come back in their lives with no accountability for nothing ever.
So, why me? Is it because I’m such a bad person? Is it because I have faults that are any more unforgivable than my offenders’ faults? It is because I’m less worthy of compassion than your average Joe? I look at all the things and look at how I treat myself. Do I appreciate myself or recognize the things I do for others? Not really. I walk around like I ain’t shit and like I’m supposed to do everything I’ve done. No need to thank me or consider me or pay me for anything I do. I will carry your burden and forsake what’s good for me happily, to the point that you will forget that I live to do anything but serve you. I always judge myself harshly and it’s only this year that I started saying no to people who abuse me. I never thought my feelings were important. Would just do stuff as if my needs were too much. I was too sensitive or too picky or whatever, but other people weren’t. It would be too much for me to ask to have a bed in my own house, but OK for another person to ask for the same. Etc. etc. You get the point.
Another tool for change. It hasn’t happened all the way, but it’s happening slowly. As I learn to treat myself in the ways I want to be treated and I learn to treat others in the ways I want to be treated, I’m sure my life will shift.
I know I won’t change everything overnight. There’s so much to deal with. I’ll start with the three things on my prescription list: “Things happen all the way for me”, complete one thing at a time, appreciate and recognize the good, and fix my face and tone.
This has been a long read. A little raw and honest. A little bitter. A little healing. I’m a person, y’all. A bonafide, whole person. I know you’re probably judging me. It’s OK if you don’t like me. Haha! It’s ok if you don’t like me. I probably don’t like you, either. Haha! That feels so good to say. I’m finally OK with that. I Love you, though. And I love me anyway. And I hope you are well. I want for me what I want for everyone. A good life. Even to my haters and oppressors. A good life. I can’t do anything but love this year. My heart just won’t let me anymore. A good life, a good life, a good life. God Bless you everyone, and Happy 2023.
Love,
Laydie
Day 573
Completion Completion (Things Happen All The Way For Me)
Debt. Completion. Support. Thriving. Anxiety. So many things on the mind. My entire body is acting a plumb fool with the tingles right now. I have an opportunity in front of me. A miracle. So many miracles these past two months. This one might be the biggest.
A stranger has offered to help me in ways that would make me thrive. But I need to come up with some money soon. Like today. I can’t tell you what the offer is, but it’s big. Like those stories you hear from celebrities. You know how, like, you hear a celebrity say some rich white person took them in when they were homeless and mentored them and introduced them to whoever who ultimately gave them their big break? This opportunity is comparable. I feel in my bones that it will change my life forever. But I have to get some money quick – like today – and I feel afraid, afraid, afraid of so much.
Guilt is on my mind. Guilt from my family. I always feel guilty when something good happens to me if it’s not happening for my family… Feel guilty for dumping a guy from my project recently. He lives to disrespect me, yet still, I feel guilty for not allowing him to stay around, because staying around makes him feel loved, happy and hopeful… His work is mediocre…
Feel guilty about a recent break-up with a friend. Real Housewives From Atlanta type stuff. Was working a project. Friend brought wife on project team. So there were four of us on team – me, friend, wife, and another person. We had a team meeting. The meeting was supposed to be about project strategy. My friend is the lead. I asked friend about strategy. He didn’t have one, but I didn’t realize in the moment that he was embarrassed about not having one. I didn’t realize that he doesn’t talk to his other team members like he and I talk. If he and I were talking alone, he’d say he doesn’t have a strategy, and then I’d say OK, let’s talk it through, and then we’d talk it through and come up with a strategy. But in a group of people, his wife included, he felt embarrassed about not having a strategy and I pressed the issue, like I would do on a one-on-one meet with him, until he got upset and got off the group call. In the moment, I didn’t understand why he was upset. Me and the two remaining group members continued the call. I asked them if I had done something wrong. Everyone said no. I explained to them what had transpired between me and friend before meeting. I assumed everyone knew because the one person was his wife and the other person was someone who had known friend longer than I had. We finished the call and I said I would talk to friend personally before we got on a new group meeting.
Then, a few days later, I got an email from friend’s wife. Friend was cc’d on it. She emailed me in a very accusatory tone telling me she wanted us all to meet before Thanksgiving so we can just enjoy the holiday with our families. I didn’t appreciate her tone. But more than that, I didn’t appreciate her emailing me instead of friend calling me. He has my number. We’ve worked together many times before and he’s called and texted me at all hours of the day many times before. And he is the one who abruptly got off of our group call without explanation. I thought about how to reply to the email, but I couldn’t think of a non ghetto way, so I just didn’t reply and the suggested meeting date passed.
