Day 543 – The BreakThrough (Following Through)

Hey y’all. So this is a little different. I got a new computer that is totally awesome and needed, but I don’t quite know how to use it all the way yet. It doesn’t have a jump drive outlet and I don’t even know how to scroll down on this thing and need to figure out how to plug in my keyboard and mouse to it. I’m sure there’s some fancy new jump drive accessory that I need.

WordPress has changes its formatting and I’m learning how to do all the new stuff. I’m behind on a lot of stuff. I set the schedule, so I don’t know why I’m so behind, but I’m frustrated because I can’t seem to keep up.

That’s what I want to write about. It’s a thing. I know what to do, but somehow I can’t just seem to do the things I know to do when I’m supposed to do them. Some would say trauma. The shadow of the hawk syndrome. I’m going to give myself massive credit. I finished a script rewrite that I’d been wanting to do FOR YEARS and submitted it to someone. I got rejected, but that’s not the point. The point is, I finished it. I went through the entire process. It felt good to finish. I had so much massive resistance leading up to it.

I registered social media websites for my business, applied for two grants – one artist grant and one business grant, and got an amazing mentor for my Africa business. He’s so super amazing. I know that it is all possible.

Here’s the thing. I know that it is all possible. I am not one of those people who doubts if all the things I wish to do with my life are possible. I know that they are all possible and even very probable for me. It is not out of reach for me to sell a project (or 8) and make a bunch of money off of them. It is not out of reach for my Africa project to be wildly successful and for me to make a bunch of money from it and help more people than I can even currently imagine learn how to create sustainable income so that they can have time and space to thrive. It is not even out of reach for me to Love someone and have him Love me and us have a family together. It’s not out of reach for me to mend relationships with friends and family and even create new and better relationships.

I know what to do. I’m gifted like that. I usually know what to do. But I don’t do it. I do everything except what I know to do. And when I start doing what I’m supposed to do, I get panic attacks and anxiety and feel all these heavy emotions, mostly guilt and shame for having taken so long, and sometimes I follow through, and sometimes I don’t.

Spirit tells me not to get too hard on myself. I don’t know what I want to write about today. I’ve been wanting to post for a week or so and just now getting around to it. My emotions are heavy. My heart is heavy. Like I want to cry but can’t. I want to let go of the heaviness here, but having a hard time.

I am tired of my life as is, but haven’t been able to change it in the ways that matter to me, and I’m embarrassed that I haven’t been able to change it in the ways that matter to me. You say give myself some credit. I’m not dating abusive men who don’t do anything for me any more. That’s major lifetime life pattern progress. Sure, then. I will talk about the things I’m doing where I’m already living my dreams.

Let’s see about the inside stuff. I’m not so depressed anymore, although you can’t tell. I used to be surrounded by quicksand. It just felt like constant heaviness and constant drowning and confusion. Now I am out of the quicksand. I am not drowning or feeling like emotions or forces outside of me have such a hold on me that I can’t overcome. I know that there is only so much I can control, but there is also much that I can control. That is progress. Before, I didn’t understand that there are things I can control even if I am in quicksand. I used to shirk my power. I was disgusted by the very word. Now, I won’t say that I fully embrace my power, but I at least am willing to consider the notion that power is necessary.

I am standing outside of the quicksand now, processing everything that has gone before, and wanting to figure out how to move forward and who to move forward with.

“With” has been the word in my consciousness for some months now. Find my “with”. But I haven’t found it. But maybe I have. Let me give credit where credit is due. I found a success coach who I touch bases with five days a week. She Loves me to death. I feel the energy of Love. I Love her, too. She helps keep me accountable for making progress in my career life, and I have made more progress in the two months that I’ve been working with her than I’ve made in a whole year combined. I finished a script edit that I’ve been working on for years. I finished a business plan that I’d been putting off for two years. I finished a marketing plan that I’d also been putting off. I registered four social media sites for my business. I followed through on getting some phones fixed so that I could get info I needed for the business. I got an awesome mentor who is helping me take next step. I applied for two grants and started thinking about money. I stopped shirking money and the very real possibility that I could make enough money to thrive and never have to worry about money again and still do exactly what I want to do with my life crossed my mind. A life by design crossed my mind.

I had and have a deep feeling that it’s not fair. Somewhere in me, I have carried this deep thing that it’s not fair to have an awesome life. It’s not fair to be rich or pretty or loved or liked or successful. It was fair for other people, but not fair for me. I always wanted to bend down, to be lower, to not stand out, to fit in with wherever I was. It was not ok for me to have a big ol’ house or a family or an awesome career that I Loved or be rich while others were suffering… I have carried so many nonsense bullshit beliefs with me over the years…

Truth be told, everyone has what they are here to do with this life. I know I am going all over the place in this blog. Thanks for reading. Somehow, this blog is the only place that I can explore my inner world and actually get to some understanding that I can take action from.

