Day 556 – Feel Better

I realized something. The difference between successful and unsuccessful people often boils down to the team they have and how they are able to work with them. Y’all. Your girl has been suffering. For a long, long time. Life for a hypersensitive, intuitive empath is not the easiest, especially if you spend a long time not acknowledging, respecting or accepting who you are… I got distracted. Distracted myself, rather. Finished up on my transformation of identity cards today. My mom is calling me. I don’t want to talk to her. Sorry for saying that. Most people calling me always asking for something from me. They’re not particularly interested in really helping me thrive and are all jealous or mad or mean or try to pull my energy if they see I’m anywhere near anything besides struggling and desperate. God forbid they find out I’m happy and actually have free time and have the audacity to do things with my life that actually bring me pleasure. Just me. Just because I want to feel good. It’s a thing. I am going to make a huge assumption, but if you are depressed and have been wallowing in the mud for a while, I’m going to assume that part of it is because you’ve been utterly utterly alone for quite some time. Not alone, like there are no people in your life. There might be people. There are most likely people there – family, friends, lovers – but you’re relationships with them leave you feeling so many things that you don’t want to feel. I’m so very very sorry. You have been trying to change them. You have been trying to change you and maybe it hasn’t been working. They have only gotten meaner. You have only gotten meaner. And you are tired of it all. May I suggest a time out? In this moment? Like, right right now. Time out, peace and pause… We’ve been on this blog for quite some time. -Laydie, I want to tell you something you already know. You’ve been denying your magic, wisdom and power. I know you have your reasons. But for the next twenty-one days, I would like you to do something else. Accept it. Accept your wisdom, knowledge and power. You know you’re not going to marry the guy you’ve been dealing with. Why? because he doesn’t make you feel good. Full stop. The haters will say no one is perfect, and that’s true, but overall, he doesn’t comfort you. He doesn’t get you. He doesn’t respect the things that are important to you. You feel like you have to put up walls and boundaries and make so many demands of him in order to get your needs met, and it’s every day, because he is not used to giving. It’s not his way. He only gives to the downtrodden, and that is fine, but that agreement is not for you anymore… Do you see what you have been doing? You have a matrix of belief that has you here thinking you are only supposed to helped, given to, loved, if you are down and out. That if you dare thrive, if you dare be healthy, if you dare be happy and care free, if you dare have a man you Love and have enough of anything, then punishment is your reward. -Today, I’d like you to pull up this weed that has been eating your happiness and blocking your joy. And the other one, that you have to build a man, that you learned from your mother and father. It is not the truth. It’s ok, you hear, if you meet a man who wants to build you. You met one, actually, who wants to give to you. You met one, really, who wants to breathe life into you. You can take care of him if you like. No one who Loves you would advise you stay with the man you’re with. He doesn’t dance with you. He doesn’t meet your needs. He doesn’t understand your passion. He is looking to eat of you and only beginning to understand what it means to give. And Love. And you Love the new guy you met… Can we be honest? This is not exactly where I thought we’d be going with this blog. I had the idea of support and belonging on my mind when we started this. Can I open up my arms and let chips fall where they may? I think it’s time for that. Let chips fall where they may. Let life be what it may. Surrender> let go of control and at the same time walk with single eyed focus. OK. God. For the next twenty-one days, I’m going to join a group, to walk with single-eyed focus with. Let me be honest with myself. I do not want to waste life to so much sadness and regret. I want to be done with this. This part. This part of always feeling stunted. This part of always feeling hurt. This part of never belonging. This part of not feeling accepted. This part of having so many projects in my mind and heart that aren’t expressed. This part of playing low. Can we ask folks about team building? Can we ask about making friends? Is it project to project things? I am going through a change in thought and my anxious self wants to leap out of my body. But I am choosing in this moment to stay put. And choose another thought. Choose to own my power. Choose to own my wisdom. Choose to own my knowledge. Choose to own my magic. Choose to be so whole… It feels funny to make those choices. The nerves in my low back begin to tingle. But it’s the only choice that sets us free. It doesn’t just happen. If your muscles have been all tightened for years and your thinking has been all tightened for years and your life has been all dysfunctional for years, it doesn’t just change without some action upon it. Can we make this day the day? Not so grandiose? Not with all these big commitments. Can we do something really small? Can we go somewhere with someone? Can we travel in our backs? Can we let