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Day 571 – Support

November 30, 2022

Debt. Completion. Support. Thriving. Anxiety. So many things on the mind. My entire body is acting a plumb fool with the tingles right now. I have an opportunity in front of me. A miracle. So many miracles these past two months. This one might be the biggest.

A stranger has offered to help me in ways that would make me thrive. But I need to come up with some money soon. Like today. I can’t tell you what the offer is, but it’s big. Like those stories you hear from celebrities. You know how, like, you hear a celebrity say some rich white person took them in when they were homeless and mentored them and introduced them to whoever who ultimately gave them their big break? This opportunity is comparable. I feel in my bones that it will change my life forever. But I have to get some money quick – like today – and I feel afraid, afraid, afraid of so much.

Guilt is on my mind. Guilt from my family. I always feel guilty when something good happens to me if it’s not happening for my family… Feel guilty for dumping a guy from my project recently. He lives to disrespect me, yet still, I feel guilty for not allowing him to stay around, because staying around makes him feel loved, happy and hopeful… His work is mediocre…

Feel guilty about a recent break-up with a friend. Real Housewives From Atlanta type stuff. Was working a project. Friend brought wife on project team. So there were four of us on team – me, friend, wife, and another person. We had a team meeting. The meeting was supposed to be about project strategy. My friend is the lead. I asked friend about strategy. He didn’t have one, but I didn’t realize in the moment that he was embarrassed about not having one. I didn’t realize that he doesn’t talk to his other team members like he and I talk. If he and I were talking alone, he’d say he doesn’t have a strategy, and then I’d say OK, let’s talk it through, and then we’d talk it through and come up with a strategy. But in a group of people, his wife included, he felt embarrassed about not having a strategy and I pressed the issue, like I would do on a one-on-one meet with him, until he got upset and got off the group call. In the moment, I didn’t understand why he was upset. Me and the two remaining group members continued the call. I asked them if I had done something wrong. Everyone said no. I explained to them what had transpired between me and friend before meeting. I assumed everyone knew because the one person was his wife and the other person was someone who had known friend longer than I had. We finished the call and I said I would talk to friend personally before we got on a new group meeting.

Then, a few days later, I got an email from friend’s wife. Friend was cc’d on it. She emailed me in a very accusatory tone telling me she wanted us all to meet before Thanksgiving so we can just enjoy the holiday with our families. I didn’t appreciate her tone. But more than that, I didn’t appreciate her emailing me instead of friend calling me. He has my number. We’ve worked together many times before and he’s called and texted me at all hours of the day many times before. And he is the one who abruptly got off of our group call without explanation. I thought about how to reply to the email, but I couldn’t think of a non ghetto way, so I just didn’t reply and the suggested meeting date passed.

Then my friend called me a few days ago. Had a big attitude. “Why didn’t I reply to wife’s email?” he asked. I told him I was waiting to hear from him. He said he doesn’t do business like that, and I said I don’t do business like that, either. Told him how I felt about him jumping off the phone and then sending wife to reconcile his issues like I did something to him, when all I’ve ever done is try and make sure his project succeeds. And as I’m writing this up, I’m thinking about support and have an answer to the issue I was struggling with. Why have I been so OK with putting my time, energy and life into wanting him to thrive, without a second thought, but I’m so resistant to having anyone support me in that way? That was my initial thought when starting to write this blog… Anyway, the story. I told friend how I felt unappreciated and then friend said I tried to embarrass him in front of his other friend by making it seem like he has no strategy and he’s not doing anything. I was blown away. That was never my intention and I had no idea he felt that way. I told him the only reason I’m on the project is because I’m his friend and I want him to succeed. He’s not paying me. No one in the world could pay me right now to be on their project because I have my own things I want to do. And so if I’m helping anyone with anything at all, it’s because I’m with them and I want them to win. But I’m making a sacrifice. I’m giving them my heart and my Life force to lift them and carry them into thriving, or help them out of something, and it hurts so bad when I feel like I’m giving so much and people don’t appreciate it or think I’m out to hurt or sabotage them.

It’s a painful pattern that’s happened in my life.

