Hi guys… It’s over. Everything. In a good way.
I’m sitting at home. My home for the last 12 years and 11 months. In the middle of Los Angeles. City of Angels. In the kitchen, my houseguest is frying plantain. I’m sitting in my self made book nook, my most nourishing spot in the house, and writing this blog.
It just occurred to me that this is also the least used spot in the house. I made it about a year ago or less. Prior to that, this area wasn’t very usable…
I’m moving. Yep. Me. I’m moving out of here. Finally. I have been afraid to move for a long, long time because this has been my only safe space in the world. And my jaw started to tremble a bit when I just wrote “I’m moving”, but I feel a bit more hopeful about the future than afraid. I can’t quite tell you where I’m going yet, but once I get there, I’ll let you know.
But I have begun to wonder who I will be. Who will I be if I don’t have some man abusing, neglecting or abandoning me and keeping me emotionally unstable for half the month? Who will I be if I’m not sick and in pain with some ailment to focus on? Who will I be if I’m not fighting with my family or friends and feeling wronged half the time? Who will I be if I actually have enough money to do whatever I want? And support to boot?
I have built an entire life around being poor, sick, hurt and almost there. Who will I be when I get there? When I am healed? When I feel Loved? When I am fulfilled in my work? And supported? When I belong? Who will I be when I use my energy for what I want how I want and don’t regret it? Who will I be when my will is my own?
I don’t have anything profound to write today. But I just wanted to let you know that I am changing. I’ve heard it so many times, but it makes sense now. When people say your life doesn’t change until you do. It makes sense. Your life can change temporarily without you changing. But you can trust that your life has forever changed when you realize that you have changed. And you don’t make the same decisions. And you don’t solve problems in the same way. And you give differently. You receive differently. You even walk differently.
I have changed. I am more humble. I have learned how to forgive and let go. But the most profound change is that I am beginning to understand how to feel good every day. And instead of making choices so that I can escape pain, I am beginning to open my arms, let pain dissolve, learn the lessons from it, and then make proactive choices – choices that will create the life I am here to live. I’ve also been embracing and embodying the phrase “I know”.
I realized that “I don’t know” lived in my subconscious really deep. Whenever it came time to make a decision, “I don’t know what to do” would be running in the back of my mind, and even in my body. I would get really confused. I would freeze so that I don’t feel the confusion. I would defer to anyone or anything besides my own inner knowing… I’m a woman and so we are acculturated to look to anyone but ourselves for leadership and guidance. But the truth is, there was so much that I did know, and I was betraying my own inner knowing for a long time. There is so much that I do know now.
I’ve been through a lot, and if I choose to, I can be wise now through my experiences. I can be powerful. I can be resourceful. I can be kind. I can be strong. I can be brave. I can be loving. I can be joyous. I can be clear minded. I can use my brain and my tools and my spirit to figure out the solutions to problems. I can create avenues for well-being. If I choose to, I can be the writer of my own self-help book now and know what I need to thrive. And I can learn how to receive what I need. I can be happy. In the midst of the dissolution of everything I’ve ever known, I know this is possible, even for me
I don’t know what the future holds, but even that’s not entirely true. I do know that the future for me is magical. I can’t wait to share with you as things unfold.
Love you! Bless you. Mwa.
Day 588
Endings and Beginnings (The Final Chapter)
Y’all… Stay Focused. Everything you’ve learned is up for review now. Pass the test. If others come to you with disruption, attacks, bad treatment, bless them, love them, but PULL YOUR ENERGY AWAY.
Don’t waste time trying to prove to others that they are hurting, harming, or otherwise negatively impacting you. You know that they are. Your own knowing is enough.
Don’t waste time trying to show that you are good or that you meant this, that or the other. You know your intentions and you know what you think and who you pray for when you go to sleep. Your own knowing is enough.
Your critical attention is needed for the rebuilding of your life. Focus on the thoughts, behaviors, environments that will create the life you are here to live
Stay Focused. I Love y’all.
Mwa!
Day 587
Stay Focused
I will start with today. This moment. I am sitting at home. My apartment that I’ve lived in for 12.5 years. In the heart of the City of Angels. I have on a nightgown of sorts, a peachish pinkish colored short dress looking thing. The heater is on. I’m sitting on the couch covered with a blanket. The couch has books under the base because the base cracked.
The couch is multi-colored. A blue base with a busy, circular pattern on it. My laptop is on my lap, my phone is on the arm of the couch to my left, and my journal is on the couch to my right. On the end table, there is a plastic orange bowl filled with fruit – orange slices and grapes -, a bottle of water and a plastic tray with crumbs from snacks just eaten.
I am struggling to breathe. There is a tingling sensation on the right side of my body. My housemate just came out of his room to tell me he wants to eat food and to call me a bad lady because I didn’t make food for him. It is his way of joking, he says. I say he full of shit but I refuse to give him my energy today.
His interaction is his way of trying to open up a door so he can ask me to have sex with him or so that he can eat all my energy. And just like that, my focus is gone.
