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Day 472 – A Beautiful Embrace

I feel guilty… I’m kind of over My Kind. And kind of into someone new. Phillip. He’s made it to this blog before. I’ll talk about all that later. Right now I want to talk about this feeling.

Overwhelming. Good. Grateful. With a sliver of guilt. I don’t like to give up on people. I like to hope until the end of time that one day they will be good. I’m sure it has something to do with my dad. He was a good dad (to me), but I can’t speak for the rest of my siblings, and he was a horrible husband. But I always wanted to see the good in him. I always wanted him to be good.

Anyway, I had a meet-up almost date with Phillip last Wednesday. I’ve been buzzing ever since. My sis said I’ve told this story before, and maybe I have, but this time it is slightly different. This time I am here and now in the present cognizant of what’s really going on with me and with him and dealing with reality, and I think this is a first. What is going on with me is that after I met up with Phillip at his job (he’s a sexy landlord/realtor/architect and I met him at a house that he was taking doors and windows off of before they demolished it. He’s going to use the 1920’s detailing from the demolished house to put on the new house he’s buying. Tehee)… after I met up with Phillip at his job this past Wednesday, he hugged me.

We hung out on the steps of this house, listening to music, talking, and him with his power tools showing me around and telling me about detailing and demolition. He told me the truth. He said it in these words – he said that the reason he’s been keeping his distance is because he has so much going on in his world that he’s not available to court me the way he would like to court me. He said that he’s so attracted to me that he thinks he would try to sleep with me if we spent too much time together, and he knows we would both be hurt if we did anything physical at this moment in time. I can count on two fingers the number of honorable men I have dated in my life. My People was the first. Phillip is the second.

I do believe I fell in love with him. I know. I heard the part about him being unavailable to court me. I also heard him use the word court. That old fashioned, beautiful word. When I was leaving his job site on Wednesday, he hugged me. It was more than a hug. I had on this skanky shirt that kind of had some of my back out, and he put his hands on my back. I had to tip-toe to hug him just right, but I let myself fall into him. And he caressed my back. He’s a big dude, but his touch was so gentle and loving. “Are you, okay?” he asked. I was. “Where are you?” he asked, and I told him I was there. With him. “Stay with me,” he said. “Stay here with me”… I did.

I know. He said his life is a mess and he’s unavailable to court me right now, but I felt like a teenage girl when I was with him. I have been missing out on the sweetest things in life… Standing there in his embrace, I remembered that I am a woman. I had forgotten. He reminded me of what men and women do for each other. We bring each other out of the cold…

My body has been alive since that Wednesday, full of passion. My heart has been beating. To be honest, it’s a little frustrating, because I know that being available or unavailable is simply a choice, but I can’t tell him that… And to be honest, I’m not 100% sure if I would be with him, because I actually love myself these days, and as such, I can’t really give my heart to someone 100% if they haven’t shown me that they will take good care of it. And he hasn’t shown me that yet.

But I am glad. To have had that experience. I am glad to have seen the golden, beautiful possibility of an honest Love. It blows my mind when I become aware of all the ways people are living life… I think if men want to help change the world, they should pick a woman and Love her. Love her fully. Don’t cheat on her. Don’t abuse her. Don’t lie to her. Don’t manipulate her. Don’t try and control her or make her smaller or dumber or less powerful than she is. Look at her and choose to breathe life into her and see how she glows and how much life she will breathe into the world.

God Allah, for once in my life I’m going to be grown up. I’m not going to pretend that I have a relationship I don’t have, but I’m going to believe that everything is working together for my good, like You said, and I’m going to take this beautiful embrace as a sign of what can be in store for me. I will keep being patient. I will keep doing the work. I will keep praying…

My Kind? Well, I really Loved him. He’s such a goof troop and he has the best amber eyes. And I now he was really into me… But I can’t make him choose me. Phillip either. No one. So, I’ll keep taking Your lead, Allah. I’ll keep being true to my heart, but I recalibrate my will so that I can walk towards open doors; so that I may choose the things that are choosing me. I know that if I stay open, I will find my way into the beautiful embrace of the one my heart has been yearning for all along. I know it. I accept it. And I receive it. And so it is.

Thank you. Ameen.

Day 472
A Beautiful Embrace

Day 471 – Like The Movies

Hi. It’s 12:09 am. I should be going to sleep, but I had one last thing on my to-do list, which is to do “emotional clean-up”, and I’m going to do so by blogging, as any other stuff might take me many hours.

