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Day 481 – To Love and Forgive (My Mother)

What a day to be alive.

I am overflowing with gratitude. I am coming to understand something bigger than me, and what a day to be alive.

Love. Love is bigger than me. I don’t want to preach today. I don’t want to tell you about all of the rollercoasters that are always waiting to be ridden once I step outside of my house.

I want to mention, though, about my sub-letters, a brother and sister who had been living in my apartment since mid August and who were supposed to be staying in my apartment for the month of September and who decided to tell me on September 1 that they would indeed be living in my apartment, but they were not going to pay me to live there. -_-

I had quite an adventure figuring out what to do about them a couple days ago. But I did the right thing. In the midst of the drama, I prayed and I asked God what I should do. I asked what action would bring the highest possible results for everyone involved. And I did the right thing. I kicked their asses out.

Now I am sitting outside on the patio of my mom’s residence. Crickets are chirping. It’s 11:06pm. Mom and I talked today. Just talked and bonded. And I Love her like I never did before. I just love her. I know she’s not perfect. I know she’s got all kinds of issues and there are things that I don’t like about her personality, etc. But there are things that I Love about her. Like I Love how she will give her last dime to help people. I Love how giving she is. I Love that she’s really brilliant and wise and strong and she takes action on things. I love how she calls a spade a spade and can’t fake about things even when she tries. I Love my mother’s laugh, full of joy and delight. I Love my mother. And today, I let my mother love me.

She is not the story book mom that I would have drawn up in one of my imaginations. We have fought about so much for most of my life. Mostly, I have been fighting her for the right to be me, and not her, and she has been fighting to show me that being her is good. And today, some kind of way, we understood each other. We didn’t say it out loud. We talked about things – my friends, our different choices in life, the way I handled my subletting situation – but some kind of way, I felt like my mom was finally giving me permission to be me; and I think she felt that I was finally seeing that being her is good.

And we came to this place while she is alive, while I can still hug her, and not after someone had died and I’m writing a remorseful blog. We came to a place of Love and understanding. I Love my mother at last, and she Loves me.

There are parts of me that are such a little girl, and I am ok with them. I am ok today, and I am just so grateful to be ok.

I want to Love and forgive. That is what I want to do with my life. Love and forgive. And I’m ok with that…

That you, Allah. Ameen.

Day 481
To Love and Forgive (My Mother)

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Day 480 – They Walked Like Women (Dance Camp)

Hey.

I’m on a train. Back to my life after living a dream for the past five days. So many thoughts… Can I tell you about the past five days? I feel a little lucky. A lot lucky actually. I checked out from the world. Not on purpose, but I’m glad it ended up that way because it allowed me to immerse myself into another world completely. And this other world was a cultural dance camp tucked away in the middle of lush nature in Northern California. I had no internet or phone reception there.

At first, I was reluctant to go this camp for several reasons: firstly, I didn’t have a lot of disposable cash. Secondly, I had a lot of writing to do. Thirdly, the thought of going to a camp when there’s a lot of work to do just seemed frivolous. And fourthly, I had just found out that I had advanced to the final round of a very prestigious writing contest and I had some more work to do for the final round. But my spirit wanted some joy. Kind of needed it. It had been a tough summer, full of family issues, man issues, not so much nature, not so much good food, not so much authentic connecting or community or kindness or anything that feeds my soul, and I was beginning to feel depleted.

So I went to this camp. And I’m so glad I did. I arrived in the city nearest camp on an Amtrak train, watching the sunrise on my ride out there. The camp shuttle van came and picked me up and the driver loaded up my tent, sleeping bag, air mattress, two suitcases and backpack into the van. He delivered my things to the front door of women’s cabin number two.

In the cabin, I was greeted by an older woman from Northern California, and in the coming days, the cabin was populated by a three other women in my age group and a woman about my mom’s age. We were all single, crazy, free-spirited magical kind of women who were at crossroads in our lives.

The camp provided three healthy meals a day, and several drum and dance classes throughout the day, which you could elect to go to or not. It also had two lakes, and one of them you could swim in or paddle boat in. On every night, they had a different activity, such as a club night, a night of a special performance, a campfire/storytelling night, and a talent show night.

The whole summer long, I haven’t gotten as much writing done as I did at this camp. I would wake up before seven, do my stretches and meditation. Go eat at the dining hall and talk and mingle with people. Most of the people were so awesome. There were people from all over the world – China, Japan, UK, Australia, New Zealand, Hawaii, Africa, all over the US – all coming to this camp to be taught by some of the best cultural teachers in the world. And I must say, they were some of the best artists I’ve ever met. So talented. So disciplined. Amazing, amazing people – cool, funny, smart, bold, sweet, loving. A met a little girl who told me her name was butterfly, and she was just full of kisses and cuddling for me. And there were a few people I knew there. A guy I used to hang out with, and his two kids were there.

