Day 572 – Show Time

This is a short one. It just came to mind and I wanted to share with you. “No more practicing on how to live life and be on the court. You are on the court now. Show time.”

I was writing in my journal, trying to get it all together, and then I started writing that I’m gonna practice loving me so I can prep for blah blah blah. But then I had to stop. And write this out loud to everyone. Haven’t you practiced enough? Haven’t you prepped enough? Have you learned nothing yet? Why not live now? Keep practicing, but you will get so much better at life by living it instead of conceptualizing, hiding, not participating.

Oh, it is scary, but this sorry life is sorry enough now. It’s enough now. I went to this conference not too long ago and they made the analogy of life being like a sports game. Some people stay on the sidelines and watch other people play, and others get on the court and play ball. And they get beat and bruised and win and lose and go up and down, but the ones who play ball play ball and they experience life in a different way than the spectators. No judgement on the spectators. Without them, the players would have no audience and no reason to play. Everyone has their place in this creation we are making. But what is your place?

What is mine? I have been out of place. I’m sure you’ve noticed. I have been pretending. Even pretending so much that I’ve pretending to my own mind, deep deep in the subconscious grooves. I’ve been pretending I am shy. Pretending I am a spectator. Pretending I am scared. Pretending I’m a follower. Pretending I can’t get out of this rut. Tricked my own self long ago and thought I had no power. Well, I didn’t do all the tricking by myself. There was programming and exposure and experiences and lack thereof. But I bought into the lie a long time ago. I bought into the lie that the programming and the exposure and the experiences that I had early on was all there was to it. You know, it’s not quite fair, I don’t think. We get the okey doke before we even learn to think for ourselves, and then we live a whole life thinking we are whoever we were taught we were when we were so little and we fight and attract and validate and recreate those compensatory identities and dynamics for most of our lives.

I’ve been pretending that I can do life on my own, with this journal and my thoughts and whatever else I’ve been doing to get by. But I can’t. I can’t do it anymore. In fact, I’ve been beyond sad. It’s not even depressed anymore. It’s just beyond sad. Something like heartbroken. Something like trapped. Something like dead. A very small insignificant thing, barely breathing due to a humungous heart not shared. Suffering from a huge Love deficit.

In fact, I have wanted to share so much with the world for so long – my voice, my love, my stories, my joy – and have been so frustrated, so disappointed, so angry with life because I just haven’t been able to do it. And I’ve been trying. Life has been knocking me out and punching me in the face every time I almost get there, it seems. And mostly it hasn’t seemed fair. And I’ve been complaining and whining about the unfairness to myself and to others and to God and still it only makes life hate me more.

This has been my inner experience, distinguished now. Clear. This morning, though, with all the inner chatter, I’m taking a stand. It won’t be like I did before, all active and loud. It is a quiet stand and maybe it will go slow, maybe it will go fast. Maybe at times it will be exhilarating… But it will be 100%, little by little. I’ve had enough of crying every day. For real for real. It may even mean I’ve had enough of this blog. We’ll see… Maybe I’ll change the title. I’m sure about that yet. I’m not interested in how not to cry every day anymore. It was needed when it was needed and it was needed for a long time. I just didn’t want to be hurting all the time.

But that is a reactionary intention. And like I said, it’s needed when it’s needed, It’s the process of healing, First you stabilize. First you get the patient to stop trembling. First you detox through so many methods. I’ve been saying to myself and others that I’m a healer all along, but I haven’t ever really taken it serious. You know, there are people out there doing retreats and leading classes and doctoring and taking healer stuff serious. I haven’t. I haven’t taken much of myself serious because I’ve been so busy trembling and crying and reacting to the big, bad wolves.

And God has been beating me down and beating me down trying to get me to learn this one lesson that has had me so fearful for so long. Pull the plug. Pull the plug on it all. Let it be over. You’ve been afraid for it to be over because this has been your life and you’ve been used to it and who will you be when it is over? You don’t even know and you’ve been so afraid of that. But what is it costing you? I’m talking to myself. Look at my shitty shit underactualized life. I mean, not to get too down on myself, but this will no longer do. This is so longer me.

