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Day 562 – If, And and But; No Matter What (You Will Be Loved)

December 10, 2021

Hey y’all. I’m not going to take too long on this. Something just happened today. So many things happened today. First off, my ex is trying to get back with me without addressing the things that happened between us. I don’t understand us human beings. I’m just gonna say that some people are all right with some things and others aren’t. I’m not all right with so many things. I realize. It’s a bit extra for certain people. But it’s quite normal for others… I so don’t get how people be hurting each other, holding it, acting out on it, but then want to act like nothing is really happening if you bring it up. Check their journals or their text messages or their phone convos or ask a mutual friend and you will hear all the stupid stuff they are holding against you, but don’t want to resolve it or even acknowledge it if you dare bring it up…. That’s not what I came here to write about, though. My ex just text messaged me because he can feel that I am shifting away from him energetically and he wants to pull me back in to suck my blood…

What I want to talk about is all this blood sucking, but particularly something that happened just just now and the impact that it has on my emotions and what I’m going to do about all of this. So what happened was, I don’t know where to start… This blog entry is a manifesto of sorts, but it’s starting off kind of weak… So I’d like my manifesto to be strong, but not fake strong where I have to ignore how I’m feeling about things and pretend I don’t feel and I’m going to conquer everything.

So where to start? Should we start at the beginning or in the moment? Let’s start in the moment. I’m still out of the country. I’m feeling sad because I’m alone. I mostly feel alone everywhere I go, though, even when surrounded by others. I’m feeling sad because I don’t have much that I look forward to in terms of relationships and I don’t have much to look forward to as far as relationships when going back to the states. At least here, when alone, people don’t really hurt me. In the states, most folks in my personal circle are always asking me for shit that I’ve become rudely uninterested in giving these days and resenting me for not giving whatever is wanted on demand when it is wanted. Mostly the giving is absolutely nothing that is energetically or vibrationally nourishing for me.

So I’ve been here. For the past month or so, I took a time off. I haven’t been doing much on the farm, although the farm is still going on, producing fruits as it does. It’s the harvest and I’m supposed to lead all these big plans. We could do a lot of big and impactful things if I got with the program. We have already done a very big thing – planting a farm of 1200 trees and the trees actually surviving till harvest- but now there is life after the harvest. What to do with all these fruits? Someone has to lead the implementation. I’m tired. My business partner is my mom. We don’t feel emotionally safe with each other for valid reasons. Last time we were here together, I threw a bottle at a wall because she wouldn’t help me when I was literally pooping on myself and throwing up out the nose. She doesn’t feel safe because I threw a bottle. The bottle bounced off the wall and almost hit her and now she says I threw a bottle at her. I wasn’t feeling safe because I was pooping on myself and throwing up out the nose and my mom was yelling at me instead of doing anything to help me…

So that’s where our relationship left off. Since then, my grandma died and then my aunty died and my mom fell apart. We all fell apart. I tried to stay around this country to make sure things didn’t crash and burn too much, but my contribution was mostly unacknowledged and instead I was criticized for all I didn’t do and asked to do more on my own. I became resentful and bitter. I quit my unofficial never really voted but always punished for not being leadership of our family. My little sis fucked me over for a career opportunity. My other sis tried to manipulate me into putting my energy towards one of her initiatives instead of using my energy to followthrough initiatives that I had already started and that needed my immediate attention in order to survive. Maybe they did it on accident. Maybe on purpose. I don’t believe it was purely accident. At least not for baby sis. There has been bitterness brewing. It comes out on the rare occasions that you confront her enough for her to admit it.

I became heartbroken and so, so depressed. In the past few years or so, almost all of my relationships had been falling apart. That brings me to today. It started with the Advisor. This chapter, or this series of chapters started with my big sister and the Advisor. This might be a long entry. Let me just write and process it so I can move on. In February 2018, before I even started doing any kind of work overseas, I was in the emergency room. My chest had been hurting and my doctor did some test and said I had to go to the emergency room. Maybe I was having a heart attack, he said. I was very afraid. I was in LA by myself. Well, my brother was there, but I struggle with asking him for help because I always feel like he’s annoyed when helping me. Not now. Not anymore. But I used to feel that way.

