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Day 549 – Apply Knowledge

March 9, 2021

Hi there.

There’s so much on the mind. I got a lot of inspiration today. Went early in the morning and dropped off some support for a teenage girl that I’m so happy to be helping support. I Love her. Then I met with some people who are helping me to wash my month’s worth of dirty clothes. I went to the beach afterwards. Did some stretches. Let the ocean touch my feet and wash away what it will. I like this ocean. I like to put my feet in it…

Afterwards, I read chapter fifteen of “The Master Key” by Charles Haanel. Chapter fifteen was essentially about applying knowledge. Mind blown. Our task for this week is to look at whatever issues we have and apply the insight and knowledge that we’ve gained thus far to solve our problems.

I meditated a bit, and then went to breakfast after reading Master Key. Interacted with my favorite waiter here, whom I Love, too. He’s mad at me, but not really, for not inviting him to go to the beach with me this morning. Wrote a text to a local man who has been trying to leech off of my life force for the past two years. Just cut him off. I had entertained dating him two years ago – glad I didn’t sleep with him – and he has not accepted our break up for the past two years. I’ve been keeping him as a friend – he’s very talented and animated and fun to be around – but every time we hang out, it ends up bad at the end. He ends up trying to get back together and making some kind of bid. I end up rejecting him. He ends up resenting me. Repeat.

I’ve been here before. With a similar guy whom I actually dated many years ago, before this blog. This is a repeat and it’s time for lessons learned.

I went through another repeat episode with a friend this past week. Eating my energy and betraying me and disrespecting me and trying to control me at the same time. I can’t blame him for wanting to do what he wanted. I got sick this past week, as usually happens when I allow this kind of dynamic. I blame me. I let him eat my energy. This is the point of power. This is the message this is what’s been happening to me. This is what I’ve been choosing. This is the final pattern to be released. But how?

I will do my best. I listened to a friend of mine give psychic readings online. She doesn’t know that she’s my friend, but I’m her friend and one of her biggest fans. Her brother used to be my best friend and now I watch her blossom online and step into herself fully. She inspires me. She gives psychic readings to whoever pays her on random online pop-ups, and sometimes I listen and see if anything resonates with me. She spoke to one client about the idea of giving chunks of her power away to people and constantly seeking approval and acceptance from others. This resonated with me so much.

I have been doing it so much. Giving time and attention and energy away to people who I don’t even like most times. Mostly men. Feeling a need to please others. So much looking for acceptance. Wanting to prove to certain ones that I am good. Wanting them to see me as a good person. Try as hard as I think I’ve tried, it just hasn’t worked. Psychic Friend’s advice was to let that go. Realize that you are not cursed from birth, and your way and your flaws are just your way and your flaws. Others have other flaws, hidden and exposed…

So, I wanted to write something about something because something is shifting and I want to name it now. I have changed. I have grown. I was analyzing my progress in my last entry, and in this past week, I can actually say that I’ve reached the culmination and completing of certain life episodes and certain life lessons. I’m “clear”, as they say out here, and now it’s time to give birth.

I want to tell you that I’ve changed. I want to officially present myself to the world. I feel afraid to say things out loud because I don’t want anyone to hurt me or judge me or tell me I’m not who I am. But I do want to say that I’m not who I was: this wounded, crouched up being, never quite getting or being or giving or experiencing what she wants in life. Always almost there. I have arrived. And how, you ask, have I arrived overnight? Well, it has been more than a decade in the making. And you, you ask, can I say I have arrived when I am still sitting in the same space as I was yesterday?

I tell you I am not. Yesterday, I was sitting in a dark room by myself, full of thoughts of pain and regret. Today, I have no human company as I write this blog, but I am not in a dark room and a fire begins to be lit. I am in a business lounge at a fancy hotel. This is the hotel where president’s and dignitaries lodge when they visit this country. I am eating a spring roll and a pastry with a cherry on top and a piece of chicken that is given in the business lounge. Today, I am grateful for this initiation of the past few months. I wrap myself in Love as I prepare to bring peace to the family by first brining peace to myself…

I have been afraid to be awesome. I have been afraid to be myself. I thought people wouldn’t like me. They didn’t. They said I was bad and sacrilegious and they never really called me selfish out loud, but somehow people always felt entitled to have from me what they would never fathom giving to me and resented me for not giving it to them. And I was never allowed to celebrate. I was never allowed to just feel happy about being awesome or feel happy about having stuff without someone frowning at me or telling me immediately after an announcement of success that I need to give my money or time or energy to them or someone else less “fortunate”. I have been living under the spell of these beliefs – my sweet sister essentially accused me of wanting her to die and slandering her, and somewhere, some family members believed it was true. My other sister straight lied on me and allowed my mom to believe that I violated her house rules and abandoned our agreements and my mom believed it without question. These things hurt me, and I just want to tell somebody. I guess I want someone to say, “Sorry that happened to you. You’re not a bad person. You didn’t deserve all that”. I just want someone to acknowledge that maybe I’m not as bad as people have treated me for so long.