Then my friend called me a few days ago. Had a big attitude. “Why didn’t I reply to wife’s email?” he asked. I told him I was waiting to hear from him. He said he doesn’t do business like that, and I said I don’t do business like that, either. Told him how I felt about him jumping off the phone and then sending wife to reconcile his issues like I did something to him, when all I’ve ever done is try and make sure his project succeeds. And as I’m writing this up, I’m thinking about support and have an answer to the issue I was struggling with. Why have I been so OK with putting my time, energy and life into wanting him to thrive, without a second thought, but I’m so resistant to having anyone support me in that way? That was my initial thought when starting to write this blog… Anyway, the story. I told friend how I felt unappreciated and then friend said I tried to embarrass him in front of his other friend by making it seem like he has no strategy and he’s not doing anything. I was blown away. That was never my intention and I had no idea he felt that way. I told him the only reason I’m on the project is because I’m his friend and I want him to succeed. He’s not paying me. No one in the world could pay me right now to be on their project because I have my own things I want to do. And so if I’m helping anyone with anything at all, it’s because I’m with them and I want them to win. But I’m making a sacrifice. I’m giving them my heart and my Life force to lift them and carry them into thriving, or help them out of something, and it hurts so bad when I feel like I’m giving so much and people don’t appreciate it or think I’m out to hurt or sabotage them.
It’s a painful pattern that’s happened in my life.
Friend said he had to call me back. He called back. We talked about the issue. Made apologies. Squashed it. Said we’d move forward on the project. Somewhere on the call, I said that his wife had sent me a passive-aggresive accusatory email which I found disrespectful. Wife (who is almost always on his calls on speaker phone although friend never announces her to be as much) said she wanted to address my statement about her email. She got on the phone and started talking crazy to me, telling me I tried to underhandedly embarrass friend and this is a business relationship and not a friendship and I think I’m doing friend favors… I told her she’s not paying me. Nobody is. But if they want to pay me the value of the services I’m offering, they can call it a business relationship. Otherwise, it looks like a friend doing favors to me. But that’s not the point. The point is, she was treating me like I’m not on their team. Like I have ill will for them. She spoke on how I never had to mention any of my other projects during our team meetings. I had mentioned one of my other projects because I had been getting opportunities on said projects and whilst getting opportunities, the people asked me if I had other projects and I spoke about my friend’s joint project in the context of those opportunities. Wife said I was going on a tirade about my opportunities. She was getting loud on the phone and I told her to stop yelling at me. She told me to stop interrupting her. This happened two times. On the third time, I said you gotta be kidding me. I’m not staying on the phone with someone yelling at me. She said she’s not kidding me and kept yelling and I said bye bye and hung up on her face…
Some hours later, friend called me. He tried to yell (but he’s not a good yeller) and said he didn’t like the way I spoke to his wife, I tried to embarrass him in front of his other friend and did things underhanded, and because of that, he wants me the eff off the production and he’ll have his lawyer give me my producer and writing credits and money when the film is made. Then he hung up.
I was floored. But I’ve been through people of accusing me of worse things when I did less. My own sister thought I was going to let her down in an ocean because I thought she was bad, and that I started a whole rumor about her, none of which ever happened – I had just gone out to visit her to show her that I loved her… but family members believed her even though everyone witnessed that I had never said a single negative thing about her… I’m thinking of the summer this all happened. The summer I got well. The same summer creative opportunities started coming my way. The same summer family left and right kept asking for my support with so many things and I put my opportunities aside and helped them. Mostly unappreciated. Mostly resented for my contribution and unacknowledged somehow…
I wonder about these things.
After my friend cursed at me for the first time ever since knowing him, I sent him a message. Told him I never tried to embarrass him. It was not intentional. Told him if he doesn’t know that, then he doesn’t know me at all and wished him good luck.
Meanwhile, overseas, my ex the Demon Possessed was doing demon stuff and trying to disrespect me passive aggressively whilst engaging with my family. They either don’t see his red horns or don’t know what to do about it. But I think everyone sees red horns. Everyone feels energy. We just like to lie to ourselves because we don’t want to deal with the consequences of truth. But I digress. Red Horns always rubs me some kind of way. He did me so dirty and he keeps on. I’ve been with him in essence before. First Love, the Abuser, who love hated me. It’s quite amazing how deep these things go. I can talk about him now. I don’t know if he’s made it this blog this much. I have the words for him now. The Abuser mentally and emotionally abused me, pulled my hair out and choked me once in an argument till I punched him in the face. Tried to scare me another time till I pretended to call the cops. Cheated on me multiple times, married a whole other person and had a whole other family while he was overseas on military duty, never helped me with much money or anything else and I believe he still owes me something like $2,000 till this day. Disabled the engine on my car when I got my first professional teaching job so he could sabotage me going to work. Told me things like, “you’re not a woman”. How was this my life? I met him when I was seventeen. Fell in love with him at first site.