So I went to the emergency room by myself. I think at the time I had a few friends in LA – a guy who lived an hour away and who has never really had any free time in the ten plus years since I’ve known him; a girl who also lived an hour away and is the sweetest person you can imagine, but is a single mom who also has limited free time; I had a neighbor who was crushing on me and would do passive aggressive stuff to punish me whenever I didn’t respond to his romantic advances; and I had two to six other males friends who were also crushing on me, all of whom I liked for one reason or the other, but all of whom I would eventually have a negative experience with after hanging out, because we would reach a certain point of bonding and then they would directly or indirectly tell me that they want to jump my bones or marry me or they wouldn’t say anything at all but just be looking at me looking all butt hurt and then I’d feel guilty…. That was a long sentence. I’m not editing… I had recently cut off two female friends because of me feeling betrayed one way or the other. It was the first time I had actually cut off a friend because of feeling betrayed. Actually, nope. It wasn’t. It was the first time in a long time I had cut off a friend and it was the first time I had cut off a friend without actually having any backup friend in the vicinity…. SO, because my relationships were all a bit complicated, I went to the hospital alone that day and thought I was having a heart attack.

They checked me in. Put me on all these machines. I cried. At some point, one of my sister’s called me. She wanted to know if I’d come baby-sit her kid and leave in the next few days. I wrote out the whole story but deleted it, cus I think she’d be kind of offended of me telling her business. Suffice it to say, the trip didn’t end too well. In the last day that I was supposed to be in town, I went to the movies with a friend, The Advisor.

Long story short, we went to the movies. I told my brother-in-law I was going hours in advance, and I also messaged sis to tell her I was going. She was at work at the time I left. My companion, who is the Advisor that I’m about to write about, was a friend whom I hadn’t seen in over ten years. He came to pick me up, but actually came to the wrong house to pick me up, so I had to walk down the street to meet him. We went to the movies. It was good. Then on the way back home, I got all these messages from my mom about disrespect and calling me all sorts of names. She said I was inviting people over my sister’s house and just all kinds of accusations. I confronted my sis via text to ask her why mom was saying all this stuff. No one had come over sister’s house the entire time I was there. Even Advisor hadn’t reached the house to pick me up. I hadn’t seen a single person besides my sister’s family during the whole time I was in town besides that one outing with Advisor. Me and my sister got in an argument via text and the argument escalated to an in-person argument once I reached home.

I left the next day. Me and Advisor had a talk – he had recently gotten divorced. I asked him what he wanted. He said he wanted a friend. I said I wanted a husband. He said he’s never getting married again. We agreed to be friends. Before I go on about Advisor’s story, there’s one thing I want to mention about my sister’s story. It’s about my mom. Me and my mom have had a rocky relationship since I was a kid. We always patch things up at the end. But for some reason, the way she talked to me that night changed things in me. She talked to me like a bitch on the street. She talked to me like I had planned to sabotage my sister or I don’t even know. Here I was with my broke almost had a heart attack behind skipping town so I could support sis in her new career endeavor, and mom just took such a bad painting of me as truth and ran with it, ready to knock me out on the streets.

I was hurt. It was the beginning of the end of so many things. I went back to Cali. That was three years ago. Alchemists would say that it was the beginning of the calcination and dissolution of my identity. I systematically broke up with almost everyone I was living life with over the past three years, culminating in these past three months. First my mom and I’s relationship began to shift. It didn’t fall apart, but it was the first time I felt offended and abused. I coudn’t quite get over her talking to me like a b*tch off the street and being so eager to pick up a story about me that wasn’t true – a really foul story – and run with it. That’s what she thought of me? I didn’t even think that’s what she thought of me. It was all quite confusing and it hurt… Then my big sister. We didn’t fall out, but the same. I felt some kind of way about the things that were said, done and not done during my time with her…

Let me get back to the Advisor. During this time, Advisor was flirting with me a bit, but I didn’t take anything he said serious since he had already said he wasn’t getting married and only wanted us to be friends. I hadn’t been overseas to our country of origin yet and so I really didn’t quite understand that no man from this country wants to be a woman’s platonic friend. It’s just not how they are raised. Until he blatantly told me, “Laydie, I want to f*ck you. And please don’t come around me if you don’t want to f*ck me”, I didn’t quite realize that’s what he was really up to in my life. I thought I had had a friend.

