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Day 544 – Acceptance

November 12, 2020

Y’all. I’m procrastinating. Well, not all the way procrastinating. Somewhat. Yeah, procrastinating. If I take one more step, this will all be over. It’s already over. I’ve been trying to hide from my destiny, but it keeps finding me. I asked for it, but I don’t know how to have it. Except that’s not true. That’s just what I’m used to saying.

I do know how to have it. I’m having it now. Nobody has liked my recent posts… Can I tell you what has happened? So much has happened. So much always happens. First, I’ll start with today. I have a profile on a dating app. This year has been the shits with dating. I have literally had three proposals this year, which isn’t bad. But two of them pulled out and left me high and dry. My year started off fighting one guy that I thought I was going to marry. We were fighting bc he was visiting Cali for the first time, visiting me, and he didn’t want to go to a New Year’s party with me. He didn’t want to do much with me at all. Just wanted to sit at home all day and talk to his friends on the phone. So, yeah, that was that. We were talking about getting married, even got a marriage license, but he pulled out after all our fights.

Then, I got whisked away by family. My little sister came into town with her son and shook up the limbo that me and my then roommate were in. Made me realize that the life I was living just wasn’t the answer. I ended up starting off the quarantine single-mother babysitting my nephew for a while, and my nephew is so lovely. I Loved taking care of him and teaching him stuff. I fell in Love with the idea of being a mother. Had never cared much about mothering before. Priorities shifted. Hung out with sis for a while babysitting and had some harsh realizations about our dynamic. Still processing it all, but left heartbroken.

Came back to LA. Didn’t feel welcome at brother’s place. He didn’t say I wasn’t welcome. I just didn’t feel welcome. He frowns and tightens up when I come around. I was in the sunken place and couldn’t handle anything much less than blatantly knowing I’m wanted and loved. I went to my apartment. Sunk more. Didn’t realize that I was actually taking some skin meds whose side effects were “potential suicide and depression”. The side effects were hitting me hard and I ate ice cream every day and cried on the bed for about two and half months straight.

Finally, when my brain just couldn’t get my feet to move off the bed, I thought that maybe I was going crazy and needed to see a doctor. I looked at the meds I was taking. Reread the side effects. Stopped taking them. My brain relaxed a bit. During that time, George Floyd was murdered. The world was in a state of unrest. We were ordered to stay at home. I had already broken up with most of the people I was living life with six months earlier, and I broke up with the last one that month. A friend who also frowns at me more than smiles. I was on my way to see him, wanted to support him at his business, but I didn’t know where he was located. I called him but he didn’t answer. I messaged him asking for the address but he didn’t respond. I was scared, out on these rioting streets. My brain wasn’t working quite right and I had to really breathe hard and concentrate to make sure I was driving ok. Finally, my friend reached out to me and gave me the address. He said he was busy and I should have gotten the address earlier or looked it up online. He saw my message but didn’t respond out of spite. I should have been more responsible, he said. There was no excuse.

It was just a bit too mean for me at the moment. Broke my heart, actually.

And so, broken-hearted I have been. Wounded. I lost interest in frowns. Frankly, I couldn’t bear them anymore. And so I locked myself up in these walls because I just couldn’t see anywhere in the world that was emotionally safe for me. Maybe it was all my fault, but I didn’t know how to fix anything and didn’t have the energy to fix it even if I knew. I just didn’t want anyone to hurt me anymore.

I met a guy. He was cute and sexy. But I was fat now, since I’d been eating ice cream and crying every day for about three months straight. And I was kind of raggedy. My clothes were raggedy. My legs weren’t shaved. My nails weren’t done. He liked me at first, but then he didn’t. He wouldn’t tell me why. I really think it’s because he saw some fat rolls on my back. I forgot that I had fat rolls, and also that there are people who don’t like fat rolls, and I went on a hike with him with my back out, some short pants that showed the bottom of my hairy legs and some raggedy shoes. I couldn’t hold my pee bc my nerves were shot at the moment and I was acting a fool so we could get to the bathroom. He ended the date early. Then I touched him on the back with Love and he froze up. Called the next day and said we should just be friends bc he overestimated our chemistry, but don’t touch him anymore because my hands were magic and he wanted us to be platonic friends. So basically, he didn’t want to date a fat, depressed girl and said we had not enough chemistry and too much chemistry. I was sad bc I was really attracted to him. It was really easy for me to just like the way he moved…

Blah blah blah. A bipolar guy liked me then acted bipolar when I didn’t immediately respond how he wanted. A guy that I met six years ago and lost touch with resurfaced and we met up down South. He was a perfect catch for me. Single, age appropriate, handsome, tall, no kids, owned a house, worked as a social worker, stable secure life… He wanted me to marry him. Move in first or marry first, whatever I wanted. It was the first time in my entire life that I felt like a man had actually chosen me. He had chosen me. I could feel it. There were no hangups. No secret lovers anywhere. No doubts in his mind. I could feel it.