Friend said he had to call me back. He called back. We talked about the issue. Made apologies. Squashed it. Said we’d move forward on the project. Somewhere on the call, I said that his wife had sent me a passive-aggresive accusatory email which I found disrespectful. Wife (who is almost always on his calls on speaker phone although friend never announces her to be as much) said she wanted to address my statement about her email. She got on the phone and started talking crazy to me, telling me I tried to underhandedly embarrass friend and this is a business relationship and not a friendship and I think I’m doing friend favors… I told her she’s not paying me. Nobody is. But if they want to pay me the value of the services I’m offering, they can call it a business relationship. Otherwise, it looks like a friend doing favors to me. But that’s not the point. The point is, she was treating me like I’m not on their team. Like I have ill will for them. She spoke on how I never had to mention any of my other projects during our team meetings. I had mentioned one of my other projects because I had been getting opportunities on said projects and whilst getting opportunities, the people asked me if I had other projects and I spoke about my friend’s joint project in the context of those opportunities. Wife said I was going on a tirade about my opportunities. She was getting loud on the phone and I told her to stop yelling at me. She told me to stop interrupting her. This happened two times. On the third time, I said you gotta be kidding me. I’m not staying on the phone with someone yelling at me. She said she’s not kidding me and kept yelling and I said bye bye and hung up on her face…

Some hours later, friend called me. He tried to yell (but he’s not a good yeller) and said he didn’t like the way I spoke to his wife, I tried to embarrass him in front of his other friend and did things underhanded, and because of that, he wants me the eff off the production and he’ll have his lawyer give me my producer and writing credits and money when the film is made. Then he hung up.

I was floored. But I’ve been through people of accusing me of worse things when I did less. My own sister thought I was going to let her down in an ocean because I thought she was bad, and that I started a whole rumor about her, none of which ever happened – I had just gone out to visit her to show her that I loved her… but family members believed her even though everyone witnessed that I had never said a single negative thing about her… I’m thinking of the summer this all happened. The summer I got well. The same summer creative opportunities started coming my way. The same summer family left and right kept asking for my support with so many things and I put my opportunities aside and helped them. Mostly unappreciated. Mostly resented for my contribution and unacknowledged somehow…

I wonder about these things.

After my friend cursed at me for the first time ever since knowing him, I sent him a message. Told him I never tried to embarrass him. It was not intentional. Told him if he doesn’t know that, then he doesn’t know me at all and wished him good luck.

Meanwhile, overseas, my ex the Demon Possessed was doing demon stuff and trying to disrespect me passive aggressively whilst engaging with my family. They either don’t see his red horns or don’t know what to do about it. But I think everyone sees red horns. Everyone feels energy. We just like to lie to ourselves because we don’t want to deal with the consequences of truth. But I digress. Red Horns always rubs me some kind of way. He did me so dirty and he keeps on. I’ve been with him in essence before. First Love, the Abuser, who love hated me. It’s quite amazing how deep these things go. I can talk about him now. I don’t know if he’s made it this blog this much. I have the words for him now. The Abuser mentally and emotionally abused me, pulled my hair out and choked me once in an argument till I punched him in the face. Tried to scare me another time till I pretended to call the cops. Cheated on me multiple times, married a whole other person and had a whole other family while he was overseas on military duty, never helped me with much money or anything else and I believe he still owes me something like $2,000 till this day. Disabled the engine on my car when I got my first professional teaching job so he could sabotage me going to work. Told me things like, “you’re not a woman”. How was this my life? I met him when I was seventeen. Fell in love with him at first site.

I’m trying to figure out why all these things happened to me. You see, when so many bad things happen, it is hard to believe that you’re not a bad person. But it’s not that simple. Because people still want you around, you know? People still smile genuine, happy smiles when I come around and share their secrets with me and want me to be a part of their everythings every time and say they miss me and mean it. But mostly, they hate me, too. For things I mostly didn’t mean to do. Or even if I did, it’s nothing more than they’ve done or would do to me.

I gets no love or compassion or forgiveness in these streets. Forget about help thriving. So, here we are.

Me. Wanting to thrive. And knowing I can’t do it alone. And having no one in my life who is doing life with me who I can fully trust. “Meet new people”, a voice in head says, and meet I must, but the conundrum is real.

