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Day 564 – Reality

May 19, 2022

Hi. How are you guys? A lot going on. I am fine here. My heart hurts a bit. Will try and move knives from it when I can. I’ve been a lot of places since my last post. Been a gypsy without a home unpacked. Lived in hotel. Lived with friends. Visited family. Touched base at the only place in the world with my name on the address. Now I’m upstate at a family member’s graduation, and next stop will finally be home.

I didn’t manifest a man or a mansion in a month like I wanted to, although I did manifest part of what I had written down in my goal book: “Be at peace with family and complete past relationships”. As fate would have it, my gypsy life and visiting people led me to connect with past relationships that needed closure and the raggedy parts of my family relationships were brought to the surface, so there is finally a possibility of peace.

I feel hurt and want some comfort. I have an imaginary council of elders that I go to for advice. They are here now with me. One says love your mother and love yourself. Friends have been supporting me. One sends me a message as I write. I have been supported by GIANTS. I am grateful even as I hurt. My other council members tell me to be strong. And powerful. Those parts of me that I’ve always rejected because I thought folks would kill me if they knew how outstanding I was… I accept them. Don’t give up on love. Don’t have a lot to write. Just wanted to touch base.

I saw Phillip. Dream Phillip from years ago in my blog. King Phillip. The only man who gets a name this blog. I saw him. Three times. He’s old now. I guess he’s always been old, but his age is showing now. He wants to have a baby together. I’m not making this up. I’m pretty sure he probably has a medical diagnosis that won’t allow him to live too long and he wants to have a baby before he dies. Maybe he has cancer. I’m sensing cancer… Ummm, yeah. But I saw him. We hung out. Talked. Lived a dream. I don’t even know what to think or feel about him. Don’t know if I’ll have his baby. I probably will, though. I’m getting old. Why not? I’m not sure. Not sure what I’m writing this blog about, but I’ll keep writing till I get somewhere.

I’ve said this before. For some reason, this blog is the best therapy I have. Better than a journal that no one sees. Better than a therapist and even group coaching. All those other things are good, but this blog puts me in touch with myself and helps me process in a different way. I Love writing. I thank God for this tool.

That’s what I was thinking about before I starting writing. Love. And joy. And feeling good. Vibrancy. Passion. Emphatic yes’s. Connection. Congruence. Alignment. Focus. In the midst of this this moment, joy popped in and landed on my brain. Vibrancy, dormant, raised its hand. Told me look at it. Forgiveness somehow seems possible. I embrace it. A different experience of being seems possible. Not just in a fantasy, but in real life. This is the way it was supposed to be.

I embrace the thought of dreams being real. Simmer with it. Sit with it. Bring it into body. We can handle it now. We are strong enough. We have the tools. We are wise enough. Ameen.

Day 564


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