So much has happened. So much always happened. I’ve felt stuck, but really I’ve been making progress. I’d like to be making progress and feel like I’m making progress. Feel good about it. Not feel guilty about it. Have fun with it. I got my heart broken. Again. I’m sad about it, but strangely excited about the fact that my heart still works and I can still Love and I had an experience of Bliss and synchronicity and partnership with a really smart man – a leader – and it was better than anything I could have experienced on my own.

So, I’m feeling heartbroken, but today, hopeful. Today, I came to my alma mater to work. I don’t know why I haven’t come here during this whole quarantine time. Other people are here. This energy is a hopeful energy. It’s real. Like, people who go to this school get out into the world and live dream lives. They have enough money. They have careers that they love and spend time learning and cultivating their passions and talents and interests. They have families and healthy dynamics and support systems and they have the words to articulate what all these things mean. And so when I’m here, looking around at all the students putting in time to get work done well, I am inspired. I am truly inspired. I’m one of them. I graduated from this school. This is what identity can do for you.

I’m supposed to have a good life. I don’t know how I came from where I came from, from statistics where no one is supposed to have a good life, and I have the audacity to sit here at USC saying I’m supposed to have a good life, but I am. I am. This is the mantra that I’m going to embody this week. There are a million things that I’m supposed to finish this week. I could finish them. I could finish them all this week. I could really finish off every single thing that I need to do to push my life forward this week. I could call it a wrap on this part of my life. I really could just say, “I’m done. I’m done this week. Not a whole month. Not a whole year. Not nine years.” We’ve been at this for years. We’ve been at this for lifetimes. Thought of being done, just being completely done with this part of my life gives me a bit of anxiety, but the thought of being a lonely woman with all kinds of depression and health issues and dysfunctional relationships and living in that apartment by myself and not ever having good, safe sax or having babies or finishing up on any of the dreams that really matter to me is just not acceptable.

This is hard. Even the thought of breaking through to a totally different type of life experience is very much daunting. I don’t want to do it by myself. Can I be honest? I don’t want to do this by myself. I have tried to do this “with” others, but haven’t found anything that will gel, where mutual goodwill resounds. Sure, I’ll take the blame, but that doesn’t help anything, because I still haven’t learned how to sustain these healthy relationships. I end up feeling wronged by the other party and usually feel like I’m carrying the momentum forward on my own with no support. And the other parties end up resenting me or being jealous of me for one reason or the other, usually reasons that they are never willing to articulate, but it generally revolves around me maybe breathing wrong or laughing too loud or expressing hurt after I feel hurt…

I have created a culture of my needs not being important, but others will say that I have created a culture of my needs being too important, for if I need anything, it is viewed as too much. I have created expectations that I am the life force to feed others, not one to be fed unless I am dying. It’s OK. It’s fine. I’m not so sad about everything in this moment. Resigned. I give up. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix all my relationships. I don’t necessarily want to fix them all or be in certain dynamics anymore.

But I am wondering if I would dare open up my mouth and make a definite and firm decision to follow through on my deepest knowings this week. Yes, this week. This very week. This very Blessed week. I know that if I would follow through on your direction, God, I would be free. I would break through. Why, now, does the idea of being free and breaking through terrify me so?

I have been used to this life here. I know the pitfalls. I’ve learned to manage them. I’ve created a whole identity here in my sad life. I guess we don’t break through because we don’t know what it would be like. Would it work? Would it be like my most recent heartbreak? I experience a Bliss better than I can imagine and then lose it? We would rather not face the disappointment of really going for it, having it for a bit, and then losing it. We have experienced so much pain and disappointment already that we don’t really believe that God gives a shit about us, if we even believe there is a God.

And so we put effort into what we think we can control. It’s not the answer for me. The stuff I can control is all a bunch of shit to me. I don’t care about it.
Everything I care about will require shifting and changing and transmuting and transforming and releasing control. Am I going to do it, Allah? Is there any foundation I can base this whole new everything upon? I’m supposed to have a good life. I look around at this University. So many moving parts. Somebody visioned a university. And they got a team together. And they had departments and systems so manage so many moving parts. And they figured out how to get money and circulate it among these moving parts. I think my destiny is somewhere here. I won’t live to see the manifestation of it all. But to find out what needs to be healed. I have to do it within myself or I can’t lead anyone. But I surely know about the darkness. I surely know how to gentle with the darkness. I surely know that meanness and unforgiveness and a closed heart only begets sickness and a siphoned off flow of life…

Also, in my dreams come true world, I have a life coach. She’s been helping me break through in my life as well. My life coach has been helping me get my personal life in order. I will say that I don’t hate so many people anymore. The bitterness that had started building in me for the first time a year ago has been healing and subsiding and my energy field is starting to be free again because of the work I’ve been doing with her. My assignment for my last session with her was to choose to be lit or unlit in all ways in life. What goes along with that is to let go of what others think of you. I worry about this big time. My family especially. I worry about what they will think of me. Will they like me? Hate me? Call me bad? Judge me? If I truly just did everything I wanted to do with my life, would they accept me?