This is why my leg hurts… Oooh. This is the deep thing to heal. I can not breathe and my leg hurts because I feel afraid. I feel afraid because I am completing many things quickly and that means that i will be back in the world again. In fact, I will be in the world in a way that I’ve never been before. I feel afraid of being back in the world because there are people like my housemate everywhere in the world. People who don’t care about you and only want to take from you or manipulate or use you. People who will destroy everything meaningful to you in order to try and control you.
I manifested a monster right into my house. He is the outpicturing of my deepest beliefs about life, men, and others, and he is my opportunity to be free at last. “Women are too bad, boys are too smart, problems won’t finish, try to enjoy,” he sings as he makes his own food in the kitchen.
This is not where I was expecting to go when I started writing this blog. Now my left shoulder hurts and my uterus is in a rage…
I went online to scroll. My body tapped itself out for a bit, and now, finally, ladies and gentlemen, I am going to deal with this sh*t because I can’t hide out from the world forever.
First, what is the problem? The problem is that my body reacts negatively to any kind of forward motion – muscle pain, confusion, panic attacks, trouble breathing – because it feels afraid of coming back to the world. I have my reasons. I’ve been hurt by the world in many ways for a long, long time. Trauma. And up until recently, not only was I hurt, but I couldn’t quite understand what was going on because I was gaslit by the offenders, who will chip away at you through micro-aggressions forever and then tell you nothing is happening.
Other problem: a perfect reflection of why I am afraid of going back to the world lives with me and regularly reminds me of how awful the world is.
Solution. Take your power back… Jesus take the wheel.
Belief: If I become powerful, the world will hurt me more.
Solution: Change belief and become powerful.
New belief: When I become more powerful, I am more safe in the world. I am not alone. God is love.
You see, anything is possible. You can make anything mean anything. And so, you can make this situation mean that God hates you, or you can make it mean that God Loves you and is teaching you finally to use your power to be safe. Say no to negative energetic encounters. Partner with people on your level. Heal, heal, heal the subconscious trauma that blocks you from moving forward. Heal until healed. All the way. And say yes to environments that nurture, inspire and restore you.
This is an opportunity for you to break free, Laydie. Take it. You are getting old and this life will be over before you blink an eye…
My housemate went and cooked some food. He cooked food for me, too. He’s calling me to eat. It’s a trap and a trick. Lord. OK. This is it. This is why my back hurts and my leg hurts and my everything hurts when I think about going back to the world. Traps and tricks to get me to do what I want, and moreover, to get me to do what’s not safe for me. My head hurts and I can hardly concentrate at the moment. My heart is beating fast. What is the way out of all this?
l stopped writing. Breathed. Meditated. Pulled my energy back into my body. Some text messenger got his attention and he went to the room to text. The solution is focus. Easier said than done, but easier done when done and done and done and done again.
For a brief moment, I remembered what I had planned to do with this day. The moving forward that led me into panic attack in the first place. I had planned to complete things. Complete reading and editing a manuscript that I had planned to read and edit a long time ago. I had planned to get out of the house and get to a public place – a park or something, and finish reading and editing it. And I had planned to finish putting away and folding my clothes. And I had planned to finish sweeping and mopping the floor. Those three things are epic things that have been on my incomplete list forever.
The solution is to shift focus. Take action. My body tingles again as I find this clarity. I will stop overthinking now. I will fold and unpack this closet today. The experience that you have been trying to prepare me for over and over again is understood now.
I am in the world, whether I want to be or not. Although living in these walls with very little drama is safe, it is not invigorating. It is not fun. It is not joyful. It is not exciting. It is a waste of my gifts, talents and capacity.
The truth is, if I want to be fulfilled in any form or fashion, I will have to take the risk of living again. And what I know is that the time is now. Can you believe that with all of the things I’ve been through in life, this moving forward after being hurt… this finishing up of a cleaning of a closet… is the most frightening. And the cure is bravery. I want to find a way to make bravery fun and easy.
I see the story I have in my mind – me, trembling, shaking, triumphing. What if I could sing instead? Put on some music and laugh out loud like a maniac? I believe that I can do it. I’m doing it now. Finally…
I guess it takes time to heal. This took about four hours and I am grateful for four hours given to heal lifetimes of trauma. Four hours to finally show up for myself in life.
xx
Day 586
Four Hours To Move On
I woke up this morning with the idea “I don’t know”. I can’t post this until I finish my action items from yesterday, though, which was to finish doing the clothes in my closet. My mind tells me I don’t know how to make it through this time of my life.
So many different ideas float through. The idea that I can’t trust anyone floated through in my meditation today. The idea of war… I grew up in a warrior’s culture. I suppose most of the world is this way. What is funny and sad is that most people don’t like living in a warrior’s culture, but we teach our children how to survive in a warrior’s culture, as we should, but never teach them or even give them the idea that the world could be something different. And so we never learn to trust each other. We never learn to be trustworthy. We never learn to be at source of creating our reality, but only learn how to survive in the world we inherited. We never learn how to create a new world.