My mom moved overseas. I came overseas as well to be with her. We started a farm. As fate would have it, the Advisor got a job overseas as well. A fancy official job. He moved. He literally lived right down the street from me overseas. I could walk to his house in fifteen minutes. We were neighbors for six months and I only saw him once . He tried it with the sex. I didn’t sex him. I might have if he actually had some protection or if he had actually ever gotten an STD test in his life, but lo and behold, he had no protection and he could speak nothing of the STD testings, so no sexy for him. He was mad. That was 2019. I didn’t see him for two and a half years. My first sojourn overseas ended with me and mom planting a farm, me getting sick, throwing a bottle at the wall because mom wasn’t helping me and then me miraculously getting back to the states before dying. I think during that time as well, I started falling out with one of my sisters. Not an actual fallout, but a shift in relationship. It was small, but big. I was really sick. I was, like, dying. I’m not exaggerating. I was dying. I needed to get out of the environment I was in and get some real medical help. But nobody believed me. That sis in particular. She wasn’t trying to help me get out of there. In fact, she was trying to convince me to stay so I could help our mom. I didn’t understand why she couldn’t understand that I was literally dying and literally had been laying in a bed for eight plus hours a day and pooping and pissing on myself and barely able to get words out straight. It registered that either she didn’t believe me or she didn’t care. Either made me feel very very unsafe with her. Like, I felt like I don’t want to be nowhere near if I’m sick. She think I’m somebody’s superhero and gonna have me out here dead or emotionally depleted cus she got some kind of superhuman expectation of me and can’t see that I need normal people stuff.

I’m just gonna write this all out, ‘cuz I never really took a good like at what’s eating Gilbert Laydie. I got back to the states all sick. My younger brother took care of me. It might have been the first time in my life since I was a little girl and my dad used to take care of me that someone actually just took care of me in all the ways I needed. My brother was so happy to see me. He was so happy to take care of me. I felt so Loved. I was getting well. But then one of my other sisters came home. I don’t know what was going on with her and my brother, but they didn’t get along like me and him did. Stuff changed in the house. My brother stopped taking the best care of me. I’m sure I was suffering from some major PTSD or something, but my health started relapsing…

Y’all, my life story is full of shit. My sis he sees me as superwoman wanted me to come visit her. She had come into town and wanted me to go back out with her and visit for a week along with other sis who had just showed up. But when she came in town, she invited me to go to a family sports game with her. I had no energy, y’all. I was so confused about putting one foot in front of the other… And I would say that maybe I wasn’t showing, but my brother got it. I never told my little brother that I would be struggling just to put one foot in front of the other to walk, but one day, he told the family. He told them that I looked like I was completely out of my body and like I had to think of how to put one foot in front of the other to walk. So it showed. Maybe they just couldn’t see it. But I felt it. I went to the game with my sis. I fell asleep in the rafters. I had to pee suddenly. She got upset that I didn’t give prior notice because it delayed some meeting she was supposed to be at. I couldn’t give prior notice because my nerves were offline and I didn’t have prior notice within my own self of when I needed to pee. We went to the store. Her dog was in the car. I hate the smell of dog. I wanted to throw up. She ain’t buy me no ice cream when I asked her. I think she was concerned about me getting fat or ice cream being unhealthy. I didn’t have any money to buy ice cream. I didn’t want to go visit her. I wanted both of them to leave so someone who noticed that I was out of body could buy me ice cream and help me get well. They left. They weren’t happy that I didn’t go spend time with them.

It’s been a tough few years, y’all. Too many stories to tell. At the end, I ended up falling out with the one sister first, then another family emergency had me on some bullshit with my baby sister, off somewhere helping her while she was being all ungrateful acting like she’s doing me favors. She and I’s fallout started there. Culminated earlier this year as she returned asking me for some help and being ungrateful compounded with disrespectful this time. Other sis wanted me to be Superwoman again and lead two full-time businesses while taking the leadership on a new endeavor she had and getting my twitching body in check. We didn’t fall out. I don’t think it’s possible for us to actually fall out, at least not on my end, because her intentions are not bad. But there is a distance between us now. I created the distance…

