Day 558 – Fully

Depressed is an understatement. If you’ve never felt it, what it feels like as like your mind goes offline. To the point that absolutely nothing that made sense makes sense anymore. Eventually, if it goes on long enough, you stop believing in yourself. You stop believing good things are possible. You keep letting yourself down. People keep letting you down and you feel deeply unsafe in this world.

Heroes don’t come or if they do, they come with swords behind their backs and will stab you for whatever ego calls for at the moment… This is trauma. This is what it feels like. This is what it looks like. The odd thing is, when you see a traumatized person, sometimes they seem very relatively happy. Functional. Successful by some measure. Lucky.

I won’t write long this morning. I’m going to do some work. I’ve been saying that for a long, long time, but not finishing anything. There’s this guy in the hotel I’m in. I’m overseas in a hotel because no where in the world feels like home and I don’t really have anywhere to go… So, there’s this guy here. He’s from overseas, too. And nowhere in the world feels like home to him, either. He’s really cute. And he’s got a million issues like me as well. He was in jail once upon a time, and then he got out and he started a big business for ex convicts and now he has a bunch of money. And his ancestry is from this country. And he came back trying to heal the world, but then he got in deep and found out the world is shit and now he’s half assing his life like me and just kind of almost doing stuff, but you can tell that he’s not fully into anything and not fully leading anything and not fully following anything, either.

Fully is the topic of this blog. There’s nothing I’m fully into, either. I’m supposed to be, I know. But none of looks interesting. All of it hurts. And I’m afraid to hope for anything anymore. There you have it. That’s the truth. Nobody came, Allah. I’m mad at you. Nobody came to help me. Nobody came to Love me. I tried. I really did try. I thought I was a good a person, but my life looks like I am only a person to be used and my good is only there to be envied and punished because of. And my humanness and mistakes are not allowed and punished so deeply that if it doesn’t break me then they won’t stop. And I feel sorry for myself, but no one else does. Even my sorrow is resented. I am surrounded by pimps. But there is no escape. Everywhere I go, I am a ho. A ho that doesn’t even have sex. A loser…

But everyone thinks I’m a winner. That’s the saddest part. Because it means I can’t get no real help. I can’t get no real Love.

I’m here in a hotel. My money is running out. I don’t know where my home is. I don’t know where my heart is. Someone told me I don’t own my life and take responsibility for it all, and they were right. And I don’t even care.

So what are our options, dear reader? If you’ve been stuck in depression for so long and just can’t seem to get out? If you’ve been in limbo over and over? If nothing motivates you because life just seems like a big load of shit? If all the things you were supposed to do – be proud, be somebody, show, prove, compete, sacrifice for approval – if you want don’t want to do all that? If you don’t want fake shit but everything in your life and everyone in your life is fake shit and you don’t know how to change it or even care to change it because you don’t believe the change is possible? If opportunities knock endlessly but you don’t take them because you’re too scared that the wold will hurt you again? What do you do? If you want a man and a family and all that but all you see is blah blah bullshit? And you stay with blah blah bullshit because you don’t want to be alone? But blah blah bullshit hurts?

I want to say we’re going to love ourselves and do all this She-rah stuff and make a warrior’s story out of our lives, but I don’t really believe it. “Act as if”, Claire says, but I don’t believe it, either. I wish someone would hold my hand. I have a life coach and a success coach, but still don’t feel like my hand is held. Maybe they are not for me. They are for strong and powerful women, not crazies that literally need a hand held. They think I’m more capable than I think I am, and this is hard for me.

They said I was a magician – a witch, actually. Wise and powerful and Loving and kind. But I see none of it in my life anymore. I see a shadow of who I used to be. I see a broken heart. I see deep, deep loneliness and aloneness. I see disillusionment and despair. I see wasted talent and wasted brain and wasted body. I see a loving mother with no children. I see a joyful partner with no team. I see a dancer with no dance partner. I see a touch healer and deeply sensual woman with no one safe to touch and no one to touch her. And you say I did it to myself and I say I wish I could do it different, but I don’t believe I can.