My housemate is here. I still kind of hate his guts. He plays angry preaching sermons all morning. The pastor yells about all the evils in the world and how to protect yourself from them. He cooked breakfast this morning. For the past month, we had made an agreement that he was supposed to cook breakfast and I was supposed to cook dinner. He only cooked breakfast twice – because he had decided that he doesn’t eat breakfast anymore and only eats starting at noon. So forget about me and my breakfast. I finally got sick of rushing home every night to cook elaborate meals for him. If I was by myself, I’d eat out and eat different things that are easier to cook. I had a conversation with him about him not keeping his agreement. He apologized. Said he would keep his agreement and cook breakfast from now on. The next day? He didn’t. Told me I should understand because he woke up late (at noon). The next day, he didn’t cook breakfast. Told me I should understand because he want to work early. I just happened to have been sick on that day and was totally over him. The third day, at around 11:42am, he was in his room, and I messaged him and told him this cooking agreement didn’t seem to be working and we needed to see what we could do about it. He came out to talk to me about it. Said he had just planned to go and cook breakfast when he saw my message. Told me that I should understand because he woke up late.
So then I asked him what time he planned on cooking breakfast, since he generally doesn’t get up before noon, and that makes it lunch time. He couldn’t give me a time. Started telling me how I should understand why he hadn’t cooked so far. Making excuses. I was thoroughly fed up (said and thought with a native accent). Told him to leave me alone. Sent him a message saying that my new agreement with him is that I will keep my agreement when he keeps his. If he doesn’t cook breakfast, I ain’t cooking no dinner for him. I didn’t cook dinner…. He came home and made dinner for both of us. He doesn’t know how to cook anything, so it was sandwiches. This morning, he cooked breakfast.
This is the warrior world I find myself in, where kindness is seen as weakness and one must demand consideration and good treatment and give harsh consequences before they receive love and care.
This is not the warrior world I want to be in… I didn’t know this is what this blog was coming to. This is not the warrior world I want to be in. And my spirit says, “vision it and create it”.
This is what it has been leading me to. The world I want to be in is full of joy. High vibrations. But I come from a warrior culture. The thought on my mind today was “Know”.
Always, we are looking for guidance outside of ourselves. Other people’s books, other people’s ideas, authority figures, counselor’s, therapists, etc, etc, in order to know what to do. Where do those people get their knowledge? How do they know what to do? And what happens if they are not around? Shouldn’t there be a time when we read the books, see the counselor’s, learn, and then we, too, know what to do and teach others? I am asking this question of myself.
I am asking myself how to use my warrior heritage to fight for the world and the life I envision. I am asking myself what the solution is to this stupid dynamic between me and housemate. “Cut it out”, is the answer that comes quick. He had become the center of your focus. Cut it out. Let him be. He is not your partner. You are not equally yoked by any form or fashion. You have helped each other grow, and that is your purpose in each other’s life. You have opened him to know how to love more and he has closed you and taught you boundaries and focus. Let the gift be exchanged and give thanks for it.
And now your focus is Love. You have proven to yourself that you can fight. But you have always known that you can fight… Take all your things back and let go of everything that isn’t yours. Let go of everything that is not love, and pay attention to everything that is. Love is here now, even in this moment. So appreciate it. Let stupid face be stupid. Or nice. Or whatever. But don’t give too much energy to his shenanigans.
This is the lesson of your life, you know? Be grateful. What is the lesson, you ask? To Be Of Source. Because you are a born Leader. There is no escaping it. It is who you are. It is why life has been so hard for you. No, you don’t fit in here. You were never made to fit in. You were made to come with new things. And you have not fit in because you have been trying to fit in instead of recognizing that your mission is to bring new things. New things that other people’s spirits are also wanting. Love and Love and Love and Love and Love and Love and Love and Love and Love.
And you, my sweet warrior? This can be more than words. This can be more than a blog. This can be a life. Yes, your entire life can change. Your entire life is changing. Do it on purpose now. Be a warrior for your life. Figure out what that looks like. What does it look like? What does Sovereignty look like for you? What does it look like to be a mother? How does it feel to be the boss? You are the boss, you know. Stop being afraid of it. Release the associations the world has given you. Boss does not mean lonely. Boss does not mean hated. Boss does not mean harshness and judgment always.
You give these experiences to yourself. Boss means Love. Boss means Love. I know you don’t understand yet that God Loves you and life Loves you because life has been kicking your butt. But understand that life meaning is what you give it. Can you understand that? Life’s meaning is what you give it.
Try and see where life is loving you. Like in this moment. Where you have time and space to read a blog. To write a blog. In this moment. You have time and space to figure things out. In this moment. You have the resources to buy food or grow food and you have cooked food in the kitchen. This moment. You have shelter from the cold. This moment. Your brain works. This moment. Just appreciate what is here and see how more comes.
I will be here more this month. Happy, joyous June!
Know… Sweet Warrior, Know.
Day 584
Know… Sweet Warrior, Know
I am feeling sad… Many years ago, I saw a therapist for the first time. She said that I had been disassociating, meaning I wasn’t feeling my feelings. When she asked me why I didn’t feel my feelings, I said it was because I didn’t have time. I had to get up and do stuff – work and survive, and I didn’t have time to feel my feelings because they may be too heavy and stop me in my tracks.
The therapist said something that meant that my unprocessed feelings were stopping me whether or not I made time to feel them. She suggested that whenever I feel any feelings, I stop in my tracks and write about them and feel them… And we did that experiment for some time. And it helped me a lot. It helped me come back to my body and know how I feel in a given moment.
