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Day 561 – Selfish and Selfless (What Are Your Options?)

December 1, 2021

Y’all. Something very exciting and interesting happened. This might seem small, but it is very huge for me. For the first time in my entire life, I felt the difference between my energy and anyone else’s. You don’t get it. This is the first time in my entire life that I have felt the difference between myself and others. The strangest of strange things has happened, has been happening.

I don’t really have an intention in writing this blog except to share and process what’s going on with me in the process. I came up with a new script idea that has my heart pounding and racing. A la Joe in little women. Something from the depth of my heart that feels important to share.

About relationships, entanglements and disentanglements. I feel the possibility of freedom lurking in my hips. It is the first time I remember ever consciously feeling this way. What happened? Well. First off, I dumped everybody. I always feel a bit bad when thinking about this and feel the need to justify myself for dumping everybody. Everybody didn’t do me dirty. I’m wrong in certain ways for cutting myself off from some people… But in this cut off, I can feel.

I can feel the pull. And I can feel the difference between being pulled and not being pulled. And I realize I don’t like being pulled. And without being pulled or pushed or making decisions out of guilt or obligation or trying to please or some other kind of programming, I can feel, for the first time in a long time… maybe for the first time, myself. I can feel what I actually want to do. I can feel what makes me feel good and what doesn’t. I can feel what brings me up and what brings me down… I can know what opens my heart and what closes it and what feels good.

I have been under a spell for a long time. I come from a culture where people actually do spells, although we never did those things in my personal household growing up. But we heard about them and heard about them being done to others. And so when I say I’ve been under a spell, I can’t tell you whether someone or someones actually threw spells on me or if I’ve just been in a subconscious fog for a long time. But whatever the real case is, I have not been able to see clearly, to feel clearly or much less move clearly. It’s like I had this huge inability to say no to anything anyone asked me. At least I felt that way. But it would seem like even thoughI felt like I’d be giving people whatever they asked of me I major ways that nobody else gave to them, I didn’t feel like I was appreciated. I was generally taken for granted. My needs neglected and overlooked and me resented if I dare mention that I have needs or much less demand that such needs be met.

I had huge issues with saying no to people and setting boundaries. I wanted to help. I wanted to be accepted. I felt guilty like certain people depended on me and couldn’t do certain things without me. And I developed an entire matrix of relationships wherein I felt like I was mostly on the giving side, wholeheartedly, and the ones I was giving to always seemed to want endless more and not appreciate what was given and demand blood to my own detriment or they weren’t satisfied. Even then, if blood was given, they weren’t satisfied and would be angry that I’m not well and they have to care for me.

Yesterday, I declined having sex with someone. Too much information, I know, but I feel like I passed a test. Can I tell you something sad, sad, sad? A lot of us women have sex when we don’t want to. We don’t really like the guy. We don’t feel like our bodies are safe with him. The sex is not that good. Maybe we are horny a little bit, but not that much. But we get to a certain level, or in a certain environment, and the guy is all horny and we feel sorry for him that he put in so much effort or so much work trying to get some and his need is so great… or we feel guilty that we turned him on and his thing is all thingy when we really had no intention of thinging him and actually had only wanted to cuddle with him or play tease, but then he wants to poke and we feel guilty and then we just have sex.

Many children are born from these experiences. Many life long diseases and unbalanced womb ph’s come from a woman just deciding to share her very life giving womb with someone without much protection because we felt the need to please. I have done it. Put myself in enormous risk for a guy who clearly looks like he hasn’t cleaned his tongue with a tongue cleaner in maybe his entire life. Or someone with some stinky feet. Or someone who has multiple partners a year but only gets a sex check up once in several years. Not saying I’ve sexed all those kinds of guys, but definitely been exposed to them.

So, last night, a guy came over. A guy I’ve been on and off dating. We had broken up for the umpteenth time, and I had gotten some distance away from him finally. And from the distance, I realized that I felt better without the constant entanglement of his energy. Why? Because his energy had no food for me. Awareness is an interesting thing. When you pay attention to certain things, you can see them clearly. So when I got sick and tired of vampires eating my blood and leaving me in a corner trembling and not ceasing, I finally withdrew. And started to feel what if felt like without getting blood sucked. I’m not talking about literally. I’m talking about energetically. It is something we can feel. I hadn’t been consciously interested in it for a long time, but I had heard this concept before: People and places and things are either giving to you, taking from you or just neutral. There’s no judgement in it because sometimes you want or need to give and sometimes you want or need to be given to and sometimes you just want or need to be left in your own space and not impacted.