go in our bellies? The places that want so bad to hold on… Can we let them go? Every single one of them… Y’all? I’ve been feeling sad for a long, long time. I’ve been trying to figure this life thing out for a long, long time and I know I’ve just been running in circles and circles. And I’ve been on roller coaster rides with so many ups and downs… And, maybe it’s easy to see the answers from the outside looking in, but the answers haven’t come so easily to me. umm… But I do know, what I want to say right now and put out to the world, is that I’m not giving up. Nope. I’m not giving up on life. I’m not giving up on the possibility of peace and happiness. At least peace. At least peace of mind. At least an existence where I can feel better than depressed more often than not I know it would have been much easier if I had just stuck with a religion. I could say that this is the meaning of life and this is why we do this, that and the other and measure everything up against a reference point. Be good, believe this, do ABC and D, and then you’ll get some reward at some point. And if you’re suffering here, you can make it mean something. Still keep doing the same things your religion says and things will get better. I’m writing too much. But I was trying to get somewhere. What are we gonna do about all this sadness? What are we gonna do about these relationships that we just can’t make sense of? How are we gonna change ourselves or grow ourselves so that every day of our lives is not perpetual Groundhog Day? What will it take to be happy? What do we gotta do, God? I can’t keep living like this. I can’t keep going through the same experiences in different presentations. I want to be free now. This is where I was getting to. I want to be free now. And you say to describe what I want. My family. I want them to stop hating on me and judging me and competing with me so much, to accept me as I am and actually have good will towards me. To be kind to me, not because they are forced or obliged to, but because they want to because they Love me. And to recognize that I am more than just a support system for them and that I, too, need support and Love. I can’t even dream that big, but it would be amazing if I ever truly felt the real energy of support and Love from them, even if I was super awesome. I’d like them to forgive me, even for the stuff I’m not sorry for. Don’t judge. This is my dream. I ain’t really sorry for much because I feel like most of my meanness is by far well earned. I wish I could be nicer to them and want for them the same things that I want them to want for me, instead of just being guarded around them and not allowing Love to flow. I feel so unsafe with them, Allah. Like they just want to eat my flesh. Like they are not ok with my happiness. Like I have to hide it from them because if they find out I’m doing good, they will try and steal my joy, or they will resent me and want me to come join them wherever they are, even if it’s self-imposed misery because of their asshole antics. I don’t want to go places with them. I didn’t want to be around them overseas because I don’t like the way they treat people and I don’t like their attitudes. I wish my uncles and cousins weren’t so evil. That they hadn’t tried to sink my mom on so many occasions and sink us as well. I wish there was somewhere or someone in my life that I could really trust. Now we’re getting super honest. I remember my therapist telling me few years ago that I had no one that would stand with me at my worst or celebrate me at my best… And it was true. My family kicks me and resents me at my worst because they expect me to be their hero, and they kick me and resent me at my best because they expect me to be their hero, or maybe they want to be the hero and feel left behind… And then mom tries to guilt me into saving everyone and giving my blood to everyone the moment it starts flowing, and I never really get to the place where I’m full up before I start sinking again… Those are the patterns I want to push delete on, but it all seems so sad and daunting and impossible. I can’t even open my mouth to say I wish I had a man and a family of my own or I wish I belonged somewhere or I wish I had some friends I could laugh with. I don’t know what happened to my friends. They all disappeared. And I don’t want any of them back. I mean, not like we were. I was mostly captain save-a-ho. We were not supposed to succeed. None of us. I find it funny, though, and might want to take heed that they think I have succeeded. It’s actually quite hilarious and it’s a place to start as we go through this brick by brick of allowing for a whole new world and a whole new life experience. They think I am successful because I am here, traveling the world half the time, living my dreams, focusing on whatever I gosh darn want to, whenever I want to, somehow having the money to do these kinds of stuff even though they know nothing about a job from me for years. I guess I am pretty super lucky from the outside looking in. But people don’t feel my loneliness. They don’t feel my back trembling almost every blessed day as I face some kind of fear. Or the pain in my thighs. They don’t understand my chattering teeth or shaky hands or the ache and tension in my body from not enough hugs and no good sex for too long. They don’t know how much I yearn to laugh my heartiest without reprimand and how creative I actually am and how hard it is to have so much of me unexpressed… They don’t know how frustrating it is and how deeply saddening it is to be walking through this life alone. Y’all.. my momma just called me to attack me for whatever whatever…. I ain’t doing this no more. Yeah nope. I’m proud of myself. I ain’t doing it no more. Lord, why my momma don’t like me? I feel like the character on Million Dollar Baby… and Jenny from Forest Gump. Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly away. Far, far away. Why my mamma so abusive. Why does she think it’s ok to constantly abuse me. I’m tired of being abused by my mom. I’m not doing it anymore… Lord, how do I stop my mamma from abusing me? Let me tell you what we not gonna do today. We not gonna fight my mamma. We not even gonna try and convince her to stop being an abusive whatever… Is there anywhere in the world I can go, God, where I am safe and Loved and cared for? I feel most alone and lost and hurt when I am with my family. I don’t want to go to where they are. I’m exaggerating a bit. I don’t feel that way with all of them, but for the ones who I have a neutral or positive relationship with, I never quite feel like I can express the fullness of me when I’m with them or when they’re with me. I’m tired of folk telling me something wrong with me all the time. My mamma? We gone leave her alone. Let me tell you what’s not gonna happen in this moment, God. I am not about to turn my attention to fighting my mamma, fighting no family, being drawn into any conflict anywhere on this Earth. Nope. Not. Happening. What I am gonna do is focus on exactly what I was focusing on before my mom called to attack me. I. Ain’t. Doing. This. Shit. No. More. Can I tell you something interesting that happened? The other night, my almost boyfriend tried to attack me for going out to a business meeting while he had come to visit me. I had told him before he came to visit me that I had a potential business meeting that I might go to when he comes over and it was understood that if the potential business partner did not confirm, I’d hang with bf and if the business guy did confirm, I’d go to meetng. So right when my bf arrived at my place, the business guy confirmed. The business guy is rich and handsome and tall and my boyfriend was jealous. Said I didn’t have to rub it in his face that I was meeting with a rich guy. Was mad when I got back from the meeting and didn’t want to go dancing with me like we had originally planned. Do you know what I did? I took his ass home. I told him I was going dancing anyway and he didn’t want to come. And so I took my boyfriend’s ass home. And I don’t feel bad about it. My mamma? We not doing this anymore. My sisters? We not doing this no more? My friends and men? Look, y’all. We not doing this no more. I don’t really care what I did to whoever that makes them feel justified in treating me like shit. If they think I’m that awful that I need to be treated like shit, I do think they should stay the fuck away from me so that I don’t do whatever it is that they think is so bad that they have to treat me awful or they can come near, be interested in resolving issues and stop treating me like shit. That is the line drawn. That is the line I’m drawing in the sand. People just can’t abuse me any more. That’s it. Full stop. They can’t do it anymore. I won’t abuse myself by engaging with them. I don’t care what I did. Sorry, but I really don’t. I absolutely don’t care. There is nothing that I have intended for a human being on Earth that warrants this shitty behavior that I’ve been subjecting myself to for far too long. So, we are going to be intentional in this moment. Instead of getting all depressed because we don’t feel like people Love us, or because we feel like they love us but they treat us like shit anyway so who cares if they love us… Instead of wondering where in the world will we go and who will we live life with if these people aren’t around… Instead of doing that… Instead of reverting into thinking we are bad people and we deserve all this bullshit punishment of a life, how about we just don’t do that? They are still a part of your life because they want something from you. They want something from you because they see something valuable in you. But let’s not associate being valuable with being abused and exploited and taken for granted, as we have been associating for so long. That will keep you with your head down and not playing big because you are afraid of the pain that comes with it… Let’s paint a new reality. Right now. I am here with you. Right right now. As we are looking at all of our sadness and everything we’ve been through – I know it’s been a lot – … As we are feeling our despair and heartbreak and deep, deep fears… I know it is so much… As we are doubting whether we will always be alone in life and whether we will ever find a hand to hold or some arms that don’t hurt or a place to celebrate life, may I suggest that we plant another thought? Right right now. In the midst of it all. What if we just decide to use all the knowledge in all those doggone self-help and religious books and all the lessons we’ve learned in how ever many years we’ve been on this Earth? What if we decide to just as wise as we really are? Like, for real for real. Just own it and be wise already. It’s Ok. My mom called just now and I didn’t answer. She messaged and I messaged her back saying I can’t handle being attacked or abused at the moment. She said she “will NOT ‘abuse’ me any more” and I said thanks. I don’t care if they call me bad