I am here again, full of debilitating emotion… Rage. Rage is the feeling. Indignation. Resentment. Deep, deep sadness and grief. I am glad that it’s finally not depression. An asshole came into my life… Assholes have come into my life. Asking for my life force in so many ways. Offering nothing. Playing games. Tricking.
And I am feeling quite indignant that a human being would show up at my doorstep, call my phone or send me a message with the intention of taking with no consideration of how it might disturb my peace. Correction. Considering how it may disturb my peace, knowing as much, and trying to take from me any way.
I know. This is the story of the world. This is the story of my life. But for some reason, this story has my jaw trembling today. I have had quite enough of it.
“What you gonna do about it?” my inner voice taunts.
And the answer is, nothing. I quit. At first, I was gonna do a lot about it. Push back. Fight. Find ways to keep what is mine. Make choices. Say words to push the offenders away. Fight. Don’t lose the battle for my will.
But somehow, that doesn’t seem like the right answer, and as I have a new thought, I feel the tension in the back of my head finally relax. I feel my back give in to ease.
“Stop trying to push or pull”, my wisdom recommends. “Let them bitches go.”
Yes, that is my wisdom saying bitches. Men bitches, too. Let them asses go. I am, quite frankly, sick of this shit.
God? I’m mad at you? You’ve been making things too hard for me. You say I haven’t followed through, and that’s true, but you’ve made everything so hard to follow through on. You deliver hoards of demons to my front door and leave me by myself to fight them. It’s not fair. It has been too hard for me. You say I am a warrior. But I don’t always want to fight… You keep talking to me and I don’t want to write it. I don’t want to hear it. I want to be taken care of.
I want to pick up my phone or let someone into my life and they are not trying to hurt me. Is it too much to ask for? Is love too much to ask for me?
I know deep down that I am not unloved, but sometimes it really feels like it. Vampires always eating me. Nourishment few and far in between. Lonely always. Heartbroken always. I am as tired of writing the story as you are of reading it. But change it, I haven’t been able to. Disappointed in myself for the life I am living. It is not much of what I wanted… The other day I told my mentor that the only thing I wanted in life was to love and be loved, and my mentor said that God is Love or that God Loves me.
And I didn’t understand. And I still don’t. Why has it been so hard for me to be safe and Loved, God? I’m tired…
You say let go and follow through. There is never pity or mercy even in my own mind…
One of the things I’ve been wanting to do for a while is another blog entry. This is not the best, but I think I’ll post it anyway. Follow through any way.
I got sick the other day. I’m on the mend now, but whenever I get sick, a lucidness comes with it. It made me realize the shittyness of this particular relationship that I was engaging in. And it made me realize the shittyness of particular venture proposal that came my way. And I felt sad that I always seem to either be on the defense, trying hard for people not to pimp me, or I’m getting pimped.
I wonder who are these people who people actually want to love and pour into, and how do I become one of them? Who are these people who have someone in their lives who protects them when they are weak or unable to protect themselves, instead of trying to exploit or kick them when they’re down? Will I ever be one of them? Will I always be fending for myself?
Who are these people who are actually supp –
– You say stop complaining. These people that you speak of are you. Don’t negate it. Don’t say but. Recognize it and make it your life. Be powerful now. For your own good. You are right. It’s enough now. I have been trying to push, bang, plea with, negotiate, coddle and cajole you into accepting your own power. Please. Accept it now. I have told you what to do time and time again. Please. Do it now. Today. Please. It’s time.
-It’s enough. Just follow through. I know. People are hurting you. I know. It’s all stupid. Don’t focus on. Join hands with the people who are good to you. Acknowledge them. Recognize them. And then follow through. Now. Ok?
Thank you for feeling your feelings and letting them pass through.
Bless you.
I Love you. Go finish doing the clothes in your closet.
Sincerely,
Laydie
Day 583
Follow Through
Energy. That is what is on the mind right now. I got off a phone call. High. My coach. Success Coach. I got off the line with my success coach. I have a success coach. I had one some years ago. 2020 to be exact. I worked with her for a little over a year. A year and a half. And then we reached a block.
It was 2022. I had made so much progress. When I had started working with her, I had picked up a script I’d been working on for ages and started working on it again. Made it really far. Registered my farm business. Made a lot of progress with that. Was in a groove. But then emotional stuff hit. No one ever plans for the inner things and we don’t give the inner things the credence they deserve.
A lot of things had happened in that time. My grandma had died tragically. I had a fallout with a close family member whom I loved dearly. Actually, I had a fallout with several family members over the course of those years. In addition to my success coach, I had started seeing a brilliant therapist. Between the two of these amazing ladies, they poured so much love and encouragement into me.
But my personal life was full of shit. Dysfunctional relationships with men. Family relationships were falling apart. Lifelong friendships were becoming strained. In the aftermath of my most recent personal fallout, and also after having received a bulk sum of money, and shortly after my grandma’s death, I went to a hotel overseas and took refuge there.