I created distance between almost everyone. I saw my friend the Advisor about a month ago after not seeing him in two and a half years. Somehow I had reached out to him with vulnerability, and he had responded. And we ended up seeing each other. I met in his fancy office. From there we went and I watched as he practiced his sport… and then he took me home. We talked about meeting again. As fate would have it, I ran smack dab into him at my hotel. It was quite awkward. He was with his official people, and then, out of the blue, he asked me what room I was in. I was on my way out. I told him the room number and then told him but I’m headed out for the day. I would later find out that he didn’t hear me. I had messaged him about something and then he fronted me and asked why I didn’t tell him my room number. We went back and forth and he said I didn’t tell him my room number. I said I told him, which I did, and then I got upset about him implying that I’m lying to him. At some point, he messaged me ” I have the total freedom to stay or not stay in touch with you”. I responded by saying I have the same freedom and he’s not the only one with value. We ended the text exchange with me leaving some long message about how I’m his friend and I ain’t tryna have no more hurtful exchanges with him and me giving him my room number. He didn’t respond.

Today I messaged him asking if he’d like to exchange a hug with me. In retrospect I shouldn’t have. His response was a laughing emoji and “Go away”. I didn’t laugh. I cried. Blocked him. Unblocked him. And here we are. He actually won’t just randomly say anything mean. His messages or communication to me is always in response to me, so I don’t have to worry about him calling out of the blue with some meanness.

So I wrote all this why? Because I’m still sitting in a business lounge just about as sad as can be, wishing I had someone to hug but not having anyone to hug that I feel safe with. My exboyfriend says he misses me. Wants to hang out. My body hurts after being in his space. I feel more hurt than comforted when around him, but he’s the person I’ve talked to most these past seven months.

This morning I had a meditation. Other people might feel differently, but it came to my awareness that I had become accustomed to taking in others pain and giving out goodness in exchange. I never thought to take in goodness and let go of my own pain. Somehow the thought actually seemed offensive to give anyone pain on purpose. But people give me their pain on purpose all the time. Think I’m some hero and that’s my job. If my life were balanced, I might be able to carry more, and I guess what I’m getting to is I can’t do this life by myself anymore.

The message from the Advisor was just – I don’t even know what to say about it. I don’t know how to feel about my life. I wonder those kids feel. The ones who are really, really abused. And then some parent says it’s their fault. They wanted too much attention. Or they were too pretty or cute. Or whatever. Like it was their fault that someone punched them in the face or did something atrocious to them. It was their fault that someone raped or assaulted them. And they grow up with this awful feeling on constant blame and unworthiness and they tend to always be blamed or blame themselves for the extraordinary bad treatment they get in the world.

Allah, sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever make it out of here, or if I’ll spend the rest of my days just writing sad blogs. I’m getting older and I haven’t been able to make it through to this mythical other side. It’s mythical to me, because I haven’t spent much of my adult life over there on the other side of happy. I’ve had moments, but then they pass and the rest of my life is like the bullshit I wrote about in this blog. It’s been some bullshit pain most of my life. Worst things happen to better people, I know, but the things that have happened hit me hard. Bereft is the word I can think of.

Bereft of zeal. Bereft of passion. I’ve been that way for a long, long time, but maybe I just started becoming aware of it in these past few years. I just started feeling it. I actually remember exactly when I started feeling. In 2018. I went to a therapist because my life was full of shit. And she told me to feel stuff. And I realized I had been a disembodied ho for quite a time. It’s ok. I can call myself a ho. I was gonna try and say something insightful or profound to cheer me up after all this sad writing and sad reminiscing, but I won’t.

I was gonna try and write an empowering, energetic manifesto talking about how I would longer accept painful dynamics and today, actually yesterday, was the first day of the rest of my life. But I don’t feel empowered. I don’t feel quite hopeful. I feel sad and like I’ve lost a lot. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I don’t particularly want any of the relationship dynamics the way they were ever again. I don’t particularly think anyone is going to change and I don’t know that changing myself in relation to the folks I was spending life with would change anything. I think I chose to relate to people, certain people, in certain ways because I thought I wasn’t shit. I don’t think so many things that happened are ok. I don’t think it’s me, actually. Well, it’s me. I’m a hypersensitive empath of sorts who took a really long time to realize just how different her thinking and her behaviors are then the average Joe. That notwithstanding, I do believe hypersensitive empaths have a right to this world as well.