After mingling with the cool camp people, I would go hide out in this spot where nobody goes, and sit out in nature and write for three to four hours. Yes, three to four hours. Sometimes in LA, that’s my weekly writing total. It was so cool writing out in nature, sitting near enough to the classes to hear the musicians playing beautiful live music for every class.

After writing, I would each lunch and mingle a bit, then take two dance classes and nap in between them, then go to dinner, then attend the evening activity, then lay in my tent and look at the stars as I meditated before I went to sleep.

I met women. Such beautiful women. Oh, the dance teachers there! Some of them were women- elders- and they walked with such grace and danced so fiercely. It was so nice to see them. Just powerful and loving and breathing. And I made friends. Me and my cabin mates would stay up talking about everything. Everyone was talented and people played drums and flutes and guitars and sang and danced. And some people were successful artists and others weren’t so much, but they were open. And we shared about our lives and our weirdness and our heartaches and our triumphs. And the men – they treated me like brothers (except for the guy I already knew, who kept trying to talk to and flirt with me). But other than him, the men were so respectful and fun and sweet. It was such a nice balance. It was such a good time.

Day before yesterday, they announced that they would be having a talent show. I didn’t have anything in mind, but that night, a poem came to me. It was about women. It’s called “They Walked Like Women”. I was just so inspired by the brilliance and the grace and the power and the balance of some of the women there, and I was so in love with the communal way of the place, that I wrote a poem about it. And I decided that I was gonna be me. Laydie. I was gonna write something and I was gonna share it. And I didn’t want to do it alone. So I got all brave and I invited my cabin mates to accompany me as I read the poem. One would dance, one would play flute, and one would drum. And they agreed.

THEN. It gets better. I’m not making any of this up. The morning of the talent show, this beautiful woman who I had been admiring but whom I hadn’t spoken to yet, approached me and asked me if I wanted to be in her singing group for the show. Now. I’m not a singer. But I Love to sing. She is a woman like me. Magical. And she stands out wherever she goes. Not that she’s the most pretty in the room, but there is something about her that just makes you want to know her. I told her I can’t sing that good, and she told me that she grew up in the church, and that sometimes the person selected to sing the song in the church is not the person who sings the best, but the person who has something in their heart that they need to share. She thought that I had something that needed to be shared, so she asked me to sing a solo verse in a song she, I and another women were to sing together.

So now, I was going to do two performances. Read my spoken word poem and sing in a trio of beautiful women. I’ve never sung at anything in front of people. I haven’t gotten up and read a poem in front of people in years. At least seven years since I’ve stood up in front of anyone, and shared my creative anything. Long story short, I did it. It was amazing. It was so wonderful to do these performances with these incredibly loving, talented women. And everyone loved us. So many people came up to me and told me how inspired and touched and empowered they were by my poem. They thanked me for speaking about what it is to be a woman. They told me they loved my singing voice. Me! The woman who loves to sing, but who everyone had always told that I couldn’t sing. They loved my singing voice!

I Loved giving my heart to them. I loved giving my best to them. I gave them my all and they received it. It was the best feeling ever – to be received and appreciated for what I had to offer.

After the talent show, a few people, including me, didn’t want to go to sleep. We sat out on one of the plazas while a couple of people played songs with their guitars. I swayed and danced. We shared blankets.

I was myself. It was everything I wanted for my life. It was beautiful…

And now I am on a train back to LA. And LA is no dance camp. I am greeted by messages from people I hadn’t thought about for days. Everything looks the same as I left it. Some things are probably worse and maybe some things are better. I will find out soon.

Can my life be like dance camp, God? It was so beautiful. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by gratitude for the beautiful things I’ve experienced. It’s like a whole other secret world exists. There are so many ways to experience this world.

I got to be a leader this past week. I got to empower others, but not in a pretentious way. We were all equals, but different. Just different types of people with different things to do, giving their gifts. Today at lunch, this lady came and asked to clean my plate up for me. I told her I’d do it, and she said that queens should be served.

I was a queen at camp, but it was different than what I envisioned a queen to be. It was better. Because I was not separate from everyone, standing on my high horse. I was together with people, listening to them, talking with them. They had things to offer, and I accepted their offerings genuinely. And they accepted my offerings and trusted me to do a good thing.

I don’t know where I’m going with this blog. I guess it’s time to stop writing. I just wanted to share what a beautiful time I had. Thank you for this nourishment, Allah. I needed it so much. I needed to see how beautiful life can be. I needed to see what community could be like, and how it could feel to be around people that are so gifted and amazing. I needed to be in your nature. I needed to feel wanted and valued and appreciated. I needed to be received as I am, and not hated on. I needed some people to champion me. Women. I needed good experiences with women. Cool women standing in their power…

I want to give my heart, Allah. That’s what I want to do with my life. What I did at dance camp? That’s what I want to do with my life. I want to give my heart. I want to connect so deeply and be together with people in this world. I want to be received and accepted and appreciated for who I am. I want to be surrounded by people who keep me safe and see me and want the best for me and don’t try and manipulate and use me. I want to be that support for others. And You showed me – You had me experience that. Those things were only dreams in my head before. But I experienced it, and now it’s real. Now it’s a possibility for my life.