I’m trying to figure out why all these things happened to me. You see, when so many bad things happen, it is hard to believe that you’re not a bad person. But it’s not that simple. Because people still want you around, you know? People still smile genuine, happy smiles when I come around and share their secrets with me and want me to be a part of their everythings every time and say they miss me and mean it. But mostly, they hate me, too. For things I mostly didn’t mean to do. Or even if I did, it’s nothing more than they’ve done or would do to me.
I gets no love or compassion or forgiveness in these streets. Forget about help thriving. So, here we are.
Me. Wanting to thrive. And knowing I can’t do it alone. And having no one in my life who is doing life with me who I can fully trust. “Meet new people”, a voice in head says, and meet I must, but the conundrum is real.
After cussing me out and kicking me off project, friend messaged me and apologized. I wrote a poem about this some years ago, when my sis gave me a bogus apology for something she had said to me. “He said sorry. He didn’t mean it. What he meant is I’m sorry that I pushed you to the limit. Is there a limit now, for what you’ll do for me?… I don’t want your sorry sorry. I want you to Love me.”
Friend still wants me to be on project. I told Demon ex to stay away from my family unless he can be respectful to me and kicked him off our project. I’m sure there is a correlation that my brain doesn’t have the words for. Giving away my gifts and power to everyone but me. Not having the good in me seen. Aligning in relationships with men who want to abuse me. I can’t understand it. I’m sure I learned about it in some toxic relationship training at a job or a book or school or something. I remember the feeling from my ex and my mom – this love, hate I’m gonna try and squash you if you don’t accept my bad behavior type feeling… but I so don’t understand it anymore. I used to make it mean that I’m bad.
But I’m not. It’s just not true. I’m just not that bad. I know the thoughts and intentions I have for others… I’m just not as bad as they think I am. And I don’t feel like deserved so many bad things that happened to me. And I feel angry and sad and afraid of everything.
And here is this lady trying to help me move forward in real ways. And there is a possibility that other good things could happen, too. And it’s so big that my mind is thinking of sabotaging so that I don’t hope too much and get disappointed. I can manage my unactualized life through blogs and busy things, etc. And my Spirit is saying that I can’t manage this at all and will probably walk straight into the ocean and never come back if this shitty shit life is the same next year.
So here we are. What you gone do, Laydie? my ghetto Spirit asks. I’m writing a blog to sort it through. I got a letter in the mail this morning. Offer for a $10,000 loan, I need just about $10,000 to do everything I want until January. I took the loan letter as a blessing and a sign and started to apply. But somewhere in the application, they asked for my car insurance. My car insurance has just expired yesterday, and I didn’t have much money. But I sold something cash yesterday and had the cash to pay for insurance, so I went and put the money in my bank account and paid for my car insurance.
Somewhere on the way, I thought about the loan. Yes, it would help with everything today, but still it is a loan. I will have to pay it back. It is support, but debt. And then I thought about myself, and how that is the only kind of support I’m comfortable with. Not real support. Not anything that would actually move me forward forward into thriving. There must be a catch. A stress in the future. Some unspoken grimy relationship agreement. I just can’t let myself be lifted all the way. Or at least it used to be like that. Up until these past five minutes of writing…. I was wondering if I should apply for the loan, and couldn’t figure it out, and so I took to writing this blog so I could sort my thoughts.
And sort I have done. My back and back of head are tingling. I’d like a different experience of life, God. I want you to help me, please. I need You to help me, please. I know You can fix my sabotaging thoughts. I know you can heal my relationships or help me start new ones, but give me peace around them all. I know You can. And if You are me, then I know I can. I want to. I want to get it right this time. You say don’t take the Loan and reach out for real support. Real support has no debt attached to it. Can you imagine. Real support is happy to see you thrive. Not just survive. Thrive. Can you imagine? Allowing yourself to thrive? Accepting the level of good intention that you give to others? Allowing others to be “with” you in your awakening. You matter. You’re important. You deserve it just as much as anyone else. You deserve it. And you can commit. You can show up. I know this is harder than you ever thought hard can be, but I am with you. The world is not against you. You don’t have to fight it.