The beauty in awareness is that you can feel yourself and then you can actually feel where you are in the spectrum and subsequently what you need to be balanced and to thrive. This is all such a new way of thinking for me. I’m sure I’ve read countless books about it and heard about it so many times, but up until recently, I haven’t been able to integrate any of it into my world. People would ask me for stuff. I wouldn’t even know why I was doing stuff. At the end of the day, it was mostly just because people asked me or just because I felt guilty or wanted to help or be there for somebody and so I showed up somewhere. And I don’t feel like there is anything wrong with that, up to a certain level.

But what had happened was, I had developed in a way where I had a very hard time even being aware of what made me happy. I had a hard time feeling good about doing stuff for myself. Even when I did stuff for myself, I would feel guilty and others would echo it to me. How dare I buy anything for myself when there are so many people poor who just need food? How dare I keep my entire day to stuff for myself when there were others who wanted my time and energy to do stuff for them? How dare I ask that anyone pour anything into me – love, kindness, goodwill – when they were looking to me to be the pourer? How dare I not accommodate someone who shows up on my doorstep asking asking if my burdens don’t look as heavy as theirs? I had a hard time saying no, but in this past year, life showed me.

I got backed up against a wall. I had finally, almost, started doing stuff for myself that I enjoyed. I started this farm overseas, and it was a downright tragedy for so many reasons, but it was an amazing success because we have a farm. Overseas. And it’s bearing fruit. 1200 tress. And that was my goal. To have a farm, overseas, bearing fruit. And now the next phase can begin. But not if I don’t work on it. And I wrote a script. Sent it to some foiks. And they liked it. And it still needs work, but it was the first time I had sent this script to some folks. And it seemed slightly possible that I could actually be a writer if I just pushed really hard for a short amount of time. Then all kinds of shit hit the fan. In this midst of all this, certain people started calling me asking me shit. People I Love. They wanted me to dedicate my full-time all time to them. Move in with them and feed them blood all day. Work with them full-time and feed them support and energy on brand new projects. They felt like they needed me and they did, indeed, need support. But they were setting things up for failure and not recognizing what each person on their teams actually need to thrive. They were making schedules that weren’t conducive to my thriving when they could have made schedules that were conducive to my thriving and asking me to either abandon myself or work at a very stressful pace that would inevitably have me sick in order to meet their timelines.

They were asking me to sleep on floors or chairs or share peepee beds with them, so I could accommodate them and wake and sleep absorbing their energy, ignorant of how negatively this would impact me and unwilling to listen when I tried to explain.

And the men? They were asking me to give and give and give and do and do and do and it all boiled down to me ignoring whatever it is I want and just figure out what they want and how they want me to be and then be that.

And I woke up one day super confused and deeply sad. And bitterness started creeping in. And resentment. And I wondered how is this my life and how are these my relationships and don’t they see they are hurting me and don’t they care? And how can they be asking me to sacrifice for them and not even be concerned, in fact be bothered, when I mention what I need in order to thrive in my own life? How and why would they think that my own life would be for them and not me? And call me the selfish one to boot? Or had I done enough? Had one or two years of concentration on my self just been too much for them to bare? Was it time now for me to join the team of depleted women all over the world who spend their days and nights pleasing, forsaking their joy, doing most things out of obligation, staying excessively active so we dodge our feelings, numbing ourselves so deeply that we don’t even know if we feel love or If we like whatever man or why we’re doing anything at all, and then crying at night in bathrooms or finding other toxic ways to cope with it all?

I think they wanted me to join their alliance. I think I had been in that alliance for most of my adult life. I think it had almost killed me, and there is something about almost dying that will wake your ass up. And I think I just didn’t want to die anymore, and so I did anything I could to live.

I wish I could tell you that I sat down and had mature conversations about boundaries like I read about in my Boundaries book. I didn’t. I tried a bit. People got offended. Started calling me names. Pushed back and implied I owed them blood and resented me for not giving. Attacked. I pushed back, too, but got tired of attacks. I will win. I am a word spar veteran, but I didn’t really want to win. I didn’t want to break people down. I just wanted to be left alone to make decisions in my life that I felt were good to me for once. I wanted to be able to do what I had been hearing about in so many places – to do what I thought was good for me even if it meant I wasn’t going to do what someone I love wanted me to do. I had a few convos, but mostly they weren’t convos. They were declarations.