Sympathy without resentment. Compassion without envy. A true hug. The feeling of being held. But I digress…

I just want to tell you a bit of what I’m going through. What I’ve been through. I know you can relate to so much pain. In The Master Key today, I read “Difficulties, disharmonies, and obstacles, indicate that we are either refusing to give up what we no longer need, or refusing to accept what we require.” It resonated with me.

I want to thank you, my dear Reader, for being here with me on this journey. When I have no “with”, no one that I can trust to share my sad things with without reprimand, I write here and I share my life with you, and in doing so, I’m not alone. And neither are you…

And today, since I am claiming change, I am going to embrace this change. Or evolution if you will. From broken to healed. From pleaser to accepting Pleasure. From unloved to Loving. From judged to accepted by others and accepting of others. From bitter and hurt to forgiving and open-hearted. From always in danger to safe and protected. From a deep sense of aloneness to finally belonging. Oh, from keeping all my gifts and talents bottled up on computers and in my mind and halfway done to sharing these Lovely things with the world. My greatest joy.

I want to make this more than a blog post. This is more than a blog post. This is whatever that thing was that they did on Jerry McGuire. I forget the word. A statement. A manifesto. A womanifesto. I couldn’t have imagined a better opportunity for myself. Here. Overlooking an ocean when I wake up every day. Servants. Food prepared for me. Support. People valuing my work and seeing my potential. A farm… So many men reflecting my sorry ass beliefs to me, lol, and finally teaching me about boundaries, about valuing myself. Finally teaching me about self-respect and teaching me to do something all the way or just shut up. You can not be a coward in this environment, or you will get devoured. It’s not a place where I’ve been able to relax into Love (yet), but it is a place where I’ve been able to see all my wounds and see what needs discarding and accepting. I’ve been able to get in touch with what my soul has been longing for.

Oh, and I’ve learned this great, great lesson about taking back my power. This is the most important Blessing I’ve gotten from here. In this extractive culture, a sensitive soul like me will die if I don’t keep my power that I need, and I will also wither if I don’t share Love. And, so, God, you have kept me safe. I’ve been getting used to luxury and getting used to sleeping on a bed. Soon, I’ll get used to having a driver and an assistant to help me with things. I feel afraid to write what I really want to get used to.

I want to get used to Love. I want to get used to comfort. I want to get used to feeling ease in my body. I want to learn how to accept these things without feeling guilty about it. I want to release the bitterness and resentment that I’ve been carrying in my own body and emotional body and be able to feel excited again. And feel passion again. And feel joy again. I want to have deep bonds, and if it’s possible to reconcile with some of the people I’ve loved the most – family and such close friends – and we could have healthy, life-positive, encouraging relationships, then I would love that so much. You tell me don’t do work on that.

– Focus on yourself. Focus on releasing your own resentments and modifying what comes out of your own mouth and trust me to take care of all of your relations. Wish them well, no matter what they’ve done. Pray for them, no matter what they’ve done, but stand firm in your decision to keep yourself safe. You are changing culture. You are cutting chords and agreements planted in realms you know not of.

How now, today, can we apply knowledge? Well, first we choose an area of focus and you know what to do. You are interested in releasing debt and density and you are interesting in learning how to carry power with Grace and humility. You still want to be accepted by your mom, who has a love/hate relationship with power. You still want to be accepted by your brother, who has a love/hate relationship with you. Do you see what your wants are showing you? They are showing your needs and your beliefs. Your love/hate relationship with self. It ends today. Yep. Over. Done. Choose it. 100%.

As we release debts, chains, chords, density, this week, we use our power to cultivate Love. We use our Magic, the word you have been afraid to say, Laydie. But you are pure Magic and you have been rejecting it most of your life so that people will not hate you. So people will Love you and not call you evil or bad.

Let us shift now, into our true selves. Don’t tell anyone. Don’t write it on this blog. Everyone here is not your true friend enough to be privy to this secret secret… Accept what you require… Boss Lady, Laydie, what do you require in order to have a successful business in creative field and also in the agricultural field? Boss Lady Laydie, what do you require? Let Claire help you get in touch with your needs and your deepest desires. Indulge your passion. Let it come alive again. Your sexuality. Yep, I said it on here. Get in touch with it again. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you… Your Love and your playfulness. If you can’t find grown-ups to be happy for you in earnest, go play with some kids.

Have fun, my baby. I know the people whose approval you want said fun is bad. You don’t have to make them wrong. Let them believe what they believe. You don’t have to prove to them that fun is good or slight them with your happy life. Just have fun if that’s important to you, and give them permission in your mind to live a fulfilled life even if fun has no parts of it… I Love you. I Love you. I Love you… Ameen.

Day 549
Apply Knowledge

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