Hello world. It was a good day today. I got a lot done. I was feeling like shit. I won’t get into it, but my therapist friend did this process on me where I allow myself to feel everything, whether good or bad, and so for the past few days, I’ve been feeling all this sad stuff that I thought I had already gotten over feeling. I was feeling super lonely and alone and heartbroken. I was feeling really unloved and not supported in the ways that I need and I was mad at the fact that I have so many people in my life, but so few that I can go to and just share a joyous, unguarded, open moment with. I was recognizing a deep need for joy in my life.

And so I cried a lot. But something interesting happened today. Normally, when I feel sad, I just go to the bed and go to sleep and don’t do very much. But today, I woke up feeling sad, and I got more done today than I’ve gotten done in a while. Today I practiced some of the stuff I’ve been learning over the years. The most impactful practice, though, was that I didn’t try to not feel sad. I just let myself feel sad, and did all my affirmation; said God is good and that my life is a good life; set an intention to Love and be Loved; made a commitment to be a spiritual warrior and continue to express and reveal more and never less than my true self no matter how I felt; and for the first time since I made my categorical list of the different types of things I want to do in a day, I was able to do them all.

My list includes things like, every day, I need to do something nourishing, creative, income generating, attending to some debt, organizing/cleaning, etc. I made this list not too long ago, so that I would have a practical way of making sure I take steps every day to complete the things I need to complete and move forward. Anyway, for the first time, duh duh duh, I’ve gotten to all the categories on my list!!! The last thing I need to do (and I’ve kind of already done it today, but I want to do a bit more) is some emotional clean-up. For me, emotional clean-up means doing or saying things that will help my heart feel free. It includes writing letters or having conversations that feel like the lack thereof is blocking me from resolving a situation that hurts my heart, or forgiving someone completely and being able to get to a place where I bless them and wish them well, or saying sorry to someone who I feel I owe an apology, or just giving my heart and my emotions a bath, making things free again.

Tonight I would like to give my heart a bath. I’ve been thinking about men a lot lately and Love, and I realize it has been a long time, a very long time, since I’ve been in love with anyone who was in love with me. My last love interest was My Kind, and the good part of our relationship was over a year ago. And I don’t know too many examples in my personal life of the kind of relationship that I would like to have with a man. You forget that things are possible if you don’t see them or experience them.

So, for a moment, I would like to use my will and my True Imagination to see Love again. I would like to bathe my heart in possibility. I would like to remember what it felt like to feel safe in a man’s arms and I would like to imagine that there is a man somewhere who would be honored to make a safe place for my heart. Let us remember when we were kids and we thought love could be like the movies. Somebody wrote those movies, so somebody knew it was real. If we can think it up- we are human beings and I am not talking about pigs flying here- we can make Love real. I’m not the only idealist. There must be at least one other being on this planet who would be willing to Love boldly and be true to me and be true to himself.

So you. I am thinking of you tonight. What does it feel like to be Loved by you? What does it feel like to be held and know that your arms will be there again and again? It feels like an adventure. Like the movies. It feels like cotton candy and pillows and a wide open heart. It feels like I’m alive again. I can breathe easy now. It feels like my father’s redemption. I am a painter and you are my muse and I am your heart and you are my head and we are each other’s covering. Like the Q’uran. We are each other’s clothing, coming in from the cold. You say that I am beautiful and you see me. You see me. You don’t just see what I can do for you or who I am in relation to you or how I make you feel. You see me. Period. It is such a joy to be fed by you. It is such a joy to be loved by you. It is such a joy to wash your dirty drawers and kiss your mouth. It is such a joy to give all of me to you. It is such a joy to give to you and be received. It is such a joy to be received… I Love you so much. I Love you so much. I Love you. Thank you. Ameen.

Day 471
Like The Movies

Day 470 – On Finishing

Ok. I’ve been out of my head for a while, meaning I’ve been out in the world interacting with people and doing a bunch of work and stuff. I must say, the world is a crazy place, and starting this blog is one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself.

If I didn’t take a moment to sit and think and point myself in a particular direction, I would get so caught up in so much. There is so much going on in the world. I don’t even know where to start. I think I was in Hawaii the last time I posted an entry. I’m in LA now. Been here almost fourteen days.

