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Day 547 – The Mens (The Energy of Love)

January 30, 2021

I wanted to say I don’t know what to write about, but the Truth is, I do. The bigger truth is that I don’t want to know what to write about because it feels scary and I’m not sure what to say about it. The second part is not so true, either. I am sure what to say about it, but I feel afraid to say it, because once I say it to the world, it becomes real to me.

I woke up this morning with Love on the mind. Love has been on the mind for some time now. My inability to feel it. My heart has been breaking and breaking and breaking open and I am beginning to feel good feelings again. I hesitate to embrace them out of fear that if I open up to the world and make myself vulnerable, I will be stabbed in the heart and get sick again and almost die and be paralyzed/debilitated with nobody believing or understanding how sick I really am and nobody there to help me without hurting me, too and experience a pain that I just don’t want to feel anymore.

So there you have it. That’s why I feel hesitant to talk about Love. Asshole past traumas… The traumas and their cohorts of false personality saboteurs – the avoider, the controller and the pleaser – took a break last night while I was asleep. They have been taking breaks here and there and in their absence, my mind has wandered into possibilities. Possibilities of being OK for real. (It just dawned on me that I’m going to treat myself, and at least one other person, with the most exquisite Love these next two weeks in preparation for Valentine’s Day. But I digress..) Possibilities of having. “It’s OK to be OK” has been a mantra of mine. I have begun thinking about men. And analyzing my life. On one of my favorite TV shows, the main character, a single woman around my age, has been struggling with Love for many years. This season, which is the last season of the show, the show creators are going to focus on her grounding. Finding her place in the world. Like, being balanced and OK.

What a concept. We have been suffering and hurting and disappointed and heartbroken for so long. In a perpetual tornado. So much so, that we don’t even dare to dream of what we really want. We don’t even dare to think it’s possible for us, because if we do, we risk the heartbreaking disappointments and agonies that we’ve felt before. If you’ve ever had your body break down, then your cells know that too much or too little whatever will make you not work. Will have you not able to think. Or walk. Or talk correctly. Will have you in perpetual pain… So, we have been here. In these caves.

And, we don’t do it on purpose, but in our choices, we find ways to stay in the cycles, so that we don’t have to face the possibility or re-experiencing our traumas. We never quite follow through with the steps that would give us a breakthrough in our dream career and instead dedicate our time and energy towards jobs we think we can succeed at. We keep dating the same type of person over and over again. You know, that person we don’t really like, but feel like they won’t hurt us? The one we’re not really into. We tense up a bit on the inside every time he touches us and there’s always a little dying of ourselves when partnering with him on stuff. We forget about passion and integrity, because at least he doesn’t hurt us. Not that much.

I’ve been thinking about men, and that’s what Spirit told me to write about this morning when I woke up. Spirit told me to write a Love letter to myself. I’m overseas and outside of my window is literally the Atlantic ocean. I hear it’s waves daily. And when the sunrises, I hear roosters crow and birds chirp. I am rich now. I don’t feel afraid to say that out loud (even though my bank account doesn’t reflect as much), because I know it’s possible for me to work and earn money and be rich. I’ve done it before without too much pain. And now I choose to focus on it. Life is just easier when you can have the foods you need and live in the environments that are nourishing. Financial freedom for myself, and then helping others get financially free so that they, too, can have time and space to align with the truth of who they are…

Anyway. I left for a while while writing this and surfed the internet. Can you tell that this is challenging for me to write about? Facing all these doggone demons. So Love. Men. Heartbreak. Disappointment. Redundant patterns. Aging. How am I still single? Will I be able to have kids? I stopped dreaming of those things. Well, actually I didn’t stop dreaming. The dream just became a dream. Something somewhere far away from me. Somewhere in my subconscious, I stopped believing a long, long time ago. My Loves just kept hurting me. My first Love disappeared. I didn’t know that that’s not what you’re supposed to do. My brother did it when I was younger. Just stopped talking to me and acted like I didn’t exist because I kissed a boy and he thought I was bad. He was my best friend before he started believing I was evil. That hurt me so bad. Do you know I’ve been living with that wound for so, so long?