So I ride back to LA empowered. Empowered in a way I’ve never been before. Empowered with Love. Power is not mean and forceful. Power is giving and loving. And power also includes honoring your own self. This is woman stuff. This is grown up stuff. This is more than I ever imagined for my little ol’ life. And I thank you so much, Allah. I am so grateful. I am so grateful… Ameen.

Day 480
They Walked Like Women (Dance Camp)

Day 479 – As A Woman

Kwame is dead. A little silver bead fell out of my purse just now. It is a piece of an earring that my friend Kwame bought for me many years ago. I remember the day. Spontaneous. We were walking around and there was a little make-shift marketplace and someone was selling jewelry. “Do you want something?” he asked, and bought me these cute silver-plated earrings that had one simple bead on them. After some years, I lost the earrings, and even lost the other bead, but this one bead just fell out of my purse reminding me of him. He died a couple of months ago. He was lovely and he lived his life to the fullest.

I am wondering what it is like wherever he is, if there is a wherever he is. Can he see me sitting here thinking of him and typing on my computer? What would he say to me? What kind of advice would he give about living a life?

Today I had to decide whether to give someone who screwed me over a second chance. This guy was supposed to sublet my apartment. He said he was going to put a certain amount of money in my account. I was relying on this money to pay certain bills by a certain time, and I told him so. He said he had put the money in my account, but when I checked it wasn’t there. I reached out to him and he didn’t respond by the bill due time. Then, hours later, after I had told him I’m taking back my offer to sublet my place to him, he responded and apologized, saying some kind of way, there was a mistake and the money transfer didn’t go through. It is possible that it was a mistake, and that he thought the transfer had gone through and that he just fell asleep and didn’t wake up this morning until after the time that the bill was due. And it’s possible that he’s straight faced lying to me and that he knew that money didn’t go through (or maybe didn’t even send it), and then didn’t know what to say to me this morning.

He’s going through a hard time, and he essentially begged me to please let him sublet my place. He had already shown me that he would leave me in a compromising position, whether he did it on purpose or not. But what if it was a mistake? What would Kwame say?

Kwame would say that if it was his bill due, he would have made sure that the money went through. Kwame would say to move on with my life now. He would say that I can help someone else who’s going through a hard time. Help someone who at least will show me some consideration. We are always trying to save the assholes. Why not help someone nice?

Things are moving fast and quick decisions and action has to happen now. This is the end of a life I had, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel a bit sentimental about it. I am at another crossroads. Another starting point. This old life will no longer do.

What is missing in my life is Love. Not so much that I am needing to be Loved. I am always Loved. I finally see that. What is needed is for me to share the deep Love that I have in my heart. What is needed is for me to share the deep self that I am. What is needed is for me to now take my rightful place in the world and in my community.

I’ve had enough of living by myself. I’ve had enough of selfishness and sadness and being less than the powerful Lover of humanity that I am. I came here to make a great contribution to the world and it is time that I do it. I came here to fly and be such a beautiful light. “Give what you have,” You whisper to my spirit.

My friend Matsemala whispers to me to love someone. I will Love my mamma for now. She needs it and I want to give it to her. I want her to feel Loved and cared for and special and appreciated. I know how to do that for another person now. I know how to Love myself and keep myself safe. I Love myself therefore I trust people who have shown themselves to be trustworthy, and I don’t trust people who have broken my trust unless they earn it back. Such a simple concept that took me so long to learn…

I am grateful in this moment. I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful to have my heart in tact. I am grateful to know that good days and bad days come and go and everything can’t be understood or explained away. Sometimes you don’t know why a particular thing happened. Sometimes it’s your fault and sometimes it’s not.

What you can do, though – no matter what is going on in your life, no matter how horrible you feel, no matter how many mistakes you’ve made or how many times you’ve shot yourself in the foot – what you can do is try again. Learn from your past. Don’t keep making the same mistakes over and over and over.

I feel like I finally learned something with this sublet situation. I finally decided just not to create agreements with people who screw me over and show no intention of changing their behavior. Seems like a no brainer, but for most of my life, I’ve been trying to forgive assholes and help make them better people. I think holding them accountable for their bullshit behavior and let them have consequences for their actions helps them much better people instead of letting them continue to use people.

Before that situation, a lovely married man who is separated from his wife tried to date me. He was lovely and very sweet and very kind. And he was never ever going to marry me. Because he’s married. -_-

I decided not to get involved with his unavailable, cheating ass, and I think my decision helped him learn a lot about Love.

