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Day 535 – From The Outside Looking In

May 23, 2020

We were taught aloneness. Independence. Some of us. Something to be proud of. We did it all by ourselves. And no one but you can get you into Heaven. Is it blasphemy, then, to say that I don’t want aloneness? I don’t believe.

I don’t believe it’s possible anymore, alone. I don’t see the purpose of alone. It feels like the biggest lie. And even together, we are alone. I heard a talk today from My People. My People is a genius. He is a world changer. I didn’t even realize how phenomenal he is and I pinch myself every time I become aware that this guy is my friend. He talks to me and gives me water and he gave me money to buy ice cream once. I Love him. I wish he’d marry me and be my baby daddy to be honest, but he doesn’t want to.

So I am content with receiving what he is willing to give and navigating our relationship in the places where we agree. He’s an international speaker, and I looked him up online today. He had done a talk in the past few weeks, and I took this from it. “I am with you in the reality that allows you to know that you’re not alone… Let me come to where your suffering is, and let’s get out of it together…”

This was it. These were the words. This was the safety I had been wanting all these years. I’m not supposed to say it. I’m supposed to say other things like I can do it all by myself and I don’t need anyone and no one owes me anything and I better figure it out because nobody is coming. I know. I know. How dare I feel entitled to that level of Love and how dare I think that I can’t do anything without it?

I know. I’m not supposed to want those things. I’m supposed to figure out how to get along without those things and don’t even focus my life on trying to give those things – It’s called codependency in many cultures… But those words? Those are the words I’ve been wanting all my life.

My brother gave it to me recently when I was sick down South. He was with me. He was with me, where my suffering was, and he helped me get out of it. To come to the place of another’s suffering and help them get out of it; to be with them in the reality that allows them to know that they are not alone… What a gift.

Many people, some of my mentors, say don’t worry about being alone. Get over this fear of being alone. I see both sides… That is where my mind was when I started this blog today. Aloneness and togetherness. But we will go down that thought path on another day, maybe.

Right now, I’m thinking about this time in my life. The next phase. A new moon. An empty apartment. An older lady. A womb with eggs that have expiration dates. A phone that doesn’t ring that often. Phone numbers that I mostly don’t feel like calling. A realization of so many mistakes. An awareness of my situation like never before. A sadness. A deep, deep sadness. Knowing what to do next, but feeling real resistance to actually taking action.

I had a lot of boyfriends this past week, and dumped them just as fast. Didn’t do anything with anyone. Mostly talked to people on the phone and texted. An old acquaintance who had been trying to get it for some time came by. We didn’t do anything but talk. A young guy looking for a hero. An older guy who is very accomplished and ambitious and lonely. A friend from overseas. I told him that I was just about ready to get married and he confessed his secret undying love for me. Another friend, who has constantly been trying to court me, tried every way to come visit when he heard I’m back in town. I didn’t see him. A birthday of a guy I dated. He was trying to find a way for me to help him with stuff and I said I’d help. He was hurt when I asked him to video stream stuff. Another good friend from overseas messaged to confess that he’s trying to get boo’d up. And finally, the guy whom I went on my first date in life with, a super cutie and respectable guy, reached out… I should be flattered. I used to be flattered. It used to be fun having all these guys around who liked me. Maybe because I grew up as an ugly girl, it made me feel valuable to have guys like me. Or maybe it’s because they were generally my only friends. The people I was doing life with. And so I just ignored that they actually liked me, because I wanted them to be my friends.

It’s not fun anymore, though. Because it hurts people. All those guys are probably nuts anyway, but I’m not helping them by holding their feelings hostage here. And I’m not helping me, either. I’m holding my own self hostage.

So I awake on this auspicious Saturday morning realizing that I’ve wasted a lot of time. Metaphysical people don’t like when you use the word wasted, but ghetto people do. I’m ghetto and meta, so I’ll say wasted. I feel like I’ve wasted a lot of time, and I feel sad about it. And I’m afraid of everything. Not knowing how to start over. Can I just tell the truth? Can I just be honest about what I think and feel? It’s not pretty. I feel like I’ve been in some kind of darkness for so long. And I’ve wasted a lot of time doing the same old things and not even recognizing how deeply they were impacting my life in a negative way.

