Day 557- I Love You I Love You I Love You

Y’all. I want to tell you something. Yesterday I couldn’t get off the bed. Stayed in the room all day long. Didn’t see a single person. Was all up in my feelings. Feeling so low. I wrote a blog entry, but didn’t post it. Deleted it. Was processing my feelings. Talked about my boyfriend. I broke up with him. I had a boyfriend. I’ll just call him that for simplicity purposes. We never really sat down and said, “Hey, I’m your boyfriend and I’m your girlfriend and we’re going somewhere”, but we were dating and I wasn’t dating anyone else while I was dating him.

So whatever happened or didn’t happen, none of us were happy in the relationship. I blame him for everything, but that’s another entry. I blame me for even going anywhere with him, when from the very beginning, something in my intuition said, no, I can’t be 100% with him, but because I couldn’t find the reason mentally, I just decided to give it a try. We hurt each other a lot. He lie too much. That was the reason that my subconscious picked up on from the very first day when he called me by my name (without me ever introducing myself to him) and then subsequently told me he had never heard of me and didn’t know anything about me and only wanted me to work with him because his spirit took me. “How he know your name if he don’t know anything about you?” my subconscious nudged. But I couldn’t decipher it’s language and just took as me being hesitant to be with him for reasons I couldn’t understand.

The reasons presented themselves and ultimately culminated in me recognizing a lifelong pattern – probably lives long pattern – that I can finally discard. Laydie the martyr. The one who needs nothing and gives all, to a point where people forget that I have needs and actually begin to resent me if I speak of them. Whose giving of all is not seen, appreciated or respected because nothing but constant lifeblood on demand will do for the receivers. I take responsibility for it all. I’m not gonna blame myself, though. I’m not gonna beat myself up. I’m not gonna blame or beat anyone else up, either. I’m gonna do something different. Forgive. So, my therapist said there’s a way. I started seeing a therapist. I needed somewhere in my life that I could talk to someone who didn’t hurt me, even if I had to pay for it.

I cried so much yesterday. Mourned so much yesterday. I was in so much pain. And today I’m not. What shifted, you ask? Well, I’d like to say I did it all, but really I didn’t. I know you might not believe in God, but I have to tell you what has worked for me. What has worked for me is believing in more than me. Maybe it’s a mental trick. Maybe there is God. Surely, there is more to life than I can perceive. I prayed for so much help yesterday. I felt overtaken by grief and unable to take action on anything. I was supposed to be making all these decisions about my next moves and doing all this work, but I didn’t do a doggone thing. I didn’t even sleep on the bed. I stayed on the couch the majority of the day and night. I didn’t eat anything besides some peanuts that I had. And I drank a bit of water. I’m sure the peanuts gave me a pimple. Finally, after 10p at night, I ordered some food. A peanut stew dish and some pounded yams…

Somewhere during the day/night, I reached out. I reached out to my friend and mentor, My People, and told him how I was tired of this experience of life and I wanted a new experience. I thought about people who jump off bridges because their lives are so bad and they can’t see any hope, but my culture just doesn’t allow for bridge jumping. I listened to Abraham Hicks talk about something I don’t remember – making your own self happy. I reached out to another friend, the Advisor. He’s not really a friend, but he’s a friend at heart. Even though we’ve exchanged some very very painful moments, I never quite believe he hates me. I always feel like he’s really, really rooting for me. So I reached out to him. I told him I was sad and that my life sucks and that I could really use a friend. In our recent past, he normally says mean things to me and rejects me when I reach out to him, but this time he didn’t. He asked me what was going on and I explained the devastation of the past three years to him, which coincidentally started right after I had gone to the movies with him three years ago, and was greeted back home with a fist fight with my older sis, who was mad at me for a plethora or reasons, but namely for not being her martyr and having the audacity to have fun when she wasn’t having any. That incident, which was followed by my mom attacking me like a bitch off the street and having a convo with said sister wherein mom accused me of all sorts of falsities that had happened at sister’s house and sister didn’t bother to tell her the truth about what happened, started my realizations of my role in my birth family. The shit role.

I have been consciously and unconsciously disentangling myself from a relationship matrix that is no good for me ever since, and recreating the same old dynamics and suffering the pain of losing relations with people whom I have lived my whole life with side by side. But our relationships just weren’t doing it for me anymore. I was not happy. I did not feel like many of the people close to me would really, really, clap for me if I reached my full potential and wish me good will, much less support me. And they definitely evidenced that they will not be there for me at my worst. They will kick me and judge me and ask me for stuff and hurt me and roll their eyes when I am at my lowest instead of having compassion and helping me. And worst of all, they will accuse me of the worst of intentions, probably projecting their own bullshit onto me. All of this has been happening over the past few years. I’ve been living all this shit out. I’ve been an emotional wreck for the most part, not able to find much stability anywhere.

