Day 573 – Completion Completion (Things Happen All The Way For Me)

Good day. Happy New Year. Something very different happens here than when I write in my journal, when I talk to people, when I do any other kind of inner work. I process in a different way. It’s amazing. We are chameleons. We become different in different environments. We become different when we express ourselves in different ways…

What I want to do is close my eyes and type. And tell you that I am happy and at peace. It doesn’t look that way from the outside. In fact, from the outside perspective, my world fell apart recently. I got an unexpected health diagnosis and I don’t know how it will be resolved. Everything was going great, but not really. But really… Happy New Year.

I was thinking I’d do some introspection this morning. Go through a review of 2022 and make an intention for 2023. Surrender and Intend are on the mind. They sound like oxymorons. The one implies releasing control and the other implies controlling everything. In my Feminine Power course, I remember being introduced to the concept of co-creation. I am sure that this is the most important thing to understand right now. How to make a life. What are the foundational principles to take us out of victimhood at last?

So I wrote this mantra in my journal. “Things happen all the way for me.” In fact, I’m going to soak it in for fifteen minutes before I continue writing…

So. What happened is I tried to look in my life and find at least one place where things have happened all the way, and also find one place where I could complete things all the way today. It was challenging. I found things from the past. Once upon a time, I was a teacher all the way. Certified all the way. With a certified teaching job all the way. Even was voted Rookie Teacher of the Year all the way. And had a paycheck all the way. And no or low debt all the way. But that was a long time ago… It didn’t satisfy. So I thought about today. Is there anything in my life today that is an all the way manifestation of something I had wanted? Was there anything now that was complete? It didn’t happen in my meditation, but as I write, I am thinking of my hammock. It’s not a ten year all the way, but a two year wish that manifested all the way. I have a hammock. It eases pain in my back and help me relax. It is my best kept secret that’s not a secret. I feel like a kid when I think of it and I want to tell the whole world, “Ha ha! I got something nice for me. I deserve nice things, too. I can have nice things, too, just like you. Why not me?” It is a thing that happened to me all the way. My friend who put it together hung the hammock inside out. He does not care about things happening all the way, and I don’t blame or judge him. I was not in the consciousness of things happening all the way until two days ago, and my whole life has been an attestation to that.

So, this year, a year of almosts, a year of breakdowns, a year of near deaths, a year of intention, a year of fighting for my very Blessed life and peace of mind, a year of so much grief and sorrow, has led us here. The all the way place. Shall we do a quick review and set some intentions?

This year, I’d like to write my life like a story. An all the way story. Or a song. Or a poem. There are components to this, you know. You can start in any order, but the five story components in a screenplay (according to Jeffrey Gordon of Writer’s BootCamp), are the main character and their misbehavior (misbehavior is the unconscious behavior that keeps the character from getting what they want), the story adventure (what actually happens), the opponent (the person, place, thing that is in the way of the main character getting what they want), the dynamic (the main person, place or thing that the main character is interacting with and the nature of their relationship dynamic which inevitably shifts as the story progresses), and then there is the genre (the particular story conceits that fit into an agreed upon mode of storytelling). I’d like to add tone to this. When you edit a story, you get to the tone and little details on how the story goes.

I am rewriting the story of my life. A do over. Not an edit. There’s a difference between a rewrite and an edit. I will keep the content, but orient it differently. We are moving from a horror, tragedy, dark thriller, weird sci-fi script to a romance or a romantic comedy or a joyful action/adventure. Something different now. And I’m not going to make this hard and calculate everything. I think that is what is meant when you find the balance between surrender and intention, without trying to be so much in control of everything. I’m downright tired of trying to control everything. It doesn’t work. I’ve barely even been able to control anything of myself, much less how other people are or world events. But I can intend and be like a plant. Give myself what is needed to thrive and to become the plant I was meant to be. This pushing against the world is exhausting. I am sure there is another way to live.