Hit the ground running. Got back on my birthday, and on my birthday, I had my first ever pitch meeting. A pitch meeting is where you meet with film or television executives and you tell them about a project you want to create. They can buy your idea, or they can ask you to join them to create your idea. So, on my birthday, some of kind of way, I managed to be in the room with four network executives and tell them about an idea I have… It didn’t stop there. The next week, I had another meeting with a Hollywood person. Then I had two writing deadlines for two projects and I completed those and submitted my projects.

My mom’s job sent her to Cali, so she’s here, as well as some other family members, including a brand new nephew that I have…

It’s the next day now. I got interrupted by a phone call by my new friend (I’ll call him Life) while I was blogging yesterday. Then I went to my spiritual center. Then I went and got some groceries. Then I talked to another friend on the phone. Then I fell asleep.

Slept longer than I usually do. I’ll be honest. I wanted to stay asleep longer because I didn’t want to face the day. Overwhelmed with the pace of life. Overwhelmed because it seems like I’m just barely holding on, trying to catch up to things. I’m doing it, but not with ease. It’s a challenge.

And I’m by myself still. I know, I have friends and family. I’m not alone in the world. But I generally get less work done when I’m around them than when I’m by myself. Sometimes they help with stuff. My sisters cleaned up my house the other day. But when they are off their jobs or have a free moment, they don’t want to work on stuff, mine or theirs. And so we end up talking for hours, or watching TV or movies, or going to find something entertaining to do, and although I miss the company of humans, I also sometimes end up feeling like, “Man. I should have stayed home. I would have gotten my printer fixed (or anything else on my seemingly endless “to-do” list) if I was by myself.”

So here we are. I was dreading facing this day because today I’m supposed to do all this stuff that I have been having resistance to doing. Like write a few letters and have a few uncomfortable conversations with people…

I messed up on one of the applications I turned in – I still qualify for the program, but I filled one section out wrong and I can’t fix it. I have to follow up on the meeting I had last week with the fancy lady. I have a meeting this weekend with more fancy women and I have to finish polishing a script before I meet with them. I have a long list of unfinished writing projects. Still need to tell my neighbor a piece of my mind about the bed he came in my apartment and took (over a year ago). Still need to do some work on a passive income endeavor I had started. Need to wash my walls and finish cleaning out my closet. Have a heart to heart with one of my friends who’s been flaking on me for years and just flaked on me this weekend. Have a convo with my writing bud, who felt bad because she didn’t meet the goals she had set for herself, so went MIA for a bit and just reached out to me. I got a traffic ticket recently (from a camera that took a pic of me turning without first stopping at a light), and I need to handle that. Need to handle a few other erroneous debts, and start researching another passive income endeavor… But before I get knee deep in any other income endeavors… Oh yeah, I need to email my writer’s group lady and update my membership and ask her some questions. What I really need is an assistant or some help. Maybe I can hire someone to help me finish with my apartment stuff, cleaning and sorting, and that will cut things in half.

I think I need to make some income next week. Haven’t really been focusing on that, but money has just been going out and not coming in, and eventually if I don’t balance that, I will find myself at a deficit.

The one thing that is not on my unfinished business list is men, and that is strange for me. Sometimes I think of My Kind and I miss him – He is caught up, like I used to be. He’s holding on to everything from his past, not healing his heart, and just dragging women into his confusion out of fear of being alone. He doesn’t even know he’s doing this, but he knows that there is a pain that won’t leave no matter who he’s with.

I am thankful for that, Allah. The pain that wouldn’t leave for so long is finally dissipating. I’m not used to walking through life without so many wounds, but I can get used to this. I’m not used to not having some man in my life making me cry, but I can get used to this. I’m not used to energy flowing through all parts of my body, but I can get used to this. I’m not used to not having someone to fight, heck, I’m not used to not wanting to fight, but I can get used to this. I can source passion in other ways… I’m not used to not knowing what will come next, not being in control of it all, but I can get used to this. This is the actual practice. This is the time to put my money where my mouth is. I said I wanted to be a self-actualized being. I said I wanted to be a center point, a place that Love and Light comes from… I said I wanted my heart to be free – completely free. I said I wanted to be free. I didn’t want to hold any more anger or resentment or darkness in me, although I recognize that the darkness is a teacher and it has its place, too… I said I wanted to do all the work I came to this Earth to do, holding nothing back, and I meant it.