So what is there to do? Walk into the ocean and never look back? I think of it sometimes. I know suicidal thoughts now. I understand them now. You just don’t see a way out of your pain. You just don’t have anything to look forward to. You just don’t feel capable of change. I get it. I’m in it. Not fully in it, either… In a decade’s long limbo, not fully into anything.

And asking you, Allah, how can I get out? The way is not here alone in isolation. I know that much. My ear is buzzing as I write. But I haven’t found partners aligned and compatible yet…

So, my pity party was disturbed by someone coming into the business lounge where I am in to tell me how much they admire me… God, you got so many jokes and twists and signs and turns… And then someone else called me to ask if they could join me and work with me today… So you mean to tell me you wan give me small hope, God? I put out an email for people to join me and be a part of a new writers/accountability group. Some people responded immediately. So you mean to tell me that there is a possibility that folks will want to do stuff with me?

Ok fine, God. Pity party over. And thank you. Nothing huge shifted. Just came out of a dark feeling and into a lighter feeling of a little bit of hope. It’s enough. It doesn’t take that much for me. Maybe a fool, or maybe a genius. Maybe I’ll just keep trying. Or maybe fully I’ll just keep trying. I will fully keep trying. If I’m being honest, I haven’t fully tried anything all the way. Almost fully. My life coach asked me to dedicate just thirty days to fully. Fully showing up for me. Even if fully looks like partly sometimes. Even if fully looks like fifteen minutes of writing before my whole nervous system goes into chattered teeth and meltdown. Just fully something. So, for the next fifteen minutes, and if I can, even going up to one hour, I will fully fully fully be full of myself. Yep. All of me. Just allow all of me to be online and onboard. Fully present. And do a thing. Just one thing. I’ve been so afraid of all things all the time.

So I’ll bring my whole self right here fully present right now to do one thing for my one self without feeling guilty about not doing all things that are asked of me from all so many people. We’ve upgraded. It doesn’t look like it. It doesn’t feel like it. In fact, it feels downright crazy to even say or think we’ve upgraded when we feel like shit and are thinking about walking into oceans…

But if I take a long step back and look at me from the outside looking in, I would wrap my arms around me so, so tight. Because it has taken half a lifetime for me to be okay with thinking about me first. It has taken half a lifetime for me to say no to abuse. For me to put a sign on the door to my life that says, “If you are not entering with kindness, respect or at the very least no ill will towards me, you can’t come in.” I never thought of those things before. I gave access to any depths to anyone who asked for it and didn’t ask for any kind of treatment in return. And people got used to seeing me as someone just there for them. To the point that they got offended and felt like I was asking for too much if I even asked for my basics to survive so I can help them… I’ll own it. There is so much I’ll own.

You know, we don’t do most of these things on purpose, so don’t get too down on yourself once you realize your own part in creating the shitty shit life you feel like you have. I’m not going to get all unrealistic and fantastical about it. Too much might not change. But something might. I don’t know how I got in my mind that love and friendship and having at least one person in my life or one space in my life where I can express and/or be the best of myself and they will clap and celebrate me, and/or having at least one person in my life or one space in my life where I could express and/or be the worst of myself and they would hold me or comfort me – that has been my deepest wish and dream. Having someone to Love for real that felt safe to Love… Oh, I’ve been even scared to imagine it was possible to like, have a career and be surrounded by people who were interested in the same kinds of things I was interested in and people who supported each other…

But all of this is indeed possible. Maybe. My old doubting mind started to doubt right after I wrote that. Started telling me I’m supposed to be all depressed and hopeless like I was when I started this blog. I’ve become used to it. It it possible that I could become used to something else? One thing at a time. I’m gonna go imagine possibility, and then I’m gonna go give myself fifteen minutes to fully engage into a project that has been never ending. Maybe I can finish it today.

Thanks God for the small miracles. Ameen.

Day 558

Fully