And I worked with my success coach weekly until I couldn’t. I couldn’t work with her because I couldn’t work with her. I was too depressed. I was stuck. I didn’t have the words at the time, but due to all the pain and trauma I had experienced, I was terrified of participating in the world again and my nervous system was totally disregulated and I couldn’t take one more action step without having panic attacks, muscle spasms, breathing issues and deep depression.
And so, every week, I wouldn’t do the work I was assigned to do until finally our time together ran out.
I spent two years and a half years not working with her. In 2022, I went through an amazing, healing, group therapy program (I call it group therapy, but the program facilitator calls it a somatic workshop). In the program, we learned how to get in touch with our bodies and listen to the cues our nervous system was giving us so that we could know when we are safe and unsafe in the world.
It was life changing. We learned the language of energy, which I had always known but never respected. We learned about boundaries. We learned about meeting our needs and nourishing ourselves. We learned how to regulate our nervous systems. We learned how to honor our life purpose… It was quite a grueling process. But we learned it. I learned it. It wasn’t just a course. I learned it, y’all!
My jaw is trembling at the moment. I’m so, so proud of myself. I’m so proud of myself. I learned how not to give a shit. Can’t say I learned that all the way, because I still give a shit sometimes and wish people I love and like would love and like me and treat me certain ways. But I learned how to process disappointment and cope if and when they don’t and still go on with life.
My God, I am grateful. I am really grateful to have made it to a place where I am not overcome by my feelings. Moreover, I am grateful to have reached a place where I am not overcome by other people’s feelings. That is the game changer…
Two years after not working with my success coach, I received an email from her with a special program. I started working back with her this April. I love her. I love meeting with her. I love telling her about my week. I love doing the work I’m supposed to do in between meetings. I can do the work now, even when heavy emotions are present. Today, she told me that she’s proud of me. She told me that I have invested a lot for my inner healing and growth and now I have the inner foundation for an amazing life and she can’t wait to see how things unfold.
I had never looked at it like that before. Honestly, I’d just been fighting for my life and my peace of mind and reaching out to anyone who I thought could help me…
A few minutes ago, I asked a houseguest of mine to wear headphones instead of blasting his television show in my ear while he sits in my space while I write my blog. He complied. He looked at me with an attitude. I could care less and don’t mind asking him to move out if he begins to make my life worse than before he came.
I need you to understand, though, that two years ago, I would not have asked him to put the movie on a headset. Instead, I would have sat here annoyed that I’m sitting in my space unable to concentrate because guest was blasting a loud movie. Or I would have ran away to a different room so I could think. I would have done anything to please guest and make him comfortable and get his approval, even inconvenience myself to the max.
No mas. I am proud of myself. I’ve actually been investing in my healing and well-being. Like, who am I? How dare I? Who do I think I am? I am a good person. Can you believe it? Me. I am a good person and I deserve good things.
Thank you, God.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Ameen
Day 582 – A Good Person (Inner Things)
I read an old post of mine and I am inspired. “22.10 – The Cost of a Revelation”. It’s 4:23am…
I just took 25 minutes writing a post and then deleted it because I was talking about a bunch of people who don’t want to be in my blog. I’m not quite sure what to write about, as “follow through”, “let go”, and “be seen” are on my mind. “Protect yourself” is also somewhere in there. “Why I write”, assholes, stretching, cleaning up my apartment, eviction, work, men, babies… All these things on the mind.
In my old post that I just read, it was 2014. I was thinking about quitting my job because they were harassing me. I was scared to do so because of the unknown… I talked about life and evolving and here I am, ten years later. I had quit my job and my whole life changed. I haven’t worked a bonafide full time 9 to 5 job since. It has really been a decade of falling apart…
And today’s blog is about follow through. I’m closing my eyes. Putting my feet on the ground. I woke up to the message, “won’t you give yourself a chance?” You’re not a kid anymore. I know you want to be because you want to be taken care of, but it is time to take care of yourself and watch God work wonders in your life.
I have a lot to say. I know you want to hear the story. Where have I been and what have I been up to and what will I be doing. Who, what, where, when and why… I have been dying for about a year. Sick and alone and angry and grieving. I’ve been mostly in my apartment or in another country chasing a man who didn’t fully choose me. I’ve been heartbroken about the falling apart of so many relationships. And very, very angry about the audacity of people to treat me like shit and still ask me for stuff. I’ve been afraid to be a part of the world and have spent most of my time in the four walls of my apartment, only with people who soothe my nervous system. I’ve been healing by actually being forced to witness my brokenness. Like, for real forced. Just about every month, due to health issues, I’ve been having breakdowns wherein I feel everything within me that is unresolved. This past month, there wasn’t so much anymore. Just a lot of grief and the realization that my heart had been closed off…
I’ve been facing a never ending illegal eviction which I am in the right for.