I suppose I was gonna have to change and grow, and sometimes I’d be confused. I suppose it’s time to finish all this unfinished business, so I can move forward into the Light. My new friend Life told me to stop being late on things and start being early. He’s more or a mentor than a friend, but I’ll talk about him another time. I know he is from God. I know that I am really never left alone to fend for myself and figure things out on my own. You send me helpers, whether I’m aware of them or not. You send me angels in my dreams, and in real life, You provide the right situations to make my stubborn heart learn and grow. And I am thankful. I am thankful. Ameen.

Day 470
On Finishing

Day 469 – Time To Live

Sitting at the park in Hawaii. Near my sister’s place.

Went to the ocean snorkeling yesterday. Came back exhausted and disoriented. People say many things about the ocean and what it can do to sensitive folks.

I didn’t like the ocean yesterday. One minute it was clear and blue and I was underwater with schools of fish swimming by me the next, a storms was brewing and the water became dark and dangerous. We got out before anything got too serious, but not before I felt like throwing up.
When I’m off balance, writing this blog is the best thing I can do. I’m off balance, and I need to get centered because I have action to take. This week, I have the most important meeting of my creative career thus far. It is a meeting that could change the tide of everything.

But I have to be ready for it, and being ready for it means finishing up on a presentation and turning it in by end of day tomorrow. I don’t know if that is why I feel so sad and off. I don’t know if I’m picking up on my sister’s vibes or she’s picking up on mine, but we are both feeling sad and off. And that won’t do.

I wonder what life will be like when there are no more sad things to write about, when there is more than enough money for the rest of my life and for all of my family, when there is a beautiful man and a healthy relationship and some cute kids. When I’m actually thriving in my field. What will I write about then?

The last time I’ve felt peace and harmony and Love… the last time I’ve felt ease in my heart and mind has been so long ago. Maybe I am afraid. What do we do when we are afraid of the good things but the bad things will no longer do? I know, God, that you are leading me out of the darkness at last.

What will my life be like?

You have sent me so many blessings. I am surprised that I am still here, alive. I have been reckless with the gifts you’ve given me. I’m sorry. So… I think I’ve spent enough time crying. You know, it’s like I feel like I won’t fit in anymore if my life is all right, but I don’t want to fit in anymore. I don’t want to be crying every day any more. I want to be all right now.

You told me to choose something, so that is what I’m choosing now. I’m choosing. I’m choosing to be all right. I’m choosing to let my brain sort all the survivor’s guilt and confusion out. If it’s true that we can have whatever we choose, then I’m choosing to be all right. I’m choosing to know and experience the good things in life. I’m choosing to be whole at last. I’m choosing to allow for everything to work out and to have peace in my soul and heart and mind and in my relationships.

I’m choosing to have healthy relationships at last and to have resolution on everything, even people don’t want to resolve things with me. It’s time. Its time to stop cowing down and crying all the time. I am worthy of the very best in life. I am worthy of the very best in life. I am worthy of the very best in life. There is nothing to feel bad about. There is nothing to feel guilty about.

I can hear my dead friend Matsemala telling me to get up now and do God’s work. He used to tell me that all he wanted to do was God’s work. He had such an urgency. He died before he was able to do all the things he wanted to do, but I can feel him, proud of me, telling me to get up and Love somebody now. Get up and help these young women now. Get up and experience joy now and create works that set my heart on fire. Get up and Live. It’s time. It’s time to get up and live…


Day 469
Time To Live

Day 468 – This Notion of Choosing

Hi there. I’m posting an entry that I wrote a couple of days ago but didn’t get to post. I’m in Hawaii. I’m grateful to be alive. Write more later. Hope you are well…

This Notion of Choosing

So many things to write about.

On a flight, packed, to my favorite place on Earth.

Men on the mind, as usual, but something different this time.

Life has shifted again. Been writing love letters, hate letters, forgiveness letters, apology letters, and setting myself free.

Met a new friend. A friend. I know, right? A person like me, interested and willing to take brave action on his dreams…. My new friend brought a notion to my mind. He said that every man I’ve ever engaged with wanted to marry me, but they were afraid – they were afraid I was going to leave them, so they sabotaged the relationship or didn’t make a deep commitment. He said that it was up to me to choose a man. Don’t worry about him choosing me. He will.