And now that I see the light, I’m asking myself, how could I have been that way? How could I have done those things or not done those things or thought those things or let people do those things to me? How is it that I’m living a life with no love? No real love. So many of us are so unhappy… How did I get here? Why did it take me so long to even fathom… I can’t even get the words out. I feel ashamed of myself. I really feel ashamed of myself for so many reasons. I feel embarrassed. And my relationships that have fallen apart? I can’t say that I really want them back. In fact, I can say that I don’t want them back in the ways that they were. But how to change them? How to change me? Where do I start? Is there time? Will I have kids before I get too old? Will I ever fall in love and have a healthy relationship with someone who loves me, too? Will things ever be good – for real good – between my family and I and so many others? Will I ever get to experience that real flow? The flow of authentic goodwill – no jealousy. No anger. No bitterness. No resentment. No control. No judging. Just Love and acceptance. Will that ever happen between me and family? Or me and my friends? Or me and anyone except the people who really aren’t trying to be a part of my life like that?

Where do I start? My brother says I should be focused on trying to get to Heaven and taking responsibility for my life. The kid in me wants to say, “You’re wrong! I’ll show you!” But the grown up in me doesn’t want to fight anymore… I don’t want to fight anymore. I just don’t. My other mind says, maybe if I just did what everybody wanted me to, and just said sorry about everything and I said I was all the bad things they think I am and wrong and tried their ways of life, maybe they’d like me then… But I don’t believe it. I don’t really believe I was all the bad things they said I was… I just don’t… These thoughts really wreak havoc on me, though, and have me knocked out on the bed for days. The thought of my brother and mom and family members thinking I’m a bad person really gets me. It gets me really down and has… I got distracted.

Someone, a business acquaintance, sent me an email asking if he could support me in any way and also reminding me that I’m powerful… Well, the good news is that since the start of this blog till the end, I feel a lot more empowered. My Best Friend would be really proud of me. He used to say, “turn it around”. Like, whatever deep hole you were going down, turn it around. I miss him still, but don’t feel strong enough to engage with him. He doesn’t know how to Love and not hurt or use people. We all have our flaws…

I’m debating about deleting this entry and starting a new one… So many freaking thoughts pass through in such a short amount of time. Just now, for some reason, I ended up reading emails from someone who said I was unstable… Oh! I know what I was thinking. I was thinking about how, when you see people in those AA meetings, they always say, “My name is such and such and I’m an alcoholic.” I was wondering what I had to confess to, and then I thought, “I’m emotionally unstable.” Then I went and looked for an email from some guy who had called me such, but I couldn’t find it. I’m a shirker? I’m trying to find the main thing that needs to be repaired. The fulcrum.

The fulcrum is that I don’t accept my power and I don’t want responsibility for leading the direction of my life. That is the point upon which all other disasters have rested… Can we change it? It’s weird, because I feel like I can, but I am so afraid of doing it and admitting it. I feel my heart racing in my throat and belly. It is now or never, really. We can keep on like this forever. Many do. No judgement on them. This is just not the lifetime for them to breakthrough…

But we can keep on like this forever. Or we can not. It was seven years ago that that guy called me emotionally unstable. And six years ago that I got sick and was diagnosed emotionally and physically unstable. And more than ten years ago that I met He Who Came Before and became so unmoored and psychically unstable…

And now, from the outside looking in, I see myself, with these old lady pajamas on and sunglasses and looking so pathetic, and there’s no brother or mother to reach out to. No book that can tell me about myself better than I. There is no sister who’s judgments can reach places that don’t exist in me. Am I willing to know what to do and do it?