Somehow in the midst of it, I’ve traveled to an amazing retreat center that felt like home. I was a music video girl with my international Lover and had the time of my life with him even though we didn’t work out… I Loved him all the way. I don’t think I had Loved like that in over twenty years and it felt so, so good to be in Love… My People has become my people and he invited me into his inner circle and has been invested in helping me with my life. He introduced me to his friends as “someone dear to his heart”. I found my religion and joined a group of people who pray with me. We did a 90 day prayer thing that was awesome. I started working part-time with a friend of mine who sells jewelry at my spiritual center, and I love putting the jewelry pieces out to be seen and wondering who will buy them. And I love spending time with my friend. He is nice to me… My old Bestie and his brother came and helped me with my life for some months, and other friends and family members have come and help me, too. I have been helped and Loved in the midst of my health crisis. It has been a time mixed with so many feelings…
And now? The health crisis is not necessarily resolved. I don’t trust my doctors so I won’t do what they say. But I need more money to get better doctors. Or, rather, I need to use my resources better. And I am up early crying my eyes out as I complete this chapter out loud and step into the next part of life.
I randomly picked an old blog to read this morning, and I popped upon $22.10. I had no idea that the blog would be talking about a vision of my life that I am finally ready to live into, a decade later. A happy man. A family. Children. Living in my purpose. That is what I will be doing. Not all motivational and gung ho. I’m not feeling particularly motivated at the moment. I forced myself up and I’m forcing my thighs to relax because they want to tighten up and I want to run at the thought of finishing this blog entry. I’ve been wanting to write in this blog for a while but haven’t been able to.
What I’m feeling this morning is committed, though. Committed to showing up for myself. It’s a new thing. I don’t want to say too much or make too many promises. I think I’d like to do this season slow and easy and with much help and support. Slowly, gently, powerfully, as my old coach used to say, I will show up little by little in the ways that matter most. Imperfect but whole. With all my ugly pieces tagging along. They have gotten me this far, you know. And I love them all.
This blog entry doesn’t have a theme all tied up in a bow because I have to get started with my day but I want to make sure I post something…
I’m grateful to be alive, y’all. Thanks for reading. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you… I Love you.
Imperfect And Whole
And today is another one of those days. Anxiety all in body. It’s not a disease. It’s a result of a lifestyle, and it fixable with lifestyle changes.
I’m emotional this morning. I think it’s fear. I was sitting on the floor, but I moved to the couch. My couch is slanted. I got a new base for it because the old base broke, and my friend put it together for me, but somehow its slanted… I’m sure that does something to you, to always be sitting in a slanted couch. My former Lover’s grandmother died. She raised him as her son…
A new guy came into my life last week. Offered everything I wanted. We were even supposed to start making a baby this past weekend. But he had a big cold sore on his mouth and he lied and said it was a bug bite. And he was very overbearing. Wanted to be in my space at all times asking me to give him my attention. And quite frankly, I wasn’t interested in giving him my attention. He was boring and low energy. Wanted to talk about stuff like his old aunties and court cases and traumas that happened to people he knows and the evils of the world. Then he’d shift it and ask me if I wanted him to buy me food or do my feet, etc. He bought me a lot of stuff, which was different for me. It’s been a while since I’ve dated a guy who wanted to give me stuff.
Prior to dating him, I lived with two brothers. My best friend and his brother had come to visit. They did stuff for me, too. But it wasn’t them buying me stuff. Or rather, it was buying me stuff that I actually cared about and wanted. The brother bought flowers. It was amazing. I don’t normally get flowers unless it’s my birthday. But this guy bought flowers for the dining room table and he bought me an orchid and he calls on the watering dates to remind me to water it. That was so special to me. And my friend would regularly help me with stuff. He’d help me do this meditation thing I was doing. If I was tired, he’d sit with me and read the meditation thing to me. It’s a 90 day meditation program where I have to read certain things twice a day. He bought me cake after the 30th day and after the 45th day… to celebrate my progress. And both of these brothers stood guard and protected me from mean people and helped me with stuff and took out trash and cleaned up and cooked and laughed with me and showed interest in the things I was interested in. And we went places together and had fun and they held my hand and prayed with me and hugged me when I needed hugs. It was one of the best experiences my life. And the one brother called me “beautiful” or “love” almost every day and he meant it and he made me tea and cut the lemons real pretty and set it up for me in the mornings while I was meditating.
After that experience of being poured into, there’s no way I could be with a fuddy duddy that comes over wanting to eat my energy. He did things, too, but the energy was off. And I was thinking to write about something else this morning, but I think what I’m writing about is energy.
Before I go there, though, Spirit had told me to consolidate what I received in meditation. “Know what you know.” I had been confused about what to do in this day and where to start. Yesterday, I had meditated and prayed and written for several hours and my energy was heightened. So, let me share a thing with you. Normally, I don’t like to have heightened energy, because it’s very uncomfortable. It’s painful, almost. So if I get to a state of heightened energy, I quickly try to dissipate it. What is heightened energy, you ask? Let me try and explain. My whole body feels tingly and sensitive. I guess it would be similar to how someone feels when they’re horny, but it’s not quite horny. I fell excited. I feel like anything is possible… I just had an aha moment. The problem comes when I feel this way and nothing amazing happens. And so, I think I learned a protective measure. In order to stop from being disappointed in this heightened state, I dissipate the energy quickly by doing something physical or getting into someone’s business and giving energy to them. But what if I didn’t? What if, instead, I used this energy to take action towards something I think is amazing? What if nothing amazing happens because I don’t try and make anything amazing happen? What a concept. Oh. That was my message this morning.