I’m still mad at him. Kind of want to punch him in the face. He grew up to be an emotionally abusive jerk and bully. I grew up to be a bully, too. So there you have it. I wanted to write about Love, but I guess I had to start there. With my first real heartbreak and betrayal. A compounded trauma. A kiss followed by a secret shared followed by being rejected and shunned by the person I shared my secret with, followed by being rejected by my kisser and punished by my mom. And painted as “bad” for the rest of my adolescent and young adult life.

This is the foundation that I built my romantic Love life on. Some unhealed bullshit and dysfunctional pattern. And mostly, my relationships have been the same as the first. Intense connection followed by rejection because of some aspect of me deemed as quite horrible. Not quite horrible in and of itself, but quite horrible if I do it. So how to change a whole lifetime of debilitating patterns? How to reconcile and heal? And the final question, how to finally have relationships with men that aren’t rooted in betrayal and usury… how to have relationships where people like and value me and treat me with respect and I like and value them and treat them with respect?

It’s time for major transformation. The good news is, I am able now. I feel able to face the dark things and not die. I feel able to keep myself safe. For the past few months, over and over again, I have been confronting abuse. I have been leaving situations where I feel disrespected or not liked or not appreciated or not celebrated, or just judged too harshly and unfairly… Where the expectation has been that I will give and be a support at all costs, and in exchange I will be punished and despised if I don’t do what is wanted of me how it is wanted and when it is wanted. It’s been pretty bad. This relationship matrix founded on this false identity of “I’m bad. I’m not good enough. I don’t matter. I deserve to be punished.” That is what my life has reflected.

I’m finally seeing it. Calling bullshit bullshit and seeing how I perpetuate and create these experiences. So, step one was to extract myself from all the situations that just didn’t feel good. Y’all, I’ve been fighting for my life. I’m proud of me. Because it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I had to let go of so many relationships. People I’ve been walking with in life for so long. And it was hard. And I was scared. And I was so super lonely afterwards. And hurt feeling. And I won’t say I don’t feel lonely or hurt still, but the difference now is that it feels like a scab healing, instead of an open wound constantly being poked. The difference now is that I see and feel myself healing. Like, my brain feels air in it and parts of my body that have been constantly tightened up for longer than I can remember are now starting to relax. When my brother yells at me or verbally assaults, I push back or leave. When others take advantage of my kindness or don’t treat me with respect, I acknowledge my feelings and have conversations, and if behavior is not changed, I separate myself from the abuse. I am learning to forgive and not judge so much. We are all working through our own traumas and trauma responses.

And I don’t even understand anymore, how I could have been in so many bad relationships. I want to throw up thinking of all the things I’ve put myself through. I’m sorry, Laydie. Please forgive me. I didn’t know. These concepts of honoring myself and valuing myself and respecting myself are all new. I didn’t know. But I know now. I can’t tell you why all of this happened. I can’t tell you why bad things happen to good people. I could make up a meaning, but it would be made up, you see. I could say you were learning this or that or there was some divine decree or karma you are paying for or life you were preparing for – learning compassion or nonjudgement or disattachment so you could be a great leader… but it’s all made up. Choose the meaning that helps you be in peace, Laydie. Choose the meaning that moves you towards Love.

Choose to believe in Love now. Now we can talk about Love. And this is a long blog. But I’m going to push through it and write down these things on my Soul. Love. I want to forgive my brother for the painful seed he planted many years ago when he called me “bad” and the actions he’s perpetuated over the years to validate his thoughts of me. Even if he meant it. If he tried to hurt me on purpose. I’m just a little sick of him having power over me and even more sick of sitting by while men destroy the world. I know that’s extreme, but we women have become so complicit. We watch men burn down the world and even help them, hoping they will love us for our sacrifice. I’m a bit over it. I do believe I will stand up to bro now. All my family wants his approval. Because our dad is dead and he is next in line. But his approval sometimes comes at very extreme costs of self-approval… So anyway, I’ll stand up to him now. Not to bring him down. To lift him. That is the secret of the Light warriors. The fight is for lifting up, not breaking down. So I will do that, God, and I know you will show me the way. You are showing me already. Forgiveness and Love.

