Day 575 – I Happen To Things All The Way (Completion Completion)

I happen to life all the way. I happen to things all the way. Empowered…. Those are the thoughts on my mind today.

Good morning, y’all. It’s my birthday. I don’t have a bunch of stuff planned like last birthday. It’s 3:30am in Los Angeles and I am in my apartment sitting at a desk and chair that my brother gave me. A desk that was in the guest room he planned for me in his former apartment on the marina and a chair that he had gotten for himself for good back support. My brother loved me y’all. He probably still does. Go figure.

I just finished stretching for fifteen minutes, doing nonlinear movement whilst I listened to Teeks and Gotye. Did some child’s pose variations and shoulder stand variations and some movement that I learned in kundalini yoga that I can’t remember what it’s called now. And a few things on my mind. Completion. All the way. Love. With. I broke him down. My ex. Lover Lover. I’m not sorry. I know that sounds mean, but you know something? Haven gone through a recent breakdown of most of what I had come to rely on in life, I’m realizing that breaking down is not always a bad thing. Sometimes you need to dismantle the pile of shit that your life is founded upon so that you can build a foundation that is founded on what you really want your life to be founded on.

Lover Lover was full of so much shit. He may not want to build a new foundation, but I think he did.

In the midst of my shoulder stand variation this morning, a sob came out. I thought about what I want for my birthday, and all it is is someone to Love…. I do believe that’s all I’ve really wanted for a long time. Not just someone to Love, but someone who I can Love who will Love me back. All the way. Don’t get me wrong. People love me. My brother Loved me and I am sitting at his desk because of it. But so many hurtful things happened between me and my brother as well. He rendered me homeless via text message while I was away in a foreign country unaware that he was upset with me and never acknowledged it. He’s broken my heart various times…

I want to let it all go now. All of it. All these sad, sad things that have been ruling my world. I want it over now. There must be a time that we break through. There must be a time that we evolve. There must be a time that we move on. I know, many of us spend an entire life right here in the mud. Not judging. I’m getting pretty old and I’ve been in the mud for a long time. But I don’t want this to be the rest of my life. So, on this birthday, I make a declaration. It is the missing piece, after all. Me showing up for me. Me happening all the way for me. Me throwing my back into this life just for me.

No man to please or use all my life force energy to nurture and nourish. No family to approve of me. No friends that particularly have a pull on my awareness. There is just me with wounds and scars from a lifetime of trying this, that and the other, and also lessons, should I choose to see them.

I am thinking about what rituals I should do today as my morning practice. Should I pray the way my childhood religion taught? I’ve learned so many other things these past days and I do believe it’s time for me to choose my religion, or my path, as you will. My childhood religion is so boring and judgy, though. There’s no room for twerking in it and people feel entitled to treat you like a rabid dog on the street if they think you’re not practicing it according to how they think it should be practiced. I think I have a bit of resentment about it because of how we were raised. I felt resented and hated for so much because I did things and wanted things that were not aligned with what I was supposed to do and want according to my religion.

Do you know what I want to be? One of those people who know what to do and are able to do it. Instead of being one of those people who is always asking other people what to do about my own life and unable to take action for transformation.

Let’s know. Let’s be sovereign. Let’s be grown ups. Today today. With my big age. I like the concept of praying often. It feels good. I want a massage today, from some loving hands. Dang! Is there anyone I know with Loving hands that would squeeze these shoulders right? What I can commit to as a lifetime spirituality and grounding practice is to put my feet on Earth every blessed day whilst getting in touch with my Soul and the primary intention of my life. That’s for life. That’s what we can commit to for life – worst case scenario, sick day, traveling, heartache. For now, though, I am in recovery and so intense healing and medicine is needed to stabilize my life structures… I want to be complete by the end of this month. I want to finish my intensive healing, within a week, as intensive healing goes, and then get into life slowly after a week, as healing goes, and within a month, be in the groove of something new.

And here is where creative powers and integration come into play. Commit. Show up. Reach out. What exactly is needed to complete a whole healing in a week? The things I already told you, God says. I’ve got to get off this writing in a bit. Fear tries to creep in, but faith and power, we will speak to it and say, “This is over. It’s time to move on and become who we were made to be.” God says write things out step by step. Three things in a day. We can do this. Three things in a day is 21 things complete and six things in a day is 42 things complete. By seven days, after we finally learn to source support, we will average six to nine things in a day. Our first task is to reach out and get support. A new and vulnerable thing for us. Focus and discipline are the challenges. We have already done the hard, hard work of letting go of all these men from the past. Can you believe it? Men have ruled my life for so, so long. I love ’em. I’ve been looking for spaces and places to connect and compromising my values and my inner knowings just to not be alone.

But it doesn’t get me anywhere but in a relationship and alone… And so my Spirit says, Get you some money, honey. Keep completing things all the way and preparing. Get my body and my health right… It’s time. I don’t know all the details, but I gave myself an hour to write this blog and my hour is almost up. So I’ll be a writer like I am. It’s finally time to be an artist. I’ve never called myself that. I’m an artist. I’m the only who didn’t know it. I’m an artist and it’s time to be one. To do stuff in the world. I’ve been so afraid and I’ve had every reason in the world to continue incomplete – emotional breakdowns, physical breakdowns… Don’t get me started. Time to put in the work. Step one: Make a plan. Literally, like hourly day plan. Step two: work it.

Life and things cannot happen for me all the way if I will not happen for life and things all the way. So it’s time to put on my big girl panties and get on with it.

Y’all have a good day.

Bless you.

xx

Laydie

Day 575

I Happen to Things All The Way (Completion Completion)