So yesterday, I also listened to a bit of a psychic reading on one of my friend’s Facebook pages. A lady who claims to be a psychic. I like her. I don’t think she’s faking her reality and she says good stuff that resonates with me sometimes. So I listened to some of her online video yesterday, and she said, “If the house around you burns down, rejoice!” If that wasn’t a word, I don’t know what is.

My friend the Advisor didn’t reject me like he usually does. He treated me with intentional kindness and asked me what I need in order to get better in life and he also asked me if there was anything he could offer. Then he called me. I haven’t had a real conversation with him in years. it was good to talk to him. We talked. He’s brilliant. I appreciate his brilliance and his sincerity and his ability to get to the heart of a thing. He believes me and he believes in me… He believes in the goodness of me and that was enough.

Meanwhile some other new guy in my life. I don’t have a name for him. Nameless. He sings corny eighties songs to me. I guess he grew up in the eighties, which makes him old as dirt. Nameless claims he’s in love at first sight with me. I really can’t make this stuff up. I have to write a comedy about this Love life of mine. It is really so so very funny from the outside looking in. I ain’t gone say nothing negative about Nameless. I’m just going to appreciate him, because if I hadn’t met him – I met him about three days ago at breakfast at the hotel I’m lodging at… If I hadn’t met him, and if he hadn’t been so nice to me and so open and so accepting and complimentary of me, I would not have agreed to have met him for dinner. And if I hadn’t met him for dinner, my boyfriend at the time would not have acted like a jealous ass. And if my boyfriend wouldn’t have acted like a jealous ass, he wouldn’t have made me think of all the women I’ve known who have had jealous boyfriends who have sabotaged their work meetings and life ambitions because they were jealous. And if I hadn’t thought of all those women I’ve known, and even thought of my own self years ago when I dated a jealous and was in constant closed up terror and sadness… If I hadn’t thought of my desire to never, ever be like that again, then I might not have broken up with my boyfriend.

And if I hadn’t met Nameless for dinner and had a two hour conversation with him, wherein he talked about his raison d’être… If he hadn’t spoken about passion, passion! The word I had said to boyfriend just a day earlier, which boyfriend had ignored and dismissed as trivial. If Nameless hadn’t talked about the importance and necessity of passion, then I just might not have believed it was possible for me to meet folks who I could be aligned with, and I just might not have had the courage to break up with my now ex when I came home and ex told me he ain’t going dancing with me and he ain’t dancing at home with me, either. I got dressed and told him I was going dancing anyway. And I took ex home.

I do believe the next day, ex came over and was curious about who tried to hit on me when I went dancing. I didn’t engage in the conversation. Ex spend the night, and in the morning, he wanted me to walk him out. I didn’t walk him out because it makes me look like a ho if I’m walking a man out in the morning. And me and ex weren’t even having sex. If I’m gonna look like a ho, at least let it be valid. Ex got mad about me not walking him downstairs.

I saw ex the next day. He was still mad. Was on his phone the whole time during our meetup. In my mind, I was like, this is some shit. Me and ex had experienced a lot of bullshit before this. Mostly him lying about almost everything and just not being kind to me. I guess he didn’t feel safe with me. I can own that. I didn’t make him feel safe because he wasn’t safe. Because he started out lying and I couldn’t trust him. Talking about him is taking me to the dark emotional space, so let me shift gears and get to the point of this blog entry. This entry started with a point in mind.

I broke up with ex. I was devastated because he had been my “with” for the past six months and I didn’t have a new potential “with” in sight. I was lonely and I was feeling all of the sadness of my breakdowns with family, my breakdowns with good friends, and my inability to get in just one healthy romantic relationship. And also judging myself because so much magic and opportunity always comes my way, but somehow I am not able to fully harness it and complete stuff and just move on to the next chapter. The next chapter frightened me. Actually stepping into my full potential frightened me. There was a belief in me that my family and friends would hate me even more if I was actually as successful as I could be. They hate me already when I’m unsuccessful, generally jobless, up and down cash flow, manless, friendless, raggedy-is apartment, unstable health and fat-ish for the past few years. How they gone act if/when I’m fine, healthy, live in an owned mansion with staff and stuff and if I have my dream career that pays really well? And if I have a fine, good man that is actually nice to me??? And I’m a public figure and helping the world and blah blah blah??? They just might try to kill me. At least that’s what it feels like in my mind.

Yesterday I went through all these thoughts and feelings and didn’t have a resolution for much. I ended the night asleep on my couch. My couch is the hotel couch. I felt homeless and lost. I didn’t know my next plans. There was no where to go. No one to come home to. My friend the Advisor advised that I be open to new possibilities and be open to meeting new people and having new sorts of relationships. I told him I was scared to get hurt again. He asked me what are my options. The option I had been choosing for some time was just to withdraw and hide away from the world. It wasn’t working. Another option that I had never thought of was to face the world in ways that are safe to me. What a concept. Eff what everybody says or thinks. Eff some energy vampire or attacker saying I spend too much money or I’m not working enough or I need to do this or that involve them in my life because they are going to “support” when really they are hurtful as hell to me. Nope. Find safe places to be in the world.