Just do your best, streamline your intention and focus, and choose. Do you want to receive this opportunity? Choose it. Fully. Even when you feel the resistance and the tremors. Ask them to talk to you. But get work done today. Take action today. Don’t spend too much time talking to tremors. Acknowledge them, touch them with Love, and keep it moving. You can get used to this. There is nothing wrong with people supporting you to thrive. You’re worth it. You’ve earned it. You’re not a bad person. Can you imagine how much good you will do with your thriving? Can you imagine how much good you have already done? You are an amazing person, Laydie. In your prayer today, go to a new place. Choose to have the support you need to thrive, and watch the miracle occur. Choose to thrive. Choose to accept the new life that is already here.
I Love you. I Love you. I Love you.
Ameen
Day 571
Support
Five hundred seventy days. It’s a weird day today, y’all. I don’t quite know how to start it. So I’m here, sorting. I woke up exchanging messages with a sister, my secret cheerleader… I feel the Love and appreciate my relationship with this sis. We are honest with each other, even about things we don’t agree on, and somehow we are still able to bond even though we don’t agree on some things…
I am here. In LA. In the only dwelling in the world that has my name on it. I’ve been here a little upwards of a month. I’m kind of proud that I’ve kept an apartment in LA for over ten years. And I’m ready to leave it now. It’s full of stuff. People gave me furniture and I collected my old things from my brother’s place. So the apartment is stuffy because I haven’t sorted through and gotten rid of and organized stuff. And I realize I’m actually a minimalist. I don’t like to see a lot of stuff crowded everywhere. I like to have space to do cartwheels.
I’d like a house. Can you imagine? I’ve never in my life thought that I’d like a house until recently. Or a family. Or all these things that normal people have. I’ve been in the mud for a long, long time, y’all, but I’m finally coming out. I thought family was my birth family, and have been tied to them for so long in a way that just don’t make sense for a grown woman. Didn’t even think of the idea of family being a new family with a man and kids and you transition to a place where your birth family is still there, but they are now your secondary family, not the primary…
Sometimes it’s embarrassing when I look back and see all the things that have kept my focus for so long. Most of it has nothing to do with the things that I feel I came to Earth to do… “Forgive yourself, Wonoh”, a voice tells me.
I am wondering what’s the best use of time today. I’m not depressed anymore. My whole life has changed even though it doesn’t necessarily look like it on first glance. Well, it looks like it in my skin. My skin looks great and young! And my eyes and teeth look bright and white. My body is OK. I have fat pockets here and there, but it works mostly. But what others can’t see is how I feel these days. Some days are awful and some days are awesome, but most days, the awful doesn’t sink me. I don’t run away from feeling things. I just feel them and cry or tremble or sleep or sometimes jump into action, but most times, there is a part of me that didn’t used to be there. The part that knows that the feelings will pass. The part that knows that the sky isn’t in fact falling.
This is new and amazing. Because it allows me to grieve until I’m griefed. I know griefed isn’t a word, but you get it.
On my potential list for the day is put out for money making opportunities, write, sort out and clean up my apartment, reach out for a man, connect with friends, return a million emails, phone calls and messages, put stuff online to sell so I can move stuff out of my garage and park there, do my therapy work and set goals and intentions and follow up on our group communications, follow up on social media communications, prep for a meeting tomorrow, follow up on a meeting I had last week. One thing I already did on the list is clean up some of my email so I can receive messages again, go and exercise at my friend’s gym and say hi to friend, wash car…
I’d like to complete some things today and I’m wondering if there is anything on my list that I could actually complete today and if there is anything urgent to complete. My house needs some cleaning and space. Also, I’d like to do my therapy work because it helps keep me intentional and aligned, I’d like to see my friend at the gym because his energy is amazing and it’s good exercise. And I really need to get some money coming in and get my car off the street parking so it will be safe.
Spirit says defer to Spirit to get clarity on where to point arrow. I had been under the weather for the past four or five days. I did something different than I usually do. I just chilled. Slept. Drank water. Ate. And now my energy is restored. Quickly I am guided to get rid of things and make space for the new. Finish my therapy work today, my Spirit says, for it is a good guide for action in the direction of things that are important to me. And put in for lots of money so we can get that monkey off our back and coast into the new year. Exercise today, but go and see your friend tomorrow. Pray about a man. You need your partner now. It is enough of being alone. This part of your life is not meant to be alone… You are not meant to be alone.