I wanted to care. I know I should care, but I didn’t. I could not care about people who were asking me to give them blood and watching me die of low blood and either not aware of my demise even though I’m dying right in front of them or quite all right with my demise as long as they are getting what they want. I couldn’t really wrap my head around being a martyr anymore. It just didn’t make sense. Especially an unappreciated martyr. They not even gonna write your contribution in the history books. it definitely didn’t make sense to me. So I stopped.

And I lost bonds. And I lost relationships. And I got really, really depressed. Everyone I had been walking lock step with for most of my life was now gone. And I was alone. And I didn’t want to go back to the dynamics I came from. But I didn’t know how to change them. And I didn’t believe that even if I changed myself, unless I did what people wanted of me on demand whether or not it was good for me, that it would make any difference. I was hurting so badly. I was in overwhelming, overbearing pain. Talk about crying every day. I was boohooing every day and dodging phone calls and hesitating on decisions and avoiding everyone and everything.

And I couldn’t escape the feeling. I ended up engaging with one particular person in a way that I thought could honor myself and also help them. It was weird. It felt like they wanted my help but they didn’t really act on most of the things I suggested to them unless they had no other choice. And then they were just doggone rude and disrespectful about everything. But then act like nothing was going on till you push them to talk then they explode about decades’ worth resentments.

At some point I got tired of it all. It hurt too much. It was clouding too much. I couldn’t think clearly about anything. My body was tripping like it’s never tripped before. My primary emotion was excruciating pain. My primary interaction was hurt. I didn’t have any people in my world anymore. I didn’t have anyone to talk to besides different men trying to bang me… Finally I reached out to a therapist.

She gave me great advice. Alignment and compatibility. She said I had been used to all this bullshit bullshit and she was absolutely right. This up and down extreme. And the way out of it all was to go towards what was aligned and compatible with me. I met some random young gigolo that encouraged me to open my heart and follow my heart and move out of isolation. These concepts resonated with me. But how to implement them?

I was by myself. My world had burned down and I had been so sad for so long that I had lost faith that there was any hope for me. I had lost faith that I could have any good relationships. I had bought in to whatever these people had said about me. There was just something inherently wrong with me. I was the troublemaker. The angry black woman. The unloveable one always asking for stuff from people. The attention whore. I was the one who was always supposed to give much more than I was giving and my bad life experience was my fault for being selfish… I needed to get over my stupid depression and running away and deal with life like everyone else. I was too old for this shit. How would I make money and even if I got money how dare I spend it on me if there is anyone in the world I owe anything to? My world was surrounded by these opinions of me. I must have done something to earn them… But I didn’t believe them. Maybe I was a psychopath indeed. I didn’t believe them. But I didn’t believe anything else, either.

I was confused. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t have anyone in life I could trust anymore. My few mentors were overwhelmed with people with bigger problems than me. I was afraid to leave my room. I got sick. And then, one day, in the depths of despair, I reached out to a friend. My old friend the Advisor, who usually treats me like shit and doesn’t respond to my messages. He responded to my desperate cry for help and asked me why I can’t find new people in my life to be safe around. I told him I was scared and didn’t think I could live through some of the painful things I had been through anymore. He asked me what are my options. My primary option was to stay sequestered in some room or in some apartment indefinitely, but that wasn’t quite working. It was safe, but it felt like my life was wasting. So I thought maybe I could do something else. What if it were possible to find safe people to live life with?

Was it possible that I could do some of the things I wanted to do, but I could do it in a safe way? Like maybe I could have my farm, but I could find people who actually had good will towards me and no hidden negative feelings or unresolved resentments to be on my team and walk with me? Like, people who I actually liked being around? People who made the day better and not people who I had to caretake and constantly manage their negative whatever? People aligned and compatible? It felt like a dream in my mind. It still feels like a dream, but dreams can come true, and the thought triggered something in me.

At least if I didn’t have safe people in my life at the moment, I could give myself the possibility of feeling safe – I could give my nervous system the possibility of stabilizing – by not interacting with people who made me feel unsafe and hurt or people who just kept asking for my time and energy without asking how I’m doing or what I need to be doing well. I decided I would do what I needed to do to be doing well… I decided I would try and access my heart and actually do things because my heart wanted to. I hadn’t done that in a while. I don’t know if I’ve ever consciously done that in my entire life.