I decided not to be Phillip’s pawn anymore. He doesn’t want anything. He doesn’t want to come my way. He doesn’t want to go away. He wants to hold me hostage so he can do as he pleases with me when he pleases. But I want to Love and be Loved and build a life with someone who wants to build a life with me. So we have a conflict of interest. And he can kiss my nuts (if I had any), coming around trying to play with sacred Love like it’s a game…

That’s where we are, good people of the world. I’m feeling myself a bit, but I think I deserve it. I have been so small and so beat down by everything for so long… I have given my precious Love to so many people who could care less about me, and even people who would try to hurt me on purpose, for so long… I have not done my part in the world. I haven’t shared all the Love in my heart. I can hold assholes accountable for being assholes and still Love them. That is possible…

I am realizing as I sit in this library, that I haven’t stood up in my own shoes yet. There are so many lessons that I have learned on this Earth sojourn, but I haven’t integrated them into my living yet. I have been blessed with a lot, and I’m just now realizing that I know better. I know better than to be in bullshit relationships. I know better than to be poor. I know better than to not share love with my family and anyone who comes my way. I know better than to let people use me just because.

It is time to integrate all of the wisdom that I have gathered and breathe life into the new personality that is me as a full grown woman. I am a full grown woman now, even though parts of me are still the scared little girl who wants to fit in. We can coexist. We can be humble and confident at the same time. We can be scared and still take action that is wise. We can be disciplined yet loving. We can be powerful and yet not arrogant. We can be giving and yet not let people deplete us and use us. We know how. We know how.

Calling all parts of me to join together as we walk now in the world as a woman. As a woman. Strong, beautiful, soft, loving, kind, bold, safe, creative, taking action for the betterment of human kind and for the delighting of my heart. I am a woman now, y’all. I am a woman. ❤

Day 479
As A Woman

Day 478 – Allowing

Hey. I can honestly say that life is magical.

One day, you are full of doubt and the next you are full of conviction and faith. Not going to write too much, because I’m going to do a lot of work today.

Don’t want to share too many details, but want to share something I came upon about allowing and accepting the good. About having things now and not always looking for something in the future.

It’s been a long time that I’ve been in this vortex called struggle and sadness. You get used to it. And you start believing that your dreams are just dreams. Just down the street, someone is living the life that you have begun to think is impossible for you. Literally, just down the street.

In the past couple of weeks, I made it out of the vortex. I got a glimpse of life outside of sadness and struggle, and I realized that I wasn’t used to it. I had to (and have to) keep telling myself that I can get used to this. I can get used to this. I can get used to this. I realized that I had begun to believe that I couldn’t have the things I had always dreamed of, and I had to go back in my mind and change what I believe.

I decided that if I didn’t really believe in anything, I could at least be willing to allow for the possibility of good things, and that’s where I started. I started telling myself that it’s possible. It is possible that going back into the world could be safe. And it’s possible that other people and environments can be life enhancing and nourishing. And it is also possible that other people could understand me and even help me have a better understanding of myself. It’s possible that others could accept me as I am without judgement. It is possible that others in the world could fight for me and defend me instead of trying to hurt and use me, and it’s also possible that I could be able to fight for and protect and defend myself when needed…

Just because I haven’t experienced certain things doesn’t mean they’re not possible. I could wrap my mind around possibilities, and I kept affirming them to myself. I had been traumatized, you know. I didn’t realize it, but I had been traumatized a long time ago, and I had all of these beliefs about the world that were making me afraid to go out and be back in the working world again, and making me afraid to come close to people. Granted, my beliefs were formed because of the experiences that I’d had with others, but I at least could understand that just because I had been hurt in certain ways didn’t mean that I would always be hurt in those ways by everyone.

I planted possibilities in my mind. And then, when I could say that things are possible for me and there wasn’t too much dissonance, I realized that there is a level above possibility. There is allowance. And this is a thing I want to write about. I went back to my affirmations, and realized that although I could believe certain things were possible, I wasn’t really willing to have them.

I mean, they felt more safe out there and not here with me. And so I started affirm that I allow. I allow myself to be safe out there in the working world. I allow other people and environments to be life enhancing and nourishing. I allow other people to understand me even better than I understand myself. I allow myself to connect with others and be as loving as I want to be and still be safe… I allow. I allow myself to be filthy rich and have all of my needs met till the end of time. I allow. I allow myself to be Loved and seen and known as good. I allow myself to be free, and yes, I allow myself to be lucky. I allow life to be easy. And joyful. Yes. I allow. I allow life to be joyful. I allow my life to be full of joy and love. I allow myself to have. To own. To have. To own. I allow myself to have everything my heart has ever desired and more. I allow myself to have everything my heart has ever desired and more. I allow myself to have everything my heart has ever desired and more. I allow myself to be my full, whole, authentic self. Oh, yes. I allow myself to be my full, whole, authentic self.