or rude. I don’t even care if she never accepts that she’s abusive, etc. etc. For the birds. What I care about is finding ways to keep myself emotionally safe. What I care about is emotional stability for the first time in a very long, long time. Can we challenge ourselves? In this moment. On this day. Can we make a choice? Bring our wisdom, our power, our ability to keep ourselves safe, our knowledge, all of our clarity, every last bit of it, to the forefront and fight for our right to peace of mind? Even if we have to confront ugly realities? Even if we have to renegotiate relationships and be by ourselves for a bit? Can we do this for our children? So that maybe we can even dream of having children and have them? How long will we be victims of so much? Can we talk about power now? Not power over people but power over ourselves. Agency over our emotions so that they don’t sink us with every negative interaction. And energy. My baby, you are responsible for your own safety. Your intuition is on point. You’re not crazy. Your intuition ain’t never been wrong. Why did it take me this long to realize my mamma is a rage-akholic. Understandably so, but doesn’t negate the fact that she will attack your ass at any given moment and it’s up to you whether or not you want to be around that. Ok. Back to us. I’m gonna close out this blog in a moment. This is a big girl blog. Honestly, I’m feeling very very hurt about my mom’s attack just now. My hands are trembling and my self is attempting to leave my body. I am going to pull it right back in and feel this shit. Not out of torture, but it’s time. It’s time to grow. We are the presence of God that is deep enough and wide enough to contain the entirety of our inner experiences. So I’m gonna bring the most powerful part of myself to the forefront right right now. And we gone have a talk with the part of me that just got sucker punched by my mamma. We’re not gonna make anything up. We not gonna try to understand why or make any sense of it or judge anyone or try and fix my mamma. We gone absolutely selfish. Do you know why? Because at this very moment, you are hurting. Well, I’m talking to myself, but maybe you can relate… At this very moment, we are hurting. Someone hurt us. Now you can paint it another way and blame yourself if you want and say it’s your bad behavior that warranted the hurt or they didn’t mean it or they didn’t do it on purpose or whatever. They’ve done it before. That’s why it hurts. In fact, they’ve done it over and over again in different formats. That’s why the wound is so sore. So you are hurting. And what just happened is that your body closed up. Your sore hip contracted again and your nerves spazzed. These people who hurt you, whether they did it on purpose or not, whether they will every accept any responsibility or not or blame you for the whole shabang… Most likely, they will not be comforting you at the moment. They will not be the ones to massage or pay for a massage for your hips. They will have nothing to say about your spazzed nerves and forget about them tomorrow as they ask you to do shit for them again. They are not your caregivers at the moment. Maybe one day they will be. Maybe one day they have been. But at the moment, it ain’t them. You, Madame or Monsier lonely, are the caregiver of yourself. Don’t fight. Don’t fight anyone any more. Don’t fight your mamma. Set a boundary and move on. She just can’t be calling you and attacking or abusing you. If she does, you will kindly get off the phone and/or not answer her calls. The end. There has to be a way to be hypersensitive and safe in the world. There has to be a way to not be constantly on a painful emotional roller coaster. It is in fact possible. People have done it. And you don’t have to be mean to others to accomplish it. You may start off being mean to others and you have my very well permission to be mean as hell to whoever is violating your boundaries and hurting you. Do what you gotta do to protect yourself. They don’t understand how much they are hurting you. Or maybe they do understand and need to be punched in the face to stop. Whatever it takes. I’ve been working on this entry the entire day. A bit of a procrastination tactic, but a bit not. I’m gonna close out soon. I’m not gonna edit or reread, because if I do, I might not publish this. I kind of want this post to be more than just musing, though. I want to be intentional about a new way of life, a new way of being, a whole new world… I want to do something with my magic and power. I want a different life now, God. I life that I want to be a part of. A life that feels good. It seems really, really far off from where I am. I don’t know how to fix not one of my stank broken relationships and if I’m being honest, I don’t feel like fixing any of them. I don’t feel like being the only interested in fixing stuff in my dynamics anymore. It’s not right. Even small children know how to make peace. I’m not helping anyone by always being the one interested in peacemaking with reluctant participants. I want to practice some of the tools that I’ve been learning for such a long time. Ahimsa. Loosely interpreted as non-violence. Let’s start there. Emotional strength. We need some people to do this with. So let’s start by counting the people we already have. Side bar. There is a difference between having people and having people. Sometimes you have people who are in your life, are even doing stuff for you, but the energy isn’t right. You