Day 574 – Sad Things (Take Action Anyway)

Hey y’all. My mind is running wild. Constipated expression. A lot happens all the time and a lot has happened as usual. I want to check in before I get this day on the road. Maybe I’ll talk about what is so so that I can calm my nerves and get on with the day and you can, too.

What is so is that I’m sitting at a desk in my apartment in Los Angeles. I’m home alone. I have on a long black skirt, a cute red and cream shirt with open shoulders, and an orange overskirt because it’s cold and I don’t have my heater on. I just got done making and then drinking a smoothie – one apple, a piece of mango because some of the mango was rotten, coconut water, and half of a frozen banana. It was delicious and I drank it all down in one gulp. Then I listened to a voice note from a friend of mine who had called twenty minutes earlier. He had called to see if he could come by and give my car a jump, but I missed his call, and his voice note said that he was now going home and wouldn’t be available till the evening.

I put apple cider vinegar on my hair and skin today because I’ve been having scalp and skin issues that haven’t been cured by medicine and apple cider vinegar seems to make an impact. It stinks like stinky feet though. I smell like stinky feet. Lol. But I’m home alone, so I’m not offending anyone.

I feel sad. I’m not quite sure why. I could find a reason. The sadness is a tremor in my cheeks and a quivering of my lower lip, which juts out like a pout already. I believe I’m pouting my already pouty lower lip at the moment and my teeth are chattering.

What is present to me is that this day, if I take one more step, I will move forward, and I feel afraid to do as much because let’s face it, my life out in the world has been mostly painful for me.

I woke up this morning wondering how to find something to look forward to when there is nothing tangible to look forward to. And if you can’t see something tangible to look forward to, where do you get the momentum to try again, especially if the trying is particularly hard?

I had a boyfriend. I’m thinking about him right now. We broke up almost a month ago. I was in love with him. Can you believe I fell in love? After all this time, I am still capable of love. When he was around, I looked forward to a life with him…. I lived a dream, y’all. He was amazing. He’s a singer and music producer and I love his music. I love his vibe. He’s pure passion and joy. And wild, free masculinity. I got to be a video girl in one his music videos. He always leaned into me and held my hand when I was with him. I wasn’t with him long… What happened? He was also full of shit. We were full of shit. We couldn’t make it past the fantasy of being together. The real life part that consisted of people getting sick and showing up for each other when it’s not easy. The real life part of facing conflict. He lied a lot and so I didn’t know what to believe or not to believe about him. But I decided to believe what he did instead of what he said, and he didn’t do much for me that I didn’t initiate. Eventually he asked me to buy him something right after I told him I was sick and didn’t have much money because I haven’t been working recently, and that’s when I broke up with him…

Now that I think of it, I know several couples whose man asks the woman for money or support or whatever whilst she is sick or straining without thinking that the woman needs support. Maybe that’s the way of the world. I get it. I just couldn’t get into that dynamic. It’s bullshit…

I got distracted. Got a message about my farm overseas… The farm was my life’s work, but it broke my heart for so many reasons. The people I tried to help? Well? It was painful to learn people’s intentions, or lack thereof for me.

What is so is that my belly feels pain in it. I’m present to a lump in my throat and tears on my face. I was talking about my ex… It almost feels like a dream. I was in a bathing suit in a South American country, on a beach, walking, and then dancing with a handsome guy, and it felt like love. It felt like passion. It felt like mutuality… We played in the ocean together… It felt like something that I don’t know if I’ve ever experienced before. I was there and he was there at the same time. We wanted to be together at the same time, and we were together, and I had something to look forward to.

Life seemed possible and interesting. My apartment was cleaned in my mind, in preparation to host my sexy man. Babies were in my belly. My career was booming and his was, too. My farm was easy because all I really needed was one person who smiled at me when I came around instead of looking at me with downturned eyes or snapping, pushing, demanding, wanting things from me that I don’t want to give and being angry with me because I’m not giving it with every interaction.

I miss him to my core. My phone is ringing… Without a man, can I look forward to anything? Without someone to love, can I look forward to life? Can I participate in life? It seems rather lame without sex and without dancing and without smiles and without something to get into that feels alive. It feels rather lame to just pay bills, or even to say, “look at me! I did this, that and the other!” without anyone who really cares or is really happy for you.

And so, I can be here again, is what my inner voice says. I can be here forever if I like. Nicer people than me have done worse. I can look at this crossroads, because that is what I’m at all over again… I can look at this crossroads, and feel this sadness and feel this tingling in my body and not do the things to move me forward… Or I can not. I can look into all this sadness and disappointment and stop pretending I know what it all means. I don’t. It means a lot of things. It came from a lot of places.

This is what real faith is, y’all. It’s a mind trick. It’s even a body trick. Your memories will tell you not to jump. You’ve been hurt before. Your experience will say, “stay in the house. Don’t call this person. Don’t talk to that person. They will hurt you. They hurt you before.” Your emotions will say, “This will never work. Stop hoping for stuff because your hope only hurts you”…

Sorry I got distracted again. I’m gonna wrap up this blog. I went online and looked at videos of me and my ex. He has our vids posted on his social media. We look so very much in love. I’m losing it, y’all. I still love him very much. I don’t really want to do life without him. You’ve never heard me say this before because it’s never happened. I guess it happened with He Who Came Before, the guy who’s breakup instigated me crying every day and then instigated this blog. I didn’t want to not do life without him. But then when I was with him, it wasn’t good. It was painful. And when he wanted to get back together, I didn’t want to…

But my Lover Lover? It’s been almost a month. I still Love him. I still think of him every blessed day. I still go on his social media and spy on him. I still miss him. My mind says he doesn’t love me or he’s just trying to use me, or he’s a liar or a cheater and still my heart Loves him. I remember when someone I know was in an abusive relationship. It was time for her to leave and she said, “but I love him”, and I thought, “but he doesn’t love you”, but couldn’t tell her. Now I am telling myself. Did he love me? The videos look like he did… Did he just want what he could get from me? A passport and entry to the United States? His actions seem so.

I have to get offline. Life is literally calling. I put in a request for something online and I got it and it’s literally being delivered to me in the next few minutes. I have to make a choice about this man of mine. This ex of mine who holds me. What if he’s an ass, y’all, which he is? I can meet someone nicer and better. But I Love him. I’ll pray about him and take an action today. I think there is more to say to him. He won’t go away from my mind. It’s not complete yet.

In the meantime, I guess I was trying to get to a place where I can participate in life and be interested in it. I’m not really, but maybe the outside and build the inside. Meaning, maybe you can just get into life and do the things, like take your medicine literally and figuratively. Maybe you don’t have to feel good to do the things that are good for you and good for life. And maybe, like taking iron pills when you have low energy and don’t feel like taking your pills, after a while, you will get energy and be interested in life again. What else are you gonna do?

I’m gonna go ahead and do the things God said to do. Today, it is throwing away some side tables that stink, cleaning out a utility closet, scheduling a group call for farm team, and doing something that could get some money, and following up on a med appointment, setting an intention for my apartment, and finalizing things with my ex. I’m clear that those things need to be done. And going outside and also talking to a cousin… I gotta now, y’all.

When there is nothing to look forward to, when you don’t feel like it, when you’re sad and can’t lift your spirits, take action anyway. That’s what I needed to get to and hopefully it helped you, too.

I picked up some free fabric from a lady who delivered it to my door. I put out two stinky end tables that were stinking out my house. Next? I’ll take five minutes to remember who I am and then do three action items before I take a break. Stay Blessed, y’all.

Love,

Laydie

Day 574

Sad Things (Take Action Anyway)