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Day 548 – A Place Called OK (Practice Love)

March 2, 2021

Welp. Here we are. Navigating. Much has happened. I can’t tell if I’m procrastinating or just needing to sort things out. Feeling Low. Much has happened. Much always happening… I am trying to get in touch with my feelings. Trying to get in touch with my needs. Trying to get in touch with my North Star.

Trying to find the deeper place to navigate this life from. Not feeling anything. Many opportunities abound. In the heal the world country… I have so many feelings going on.

I am tempted. To do something else. I don’t feel good after meeting with the particular person that I just met with. I don’t like him that much. I do, but I don’t. Safety not there. Energy usually not quite right. I spoke with a family member today. A family member calling another family member evil for something I deemed quite trivial. This family member used to do the same kind of thing to me. Call me evil. The sentiment feels so painful to me.

So what I am tempted to do is go to some book or some program or some person to tell me what to do. To tell me what to feel right now. To tell me what I’m supposed to focus on. To tell me what’s supposed to be important to me.

What do you feel, Laydie? I can see that you feel lost. Laydie, what do you feel? I can see that you feel confused. What do you feel, Laydie? I can see that you feel like a non-entity.

I feel like I am missing myself. Not really knowing who I am these days. Something inside has been shifted and upgraded. I want to run away. Watch a movie with a friend. Find anything to do but be present in my work. Should I do my forgiveness work today? Should I set an intention for my life through Feminine Power? Should I complete the tasks in Positive Intelligence about action? Should I read the Quran or Oneness and see what there is to see? Should I focus on the Positive Intelligence task of “harmony” this week and just keep accepting and applying harmony? Should I go and take a spiritual bath and try and see how I can get clean water to come out of my bathtub in this hotel?

I want to run and hug somebody to be honest. I want to be held more than anything. I want to be going somewhere together with someone I Love. I want an easy time. I feel so very sad when I stop and think about it and not even quite sure where the sadness is really coming from.

Rooted deep in me for a long, long time. We’ve been on a ten year journey here with this blog. Have I learned how not to cry every day? Have I made it to the other side of happy? I’ve had a major health crises, almost died three times… my colleague just woke up looking for some emotional labor… I have a colleague out here. That’s another story… He distracts me whenever he comes around, but he always comes around. Literally shows up at my hotel and messages me telling me he’s downstairs. So let me see if it’s possible for me to focus when he’s around or if I need to go upstairs and boot him out. God, is it possible for me to focus when he’s around and not pick up his super hyper anxious tense needy energy? How can this dance be harmonious without me losing power? Almost impossible is the answer, but not completely impossible.

– Grow your energy field. Be ok with radiating your energy field. Do chapter four from Feminine Power this week. Get in touch with Keita. Get in touch with your counselor. Go down the list, Laydie. You know what to do. You know what to do. You know what to do. Now do it. You can do it. I promise you can do it. It’s not as difficult as you think. Tell your friend he should have some fun before he leaves.

That is what is missing from your life. Pure, unadulterated fun… My friend just called me and I realized I had been distracting myself just as I wrote pure unadulterated fun… I am out of sink again, but this is kind of fun. Just being aware of when I am out and when I am in sink. Now I am coming closer to my core as I am writing. And this writing is a tool. “Get what you need” is the whispering thought. Apply the tools.

I am wanting to know if I’ve done anything good, Allah. I am wanting to know if I’ve learned anything. I am wanting you to tell me that I’ve done a good job and that I’m OK. I am wanting to feel Loved. I am wanting to do life “with” someone who doesn’t beat me down. Someone who is feeding me. Someone who I can have fun with and go deep with and someone who I can be myself with? I really really miss my old friends. I feel a bit ashamed writing these things. Wondering how long I’m going to miss my old friends and what I’m going to do about it. Wondering how long I will be in this emotional state. And wondering if I’ve changed any. If I’ve grown any. If anything has changed since starting this blog almost ten years ago.

Have I made it to the other side of happy? Do I know what to do now? Do I need books and people and programs to guide me everywhere all the time? Let’s take account.

I do believe that when I started this blog, I had just come back from Colorado. From moving in with some guy who said he wanted to marry me. I had just finished grad school (kind of) was working on my thesis, was trying to be a screenwriter, and had a really good upwardly mobile job at a production company. The guy lived far away. My job made him feel insecure because I was interfacing with fine, rich celebrities daily. I wanted to be with him. Didn’t want to go another day without him. And so I moved. Quit my job. Went to a dark house in Colorado. Violated my values and lost touch with who I am… Finally, when I got sick of it all, I ran away. Back to LA. My sister bought me a Greyhound ticket. My mom let me use some hotel points. I stayed in the hotel for a few days till I found a room. It was nice and temporary. Then another room, nice and temporary, too. Then another room. Not so nice. An attic. Cold. Mean. Met another man. Dream Lover. Finicky. Fell in love with his promises. Said he would go to the end of the Earth for me, but didn’t see him for two years, though he’d call sporadically… Nine years after he finally ghosted me after planning to go look at houses, I found out he was married the whole time.