So here were are today. I didn’t have sex. A man wanted to. My ex. I broke up with him finally. I could say it’s because of all of the bullshit we’d been through, and it is, but more than that, it’s because I finally accessed my heart and asked it if it wanted to be in this relationship and it said no. Yes, he was my companion. Yes, he had some good qualities. But mostly, the dynamic between us felt like most of what I had known and felt comfortable with for the majority of my life. He was not feeding me. I was feeding him. And his nourishment was a barter outlined by unspoken agreements for me to give up bits of myself: my friendliness, my joy in sharing with others, my interest in fun, my ability to be forthright and honest, my emotional safety, my brilliance. I didn’t quite feel like I could share just how brilliant I was with him. He would look with admiration and then jealously. He couldn’t swing me around in circles and clap for me. But those were not the reasons I broke up. I could reason myself out of all that and talk about his compensatory qualities. The reason we broke up is because my heart said no.

And the reason we didn’t have sex today is because, horny as I was, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to put myself at risk or having a baby or a disease or just not being sure about what’s going on with my body for months or getting all energetically entangled and not free to date anyone. I didn’t want to. And for the first time, the guilt of not pleasing a horny man did not override my sense of doing what was good for me.

And when he left, as I am sitting in the sun without him, I feel his energy. And I feel my own, too. And I know the difference. His energy is not mine and it impacts me and I impact him. And I’m not even going to talk bad about him. He has been instrumental in bringing so many unconscious patterns of relating to others to my awareness, and I am grateful to finally be able to see and dissect myself from a lifetime of programming that has been blocking so much for me. This morning, I chose to choose what’s best for me, instead of being a sacrificial lamb to do what someone else thinks is best for them, but will cost me a lot of emotional duress.

I’m proud of myself. Perhaps you will call me selfish. I have been afraid of that word. I’m sure that’s a word invented by the misogynistic patriarchy as a way to disembody and disempower women so that we remain in service to agendas other than our own, but that’s another story. Is there a way to be selfish and also selfless? Who cares? Is there value in selflessness? Is it even real? have we all been duped? I don’t have the answer to those questions, but they are worth asking because many of us are on some bullshit sacrificing, self sabotaging, unfulfilling relationship dynamics, foregoing boundaries, killing ourselves, not living in integrity, bowing our doggone heads low like dogs, not daring to love or share because we are scared of being called selfish. Enabling and disempowering narcissists. Nurturing emotional terrorists. All causes have effects.

I am proud of myself for embracing selfishness, this awful, awful concept, and allowing others that I wish would love me to death to hate my guts. it is the hardest thing that I’ve ever done. Made choices that would disappoint another in order to please myself. Picked my own interest above another’s. Some will say I always do that, but I rarely have done it, and even if I’ve done it many times before, so what? There is a spell. An unspoken agreement in our human consciousness. Most of us depressed people have been under this spell for far too long. The spell says it is bad to put yourself first. Some evil assess who have abused putting themselves first at the cost of hurting others over and over again have made us think it is bad to put ourselves first. But I am here to tell you, you person who has in issue with putting yourself first, that you are probably not selfish. You are probably finally learning self love. And you are probably finally setting a foundation to get out of this hell hole that has been most of your life. What I know is that when you get, you give. You have already been giving what you have big time even when you don’t get. And when you get more, when you feel well, when you finally feel stable and nourished, the very first thing you will do is want to give everything away and want to live everyone around you up. You have always been sharing and generous with your heart. You still are. You are only finally learning to give your heart what it needs so that it can function at its big ass capacity. I am so, so proud of you.

Some people won’t like you. You gotta make peace with that. You gotta make peace with the fact that some people won’t forgive you. Forgive yourself on behalf of their ol’ mean ass uncompassionate asses. Don’t hold yourself hostage anymore. This is big man stuff. This is big woman stuff. We’re not kids anymore. This is breakthrough stuff. I know you might not believe that anything good anymore, but what are your options. Here we are in this life. We could have jumped out windows or hung ourselves or blown our brains out or crashed a car many a time before, and we sure thought about it, but we didn’t.

Here we are. Still in it. And still too stubborn to quit. And gratefully, out from under major spells, changed. Ready. You are ready, baby. You have never been before, but you are ready now. You have stood up for yourself and risked losing everything you’ve ever loved for the possibility of stopping all these trembles in your hand. You have sent a message to the Universe: enough is enough and I will risk it all so I don’t hurt anymore. And the Universe has heard you. And I am so, so proud of you. Bravo, baby. Bravo, you selfish, sexy thing!

I Love you.

Sincerely,

Laydie

Day 561

Selfish and Selfless (What are Your Options)

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