The notion sounds too good to be true. In fact, I want to negate it and say, “No. I have chosen such and such and he didn’t choose me back,” but it’s not true. I never wholeheartedly chose My Kind. And even though I was totally googoo gaga about Mr. Almost Famous, I always thought he was out of my league and wouldn’t even consider the notion of choosing him – I didn’t realize you could just choose a thing before knowing if it chose you. The only person I have come close to choosing was My People. I actually believe I chose him – but not for long. For like a week. When he wasn’t sure if he wanted to choose me back, and wasn’t willing to take the time to consider the notion of being my husband right at the moment I wanted him to consider the notion of being my husband (regardless of whatever else was going on in his life, including dead daddy) I closed my heart to him in that way.
And now I am sitting on a plane going to my favorite place on Earth and thinking about this notion of choosing, particularly choosing a thing before you know if it chooses you. My new friend said, “Your wish is your command”, and it is such a bold statement. The thought of actually wholeheartedly choosing something, whether it be job or man or state or state of being, and believing you can have it, and then somehow not having what you choose is so horrifying, that I have spent a very long time just not choosing. And now you tell me that I can have anything I choose. Anything? It almost sounds like blasphemy. It almost sounds like the most unfair thing in the world. Like there is a secret group who knows this little tidbit of information, and they are living the lives of their dreams, while everyone else is suffering so much.

At my spiritual center today, the speaker said that the rest of the world, our brothers and sisters who are starving and being bombed and heartbroken, are counting on us to wake up – those of us who have the luxury to meditate and read books and eat without worrying about survival. Those of us who can sit on a plane and even contemplate this notion of choosing. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for this thought – for this notion of choosing. My new friend has come with so much good news. What if I could go back, I think, and revisit any man I’ve ever known, would I choose any of them? Just as is? If I knew that they wouldn’t change not one inch of one dime for the rest of their lives, would I really say, “Yes. I want to be with you as is. Forever. I choose you to partner up and align with for the rest of my life.”

It’s a tough question to answer, because answering it causes me to have to take responsibility for much of the pain and many of the failed relationships I’ve experienced. They never had a chance and they knew it. No wonder they acted a plum fool with me. I am just beginning to understand this life thing and how to navigate it…

To Love someone doesn’t mean to choose them

And to like someone doesn’t mean to choose them

Even to be with someone doesn’t mean that deep down in the depth of your secret thoughts, in your
journal that you’ve never written, you’ve wholeheartedly chosen someone

Or some thing

Or some way

Life has a way of knowing and showing where the chasm is between what we say we want and what we have wholeheartedly chosen.

First, choose to be honest with yourself about what you choose

The rest should come easier.

I didn’t choose any of them, if I’m being honest, and I am contemplating whether I would choose any of them now. It scares me. You know what scares me most? I know it sounds crazy. But what scares me most is that I will choose something and then I will have it. I have gotten used to this bull-shitty life. For me to have any of the things I really dreamed of… do you know how miraculous it would be? Do you know how miraculous it would be for me, the ugly little sad girl from the ghetto, to be happy? Or to be wildly in love with someone who’s wildly in love with me and partnering with me in life and being good to me? Or to have passive income and never have to worry about money again? Or to be working my dream career? Do you know what my dream career is? It is so awesome compared to anything I’ve ever personally experienced. Do you know what it would be for me to have friends and community who journey with me and lift me up and let me journey with them and lift them up? And, oh, I don’t even think about it because it seems so big. Do you know what it would mean for me to be a mother – to have some little big-eyed babies? I would have so much fun with them. I would pour so much love into them…

If I’m going to contemplate this notion of choosing – I mean, I’ve been talking about it and flirting with it for some time – but if I’m going to really contemplate and experiment with this belief that you really can have anything you choose, then I guess the first thing I will think about is the men. First action – go through my heart and see if there is anyone who has passed through who I would like to choose now. And if not, un-choose all of them or (yikes) choose one wholeheartedly.
I’ll let you know how this turns out. Good night, world.

Day 468 – This Notion of Choosing

Day 467 – Broken Hearts and Shtuff

Hi. It’s 1:40 am… I can’t sleep. Took a nap earlier today. Spent the day by myself today. Feel far away from the world. Want to connect…

I’m leaving soon. Going places where there is no resistance to sharing love and life with others. For the past month or so, I’ve been trying to build connections and bonds here in LA, but haven’t gotten much momentum. Everyone I know is in their own world. They’re either not willing or able to live life with me, and what’s more, there’s so much resistance or lack of appreciation when I try and offer love and connectivity in the ways I can…

And I’m starving. I didn’t realize it ’till the other day. I’m a Love child, and I’m starving.