And today I thought about men. On an online video I watched, someone asked, “Would you date yourself?” My answer to myself was no. Why? I have too many boyfriends and I’m too busy “working”. So, a few days ago, I decided it was finally time. It’s been me all this time. I keep meeting unavailable men, but you know why? I’ve been unavailable. Not wanting to be vulnerable for real. I’m ready now. The thought makes me feel afraid, but I will keep thinking it until I’m not afraid of it. I’m ready to be available. This means I can’t be all caught up in my mind with men who I’ll never be with. When I say I have too many boyfriends, I don’t literally mean I have too many boyfriends, but I do mean that there are too many open doors in my life, either emotionally or in real time, that I’m holding onto. How could I love someone or be with someone when I spend Monday mornings going walking on beach with some guy who wants to be with me and whom I don’t want, and then I spend Tuesdays chatting on the phone all day with some other guy who I really like, but who doesn’t like me, and then I dream about whoever whom I liked way back when and made a promise to be with way back when whom I’m still holding out for. Then somebody’s husband who has a crush on me is still inviting me out to dinner hoping I’ll have an affair with him, and I’m eating the food ‘cus it’s free and tastes good…

And going out on dates with guys whom I know from day one I don’t want to be with… These are not actions that make me available to being with the Love of my life. These are actions that cloud up my focus. And when I woke up this morning, Spirit told me to dream. Write a letter to myself. Imagine what it would be like to wake up hearing the ocean breeze and have someone with you. Someone you Love. Someone who lights your fire. Imagine this was possible.

So here we go. What would he say to you? I don’t even know what it’s like, God. It has been so rare that I’ve been in a mutual moment of Love and care with a man. It has been so rare that I’ve been present and he’s been present at the same time and we’re not hurting each other. So let’s start.

Good morning, Laydie. I know you feel afraid to turn towards me. You think this is too good to be true and that I’ll turn around and leave you or cheat on you or betray you. Not put you first. Not invite you somewhere. Save all my smiles for someone else. Be mad if you’re doing good. Ask you to give all your energy and attention to me. Not answer your calls or talk through challenges. I know that you feel like I can’t hold the sadness you’ve been through, and maybe I can’t. But I can help you let it go. And I’m not going anywhere. I’ve made up my mind about you. It’s you. It’s you for me. And I’m not going anywhere. There are no women in my life that I’m bound to, that I need to check permission from before putting you first. I have done my work and let them all go. I have healed so many things and I’ve been making a space for you. I know you don’t want to believe it, and you don’t have to. I’m going to show you.

I’m so proud of you. I’m so proud of all your healing. I’m so proud of all the work you’ve been doing. You don’t have to do it on your own anymore. You don’t have to be the leader of everything any more. I will help you in the ways you need and I won’t hurt you as compensation. And you don’t have to do anything. I already know about your loyalty. I already know about your sweet heart. You already inspire me with your talent, grace and femininity. With your ambition and your reasons underneath. I am honored to help you. It’s not true. It’s not true that you won’t be able to find a good man if you are too smart or if you do too much in the world. I Love that you have your own thing going on. I Love that you’re smart, because I’m smart, too, and we can talk about things together and I can count on you to solve problems with me.

But this morning, before you go out for the day, before we get started, can I hold you? I just want to hold you. Even if you feel afraid to turn towards me just now, can I hold you from the back? Please? Can I touch those places on your skin that have never been touched with Love? Please? Let me touch your lower back. I won’t hurt you, Laydie. I promise. Not on purpose. Tell me, OK? Tell me if something bothers you and we will talk through things and work through things. And I will be a safe space for you. I know, you can’t believe all this without experience. So, for today, on this sweet, sweet Saturday, in a room overlooking the ocean, let me just hold your back. Let me just touched that spot that feels so wounded so that it can know the energy of Love. Will you be willing, please? That’s all you need. That’s all I need. At your own pace. It’s ok if you make mistakes. But just be willing, again and again and again. Be choosing again and again and again. At your own pace. Be willing, be choosing to know, to receive and to give the energy of Love.

Have a Blessed day. Ameen.

Day 547
The Mens (The Energy of Love)

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