After cussing me out and kicking me off project, friend messaged me and apologized. I wrote a poem about this some years ago, when my sis gave me a bogus apology for something she had said to me. “He said sorry. He didn’t mean it. What he meant is I’m sorry that I pushed you to the limit. Is there a limit now, for what you’ll do for me?… I don’t want your sorry sorry. I want you to Love me.”

Friend still wants me to be on project. I told Demon ex to stay away from my family unless he can be respectful to me and kicked him off our project. I’m sure there is a correlation that my brain doesn’t have the words for. Giving away my gifts and power to everyone but me. Not having the good in me seen. Aligning in relationships with men who want to abuse me. I can’t understand it. I’m sure I learned about it in some toxic relationship training at a job or a book or school or something. I remember the feeling from my ex and my mom – this love, hate I’m gonna try and squash you if you don’t accept my bad behavior type feeling… but I so don’t understand it anymore. I used to make it mean that I’m bad.

But I’m not. It’s just not true. I’m just not that bad. I know the thoughts and intentions I have for others… I’m just not as bad as they think I am. And I don’t feel like deserved so many bad things that happened to me. And I feel angry and sad and afraid of everything.

And here is this lady trying to help me move forward in real ways. And there is a possibility that other good things could happen, too. And it’s so big that my mind is thinking of sabotaging so that I don’t hope too much and get disappointed. I can manage my unactualized life through blogs and busy things, etc. And my Spirit is saying that I can’t manage this at all and will probably walk straight into the ocean and never come back if this shitty shit life is the same next year.

So here we are. What you gone do, Laydie? my ghetto Spirit asks. I’m writing a blog to sort it through. I got a letter in the mail this morning. Offer for a $10,000 loan, I need just about $10,000 to do everything I want until January. I took the loan letter as a blessing and a sign and started to apply. But somewhere in the application, they asked for my car insurance. My car insurance has just expired yesterday, and I didn’t have much money. But I sold something cash yesterday and had the cash to pay for insurance, so I went and put the money in my bank account and paid for my car insurance.

Somewhere on the way, I thought about the loan. Yes, it would help with everything today, but still it is a loan. I will have to pay it back. It is support, but debt. And then I thought about myself, and how that is the only kind of support I’m comfortable with. Not real support. Not anything that would actually move me forward forward into thriving. There must be a catch. A stress in the future. Some unspoken grimy relationship agreement. I just can’t let myself be lifted all the way. Or at least it used to be like that. Up until these past five minutes of writing…. I was wondering if I should apply for the loan, and couldn’t figure it out, and so I took to writing this blog so I could sort my thoughts.

And sort I have done. My back and back of head are tingling. I’d like a different experience of life, God. I want you to help me, please. I need You to help me, please. I know You can fix my sabotaging thoughts. I know you can heal my relationships or help me start new ones, but give me peace around them all. I know You can. And if You are me, then I know I can. I want to. I want to get it right this time. You say don’t take the Loan and reach out for real support. Real support has no debt attached to it. Can you imagine. Real support is happy to see you thrive. Not just survive. Thrive. Can you imagine? Allowing yourself to thrive? Accepting the level of good intention that you give to others? Allowing others to be “with” you in your awakening. You matter. You’re important. You deserve it just as much as anyone else. You deserve it. And you can commit. You can show up. I know this is harder than you ever thought hard can be, but I am with you. The world is not against you. You don’t have to fight it.

Just do your best, streamline your intention and focus, and choose. Do you want to receive this opportunity? Choose it. Fully. Even when you feel the resistance and the tremors. Ask them to talk to you. But get work done today. Take action today. Don’t spend too much time talking to tremors. Acknowledge them, touch them with Love, and keep it moving. You can get used to this. There is nothing wrong with people supporting you to thrive. You’re worth it. You’ve earned it. You’re not a bad person. Can you imagine how much good you will do with your thriving? Can you imagine how much good you have already done? You are an amazing person, Laydie. In your prayer today, go to a new place. Choose to have the support you need to thrive, and watch the miracle occur. Choose to thrive. Choose to accept the new life that is already here.

I Love you. I Love you. I Love you.

Ameen

Day 571

Support

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From → AWAKENING

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