So, back to where I started. All The Way. Things happen all the way for me. This year in Review. Shall we start at the end? December I got sick. I got invited to a miracle opportunity, got sponsored and everything, to go to a life changing conference in New York. It’s a high priced event, and an organization paid the bill for me. I just had to get there and find a place to lodge for five days. Do you know I am a master hustler? I’ve been living in LA and holding an apartment for eleven years, a feat in and of itself, but what’s more is that I haven’t had a full-time job in seven years, since I first got sick and disabled. In those seven years, I have learned how to hustle. Sell stuff. Get a subletter. Beg. Work a quick gig that’ll give at least $1000 in a few days. Hustle. There has never been a time that I’ve tried to hustle up a grand or more and haven’t been able to. But this December, it did not work. I did every blessed thing I always do – things that get me money in a day or less. Every time I’ve put my apartment on the market to sublet (my guaranteed plan B hustle), it has always rent for at least $1250 within twelve hours of posting it. But this time, nothing. Not a single subletter responded to my add. Couldn’t sell a single thing. Quick gigs didn’t come through at last minute. Begging didn’t work. Friends had no couches in New York to me and I just wasn’t willing to be some man’s snack in exchange for room. And I couldn’t come up with the money to get to New York and have a place to stay. And so I didn’t go to my amazing conference. Subsequently, I got really sick, but this time, it’s a sickness that’s not diagnosed yet, but could change my life forever. An amazing life changing film opportunity that I thought I was going to get didn’t come through, and so my new year plans were squashed. And there was a man I loved, but I think he stopped loving me. I pushed him away, actually. He lives far away and I threatened him and told him that I’d dump him if I don’t see him by a certain date. Told him I’d date someone near to me this year and not talk to him if I don’t see him by now. Told him to stop telling me he loves me he loves me and saying all this stuff unless/until he was ready to take action and told him to leave me alone. Yep. I said all that. I’m sure it broke his heart and broke his trust. ‘Cus how could I say all that to him. How I could I leave him just because he’s not doing what I want on my timeline? I apologized, but he’s not back with me. He doesn’t call me. Doesn’t say he loves me anymore. Doesn’t write me songs like he used to. Doesn’t answer when I ask if he still loves me. He invited me to see him finally, and I’m supposed to go, but there’s sadness between us now.

He could be a big fat player like Dream Lover was, just saying this and that and pulling back now because he realized I’m not falling for his games and his wife came in town. Or he could be a love bird with a broken heart because he realized the woman that he loves will dump and leave him at the slightest.

I can’t say I miss him particularly, but I did like him very much. Actually, I do miss the idea of him so much. He opened up my heart. But he was a fairytale. Something about him reminded me of Dream Lover, and it means that he was unavailable either because he’s boo’d up some how or because his consciousness is like mine was – he cannot hold a real thing. His love was a dream, and he is the mirror that made me think of my mantra this year. Dreams and reality. We have all these ideas, but they are away from us. Do you understand? They are out there. This idea of a dream lover has been out there. Just a dream. Not a goal. Not a possible reality for me. If I try to imagine me… me, actually loving someone and him loving me back at the same time, my mind gets a block. My breath hyperventilates. Even when I tried to imagine myself getting the amazing film opportunity that I ended up not getting, I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t hold the image in my mind without feeling like I was pushing against something that wasn’t for me.

And I’ve been here in this almost life striving and striving and striving for far too long. It feels scary to hope. It feels scary to imagine something different. Because I can manage this, you know. I have learned how to be OK with bags unpacked and a kitchen with dishes unwashed. I have learned to live without a bed ever fully made and clothes not quite hung up. I have managed broken toilet seats or toilet seats that don’t fit quite right and scripts completed, but without quite incorporating the changes I know I wanted to put. I have met amazing men and gotten used to them leaving or deceiving me. I can live through that. And my family? Well, I have mostly never felt the things I’ve wanted to feel – loved and accepted and supported to thrive in a deep way, where people are happy for me even if even if, and I’ve learned to live with that. Forgiven. I have felt so hated by them always. So resented. Throw friends in there, too. Not everyone, but most of the ones who have been in my story dynamic thus far.

There have been angels in my life, too. There are still angels in my life. But I digress. My point is, most of my life has been an almost dream come true, even down to my very apartment unwashed dishes, and I’d like to change that this year. It’s a huge task to undertake, and it will not be done without focus and intention and help. My survival mind wants to jump out and get busy making big ol’ plans about my new story and mapping out my life again, but we’ve done that before. We’ve had all these witty concepts and strategies and they didn’t work. Mostly they were avoidance mechanisms that left us with subpar work and results.