Follow Through. My former Lover messaged me and threw me off. Somehow I think I will be with him by the end of the month. His energy is pulling me towards him. I literally just saw a message from him. He’s trying to be my friend again. I don’t know if y’all keep up with my life, but a little over a year ago, I had met a man. He lives in another country. He’s younger than me. I fell in Love with him. I’m not sure if he fell in Love with me. I think he did, but didn’t quite want to be in love because it made him feel trapped. And he was used to being a single ho. I know about being a single ho. Excuse my language. But it is what it is. It’s a state of mind that I know very well. It’s an imaginary place. You say you want a relationship, but your thoughts about relationships are not congruent. You plan a life by yourself. You plan to make your own money, do your own career… Your bed has one dresser by it, if any. Your life has room for one. You hang with a lot of people from the opposite sex, never quite being vulnerable to any of them. I know that life. My former Lover changed it for me. It was so weird. It didn’t happen automatically. I had to be intentional about it. But at some point, I chose him. Just him. I Loved him all the way. It was the most amazing thing I’ve ever done.
We broke up because whatever whatever, and I haven’t been in touch with him in about four months. And I’ve met about four guys in these four months. They a’ight. But mostly mean assess. I’m cussing in this blog. It’s a bit unfiltered. Sorry, y’all. No filter today. They were mean asses. An Iranian guy who wanted to have sex with me immediately but didn’t want to do any sex checks. A young drummer guy whose name I just can’t seem to remember who also wanted to have sex immediately and also wanted to have the freedom to whore around and also wanted no sex checks to take place. My neighbor who was willing to have sex checks and do all the right things and court me on one condition: I jump, hop and skip on his command otherwise he’ll punish me. And then this new guy. Similar vibe as my neighbor. He’s trying to smother me and make sure he’s in my space all day every day so that I don’t have time or space to meet anyone else. And that’s fine and dandy, but not. Cus I don’t like him… I may be getting too real here. He doesn’t see me. He sees what he wants a woman to be for him and wants to mold me into that. And he’s a bit resentful that I come with my own things.
But I digress. What am I writing about in this blog? The energy in my leg has become very painful. I’m trying very hard to call my energy back into my body, but it’s with him. My former Lover. I want him. I might as well surrender, because I’m not going to be able to resist being with him. So there you have it. Focus of blog has changed just like that.
Get my act together so I can go be with my Love. My friends will come stay in my place and help me manage my life and film empire until my baby comes back with me in April. If that’s what I want. Lawdamercy. My old guy will give me all the money I want and need if I just ask him… Just like that? Yep.
God is telling me that whatever I want will happen at this moment. I have crossed over to the other side. Will I follow through now and make space and step into a new life, or do I just want to be here forever hoping and wishing and writing about things that I won’t allow to happen? Will I allow myself to be fulfilled? In real time? Not in fantasyland. In real time. I’m not on the other side of happy anymore. I’m not depressed anymore. I’m not confused anymore. I’m just pretending like I am because I’m used to being that way. And I feel afraid of being any other way because at least I know how to manage the darkness I’ve experienced. I don’t know how I will manage if I actually hope for my dreams to come true and they don’t happen.
So, fear spoke to me this morning and said it will help me. I can use it. It is useful. It teaches me caution and planning and it teaches me to pay attention to energy and pay attention to myself and my health and what’s good for me. And it tells me what I need to be safe. So consult with it. Partner with it.
-What I want you to do, Laydie, is go into a flow state. For fifteen minutes, embody fulfillment. You can do this. You are strong and powerful. You can have anything you want. But it’s not about you having anything you want. It’s about you being who you are. A beautiful flower. A fruit bearing tree. Capture this. It isn’t magic. It is you anchoring yourself so that you be who you are meant to be… After you have embodied fulfillment in your body – it is possible for you to Love and be Loved by a man who treats you well, supports you, admires and respects and wants you whole heartedly and someone you love and admire and respect wholeheartedly – Your Lover wants to do this. You can feel it. Don’t run from it, but don’t hold him to it. Let him be your muse, knowing it is possible to be inspired, activated, interested in life and vibrancy. That is what you’ve always longed for. You’ve longed to be alive. You’ve longed to be safe. You’ve wanted to be able to be safe. And now you’ve learned how. The world is not the one who is going to keep you safe. You are. Not just by hiding in your house and room. But by learning. Ummm hmmm. By being intentional. By trusting your body. It tenses up when there is pain and unsafety. Believe it. And it loosens up and becomes excited when there is love, vibrancy and alignment. It’s enough writing now. You are delaying. Do one thing at a time. Fifteen minutes. Embody fulfillment. Learn to feel good about fulfillment instead of being afraid of it. It’s a frequency you are learning to hold… Then on to the next thing. I Love you.
xxx
Day 581
Fulfillment
He told me to use my words. This was the miracle if I chose it to be. Write my story how I want it to be…
A new story. Part of me struggles to let go of the old. Part of me doesn’t believe. But the deeper part of me knows that this is the direction we have been going all our lives and if we choose, we will have arrived in a new place.
I have to close my eyes to choose. There is a man at the dining room table in my apartment. He brought flowers in the apartment for me yesterday. Sponsored groceries last night and I bought spaghetti fixins and yesterday he and his brother – my best friend – brought water for me, which I am drinking this morning.