I’ve gone through the healer’s training now, and honestly, I would not be qualified to help sick people had I never been sick. I spent the majority of my young adult life as healthy and as lucky they come, I never knew defeat. I never knew struggle. I never wanted any single thing that didn’t come to me luckily and magically. And I couldn’t even fathom the concept of pleasing myself while disappointing another or getting another’s disapproval. If you have never had to count to ten and use all your effort just to get out of bed and get some water… if you have never had to suspend belief in all appearances just so you could find a way to figure out how to pay some bills… if you have never had to do the last thing – see yourself drowning in the quicksand dirty mud with every name called against you and a foot on your head, and decide to get up, on your own instead of just sinking, then it will be hard for you to empathize with others who struggling with wanting to stay in life and get out on the court.

I have to stop writing, as the day has started and there is much to do. I already stopped my stream of consciousness and answered two calls to make arrangements to pay bills, made another call to resolve a work issue, responded to a message, and ignored two other calls. This is the quicksand I’ve been avoiding. Responsibility. Answering so many calls. Solving so many problems. Giving it a go one more time. But things don’t go away, you know.

You can ignore them, but they don’t go away. They just weigh you down as unfinished business… I lost track of where my thoughts were at the beginning of this blog. Refocus. I was excited because I was ready to get out of practice mode and get on with the living. Fear now once to stop me before the blog’s end and get me right back into conceptualizing and writing all these theories. And so fear, you and I will talk today. I understand why you are here. Many things have happened and we have been hurt so, so much by being in the world and being vulnerable to wolves. We’ve been eaten and beaten and beaten down and pushed around and neglected and abandoned and used and abused and cheated and vampires and not seen and judged so harshly and attacked and spit on if we complain to boot. And so, fear, I see that you have been trying to protect me from going through all that pain again, because it seems like every time I go into the world, I just can’t help it. Those are the types of relationships and dynamics I experience. And so, fear, you came in to protect me. So I don’t go all wide hearted and consort with flesh eating demons till they eat me and I die. I thank you, my darling fear. I needed you. I sure as heck was making so many choices that didn’t keep me safe, and you needed to pull me right out of the world so I could stop it and stop killing myself.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for keeping me safe for so long. I have been safe and I appreciate you so much for not letting me die. But I want more than safety and survival now, sweet fear. This won’t do anymore. It’s lonely here by myself, and thanks to you and the stability you’ve given me by keeping me away from the world, and giving me enough water, I feel my heart again. It has been broken, but it still has life in it. And it wants to Love. And it wants to be Loved more than anything in this world. And it just can’t do it by itself. I mean, that’s where we started. I was writing in my journal that I’m going to practice Loving myself. But why practice alone in an apartment? Why not Love myself for real? Now? Now now now now now. Now. Why not Love others for real? Now. Why not allow myself be Loved? Now. Accept it. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now.

Fear? There are others ways to be safe. Wisdom and discernment and self love and thinking about what’s good for me instead of trying to please others can help me from being so hurt in the world again. And making intentions about how I want to be and what I want to give can help tremendously. And power and light. Showing up as power and light can make the demons go away and protect us. It’s different. Different than anything I’ve ever done. I’m just tired of practicing now. So let’s get up and out as we are, let’s just live it. Put a new foundation. We know what we know. Instead of living from “life isn’t fair”, how about we be the magic healer woman that we are, and stop judging our power and our magic as bad or feeling guilty that we don’t give to whoever wants it on demand. Give it to ourselves and then give it to who we choose to give it to when we choose to give to whomever for whatever reason we want. Part of my magic is in my words, and so I use them… Forget about life being fair or unfair. That’s no longer a construct that guides me. Pull the plug on all distorted constructs and make a declaration. Like Abraham Hicks said, “I am a good person and I deserve a good life.” I expand. Others are good people and they deserve a good life. God is for me and not against me and he helps me have a good life. I am a good person. My good is received by the world. I declare. 100%. My good is received by the world and I am respected, loved, appreciated, honored, valued and treated with such care and tenderness by others… Jealously and judgement has no power over me. My foundation is love and reciprocity. I receive and value my whole self and treat myself with respect, love, appreciation, honor, care and tenderness… I look for the good in others and I receive and value other’s whole selves and treat them with respect, love, appreciation, honor, care and tenderness…

Y’all. Let me get off this blog today. Have a Blessed day.

Love,

Laydie

Day 572

Show Time