I have a Master’s in Film Producing, but I don’t feel confident in my film Producing skills. I’m a filmmaker, but most of my reel is not edited in a way that demonstrates my talent. I’m a writer, but nothing is published as of yet. I’m such a huge romantic lover, but there is no one in my life that I fully give my heart to and no one who gives his heart to me. And, I never used to identify as an artist, but I’m a free-spirited artistic type, but my home and all my things are not quite all the way right yet. My hair ain’t right. My body ain’t right. My skin ain’t right. My money ain’t right. My relationships ain’t right. Lol. I’m not saying this to get down on myself. I’m saying this so I can call a thing a thing and then get on with a thing. So shaking that energy off, my wise inner knowing says that the way forward is to put one step in front of the other with one thing at a time.

The way to completion is completion. So many doors open already. So much unfinished business now. No need to start a new plan. Yes, intend a new story, but more than a new story, intend a new tone and watch the story change. The adventure you are on now is a journey to actualize your life and live in alignment with Source and in integrity. You have all the tools you need and then some, and now it is time to use them. Your prescription to move out of an almost life and into a “things happen all the way for me” complete and aligned life is to move out of an almost life and into a “things happen all the way” complete and aligned life. How? Medicine three times a day until it becomes your life, and even after it becomes your life, medicine three times a day to sustain your life. And what do I mean by medicine? For now, meditation. Things happen all the way three times a day. Say it and see it. Soften your resistance. Allow it. Look for it. Acknowledge it. Bring it into your awareness that it is possible for you – yes you, for things to happen all the way.

It is possible that you could have a Master’s in Film Producing from the most prestigious film school in the world and actually produce films and have your films produced and make a lot of money from it and have good health insurance and people paying you per diem and giving you hotel rooms and fancy living to have fun making stuff. Go figure. Wasn’t that the plan if things happen all the way?

And it’s possible that you could have an organized house. Shoot, did I just say house???? Yes, I did. It’s possible that you could have a house. But let’s start with an apartment, since that is where we are now. It’s possible that your apartment could be a home. With a comfy couch and a dish set that actually has all the dishes and clean floors and enough towels and blankets. And two night stands and a headboard. An all the way bedroom. And you could have a toilet seat that fits your toilet. And bedsheets could be washed and smell fresh. Go figure.

And there could be a man. This one is hard for me to write. There could be a man that is your new family. And maybe even kids. And this family of yours, the family of your birth, could be secondary now. The become extended family because that is what happens when you grow up and things happen all the way. This is the third act of your story. In fact, the third act is over and you didn’t even realize. You passed the test. You lived through the individuation. Yes, broken up and beaten and sadder than ever before, but oh, so hopeful about life.

And this is what you needed. To all the way pull your life force away from everyone else and turn it towards you. I know that it sounds selfish, but don’t think about it too much. Selfless didn’t work for you, OK? They called you selfish anyway even as you gave blood and blood for their cause. Don’t think of it too much. If things happen all the way for you, then you will need all of you for these things to happen. Imagine if you could love yourself as much as you loved others. If you could be OK resting in a hammock sometimes. You’d be perfectly fine buying a hammock and giving it to someone else to comfort them and they’d be perfectly fine receiving it and even act like you owed it to them and be ungrateful about it. Could you owe it to yourself now? You need it, you know. You’re gonna need your gifts and your strength and your power to break through all this past patterning and these past beliefs.

So the prescription (it’s for me, but maybe you, too):

-three times a day, meditate on things happen all the way, and allow yourself to visualize these things you dreamed of and set goals around happening to you all the way. Take in the good of a clean kitchen. Let it be reality.

-One time a day, after meditation, journal about places in your life where things have happened all the way and give appreciation for them. You have a hammock. It is an all the way. You live in an apartment in LA. It is an all the way dream come true. See? You can do things all the way. Give your mind and body evidence of what is possible.

-And last but not least, every blessed day, complete something all the way. Don’t make this hard. Make it easy until it gets easier. Start with your house, script, and ten year-old “to-do” list because those have most energy for you. For example, I have a never ending list of things that need to be completed. Today, I will flip over my hammock to the correct position. And then I’ll have an organized piece of my house that happened all the way. This is how we build self trust. I’m not going to talk about my filming and my man and my family and my farm – it is so much to do – but my goal for this quarter in my life is to create the conditions for all these things to actualize. I’ve written lists upon list on how to actualize these in the past and didn’t fully follow through on any of them yet, but I believe that as I focus on completing the things in my apartment that I’ve been wanting to complete for years, and take daily small actions towards my other needs and goals and take my prescription medicine, my vibration will shift and sooner than later, I will see things manifested…

-put the energy of joy, love, enthusiasm and receptivity in everything you do. It is a practice you’re not used to, but you can get used to this.

