Day 560 – Love, Laydie

Y’all. I have fifteen minutes before doing work. I wrote out all the things I have to do. The list is long. I know there is a way to pause and get all the past stuff done before picking up new stuff, but I keep picking up new stuff and not doing the past… I just want to process all this energy flowing through me so I can feel a little stable before really getting into this day.

I think I’m in Love. It’s always about a man, a friend or family… What about me? So much has happened. I cut some people off. Cut umbilical cords. Mostly, I feel guilty about this kind of thing. How will such and such make it without me? How arrogant. I am not God. This time, finally, I don’t feel guilty. I feel proud of myself for saying no to anything and all things that are not loving, kind, respectful and lined with the intention of goodwill. I have never in my life done that before. I have always been too afraid to let go of certain relationships.

God made the relationships painful and stupid enough for me to finally realize all the shits that have been in the way of all the goods. Owning my life. Self-responsibility. Power. Joy. Fully being present. Finding places to share all the things that I want to receive. Finding places where I am received but not exploited: seen, taken care of, supported in the ways I need, applauded. Not resented and treated like I’m only good for what I give. Celebrated for efforts and forgiven and encouraged when I am weak and my heart and true intentions being seen. Doing the same for others. What a world. What concepts.

I met a guy. Some young guy. Rather, he met me. He busted my heart wide, wide open and gave me a reference point of care. He’s broke as a joke, but gives me things, like his clothes, his food, his energy… He holds my backpack. He sees my heart and wants me to be happy. He keeps my company. He lives in a little place, but invited me to come and stay with him so I could save money and have support. He’s just about as sexy as a man comes. He swims with me in oceans and picks me up on his back and spins me around in circles like a kid. He’s honest to a fault. His kiss is magic. Passion unrestricted. If I do something that offends, he tells me right away. We talk about it. I say sorry. Change behavior. He forgives. He’s brilliant. I think he’s smarter than me. He likes to dance even though he can’t and likes to see me dance. He’s the religion my family approves of, but is quite all right with me believing and practicing whatever suits me…

He talks about following my heart. I wonder how he came from this place. He’s powerful and so kind. He speaks to waiters with respect and friendliness. He gives charity to people. He’s always laughing in his eyes. He busted my heart wide, wide open… Him and a few other recent encounters… My heart is busted wide, wide open. I have missed myself so much… Of course my ex boyfriend tried to come back and get together with a vengeance. He felt the energy. I have moved on.

Finally, maybe for the first time in my life, I have fully decided not to consort with abuse and not to be abusive, even if it means being alone for a while till I figure out how to be nice and till I find people who are naturally interested in being nice as well. Or till the fatheads already in my life give abuse a break finally and start acting like humans and treating others like humans… My ex is not a monster. At his core, he is a sweetheart and he’s nice enough. But most of our relationship has been riddled with conflict. He doesn’t swim in oceans or dance or swing you around or greet waiters with kindness or give charity on the streets or try and find ways to save you money. I have never been to his house. He has never talked about me being happy or opening my heart… Not because he’s a bad person. Just because his thoughts and interests are in other places…

But I ain’t. Nope. I ain’t trying to turn an apple into an orange. Let him be an orange and let me be what I am and let us find what makes us comes alive and be at peace in this world…

My time is up and time to start my work.

Have a Blessed day everyone. Thanks for reading.

Love,

Laydie

Day 560

Love, Laydie