By the time I had met him, though, I had been working with a life coach for about a month. I reached out to her because my life was not what I wanted it to be and I didn’t even know where to start anymore. I had tried doing stuff on my own, but it wasn’t working. My support systems had fallen apart and I wasn’t interested in rebuilding them as they were before. This life coach had suggested that I be selfish. I know some people already think I’m selfish enough, but she told me to be even more selfish. Consider myself. Consider what I like. Consider what’s good for me before I make decisions. So, this guy was great, but he wasn’t good for me. He didn’t frown at me, but he never seemed to really be listening whenever I’d talk. He’d cut me off. He’d belittle my efforts subtly, calling my amazing farm in Africa, the most challenging thing I’d ever done, some “little plants”. He was really concerned about me letting him lead, and I realized I didn’t really trust his leadership and didn’t want to follow him.

I mean, why would a woman want to follow a man who has shown no interest in understanding or respecting her needs and/or wants. He ain’t leading me anywhere I want to go, because he doesn’t even respect or know about where I want to go. So that was that. I declined his proposal and the next day I met another guy.

Within a week, new guy was at my place visiting him. I thought he could have been the one. His energy was electric. But then we fought. More leadership stuff. Wanted me to shut up and do what he said and also wanted to belittle any and of all of my views that weren’t aligned with his. It didn’t work. We disagreed. He left… I’m writing too long, but I’ve been wanting to write this blog for a while. There’s nothing like writing it for me, really. This is my super therapy.

Which brings me to today. My Electric man had really hurt my feelings by leaving. I wanted him to stay. I wanted us to talk and talk through our issues and get to the other side of a thing… But he left. A little over a month ago. My life coach told me to make a choice: Choose to be lit or unlit in life. Stop waffling. Either choose to do stuff that don’t light me up for whatever reason, or choose to gravitate towards and make choices that light me up… It was hard, because there was very little in my life that lit me up at the time. Nothing, to be quite honest. But I chose to be lit, and then I had to look at how dim my life really was. I cried a lot. I’m crying still…

I ran out of money and stopped seeing my life coach, but I had also had a success coach that helps me with business stuff. So I kept doing my business stuff. And, business stuff moved forward. My mom and sis came in town. I hadn’t seen either of them in almost a year. I faced our issues. Resolved many. I can’t even say I resolved them. God did. But I did put in some work in setting good intentions and being cognizant of my projections and doing my best to communicate with Love. I became aware of the issues with me and my brother, and finally this. This is what this blog is about. This is why I started off by saying that no one had liked my posts and why I’m just overflowed right now.

I realized that it could quite possibly be that my brother doesn’t like me. Stay with me. Maybe he does. But maybe he doesn’t. What if? Right? What if he doesn’t? What if there’s just no way that I could be the fullness of myself and my brother would like me? What if he just doesn’t like women who laugh loud? It’s against his religion? Or what if my smells and my sage and incense and whatever else just offend him? What if he always thinks I’m a potential hell monger because my ideology is not his and so he’s not allowed to listen to me, lest I lead him astray? I mean, what if this is just the way it is? What if I just don’t fit in all the way with the fam? What if mom will never accept my lifestyle or religion? What if bro always frowns at me? What if sisters always have an expectation that I can’t meet? What if friends just won’t allow for me not to be ok? Or won’t allow for me to be too ok?

Would I keep going on doing this and that, not doing this and that, showing this and that, not showing this and that, looking for approval? It wasn’t working anyway. Nobody was approving of me anyway. So – and this was just a few days ago, after my brother said I was bringing spider’s to his house because of my body lotion – I decided to stop living for other’s approval. Soften my hands. This is what came to me. Soften my hands. Be aware of the ways I show up. Start approving of myself. I didn’t get it all right. I got some things really wrong. Forgive myself already. I tried. I could stop beating myself up now. I tried. Even in the places I didn’t try, in the places that were intentionally mean, just forgive myself. See if I could look at all the dark places. Could I Love them? Even if nobody liked my blog, could I write it anyway? Tell the truth anyway.

Don’t worry about saving the world or lighting up the world, You say. I was born to be a light-bulb. A transformer. A transmuter and transmitter, like everyone else. Once the light is circulating within me, unimpeded, all of my relations will know. Life takes on a new flavor.

Yesterday, I made an online dating ad. I just told the truth about what I really wanted and what I had to offer. I didn’t even have my picture on the ad. Just had the picture of the back of my bald head. When I tell you that the finest, flyest men I done ever met have responded to that ad???? Ahimsa: absence of injury.

So today, a super-fly, fine man responded to my ad. He wrote: “The power of words… Reading your words… made me like you even though I have no idea what you look like”.

“The power of words” stuck with me. He didn’t know I am a writer. I never really thought of the idea that words could be powerful, especially mine. I hear the energy of my dead dad telling me to move on now. I feel Matsemala telling me that I can move on now. I passed the test. I learned to soften my hands and soften my mind… Use the power of my words now. Own it. Accept it. Make a definite and firm decision to be lit. Accept being lit. Be OK With Being OK. Accept goodness. Accept that you are good. Even with all the shit you’ve done and all that has happened. I forgive you. You didn’t know. You were just trying to get by. I forgive you. And I accept you. Accept you, now. And Thrive.


Day 544

From → Identity Shift

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