This is the prayer that I want to share with you. A prayer of allowance and acceptance. I allow myself to be surprised by the goodness of life. I allow myself to be surprised by the goodness of life. I allow myself to be surprised by the goodness of life. I allow my life to be better than I ever imagined it to be. Yes. I allow. Now. Today. I allow the struggle to be over. I allow the struggle to be over. I allow the struggle to be over. Today. Today. Today.

Ameen

Day 478
Allowing

Day 477 – When In Doubt (Choose, Commit, and Walk)

So… I’m bored out of my mind. My phone rings from someone who is inevitably going to ask me to do something I don’t want to do or say something to chastise or guilt me because I’m not doing what they want…

I am feeling sad, but I want to write something good. Tough summer. First summer in a long time that I didn’t skip town or do anything that brings me much joy. Besides my brief week of summer Love with Phillip, this summer has been full of me being swept into my family vortex mostly and fighting for balance and stability in my mind and body.

Today I went to my spiritual center, and the sermon was beautiful. The speaker spoke about us giving our gifts to the world. For the past couple of years, I have been flooded with this philosophy of life. I’m sure there’s a name for it. Basically, the philosophy is that we all have a unique purpose and mission here on Earth, and our job here is to figure it out what that mission is, and then do it. Sounds easy. Also in this philosophy is the belief that you will discover your mission by being really honest about what your true dreams, gifts and capacities are. They also say that it is possible to have all of your needs met, to live your dream life and to be happy. They say that we humans are One, all connected to each other, and they understand the omnipresence of God to mean that God is not just a big man in the sky, but that God exists in every living thing, for He wouldn’t be omnipresent if he were not in humans as well. And he’s not a he. Or a she. Or an it. He’s a he and a she and an it.

The most disturbing thing about this philosophy is the belief that your dreams can come true. If you have been struggling for a while and around you, all you see is people who have given up on their dreams, tried and failed, or never even dared to dream them, and you are included in that bunch, then sometimes it is hard to really invest your time into trying to make a dream come true. Because you don’t really believe it will happen. So you focus on the things you know you can control: a job that pays bills, a relationship that is not necessarily fulfilling but at least keeps you from being alone, etc. etc.

So I am here. In Panera Bread… A friend is texting me. I don’t have so many friends, but I love the few that I have. They are loving, kind, strong people, and they have been here journeying with me, keeping me from drowning, and showering me with love when I need it. Today a friend is texting me, “You are always on my mind and holding space in prayer for you all the time. You are blessed.”

I guess that’s what I needed to hear right about now, before I write this blog down a deep, dark tunnel. Thank you, God. The truth of the matter is, I am in doubt. Not totally despairing, but doubting whether or not any of my dreams will come true. Doubting whether I’m really supposed to be a writer and whether any of my projects will ever see the light of day. Doubting if I’ll ever have this magical loving relationship that I dream of and kids. Wondering if I’ll do anything to help people around the world live their dream lives. Can’t even imagine living in a house somewhere surrounded by green things with loving, open people around. Can’t imagine success and joy. Questioning whether I should keep going down this path or just give up.

It has been hard, Allah. It has been hard to know that I will never have my mother’s approval if I choose to practice the spiritual path I really believe in. It has been hard being rejected and abandoned by men I love. Seeing and accepting things as they are has been hard for me. I have been lonely, even though I’m surrounded by people. I have the food and they eat, and that is fine, except I become depleted and it has been hard to find sources of nourishment that can feed me like I need.

So here we are. I knew the title of this blog before I started writing. I am in doubt, and I want to figure out what to do about it. I long for a very different experience of life, but I doubt whether I will be able to create and have it. And I don’t know what to do. This past month, I have literally been sitting with chattering teeth, shaky legs, headaches, so many tears and such pain and sadness from facing things. I guess there’s only three things to do when in doubt: move forward, move backwards, or stay still.

You made all of these promises, Allah, in your books and through your prophets and people, but what if they aren’t true? What if I follow my heart and spirit and end up like I’ve been ending up – rejected, abandoned, alone, hated on… in pain?

I think what you do when in doubt is choose. The only thing you ever can do is choose. I am a single woman. In my thirties. Living in the middle of one of the saddest cities in the world. I have a little money in the bank, a few degrees, a lot of different work skills, a cute shape, a loving heart, and a soothing voice.

What I am deciding in this moment is whether or not to finish and submit this project that could either change my life or make me feel like a failure again. I could finish this project or I could not… Truth of the matter is, the things we learn in my spiritual center sound too good to be true. I don’t believe them wholeheartedly, even though I want to. But I don’t believe that we are here on this Earth just to eek out a meagre existence and try not to die and learn how to cope with our pains either.