feel it. You know when you feel it. There is bitterness, resentment, envy, malice, the good will is not flowing. Something in you just doesn’t feel comfortable sharing good news with those people or celebrating or smiling too big with them. Doesn’t mean they are bad people. Who cares what they are at the moment, unless you are interested and available to help them… When I say we need some people, what I mean is we need some people we feel good with. We need people who feel like they are with us for real. Who we can trust will clap for us for real in their heart of hearts. I am sure there are more people who feel that way about me than I’m aware of… But these days it has been one of my little sisters that has really made me feel Loved and cared for and seen. So, this is the intentional part of the blog. I am intending to take action towards a better life. I am willing to change, grow, process, cut, nurture, nourish… whatever it takes. Join. What I know I can do now is ahimsa. Non violence. But ahimsa doesn’t mean sitting around and getting punched. That’s not cool, either. I believe that if you are used to being the punched and the unseen and you are learning to keep yourself safe, the best way is to set boundaries as to who can access you in what ways. Doesn’t mean you have to disappear from the whole world, but sometimes it means that. You are moving away from painful situations because you are learning to set a new pattern and habit in your life. You’ve gotten used to this dysfunctional stuff and you won’t get unused to it if you’re all up in it all the time. So you get away from it and try and see if you can find ways to experience the things you dream of, even if you have to experience them by yourself at first. Even if you have to pay someone to be your therapist or friend at first. That’s what I’m going to do. Just a little thing. My commitment is to show up every day. I know I’ve disappointed myself so many many times and not kept these commitments. But I’m going to keep starting over and keep trying again. Show up every single day. Write this blog every day so I’m not alone on this journey. I was going to join a class at my spiritual center, but I’m not fully feeling it right now. So instead of that, I’ll keep checking in with some of the people who I think are with me. That will help me not feel so alone. I will keep checking in with my feelings. My task for this week is to complete a thing I’ve been working on for a while, and also spend every day practicing follow-through, discipline with my words and work, water and prayer. I can do this. You know, we can have feelings, even awful feelings, and still get things done. That is the lesson we are embodying. We can have good feelings, too. It will take some time and practice to change, but I am hopeful. For the first time in so, so long, I am hopeful about the possibility of a different kind of life. And now, for this evening, we are going to home. We are by ourselves, but deep down, we know we don’t have to be that way. Ok. So it makes things a little better. We are not little kids not being picked to be on the sports team. We belong. Yes, we do. Saints and sinners all belong somewhere. If you are feeling all different and left out, I want to give you something. You. Belong. Even if you haven’t figured out where your place is yet, know that your place is somewhere. Know that you’re not alone. You can use your imagination for this until it becomes real. Imagine someone who loved you. Maybe the person is dead. Maybe the person is no longer in your life. But think of one moment in your life that you felt Loved. Really Loved in the ways you need. And if you can’t think of any of those moments in your life, then let’s imagine it. Imagine that it was possible for you to belong somewhere. To be welcomed and not hurt. Just with one person on this Earth. Just in one place on this Earth. I am here overseas. And today someone gifted me with a bottle of water and some free French fries and a gift of ginger beer. It was a server in the hotel here. He was happy to have me outside sitting with him as he served. I was happy to be welcomed. I am thinking of a rare moment in life when I was in a dance camp and I belonged with a group of women when I made a poem and they agreed to participate in the presentation of it. I belonged. Feel like you belong here in this world. I know your mind is doubting if any of this will work. You are asking if it will change your life at all, and I’m not giving any guarantees. I’m only asking that you try something. This is a tool I know, but there are others. There are other tools you know. But like most medicines, they don’t work over night. Those bacterial things get cures in like three days or seven, but some pesky mold might take three to six months to get out of your system. But the medicines only work if you take them and if you take them consistently. So I’m asking you to pick something. Please. I want you to survive. I want you to thrive. I want us to live better lives. Pick something you can practice, and can we commit to 21 days. I will practice writing every day, and water and prayer and exercise and sun and love. If I have no one to share Love with who doesn’t hurt me, I will share it with myself. A very very small intention is simply for me to feel better. It’s not so concrete and I will refine it as things go on. But it’s honest. I want to feel better. Have a good night y’all. And Bless you. Sincerely, Laydie Day 555 Feel Better