Sometime during the beginning of our “courtship”, I started this blog. I had finally gotten an apartment after renting rooms. My life was quite a mess. I am so embarrassed about how my life has been, but I must say, I have indeed come a long way… My life was a mess. My inside life has been a mess. What is the difference between now and then? The biggest difference is that I feel again. Maybe it sounds small, but it is huge for me. I am in my body again. I have been away from my body for a long, long, long, long time…

I have been at the effect of so much for a long, long, long, long time… And so I guess the biggest thing that has happened in the past ten years is that I have finally gotten in touch with some of the dynamics of the relationships that I have. It has been a painstaking process. I have been bumping my head over and over again trying to get somewhere that I hadn’t even defined. Maybe a place called OK, not even knowing what OK felt like or looked like. I am so sorry for so many of us with so much suffering in the world…

But the questions remain: Have I made it to the other side of happy? Have I learned how not to cry every day? And what has my progress been in life since writing this blog?

Let’s start with the first question. Have I made it to the other side of happy? I wish I could say yes or no. But both. Yes, I have. I have come out from under the deep, dank spell of depression that has been the greater part of my life. The journey has been heart wrenching, though, and I’ve lost so many friends and distanced myself from people I love because I couldn’t figure out how to be around them without feeling used and/or abused.

Random thought: I actually met one single guy in this place. I’ve been approached by so many men since I’ve been here, and I was thinking they’ve all been married, but there has actually been one single guy who has approached me. And he actually lives in this hotel. And I actually really Love his energy, although there’s not much else I like about him. But I digress…

The second part of the question is no. I’m not feeling completely happy yet. I feel more sad and full of grief than anything, although I’ve probably had more moments of bliss and ease in the last year alone than the past fifteen years of my life compounded. And so, even though I am not the happiest I can be yet, it is as if lifetimes and layers of such profound pain that I’ve been living with are finally being released. Ease and goodness are ideas for me now, but they have been taking their time to manifest as real pillars in my life. So… The answer to the question is yes. Yes, I have made it to the other side of happy. The happy side where I don’t cry every Blessed day. But I’ve just crossed over. And this blog has been helpful. It is my self-therapy. It is where I cry and process and put things in their place and evaluate and celebrate and make meaning. And I am grateful for these words…

I just heard someone ask me in my mind why I don’t have a man…

So, on to the next question. Have I learned how not to cry every day? Yes! Absolutely. I think I might have to make a cry journal. I’m pretty sure that I spent the greater part of January without crying a single day. And for February, I was very busy and out of touch with my emotions, but still, I was not overwhelmed with crying like how I have been before. And even now, as I slow down and process and feel my feelings deeply, the crying is not like a quicksand puddle being stepped into. It is more like a shower or bath, washing and washing away. The tears feel cleansing, not binding…

And lastly, what has my progress been in life since writing this blog? I am trying to assess whether I have actually made any progress since writing this blog or if I have just been going through motions of progress without any real inner transformation. The answer is, yes, I have made massive projects and major shifts and me taking time to be aware of and feel my feelings has contributed greatly. What is the progress? Firstly, I no longer feel like I have so many hooks in my back. I’m just going to write it like I feel it. I didn’t know it and other people didn’t know it either, but I had been stuck wanting and needing others’ approval for so mach in the past, and so moored in fear and trauma, that I wouldn’t take any real steps towards moving forward in life. I’ve started respecting myself and demanding respect. It is such a huge leap and I’ve lost many friends because of it. I had created a whole relational matrix where people felt it was ok to just use me and not really pay attention to my needs or values. I had dated so many men who cheated on me or abused me or didn’t listen when I talked or treated my like shit and violated me in the worst of ways. I had put others’ needs and wants ahead of my own for a very long time with very little appreciation or acknowledgement and, well, I don’t do that anymore. I had been trying to behave in certain ways so people would approve of me for so long, and I finally cut it out. It’s been messy, but it’s been the best thing that has happened to me since starting this blog. I’ve cut chords of pain. Wounds still remain, but the draining, dulling agreements that I’ve made with so many over the course of lifetimes are over. I no longer date unavailable men. I tell them no. I no longer work on teams that have no sincere energetic reciprocity. I’m not interested, unless I just feel like doing charity for some reason, but even that, I do on purpose.

I assess friendships and relationships for character compatibility. I’m still getting better at it, but I’m kinder with myself and kinder with others and I have even learned these concepts which was heretofore foreign to me: boundaries and letting go. I’m a bit excited about what all this growth means and could mean for me. It’s a lot of progress. Lifetimes of progress. Generational progress. I have a farm in the heal the world country. It’s been hard as hell to get it started, but alas, it exists. I just got invited to do a dream job in this same country.

I want to be held. That is the final point of all this. I got down to it. I’m proud of myself. I didn’t have to read a book or go to a person or do whatever Feminine Power exercise to understand this about myself. I want to be held. I want to hold someone. I want to know what Love is. I want to Love something with all my heart and not have it hurt me – at least not too much and at least not on purpose most of the time.

You say pour all this Love into everything I do. Be kind. And forgive everything all the time. I have learned about boundaries. I have done a good job at pushing away energy thieves. They don’t come my way anymore. Practice Love. Kiss each cell of yours and wash it into Love. Practice Love… Ameen.

Day 548
A Place Called OK (Practice Love)

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