Here in Panera Bread, I am making a decision – again. How will I do it, God? What will I say when my mom tries to guilt me for not sacrificing my dreams to take care of someone who doesn’t need me? How will I make it through the loneliness and find the strength to get up and take action when I don’t know where it will lead? How will I believe?

And you say to me, take it slow. Let’s do this week, OK? I don’t have to believe. The thing is, I haven’t given up. I can choose to give up, but my stubborn heart won’t let me. If I’m going to be on this path, then commit and be on this path. That’s it. It the same message over and over. Choose and commit. So again, I choose. This week, take action. Take the actions that have been goading you. Take action. Make a plan. Implement. Take action. That’s it. You don’t have to believe. As you walk, you will see that it gets easier. So walk, my baby. Now is the time to have a new experience of life. Walk, my baby. Walk…

Day 477
When In Doubt (Choose, Commit, and Walk)

Day 476 – Focus

I failed… I was supposed to finish a writing project by yesterday, but I didn’t. My writing bud finished her project.

I haven’t wanted to write. Haven’t been able to write. Been mad at writing. Been mad at me and mad at the world. Being pushed around in a vortex of things that have nothing to do with what I want. Perhaps I could change my perspective and make everything that has happened have everything to do with what I want, but that’s not the point.

If I’m being honest, everything that has happened is everything that was needed for me to grow. I’ve been a punk. Been being bullied by the will of the world, and yesterday, I realized that I have to put my own will into the equation or nothing will ever change.

So much has happened that I don’t even know where to start. I will start in the present. I am at home. In LA. In my apartment at a table in the corner. To my left, there are my wall windows with a view of some trees in the courtyard and the parking lot. To my right is my wall heater and a book shelf. I’m feeling crazy and I’m going to go and light some sage and light an incense before I continue writing…

Burnt the sage and incense and then got caught up on two phone calls before I came back to computer. Burning more sage and incense… OK. Back to my writing…

I am pushing through. There is a part of me that wants to get off this computer, curl up into a fetus position, burst out crying and call it a day. There is a part of me that wants to run out to the ocean and just keep running or find some man or some silliness to distract me so that I don’t have to feel all of the craziness that I’m feeling. And there is a part of me that wants to push through these feelings and do something good with my life.

I’m choosing the part that wants to do something good with my life, but it’s hard. My family thinks I’m selfish or that I’m crazy or that I’m whatever. I have been all caught up in my family vortex for almost a month, and to no one’s real benefit. I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about them, being with them, participating in, planning or orchestrating one event or the other, talking to them, giving rides, watching news or whatever with them. I come home trembling and crying. I don’t always even know the reason why.

I want them to approve of me. I want them to like me. I want them to say I am good. I want them to care about me and help me with things that are hard for me. But mostly they do not. Mostly they think that – no matter what is going on in my life – my life is easy and their life is hard and I should be the one doing the caring and helping…

I let my writing buddy down. I let myself down. I got caught up in this vortex, and now I am here, writing for the first time in a week.

Here is the pattern: life goes good, then get caught up in something. Family. Man. Money. Fear. Then get depressed and/or sick. Fall down. Stay down for a while. Repeat. This time, a new element has been added to the pattern. We are at the end of the fall down stay down for a while part, and i am thinking about the getting back up, but I don’t want to do these same things again. I don’t want to live this same pattern or this same life anymore…

I am grateful for a moment to escape the vortex and think my own thoughts, God. I will start with accepting what I don’t and do have. I went out into the world this past month with eyes open, and it was painful to see what all is there. I am a tough cookie, but my real self is a butterfly. I am both, and I can be strong when needed, but I long for a place where I don’t have to be strong. Where I can be soft and kindness will be given regardless. I long for a place where I can be open and people won’t use me because I am giving. I long for an experience of being seen and being held and being taken care of, even if I am undeserving. Because I know in the course of my lifetime, I must have done some things good. I know I am not perfect, but I also know that I am not a destroyer. I am a person who breaths life into others on purpose, and I went into the world hoping to find the experience of others who do the same. And I found it. And I didn’t. Mostly I found that the world was the same as it had always been, but I had never noticed the pain and the sadness that was so prevalent everywhere before… Mostly I noticed that I had grown a lot…

My family is texting me asking me what time I’m coming over to celebrate my niece’s birthday. Geez Louise… Do you know what I want to do? I want to sort myself out. I want to get my shit together. I don’t really want to be in the family vortex right now. It mostly takes me away from everything I want to do. Is that selfish? They are mad at me. For having free time. For spending my free time writing or doing whatever the heck I want to do instead of dedicating my life to hanging out with them or doing whatever they want to do. They don’t really believe that this writing thing I do is important. They don’t really believe that I’m going to make it. And I can’t blame them. They’ve never known anyone make it in the arts, and I’ve been doing this thing for a while and haven’t “made it” yet, so why would they believe that at some point I’m going to have a $500,000+ check for some random story that I made out of my head? Why would they believe that I could have any of the things I ever dreamed of when I’ve never had it?