I am happy. I was going to say I have no reason, but actually, I do. I am supported and Loved. I was going to say I don’t know how to receive this, but I am cognizant of using my words. I do. I do know how to receive this. Like this. With eyes closed. Taking in the good. Milking this moment.
The good is that I am not alone… My friend told me to start life in the present and stop referring to the past as a reference point, and it’s a habit I’ll have to learn how to break.
In the present, my Best Friend is here and we are best friends again after so much turmoil between us. I’ve missed him. We don’t hate each other any more. His presence is helping me. We talked out our issues. They are over. And I am full of Love and gratitude for a friend who helps me clean my kitchen, and whose presence gets me off the couch and bed and makes me do what’s needed to be active in the world.
And in the present, my friend has also brought his brother with him. A gypsy beautiful man full of songs that sound like bubbles. He brings flowers, takes up space with fairy energy, and asks how you sleep. They are both protectors and providers. They are taking care of me. They listen to my guidance and allow me to help them as well.
They don’t hate me. They want me to win because they think that if I win, then they win. And it is true. I don’t know if this has ever happened in my life and so I am intentionally taking it in…
I am surrounded by beautiful men. A dream come true…
My friend said to use my words. And who is my friend, you ask. MY PEOPLE! From years ago. I wanted him to marry me and be my baby daddy, but he didn’t do that. But guess what he did do? He stuck around. He’s been around for years. Advising me. Helping me. Giving tangible support. Being a solid example that I can be Loved and cared for. He has been so consistent that guess what? I’m starting t believe him.
I cleaned out my bathroom today so my new angel brother won’t have to bathe in filth. It smells really good now. I am glad to have people around who make me get up and do the stuff I always wanted to do just by their presence.
I set boundaries this morning. The men wanted to talk to me and I said no. Told them my usual schedule. They honored and respected it. I will happily engage with them once done doing what I need to do. I’ve never been able to do this before. Most people in my life have never responded to my boundaries and my need to put energy into my own intentions with positivity before…
I won’t write too long because there’s much to do today…
My friend said to use my words to create a miracle in my life. He said I’d been creating all the stories I’ve already lived, and now I can create a new one. I can command a miracle. I know. It sounds blasphemous. A less blasphemous way to put it would be to say that I can make inspired definite plans and intentions, follow through with them, stay focused, set boundaries and watch my life unfold. It has already been happening these past few months.
Or I could approach this magically and say I’m writing a new story about my life. I like the magic part and I will integrate the planning stuff into this as well.
So, in the magic world, this woman, who goes by the name Laydie and other names, crosses over on this day. She didn’t think it was possible. Her life had been so bad for so long that peace and fulfillment had just become far out dreams never to be hers. But somehow, God had mercy on her. Fate had mercy on her. She must have done something good. Maybe it was the blessing of that albino boy that she was nice to years ago before she even knew that she was a pretty girl and folks expected her to be mean to people who looked a certain way… Maybe it was the hug she gave that teen many years ago when he was suffering… Maybe it was her helping her mean neighbor clear out the estate of his dead mom and not returning his meanness with meanness.
As stories generally have an instigation, I believe it was the awful, painful, mean, shitty year she had been through and her facing death every month. I believe it was the phone call she got where someone she loved finitely and had wanted approval from most of her life said “You are bad” that fed her quite the f*uck up. She finally realized that she’s just not that bad and this bullshit life was enough.
Life forced her to process her pain. And she did. She felt it. She cried. She writhed. She yelled. She prayed. She begged. And finally, she surrendered.
And this is where we find her in the story. Surrendered. With three people in her apartment using her apartment just the way she intended – one in the room, one in the dining room, and her in her makeshift living room office – all doing their own work, she recognized a miracle as it happened.
She had prayed for this. She had intended this. It was manifesting. The energy was good. And three people who had been starving for mutual good will, community and productivity… and might I mention Love, ease and a bit of spice, were experiencing.
The girl, me – the woman who kept calling herself a girl but in this moment decided to call herself girl no more and identify as woman goddess – The woman goddess Laydie chose to know the way to accept miracles. The woman goddess Laydie chose to live a miracle now. I chose to live a miracle now.
This is the part of my life where things turn around. I triumph. I am triumphing. I am no longer facing the world. Who is the world? People just like me. I have a say in how it goes. So the world now faces me, too. My will. My energy. My power is restored. And I use it for my own benefit, for I know that my own benefit inevitably benefits millions – yes, I said millions – of people.
What does it look like in a very mundane way? How does a miracle manifest day to day? For me, I complete my clean-up today. Did I mention that my apartment is clean and organized and people call it beautiful when they visit? But there are few things to do. I follow-up on a phone call to check if lead is in my apartment, which will ensure I’m environmentally safe. I follow-up on a phone call to see about some rent things to make sure I have housing. I follow-up on a submission – is it today, God? Yes, it is today. I follow up on a submission of my work to someone who wants to read it. That is the miracle for today.
I speak with my men protectors and we make a plan.
The miracle is here. And this time, I receive it… Ameen.
Day 580
The Miracle (Use Your Words) (A New Story)
hownottocryeveryday 