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Day 536 – Untitled Stake In The Ground Choosing To Be

June 13, 2020

I’m at my alma mater. Sitting in my car with the heat on. Don’t judge me. It’s 10:24 at night. I needed to get out of the house… I haven’t seen anyone all day. Spent most of my day lying on my deflated sleeping bag on the floor in my room, trying to avoid the world.

The world didn’t disappear. I closed my eyes, hoping to wake up to a different feeling, a different anything, but I didn’t. What got me off of the ground was a phone call from My People, the most awesome man I’ve ever met, who refuses to marry me. He says he won’t marry anyone. He’s old. A priest of sorts as well as consultant to kings, queens, presidents and so many elite people. I’m not even exaggerating. He’s that cool. And he calls my phone sometimes. I should blessed that I can connect with him from time to time… I always know that whenever he calls, I’m at a real critical place.

He gave me advice. I was thinking about doing a ceremony, and asked his advice. He gave me advice. Validated what I’d already known. Told me what to do. The thing that I had been avoiding… Write. He told me to write. He said I’m a writer. And he told me to use my words to set an intention and get my ass to a life I like to look at…

I had been getting this message for a while during prayer, but avoiding it. Lying on the ground instead. I’m supposed to write people letters. Write poems. Forgive people and stuff. Tell them how I feel. Tell them how I want to feel. Make decisions. Make intentions. Make commitments. Aaaaaaagh! Painful stuff all the way around. I have felt so mad and so offended by so many people. I don’t know how to let it go. Honestly, I haven’t wanted to let it go.

Because what will I have after that? Can I just be honest here? I know it sounds silly, but I don’t know a life where I’m all right. Since I was a kid, eleven to be exact, I don’t remember if there was ever a time that I felt ok in myself. Do you know what I mean? Happy all the way. With no burdens. No offenses. No broken relationships… A moth just flew into my car. Moths have been all up in my apartment since I got back to LA.

The police murdered a black man on camera. Again. A pandemic came through and shifted everyone’s lives… I was already in the middle of a restructuring of my world when this all hit. Y’all, there’s so much I need to write.

“Start with your feelings”, my Spirit says. I feel hurt. Confused. Desperate. Sad. Lonely. So alone. Unforgivable. Misunderstood. Lost… I’m not quite sure what I’m doing here on this planet. Some say it’s a mirage. A matrix of sorts, our lives. And here we are, caught in the midst of mirages. And if the real thing is only the centered place, then what’s the point of it all?

My mind goes deep. The hurt goes deep, but under the hurt is sadness. The sadness is so deep. Do you know what I feel like? Like no one knows me. Like no one gets me. Like there is no one to hold and be held by. To smile at. Just smile at without no other strings attached. Like everyone who actually does see me and like me wants something from me that I don’t want to give. Or wants me to give what I’m giving in a different way or be what I’m being in a different way. I feel alone. And I don’t care. I don’t care about the things I’m supposed to care about. I feel like I don’t have a religion… I don’t have a place where I belong. I am fighting a battle on my own, but I can’t win it on my own.

A part of my brain says that this is just a story, and I am so powerful that I can change it just like that. In an instant. Everyone can’t do it. But I can. I know how to dematerialize and manifest in an instant. Change the story. I hesitate to think that I can do this. It feels bad and blasphemous to assume that I have any kind of power. To think that me and God are one. I’m laughing because one of the names of God, actually, two of the names of God in the religion of my youth, translate to the “One”. The all in one, and the one in all… A part of my brain does not want to be special. They will not like me. I want to write poems and tell people off, but they won’t like that either. I want people to be ok with me not being happy all the time, but they won’t. I am the motivator.

And no one is coming to save me. I’m here in my car in the middle of the night without a soul to hold. Without a soul to talk to who can give me comfort. And my mind says, “Well, who are you giving comfort to?” and I want to say, can I just be an ass for a minute? Can I just receive for a minute? Please? Is there some list somewhere of my giving? Haven’t I given enough to enough people where I can take a break? Just for a minute? Can I just not think about giving for a minute and get?