I ask myself the same question and have to concede that I am slightly insane to believe that I could live a life that is so rare – a dream life. And I have to be real with myself. That’s what I’m doing now. That’s why I’m writing this blog. Because I am a middle aged woman with nothing but choice. OK. That’s the truth. I have a little money in a bank account, a car, an apartment in my name in LA, a writing power partner, two very supportive friends, one kind of supportive friend, an old Mac computer, and angels who come and go into my life. I have the family I was born into. Some of them are amazing. Some of them are assholes. Somehow I am deeply bound to all of them whether I like it or not.

Right now, I am torn between the desire to go and hang out with my niece, help make her birthday exciting and fun, and also see my sis and her baby and make them feel like I love them and they are important. I can do that, or I can stay home and sort my brain and all these feelings out, and clean up my apartment, and find a way to make some income next week and actually work on completing this potential $500,000 script. I can’t do both. But even as I write this blog, I feel a tingling in my hands and I feel guilty about not going towards my family and helping them.

And this has been bothering me. This thing that I’m supposed to be there for people has been bothering me, because I realize I can’t be there for them and finish my work in the time that I’ve planned to. Not now. Not with these particular people. And if I don’t finish my work in the time that I’ve planned my money will run out and I will have to go back into survival mode and pick any old job. And I’m not sure if I’ll have the willpower or the faith to focus on my dreams if I don’t do it now. Honestly, if I don’t do it now, while I have nothing distracting me but other people’s lives, I don’t think I’ll believe that I have what it takes to do it…

So here we are. With this long ass blog. And it is leading me somewhere, but it is up to me where it takes me. It can take me deep into depression or it can find the way out into something new. The ocean, the bed, or the unknown. These are my choices… Stopped writing and did one of my Feminine Power practices, one where you get in touch with what you’re feeling and what you need.

I choose to move forward into the unknown. I choose to move forward into a new experience of life. I’ve tasted it in Phillip’s hug. I’ve tasted it with some of my family members sometimes. I’ve tasted it in seminars and at certain people’s houses. I’ve felt it in Hawaii. I’ve seen it in others: a place of goodness and peace. A place of harmony. A place of safety and power. A place where there is no punishment for success and happiness. I know it exists, and I know that once I am there, I will help lift others up. That is what I’m here for, after all. But I’ve got to get there. I’ve at least got to give myself a chance at happiness. I’ve at least got to give myself a chance at peace. I’ve at least got to give myself a chance at health, and I know what to do.

What is needed is a refocusing, a realigning, and a choosing. My hands shake. I accept. This is where I am. Sometimes the help I want comes from the places I want it from, and sometimes pain comes from the places where I would have liked Love. I accept. Sometimes I am gifted in ways I couldn’t imagine. I accept. Sometimes I am a gift in ways I never tried to be. I accept. My jaw trembles and my teeth chatter. I accept. A healing is taking place, a breaking through. I accept. I am powerful. I accept. I am fragile. I accept. I am good and I am bad and sometimes none of it makes sense. I accept. I am connected to everything outside of me and I am responsible for everything inside of me. I accept.

Use wisdom now, You tell me through my friends. Sort yourself out. Accept what you have and don’t have. Choose and know that choosing one thing means not choosing another. Sometimes you can have both, but sometimes you can’t have rest and be active. Choose the choices needed to live your destiny. Choose to live your destiny. Now you focus on you. Focus on you. Focus on you. Not selfish. Focus. Different. Focus. Communicate. Some will understand. Some will not. Some will help. Some will hate. Focus. Do not judge them for the role they play. Focus. Allow. Accept. Surrender. Focus. Do you see the place where peace exists? Can you feel it even now? Focus, communicate and let it go. Now, with Me, hand in hand, we plan the next steps and we take them. Plan and walk. That is our way for now. Plan and walk. Plan and walk. And focus. Things will come your way. Discern. You must be a wise one now, for you are a wise one now. Plan and walk and focus. And goodness and mercy shall follow you all the days of your life. And you shall dwell in My house forever… Ameen.

Day 476
Focus

Day 475 – The Road Forward (Choose)

It occurs to me that the world does not stop turning, even if you stop moving, and if you stop moving and the world is still turning, you are in fact moving backwards…

These days have been moving fast, and I have been being pushed along with them. There are many tears in me still. Some of them, I don’t even know why they come. But they don’t feel so sad and heavy like they used to. Isn’t it funny that people cry when they are happy and also when they are sad?

These tears are not happy or sad. They are movement tears. I don’t have words for them, but they feel like a release.