Today I woke up feeling better than yesterday. I was able to sit up and meditate. I was able to come out of the room and go down and eat breakfast. I read part of my inspirational book “Oneness” and they said I had arrived. Support, happiness and alignment were mine. Completion of life theme issues was here. It was a really encouraging read. During breakfast, one of the staff complimented my new slimmed down shape. Then I came to the business lounge to start work. My energy was feeling kind of low and off, so I did a Positive Intelligence meditation and then a breathing meditation. You breath in through your stomach, chest and up through your throat and nose for eight counts, you hold it for 24, and then you breathe out from your stomach, chest and up through your throat and nose for sixteen counts. I did that for seven minutes. It felt good. It felt like something was moving around me. Some kind of energy. A friend of mine messaged me to tell me he loves me. He does. I can feel it. He has always been so very supportive and kind and open with me. I so appreciate him

So, this is what my day has been today. I feel better. Much, much better than the darkness of yesterday. You know, they haven’t diagnosed me with it, but I might be bipolar. I can’t believe how I can experience such extremes of emotion from one day to the other. I ain’t gonna claim bipolar or any other condition, but I am gonna share one more thing with you before I go…

I had asked my therapist how to deal with my family. Most of the times most of them call me, it tanks my day in a bad way. They are mostly calling to ask for shit or blame me for shit and then throw energetic resentment darts on top of that. I want to talk to them, but not really. Not like this. Many of them are full of shit in my opinion. I may be full of shit as well, but I’m quite all right with my own shit at the moment. I’m not OK with constant attack, abuse, meanness, advantage, usury, ill will and demands that clearly hurt me with no support to meet such demands. One of my family members had call me to tell me about whatever (fill in something that means “You’re bad. Do what I say even if it’s bad for you or else I won’t approve of you.”) I got off the phone and really wanted to never talk to these people again. My therapist suggested that I take things in doses. I don’t have to answer their calls and I can answer them when it’s good for me in ways that are good for me. When I’m charged up since they are most likely in a place of draining and/or depleting me. Secondly, I can still be nice them. That’s harder for me and will require some internal work, but I’ll do it, God willing. I’m not as mad as I used to be but still not feeling like doling out much niceness. I will find the part of me that has compassion, forgiveness, and Love for myself and for them, though. So, here’s the thing that was new to me. Therapist said I don’t have to stand in the line of fire. I can stay out of the line of fire and offer what I genuinely feel like offering to them when I genuinely feel like offering it. Not because they’ve bullied or manipulated me, and they gone try it with the manipulation. Do it because I want to. It’s a nice thought. The idea of being able to love who you love and not be hurt by them even if they don’t change not one doggone bit.

I’m gonna get off this blog now and do some writing on my project. Y’all pray for me, please. I want a better life. I want to be a better life. I want to experience real joy while I’m in this body and I want to be a good person while I’m on this Earth. Honestly, I don’t want all these bad relationships. They had to die because they were built on contracts that did not fully allow the participants to be the best of themselves and have what they need to thrive. On both ends. I understand that now. I’m not ready to renegotiate any of these old contracts yet. Some will be renegotiated and some will be expired for life.

I want to offer you this before I close. Be good to yourself. I know you might feel like you don’t deserve it. Maybe you did some shitty things. I forgive you, OK? Forgive yourself even if the bastards don’t. Don’t feel guilty about feeling better. Don’t feel guilty about thriving. Don’t feel guilty about finally seeing something other than this dark, dark hole you’ve been in for so long. You don’t have to spend your life trying to save people in order to feel like a good person. I know that’s what you thought this life was about and maybe that’s what it was once upon a time, but it’s not that anymore. You are a good person, OK? Just because. And your thriving will Bless so many more people than you being all hurt all the time. We all know that when you win, the first thing you do is share your wins with others. We all know you can’t be selfish even when you want to, because your life’s work and your life ambitions are all about service. There are boundaries that you need now, though, and others might view them as selfishness. You know what they are. You know you can’t thrive with your feelings hurt all the time. You know you’re not good when you have no one who doesn’t hate you in your life. You know you need dance. I am with you. Get what you need no matter who calls you what. You have to live, OK? I want you to live. And give what is good for you to give as you see fit to give it. You are a giver, after all, and the world knows that and that is why the world keeps giving you chance after chance after chance to keep giving.

You have changed. Right now. Today. It has changed. Your life has changed. You are not the same person you used to be. You are wiser, stronger, softer. You have learned many, many lessons. Even though you can’t tell, you are more loving and stable than you’ve ever been. And you haven’t been able to see it, but others can see it from the outside looking in. Your life is a good life. Be willing to embrace that my Love, and even in those dark, dark moments, take comfort in knowing that it may pass.

God Bless you. Bless you. May your path continue to be Blessed. I Love you I Love you I Love you so much!

Sincerely,

Laydie

Day 557

I Love You I Love You I Love You