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Day 546 – Commitments and Completions

January 3, 2021

What can I complete today? Sometimes I feel like a fraud. Others look at me and think I’m doing much, but I look within myself and still feel like there is still so much unfinished business.

I won’t write too long here. I suppose I could just go down the list of unfinished business and finish one thing out a day. I’ve been saying that for too long. I don’t know what’s the deal that I sabotage just as I come close to the last step that will break through everything for me.

I’m so close to so many breakthroughs. And I went to sleep yesterday. Froze on some momentum that I was having. On purpose. Because I was scared. When I had my big epiphany, I thought of making a small documentary, and then doing a training for my team where we learned how to harvest cacao and learned how to make chocolate, and I thought about packing up and leaving this hotel and heading off to this place where I had done a yoga retreat… But then I got scared. I got scared of being a woman and being out in this retreat space by myself in this country… Being by yourself here is different than being by yourself in the US…

I wanted my business partner/mom to be here to join me in the cacao harvest and chocolate training, but she won’t be able to travel due to prior commitments and also due to a recent travel ban where she is. And I don’t have any teammates to do the small documentary with. Sure, I could make new friends and teammates and learn to do things by myself here, but I don’t want to.

You know, we have this narrative. People of my race and gender. We have this “Do it all by yourself” narrative. We are proud of it. Proud that we can overcome all manner of obstacle and do things all by ourselves. But we are not happy with it. At least I’m not. I am not happy in the narrative of the singular warrior woman who does everything alone and defeats all odds. It’s no fun for me. Been there done that. What is fun for me is what is fun. Facing challenges with people you care about. Bonding. Overcoming. Celebrating one another and making it all fun as you go along. Seeing ideas become reality. Loving. I know my farm and creative projects are not just for me. They are for the people and the world I’m serving, but I am so over this idea of being a martyr…

I do indeed need to reevaluate everything. Kind of just put my whole used to be identity on the side of the road and ask God what it is now… The good news is, although I have negative feelings and thoughts, I don’t feel overtaken by them these days. This month has been a hell horse.

What I’d like to do now is get back to doing the work. The work I didn’t do before. Like, the stuff. The unfinished business that has been here all along. It looks ugly and hard and sometimes I just go to sleep instead of doing it. I don’t know why. For once, though, I’m going to give up making meaning of this resistance.

Start over. Start again. Celebrate the wins. There have been many wins. Reach out now. It’s time to reach out. I can do it. I know it seems scary. There’s not even much reaching that needs to be done. People are willing. Let me be willing, too. Let me be willing to receive and Trust. Even if I don’t know how stuff is going to happen…

What’s the next step? Make a commitment. Put a stake in the ground. Do it now. Do it now. Do it now. You owe it to yourself. I know it has been hard. I know you feel like a fake. I know you think it’s not possible. I know you don’t always understand and it’s easier to just not face everything and go to sleep or play your life away or do the things that you know you can do, even if they don’t really do anything for your inner goodness. I know. Trust me, I know that all these things that happened to us hurt so bad… I know. I know how frustrating it is to want to be a way or want to do a thing and just not be able to do it, for whatever reason. I know what it is to feel betrayed and unloved and unaccepted and abused and unworthy and not able to be yourself without backlash and judged and etc, etc. All that sh*t. I know.

But what we gonna do about it? We just gonna be sad forever? And beat down and broken and stuck on our beds or stuck in these redundant dysfunctional relationships? We just gonna have all these cool ideas that we never implement on? We just gonna have this “life is hard and then you die” story forever? Baloney. Pure absolute baloney.

You’ve done well, OK? Don’t get down on yourself. You have done so well. You are doing a great job. I know in your culture they teach you that it’s not ok to celebrate. That it will make you weak if you do so. But we are laying all that down today. Your entire identity before this moment. What it means to be a woman and what it means to be your race and your age and to have your past and your ambitions. We are laying it down to the dust and thanking it all for bringing us here to this breakthrough point. And we are committing now. Today. I am committing to Being the Truth of who I am. Even if I don’t know what that means yet. I am committed to finding out. I accept my Strength at last. I accept my Power at last. I accept my Brilliance at last. I accept my Redemption at last.

So all those things? You know what they are. You have the list in your mind. It’s been running for quite some time. Let’s get them done. Just commit to it. Get them all done. So that’s it. One a day. Yep. I said it. I’m committing to it. One a day. One completion a day. Even if it’s a tiny, small task that’s been giving me anxiety for decades… That is my action commitment. So getting offline. Taking my life serious now. I know it’s all been so much bullshit. I know a lot of bad stuff happened. But I’m still here. I’d like a new experience now….


Day 546
Commitments and Completions

From → Identity Shift

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