So many things have happened in these past few weeks that I don’t even know what to hone in on. Two teenagers, my niece and nephew are coming into town today and they will bring their beautiful innocence and hope with them… What do you, feel, my Inner Voice asks, and I feel hope and Love and a bit of grief. What do you need, It asks, and I need hope and Love.

I’m not quite confused. I don’t know what this feeling is that I’m having. I don’t know where this place is that I’m at. I’ve never been here before. But that if I write it down, I will figure it out.

What is happening is movement. Not completely, but I scrubbed the walls that I’ve been meaning to scrub for years. I scrubbed the floors. I washed the clothes and the curtains and the cabinet linings. There’s more to do, but this little bit was monumental for me, because I’ve been wanting to do it for a long time. I finished braiding my hair. Finished the last module in my Feminine Power course. Saw My Kind on the street this weekend. Spent time with an old friend. Spent time with mom and family. Was supposed to meet up with a friend who always flakes on me to talk about how he always flakes on me, but he flaked on the meeting after having me walk through pissy smells and homeless people to meet him at a train station that he wasn’t at. It’s kind of funny when I write it. My flaky friend flaked on the meeting we were supposed to have about his flakiness. Hehe. Had a conversation with Phillip, wherein he told me (again) that he’s going through so much stuff in his life and is unavailable for any kind of romantic relationship and he’s sorry for hanging out with me this past month because he shouldn’t have even spent any time with me, knowing that he’s unavailable for a relationship. -_-

I’m just that awesome that he couldn’t resist my company… -_-

I think that is what I’m thinking about most. Phillip and My Kind. And my writing. I’ve been going strong. Over 25 days of consistent progress on my projects. Life possible. Writing possible. Had another convo with a friend who wants me to go into business with her. That’s another blog entry, though.

In my mind, I see a road moving forward. And then I see all these things on the side. Phillip and My Kind and some of my relationships are on the side. It’s not that they’re good or bad. It’s just that they are on the side, you see. They are ok to stop and chat with for a time, but they are not on the road that goes where I want to go.

It dawned on me that all of these painful relationships are silly now. That I know better now. It is entirely possible to just meet a good man who is available and who just likes me exactly as I am, who champions me and helps me in the areas where I am weak instead of criticizing me and leaving me to die. It is entirely possible to be held and lifted and loved by someone who wants to do exactly that for me. It is entirely possible to meet someone who is open to receiving the gifts I have to give and who appreciates those things. It is entirely possible that there is some man on this planet who makes me feel better when I’m with him, and I make him feel better when he’s with me. I know these things are possible and all of the other things are just silly now. Once upon a time, I didn’t know. I was so caught up in so much pain that I couldn’t see what was good for me. I didn’t believe that I could have any of the things I dreamed of, and I was so alone… I didn’t know that I had power. I had the power to create things and have a say in how I would like things to go. They don’t teach women these things… And once upon a time, not too long ago, I didn’t know that good things were possible for me.

But I know it now. And knowing it, I have to do life different… I knew I’d get to the point of this blog eventually. The point is, I know better now. I know better than to be engaging with some guy who has told me in no uncertain terms that he ain’t looking for no woman… I know better than to let sad things sit in my heart too long without addressing them. It’s time to integrate all of this stuff I’ve been learning over the years. I know better…

A man from my past is texting me as I type this blog. Random. Met him over seven years ago. Went out on a few dates. Found out he was on drugs, heavy. Disqualified. Ran into him randomly the other day as I was driving in my mom’s neighborhood. He’s not on drugs anymore. Go figure. Now he’s texting me telling me that he got some new clothes so that he can look presentable when we meet up… Random.

But I see You, God. The truth of the matter is, Love shouldn’t be that hard. It just shouldn’t. It isn’t. We are so afraid of so many good things. We are so afraid of being hurt, and so we hold back our love, manipulate, lie, aren’t present, don’t give, guard our hearts, do so many silly things to the ones we love, aren’t there for each other, don’t support one another… And we put up with so much shit. Giving pearls to swine. I finally understand that term. Offering our lives and hearts to ones who never said or showed that they would take good care of us. I am guilty of it all. Being the perpetrator and the victim.

But now I know better. I just do. And what I know is that we don’t control much, but we do have a choice on some things. And we can choose: forward or backwards. Love or not Love. Move or stay still. Open or close. Circle or line. Create or destroy. Take responsibility or give away power. We can choose these things. Avoid or confront. Move forward. Move forward. Move forward… Towards your real dreams. Not someone else’s dream for you. Your own dream. You can have it. It may take some time. It may take some work. And I am telling you before having anything, but I have some things. I have tears that do not hurt for once in my life. I have a clear mind for once and I didn’t always have this. I have a clean apartment. It’s small but it’s huge. I have my sense of self back. I have my spirit in my body. And I have hope and Love in my belly, the very things I need to take my next step.

Move forward… You can have your dreams. You can choose.

Day 475
The Road Forward (Choose)