This past weekend was so lovely. One of my very best friends came into town, just for the weekend, just to see me. I felt so special. We drove out to Northern Cali to a conference I wanted to go to. We had so much fun. We listened to my Feminine Power tapes on the way there and paused and discussed the different things on the tapes. We ate good food and laughed so much. We took pictures of cows and olive trees and grapes and oranges and lakes. We held each other. It was so nice. Like a dream. He and I don’t have any unresolved issues. I’ve known him for a long time and we’ve had many fights, but at this point, I trust that he will tell me the truth and be there for me when I need, and he trusts the same in me. And it was so lovely…

Of course he had to go back home, and I came back to my apartment, but not the same as I was before I left. My apartment was empty. My life was empty. I did the math, and I guess it’s been about two months since I called it quits with My Kind. And it was about two months ago that I started having panic attacks and feeling so depressed. I didn’t realize that I was heartbroken. I didn’t even put two and two together. I was heartbroken. I am heartbroken…

Don’t really know why I was so in love with him. He’s probably the most average Joe I’ve ever dated. But I Loved his golden amber eyes. And I loved the way he would hold me. I don’t believe I’ve ever felt safe in anyone’s arms before him. But he was hurting me so much. He was killing me and he didn’t even know it. He went from treating me so good to not answering calls, not returning texts for days… He lives right on the next block, but I wouldn’t see him sometimes for a whole week. He would hold back and not look me in the eyes anymore when I would see him, and I would ask him what’s going on, and he would say “nothing”. I would wait for him to have dinner with me like we used to, but he would call me after he had eaten dinner on his own, right when he was about to fall asleep. And he would talk to me in his business tone and fall asleep while we were talking… And it was hurting me. And I would tell him how he was hurting me, but he wouldn’t do anything differently. Instead, he would just say something like, “I hear you” and keep doing the same things.

I asked him what he wanted with me, what kind of relationship he wanted to create. He could only tell me what he didn’t want. “I don’t want to lose you,” he said. I’m old enough to know that nothing is created in mutuality with two people choosing to create it, and so I knew that our relationship wasn’t going anywhere, because he refused to choose me. If he would have said, “I want to be with you” or if he would have said, “I’m trying to figure out what I want”, then there would have been some hope. But he didn’t know what he wanted, nor was he trying to figure it out. What he was trying to do is avoid dealing with himself and his issues. What he was trying to do is escape anything that made him feel uncomfortable…

Before the new year, I had bought him all this health stuff that he needed. I was traveling, and I wanted to see him before I traveled. And I called him and told him that I wanted to see him before I leave town and that I wanted to give him his health stuff. He said, “OK”. He called me around 8p, but I missed his call. Then I called him at 9p and he didn’t answer. And he didn’t answer at 10. Or 11. Or 12. I messed around and needed a ride to the airport. Had a 5am flight. Called him. Texted him and asked for help. He didn’t answer or respond. Didn’t hear from him till three days later, when he sent me a text asking if everything was all right…

I guess emotionally, that was the end for me. Physically, though, I would see him a couple more times when I came back in town. The last time I saw him, I asked him if he had been seeing any other women. He had. I do believe I left my body for a moment. When I came back, I was full of pain. I think sometime later he texted me at night telling me he was going to call me. I waited up all night for his call. He didn’t call. I fell asleep crying, and the next morning, I decided I was tired of him hurting me.

I cut things off. Went ghetto “I’ll bust the windows out your car if you fuck with me ever again” with him. I didn’t mean it, but I kind of did. I needed him to understand the seriousness of the damage he was doing. I needed him to understand that some people don’t take it lightly when others mess with their hearts on purpose…

The other day I thought of him. I decided not to think about the last two months of our interaction and instead thought of the first two months. I wanted to remember how it felt to be in Love and to feel safe. I wanted to remember my brief experience with reciprocity and with having a man treat me exactly like I wanted to be treated. After all is said and done, I was in Love. And I was overjoyed to be sharing life with someone who liked doing mundane things like washing clothes and going grocery shopping together; someone who liked giggling and someone who would just hold me when I was mad instead of getting mad at me for being mad. He was height, weight, and age appropriate and he didn’t smoke or drink or have any kids or any other major hangups. And he had a job. And a degree. And a place of his own. And he paid his own bills and helped other people. He was always looking for ways he could help when he was around…