Could I, Allah, stop worrying about all those things? Would You forgive me if I made mistakes or if I was weak sometimes or if I fell short on the things I wanted to do or be? Do I get any more chances to mess up? Would my heart be hurt and pulverized again if I let myself be vulnerable? Would anybody like me for real? Even if I was super awesome? Like, if I was just that awesome, for real, would anybody like me? Or if I had flaws? Would I be judged so harshly like I’ve experienced?

K, this blog hasn’t really gone anywhere, but it has allowed me to voice my thoughts and concerns for this part of my life.

I do believe that a choice must be made. Somewhere earlier I postured that I could move on, break through, finish up on all the things God has put before me by the end of this week. I absolutely can. But do I choose to? It feels fake and my whole back, shoulders and chest hurt as I think of making this choice. Do I choose to give my all this week? Like my full 100%? For my very own self? With or without a man? With or without healthy relationships? With or without anyone’s approval? Do I choose to approve of my own self anyway and champion myself for the first time in my life? And call myself good even if I don’t believe it? Do I choose to make use of all the gifts and magic that I’ve been Blessed with for the upliftment of my very own life? And reach out to the people whom God has inspired me to reach out to? Just face it. Face it. Face them. Face it. Face my own Brilliance and even the darkness.

God, you have inspired me with many instructive that I’ve yet to follow through on. I’ve been afraid of so much. But today, I’m just going to follow through. Fear or no fear, I’m going to follow through. Yes. Yes. Today. I make the definite and firm decision to follow through on every single Blessed thing you have told me to follow through on from the past. I make the definite and firm decision to follow through on every single Blessed gift you have given me to follow through on. I make the definite and firm decision to follow through. I choose to follow through on your instruction. Forget about how to pin a man down and just do the work of accepting into my energy field a good life. Call the people you told me to call. Sort the papers you told me sort. Organize the binders you told me organize. Rewrite what you told me to. Post what you told me to. Talk to who you told me to talk to. Get my ass ready to get on this monumental spaceship debt free, open, healed and cleared of all this karmic residue. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, I am willing to stand up and show up for my breakthrough. Yes. Not just in words. Not just in an inspirational blog. Even if it hurts. Even if it’s uncomfortable. In action. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! I choose to listen to my inner knowing and take action.

Any my inner knowing says to finish putting in a grant today. Every day we will finish one past due thing. At least one thing that we can finish completely, and more if there is time and energy. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

I choose to embrace my breakthrough into a different experience and expression of life. I choose to be different. Sit with my head up. Learn what it is to have a posture of humility, ease, grace and also embody my own power. Open my heart and embody those things I wish to experience, because really, it is those qualities that are seeking to be expressed through me. Kindness, goodwill, patience, forgiveness, seeing the good in others, allowing others to radiate in my presence, accepting someone just as they are even if they are not expressing the best of themselves. Loving and forgiving anyway. Not harboring resentment. Yes, these are Super Being qualities, and I am a Super Being. Everyone is. It’s just a choice.

And so, for the next seven days, God, I am going to practice following through. On every Blessed thing you have told me to do. This is my commitment to myself. This is my commitment to the world. Of course, all of my work is just a contribution to the world and the world to be, but let it be a contribution to myself, too. Let it be enjoyable, not daunting. YES. HERE IS THE ANSWER. Let it be fun. Lean into it. Let it be amazing. Let yourself Love it. Let yourself Love you. It’s a practice. It will feel unnatural at first because you are not used to it, but little step by little step, you can get used to it. Don’t worry about people calling you selfish. Don’t worry about people guilting you for not focusing your life on them. You know you are not selfish and most of your life up until now has been focused on everyone’s upliftment but your own. You can not help them with your back bent. You can not help them without your joy. You can not help them without being aligned with your purpose and power. Not with the thriving part of life, and we are beyond survival now.

And so my Blessed One, shall we begin again? One more time. Commitment. Your life is supposed to be good. This week. Every single day, follow through with one thing – it can be big or small, but the objective is to complete it all the way. Complete one past due thing all the way. Every single day. Write it down on your work log. Yep. Because we are going to measure how drastically your life is going to change and how much time you put into all things. So write it down. And do it. Let’s get started now. Grant is a big deal for years. Complete that today and start on absolutely Love rewrite of script and get help with apartment clean-up stuff and some spending money from a new roommate. And give that computer thing to C. Ready?

I am serious. We are completing these things today. We must. Ready? Yes, you are ready. I will help you. Calm your nerves. I Love you. Just keep saying it. God is for me and not against me. Just keep saying it. Allow something more than you to be with you, even if you don’t believe it. Allow for things to be easier than you believe they can be.

Ready, set, go!!!!

Ameen.

Day 543
The BreakThrough (Following Through)