Things happen all the way for me. I guess I’ll give the review of my year… So. I just wrote a monthly breakdown of my year, but it had a lot of personal things about personal people in my life. I deleted it because it paints them kind of bad. And yes, while they are mostly full of the most shitty shit, I don’t know who reads this blog and I don’t think they are quite ready to let the world know the wicked things they’ve done so they can redeem themselves. So this is an abridged version of year in review:

Jan – April – Overseas. Fell out with mom, brother, boyfriend and sister. Trust broken. Relationships separated. Hired new people for farm. Health started declining. Joined therapy group.

May – July – Came back to states. Asked for help with filmmaking career and started completing portfolio. Spent time with family. Went on a retreat for three weeks. Fell out with mom some more and fell out with a different sister. Got sick and thought I was going to die. Mission to get back to Cali.

August – September – Still down south with family. Different location. Scammed about a career opportunity. Started dating but getting tricked by these men left and right (not too tricked, though). Got sick again. Mission Cali.

October – November – Film stuff kicking off. People recruiting me for stuff. Someone said they loved my script and wanted to make it. Other things almost fell together but fell apart. Met amazing men. Living life like golden in the Hollywood world. Almost materializations. Nothing quite complete.

December – Another amazing opportunity for conference. Almost made it. Therapy group over. Almost made it to end retreat. Got sick again. This time scarier than ever.

What can we can conclude? 2022 was a year of falling apart. Dematerialization in preparation for new things. I’m OK with it now. It was, in fact, the best year in a long time even though it didn’t look that way. I discovered my misbehavior. And what is my misbehavior? Well, if you want to know yours, just look at how people treat you. The way people treat you is a reflection of what you think about yourself and what you think about others and life. People treat me like shit. They don’t appreciate anything I do for them – they don’t even see it. They support the most horrendous abuses on me and judge me like a rotten pig. They don’t consider my feelings when making decisions that impact me, mostly feel offended or drained if I ask them to do the most basic life saving things for me, and to top it all off, expect me to champion, hero and support them and carry all their loads, contribute to all their whatever, even to my detriment at all times with any amount of notice and won’t give me any credit or appreciate me – might even resent me for doing stuff and accuse me of ill intent – and want me to smile whilst it’s all happening and come back in their lives with no accountability for nothing ever.

So, why me? Is it because I’m such a bad person? Is it because I have faults that are any more unforgivable than my offenders’ faults? It is because I’m less worthy of compassion than your average Joe? I look at all the things and look at how I treat myself. Do I appreciate myself or recognize the things I do for others? Not really. I walk around like I ain’t shit and like I’m supposed to do everything I’ve done. No need to thank me or consider me or pay me for anything I do. I will carry your burden and forsake what’s good for me happily, to the point that you will forget that I live to do anything but serve you. I always judge myself harshly and it’s only this year that I started saying no to people who abuse me. I never thought my feelings were important. Would just do stuff as if my needs were too much. I was too sensitive or too picky or whatever, but other people weren’t. It would be too much for me to ask to have a bed in my own house, but OK for another person to ask for the same. Etc. etc. You get the point.

Another tool for change. It hasn’t happened all the way, but it’s happening slowly. As I learn to treat myself in the ways I want to be treated and I learn to treat others in the ways I want to be treated, I’m sure my life will shift.

I know I won’t change everything overnight. There’s so much to deal with. I’ll start with the three things on my prescription list: “Things happen all the way for me”, complete one thing at a time, appreciate and recognize the good, and fix my face and tone.

This has been a long read. A little raw and honest. A little bitter. A little healing. I’m a person, y’all. A bonafide, whole person. I know you’re probably judging me. It’s OK if you don’t like me. Haha! It’s ok if you don’t like me. I probably don’t like you, either. Haha! That feels so good to say. I’m finally OK with that. I Love you, though. And I love me anyway. And I hope you are well. I want for me what I want for everyone. A good life. Even to my haters and oppressors. A good life. I can’t do anything but love this year. My heart just won’t let me anymore. A good life, a good life, a good life. God Bless you everyone, and Happy 2023.

Love,

Laydie

Day 573

Completion Completion (Things Happen All The Way For Me)