I wish My People would have picked me to be his wife – such an awesome guy – but he didn’t. There is much to muse about, but my thirty minutes of writing is up. So what did you tell me to do, God? Go check on my car on the street. Put in prayer/meditation time, put things online to sell/get rid of, FINISH therapy work, and reach out for one money, honey opportunity. That’s three things. Do them well. Three things a day works miracles. Write for 15 min and up to one hour max. Get your room in order if you have the strength and energy…
Later Alligators!
Have a Blessed day.
Day 570
What To Do In A Day
Can I tell you what this feels like? Have you ever had a Charly horse? Or like, has your foot or your leg ever fell asleep because you kept it in one position for a long time? And then you move it finally? And you feel all the tingly things all throughout your body and it hurts like hell? Well that’s what I feel like.
All over my body.
I’ve been feeling this way for about four days, ever since I did a thing. I did a thing that could change my life forever. I did a lot of things at the same time, but this particular thing was a thing thing. It was huge. I can’t tell you about it, but it was huge. In the midst of the doing, my back hurt, my leg hurt, I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to cry and go to sleep. I’m sure I did cry. I talked to my inner child and called forth Woman King strength and asked God for grace and called upon my dead daddy. And I did a thing. Differently than I had ever done.
And then I couldn’t walk. My whole body became a tingly sleeping foot just coming alive. I’m not joking or exaggerating. The next day after doing a thing, I took a walk down the street. This particular walk normally takes me fifteen minutes. But it took me one whole hour this time. I couldn’t breathe. My legs were wobbly. My body was just feeling all these sensations that I don’t remember ever feeling before. And I had to think about each step before taking it.
I feel a bit afraid, but not of bad things. I am awakening and I know it. I’m coming alive for real for real. I feel confident that I can sustain this energy this time. I have proven to myself that I’m becoming trustworthy and I don’t do things that sabotage me any more. This is a huge deal to me and for me.
I guess I’m reaching out today because I’m proud of myself and I want to tell somebody. I did a thing, y’all. And I’m doing more things. I’m making good decisions finally. Choosing what helps me thrive and keeps me safe. I know y’all don’t like to hear me saying this, but I’m not giving all my life force and attention to my family. It feels so good to be able to say no to people. To be able to say, “please think of me, too, if you want me to think of you” and follow through with action. I’m feeling myself a bit. Because I’ve never done it. It’s been impossible for me to make that choice before – respect me and consider me and wish me well and be ok with me thriving – hell, celebrate me thriving – or you don’t get access to my personal personal inners on that level. Love me. Be interested in Loving me. No negotiations. Mistakes are allowed, but no negotiations…
I am grateful for everything, God. I pray that I can be here longer to do stuff now. Feel the effects and impact of this awakening. Experience what it feels like to be a good person living a good life. Experience what it feels like to exchange real Love with people on a level I don’t even dare to imagine. Experience my Love and all I give being received and appreciated and valued. Redemption and reconciliation…
I’m not going to write too much more. My body is buzzing and kind of hurting in a good way. I want to have sex. Sorry mom. I said it. But not just sex with some nasty nasto… Like, I want to connect with someone deeply and full and be present in the world. I kind of want to rub magnesium all over my body and do believe that I am going to go and jump my whole self into the ocean today.
I miss you, whoever you are who misses me. But I don’t miss dysfunction or toxicity and don’t want things back the way they were. What I want, and what I demand is to be considered, not just in thought, but in action. I need to know that when I say, “Guess what amazing feat I just achieved????” you will clap for me and cheer for me and lift me up in celebration and not say “Yay, Laydie has done it again” with sarcasm and contempt. What I demand is for you to tell me what I have done to you so I can come to your feet and apologize and we can mend, not go and tell everyone except for me and then treat me with resentment and hostility and mistrust. And if I have no thing and you are in fact the culprit, I need you to own it if you want my trust. Every Blessed thing. I will Love you regardless. I will wish you well regardless. But trust is for the ones who have proven themselves trustworthy and the ones who own up and make amends when they make mistakes.
Big people stuff. I am big person. I don’t care what anyone has to say about it. It doesn’t mean that I am bigger or better. It just means that I am big. I was made that way. And I have been living out of alignment with the core of my very DNA. And putting up with shit shit shit. I’m not even going to start talking about all the things that I can’t believe happened. But they did. They happened. And I forgive myself. Little by little. For the things I allowed. For the things I did. For the things I didn’t do. I forgive others, too. Perhaps we can really start to live now and point our focus towards to sun. We can. We can. We can.
I Love You.
Sincerely,
Me.
Day 569
Awakening
hownottocryeveryday 