Just like people with mental and physical disabilities. They have value, too, and they have to figure out how they can live in this world. So they might not be able to be in large crowds without ear plugs or whatever accommodations they need. I just might not be able to look in certain people’s eyes without getting a headache. Or I might need extra amounts of niceness or intentional goodwill and care. When I say it out loud, it just seems like everyone should need this. It shouldn’t be so special for people to care about how they are making the next person feel. We shouldn’t have to fight for people we Love and people who claim to Love us to act like they Love us.

I’m gonna close this depressive entry out. I will post it, even though it’s sad as can be. And I’m still going to make this blog entry my manifesto. Going to try something new. Going to win this argument in my brain that says you can’t be sad and move forward or that you can’t feel sad and have a different experience of life than you’ve ever had. It’s a lie. Yep. Change looks so many different ways. There are so many factors involved. I don’t have many answers. I’m not gonna sit here and say we are in control of everything. We don’t make the su rise or bring out the moon and healthy, happy people get hit by cars daily and die and evil people rule stuff and some people try really hard and never get to where they want to be – they just aren’t able to figure out or if they figure it out, they just aren’t able to act on what they know.

My dear friend the Advisor doesn’t want to be around me unless I’m gonna f*ck him. I’m not gonna f*ck him, even if he has condoms and is disease free. He’s mean as hell and I don’t feel safe with him. He has his reasons for being mean. He’s actually one of the kindest men I’ve ever known at heart and is just putting up defenses so folks don’t hurt him. I get it. But still. I’ve been that story or been at the effect of that story most of my life. It’s no way to feel safe. You never know when the next person is gonna start punching you for something you didn’t even mean to do.

My manifesto? It is small and quiet. And it is actually the start of something incomplete. It has to be said, though. It has to be done. We have spent a very very long time giving people access to our innards who are either not willing or not able to take care or our innards. And we have been suffering, wounded, because of it. And so, first off, there will be no more access to my innards for those who do not demonstrate a willingness or an ability to take care of those precious parts of me. Do you know that this is the first time I’ve thought of this? Like, how can you ever be happy if you have a wound and yet you just keep punching, pinching, touching, beating up that deep wound everywhere you go? And instead of healing it, you berate it and talk about how it shouldn’t be bleeding that deep. It doesn’t matter who thinks it should or shouldn’t be bleeding. It’s bleeding, dear. The first step is to stop the bleeding. You might feel the pain for a long time, but it will heal eventually if lightening doesn’t strike or some natural disaster doesn’t occur.

These are the things you have control of. You can take of yourself. You have to. You have to, OK? This is me I’m talking to and you I’m talking to if I’m talking to you. You have to take care of yourself and first things first, you have to stop doing and being around things that hurt you. It doesn’t mean you have to hate people. Here is the hard and tricky part. You also have to forgive things that hurt you, including yourself. Don’t ask Advisor to hug you anymore. He doesn’t want to. He’s not consistent. He wants to f*ck you and maybe be your man or maybe not. Just make sure he has access to you on demand. Who knows what he wants. What we know is that he doesn’t want to just hug you on demand AND he will be very mean if he feels vulnerable around you. Now, if you were normal and hadn’t been in a seven year war of constant wounds, this might be easy for you to manage. But since you have been in a about a decade’s worth of stupidness and you are a hypersensitive empath with very few real life connections to boot, being vulnerable to the emotionally unstable Advisor is not the way forward.

I have never taken inventory like this. Relationships. What’s going on with them? Do you feel like you are accepted by the people you spend most of your time with? Do you feel appreciated? Respected? Loved? Emotionally safe? Do you feel like if you win, they will swing you around and be happy for you? Do you feel supported? Fundamentally nourished vibrationally? Y’all sensitive ones, can you be vulnerable with anyone and expect that they will hug you? Does anyone ever hug you? Like give you a hug, not take a hug from you? Give you energy on purpose? You know it if it happens. This is not to make you feel bad. This is to make you aware of why you have probably been depressed or sad or not thriving in the ways that matter most to you for so long. This is not even for you to try and blame all the other people or call them evil or whatever. They, we, are all going through our own things.