There were things about him that would have prevented us from being a good match – he wasn’t willing to go after his real dreams in life. That’s not a deal breaker, though, ‘cus I think he’d change that when he saw me succeeding at my real dreams. It made him a bit less focused, though. Sometimes he would want to join him as he found ways to amuse himself when I was trying to focus and work on things I was trying to accomplish, and maybe as a partner, if he was around all the time and didn’t have anything he was focused on, it would take me off track or be a source of stress in my life. The real deal breaker, though was that he didn’t deal with conflict well. He would withdraw, say everything’s ok, and then run away…

What I know is that if My Kind really wanted to be with me, then he would say it and he would be with me…

Anyway, I’m going to sleep now. Guess I had to get that sadness off my chest. I’m not gonna pretend like I understand anything. I’m not gonna psychoanalyze myself and beat myself up and say, “Why is Laydie so alone?” I’m not gonna pretend like this shit doesn’t hurt. It does. But what I know about grief is that it hurts less and less as time goes on if you deal with it. If you don’t deal with it, then it just sits inside you undermining everything you do until one day a simple trigger blows it up and you have a panic attack or a meltdown or something.

So I’ll deal with it now. I’ll just cry. I mean, crying must have some sort of purpose. I’ll just cry and I’ll simultaneously find ways to keep my heart open and find people I can share Love with. I’m not going out without a fight, y’all. I am in this to win this and if I die before I make it to the other side of self actualization, no one will ever say that I didn’t do my best…

What I’m gonna do is focus on the life I’m creating now, continue resolving any old issues or old pains, and move in the direction of the things that bring love and peace and joy and abundance to my life, let my intentions be known to the people I Love and the people I want to connect with, and be open to the possibility that everyone I choose may not choose me at the time I choose them, but keep on choosing until I find an open door…

Good night everyone.

Day 467
Broken Hearts and Shtuff

Day 466 – Time To Love

Hey there. Good evening. I’m at Panera Bread feeling urgent. Feeling an urgency. Maybe I’m dying or something, but I just feel such an urgency to get everything out of me right now, have every conversation I need to have, say all my sorry, tell everyone off that I need to tell off, and do all the things I’ve wanted to do with my life for so long.

Today I met with the Old Prophet for lunch. On Monday I went to Whole Foods and he was there. He gave me a massage, and he said some things. He said to me, “If you were more sophisticated, you would have had me in the palm of your hands.” I didn’t curse him out. I just flipped the statement on him and told him, “If you were more sophisticated, you would have had me in the palm of your hands.” He understood his offense and apologized.

What he had meant to say is that he really had loved me. He really wanted to start a life with me, and he wished that I would have been mature enough to see through his bullshit asshole-ish ways and stick with him until he felt safe enough to reveal all the love he had for me. I understood. I hadn’t been mature enough to stick with him, but I don’t regret it. His asshole-ish ways took a lifetime to develop and it will take just as long for him to change them, and there are nicer men… There are just nicer men who are a little more brave.

I do regret, however, breaking his heart. I regret all the hearts I’ve broken. I regret the many mean things I’ve said to people. I regret throwing away people who Loved me. I do regret that. But I don’t regret keeping my distance from people who were actively trying to hurt me.

There’s a balance to be had. There’s a place to be where you can say to another, “You can’t come around if you’re going to hurt me, but if you choose to have a good intention towards me, you are more than welcome to come talk to me later.” There’s a place for reprimand and there’s a place for encouragement. And there’s a place where you just Love anyway. There’s a place where you may keep your distance, but you pray for good things for your fellow human anyway…

I met with the Old Prophet today. We talked. I told him the things that had hurt me. He had forgotten. I told him the good things that I appreciated. He said that if everybody got every thing they ever wanted, the world would be a mess. He was sweet. Velvet skin. Wise, frisky eyes like my grandma. We said we weren’t meant to be and he thanked me for talking to him…

I’ll keep it going. It’s not easy. My body trembles with each release. I cry. My brain gets foggy for a bit. And then it clears up. And then there is one less pain inside of me and I feel a little more free. It’s a process way overdue, but it’s time. It’s time to forgive. It’s time to let go. It’s time to stop judging and stop trying to play God and just be honest and finally be wise; act like I’ve actually been through everything I’ve been through and act like I’ve learned something from it. Its time to do the thing I love doing most. Love. It’s time to Love…

Day 466

Time To Love