The programs in my brain are fried. They are not making sense anymore. I feel sorry for myself. I remember the days I basically lived in this car. Basically got a blanket and slept here because I didn’t want to go home to whoever was there. The question deep is am I going to fight for my life? Am I going to use my power? Am I going to be sovereign and blasphemous? Who am I without the guidance and overbearing programming of my mother? My siblings? Without the voice of my used to be best friend telling me what to do? Who am I without the book of God that I’m supposed to go to, telling me what life is about?

You say I have to make a choice. Tonight. Put a stake in the ground. I am dying from indecision. Halfway, half-hearted moves will not suffice at last… To be or not to be… the question makes sense for the first time… To be or not to be.

What does it mean? I look for guidance outside of me. Any book. Any body. Any anything except accepting my own authority… My People says I am a writer. He says that what I say with words can be a reality. He says that I can catch a vision for my overseas heal the world mission, and speak it, and plant seeds for a new kind of world. He says that I can use my free will for my own life. Decide. Decide the life I want and have it. Create. Accept it. Allow. Just decide that this is the way it is to be. And be… And I am so afraid of this. I am so afraid of this. I feel so afraid of this.

But still I must decide. Can I? Can I decide not to be this anymore? The only thing and the only way I’ve known for so long? Can I decide to take ownership of my life? I feel like throwing up as I write this. I want to write poems, but I think maybe because the world is talking about race and diseases and my poems are talking about sad stuff that maybe my poems won’t be received right now? I don’t know. But I know I have to do it.

I have to do this. I have to decide. Now. I have to make a full 100 percent decision. This won’t work anymore. I’m dying of depression. I’m dying from heartache. I’m dying from not expressing myself. I’m dying from living out of alignment with who I am and where I belong. And even if I don’t know… even if I don’t know the truth of it all. Even if I don’t know the whole of it all. I know I don’t belong here anymore.

I know that much. I know that this is enough. A lifetime, probably lifetimes of being stuck inside myself… a lifetime of having so many beautiful thoughts die… a lifetime of painful relations… My head hurts, but I’m going to do this, Insha Allah.

I am going to, for the first time in my life, on purpose, carefully, use my words. All the way. Yes, I am going to be like one of those Maya Angelou people. Yes, I am special like that. Not because I want to be better than anyone. I have such a resistance to doing anything more than anyone or people thinking that I’m trying to be better than them…. I am going to lay everything down. Every single thing, God. Everything.

I don’t know what religion to choose. I don’t know about if it’s a mirage or if anything here is real. I haven’t found the meat that fills me up, but I’m going to look for it. There. There you have it. I commit. In this moment, in my lucky car that I won on a game show in 30 minutes… This car that I’ve taken out loans out against and paid my rent with and paid other people’s rent with… this car that I went to an audition for. The lady at the audition asked me why I want to be on the show, and I said because my car broke and I need a new car. And I went on the show. And I won a new car in 30 minutes. And it’s in my name. And it’s the only thing that I own as far as property in this world… In this lucky car, God, that reminds me that there is more to life than meets the eye, I am going to stand my ground. I am choosing to take ownership of my life fully. Now. I own two things, now.

I choose. You say that that is our gift. To choose. Our will. I reclaim my will. Now. Back from everyone. Back from the will of my ancestors. Back from the will of my mom. Back from the will of my friends. And my siblings. And my lovers. And my race. And my gender. Back from my agreements known and unknown, ever. Chords, spells, binds, blocks, implants, illusions have no power over me any more. Today, in this moment, June 13, 2020 12:38am, I call back my power… and I choose to accept it. I accept it. Now. ALL OF IT.

I don’t want to paint the picture too deep yet, God, because I want you to paint it with me. Hand in hand. I don’t want to do this on my own. I can’t, in fact. I choose you, Good forces known and unknown, I accept you to be here with me. I am willing to be a grown up now. I am willing to be responsible for my own life now. My gift. I will face the void and choose to see it for what it is. I accept. I accept. I accept. I accept. I accept happyness and fulfillment as my life. I commit to it. I’m going home now. And so it is.


Day 536
Untitled Stake In The Ground Choosing To Be

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