But what do you need, dear? What do you need to thrive? What do you need to dream again or to just give up the dream and accept life as it is and make the life you have your dream? What do you need to fall in Love again?

I can not remember the last time I’ve fallen in Love. I don’t even know when is the last time I thought about having a family with someone. When is the last time I wasn’t all disappointed and wounded by a man? I can’t remember these things. When is the last time I had a friend or a teammate that wasn’t looking at me all side eyed and in competition and all bitter and resentful about whatever and unable to smile at me… Let me finish this five hour blog entry. I’ve been writing this blog for almost six hours.

I’m not gonna edit it, and I’m not gonna end my day here. I’m gonna do some other stuff before ending my day and I’m gonna call this my manifesto.

1. I’ll stay away from things that hurt me. Like what? If someone tells me to go away when I’m asking for nourishment and to share Love, I’ll go away. If I tell someone they are hurting me and their response is to dismiss or attack or gaslight, or do anything but ask how they are hurting me, why I am saying that and/or how they can make it better, I will kindly disengage. There are some things that might be hurtful that I can not help but stay away from – certain obligations or responsibilities. I will find ways to engage with those things that feel safe to me. There is always a way.

2. I will find someone to hug and I’ll practice hugging myself until I find someone whose energy is aligned with my own. What does aligned mean? Aligned means what I want to give is what they want or need to receive. And what they want to give is what I want or need to receive.

Just one more. This is not about goals or dreams or ambitions. My new manifesto is about feelings, that part of me that has dominated and been disregarded for so long. When I feel good about something, or rather, when I feel certain about something, it is so, so easy for me to push myself towards taking action. I have been all fickle about so much for so long that it has been so hard for me to push myself to take action. I think it’s because nothing seemed like it would result in me feeling good in any form or fashion. In fact, everything just seemed like it would bring more of the same pain. So, voila! I’m not motivated by sheer ambition anymore. I’m not motivated by others’ expectations of me. Maybe I have finally gotten somewhere. I used to say I was motivated by trying to live my destiny and I actually was, but that doesn’t even do it anymore. I think it’s because sh*t got to feeling so bad that what motivates me now is the possibility of things just not feeling so bad. That’s really it. Dude, if my destiny feels like sh*t nonstop, I’m so sorry, but I’ll have to opt out. I’m interested in feeling good.

Can I tell you a secret? I’m pretty sure I was a goddess or something in another life. I’ve never felt particularly compelled to prove that I can do stuff. I’ve never felt like I couldn’t do whatever I wanted as far as material stuff is concerned. But what has always tripped me up is this feeling that I wouldn’t be Loved if…. If what? Fill in the blank. And this has stopped me from doing so much stuff. This is the deepest wound. This is the deepest fear. This is the redundant experience we have been reliving. And this is the second day of the rest of our lives and we live without that false and distorted thinking now. We will be Loved if, and and but. That is the third item on my manifesto. The most important.

3. I will Love myself if, and and but no matter what. What does this mean? What does this look like? Louise Hay has this mantra, may her beautiful soul Rest In Peace: I Love myself therefore. What do you do if you Love yourself? You eat the foods you need. And what else? You find out what you need and you give it to yourself. You don’t just do that if you didn’t make any mistakes. You don’t just do that if you met a certain benchmark. You find out what you need and you give it to yourself period. The end. Full stop. You don’t give up on yourself no matter how hard and how long you have been trying to do a thing. You assess and reevaluate and try a different way. You give yourself permission to be helped. Eventually you will get to the part of loving others and doing all this stuff for others, but not because it’s forced. You will do all that because you want to. Because it feels good. Because you feel honored to Bless others. Not because you want attention or credit or accolades or because you have to. It lands different when you Love someone because you want to, and not because you have to. We are only fooling ourselves when we think that others don’t know the difference. Hypersensitive empaths always know the difference.

We’ll stop here finally. We’ve gotten to the center of the tootsie roll. You will be Loved, Laydie, if and and but no matter what. You will find someone to hug whose hug doesn’t have negative repercussions. Even now. Even if you just start with you at first. You will stay away from things that hurt you, no matter if it makes sense. You have been hurting for so long. I’m sorry, ya. I’m sorry.

Day 562

If, And and But; No Matter What (You Will Be Loved)

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