Am I willing to jump out of this sad, sad, identity… my back hurts as I write this. My heart rate speeds up. I’m gonna do it. Yep. I’m gonna do it, God willing. I close my eyes. Am I willing to accept my won power? Finally? Am I willing to accept my own power? For real. Even if means not being liked. Oh, my God. Even if it means being liked? Am I willing to accept my own Grace and take ownership of this life at last? Am I willing to own my life at last? Am I willing to own my body at last? Am I willing to own my power at last? To Love myself at last… My body belongs to me. My body belongs to me… My body belongs to me… My life belongs to me. My energy belongs to me… Dream Lover tricked me. He was married all along. I’m sorry, Laydie. Benjamin hurt me. He betrayed me, God. I’m sorry, Laydie. And they don’t really Love me… They don’t Love me, Allah… I’m sorry, Laydie… Would you be willing to forgive?

From the outside looking in, would you be willing to turn your own power towards yourself for the sake of your happiness? Would you be ok with this? Your own happiness? Would you be ok with this? Your own happiness? If no one else made it out, would you be ok with this? Your own freedom? You’re a good person. You’re a good person. From the outside looking in, you’re a great person. A sweet person. A humble person. From the outside looking in, you’re a kind person. And you’re so gifted and… I had to stop again.

Y’all. Do you know the hardest thing? To accept. After you have been through so much shit and you are used to living a certain way… I’m used to being an almost. Not a done. And this shift is huge. And I know that if I open up to my power and use it towards myself and accept the Grace of God, then it’s possible. But I am afraid of possible. It hurts my throat and makes my shoulders tense. But I know it is the only way. But I am even afraid to tell you that I’m going to make it. Like I don’t think you’ll like me if you think I’m going to make it. Like this was the agreement. How not to cry every day was the agreement. The other side of happy – the happy side of happy was no where in the picture.

So, this is a big one. Maybe the biggest one. Maybe the biggest day of my life. If I could get on the outside looking in and tell me what to do… And do it. And if I could accept my power, I could do it. If I could do it, then my life would change. Like, for real. Not a temporary change. Not a part-time change. The nerves in my body are acting a fool right now. My throat hurts. I am tempted to stop writing and go look at my celebrity crush’s Instagram page. But I’m going to power through, God willing.

My name is Laydie Byrd and I am powerful. I accept being powerful. I accept being powerful. I accept being powerful. I am Loving and Loved. I accept being Loving and Loved. I accept being Loving and Loved. I accept being Loving and Loved. My life is a good life. I accept my life being a good life. I accept my life being a good life. I accept my life being a good life. I accept my life being a good life. Whoa. I accept my life being a good life. I accept my life being a good life. I accept my life being a good life. I accept a good life. I accept a good life. I accept a good life. I am willing to have a good life. I accept a good life. I am willing to be a good life. I am willing to be a good life. I am a good life. I am a good life. I am a good life. I am a good life. I am a good life. I am willing to have a good life. I am a good life.

I turn my gaze towards myself. I am willing to listen to the wisdom of my own being. I choose to listen finally. I choose to accept a good life forever more. Forever more. Forever more. Forever more.

Who am I being today? How am I being today? Today I am being full of Grace. I just accept it. Today I am relaxing into my own power. I relax even though it hurts… I just accept it. From the outside looking in, I want you to know that you can do this, Laydie. You can do this. You are ready to do this. You are not on your own with this. Don’t tell them what you’re about to do. Everybody don’t like you. But tell yourself. Tell yourself. Write it down. Write it down now. Today. Make that commitment to yourself. Commitment. Today. Write it down. You know what to do. I will tell you. You know where to get help. I will help you. Please accept my help. The world is counting on you. This is not a fairy tell. The world is counting on you. This is how the world wakes up. One by one by one by one by one. And some person that thinks they’re better than you sees you break free and they say, “If she can do it, I can do it”, and they break free.

And that is your gift. You are your best gift to yourself and everyone else. You understand? From the outside looking in, I am putting my arms around you. I am giving you the compassion that you’ve so craved. I am putting my arms around you. I am loving you… Feel it. Look towards me, now. Feel it. Your life is not the same now. Feel it. I am Loving you. Feel it. Let me Love you. Feel it. Feel what it is to have your shoulders touched with Love, no debt accrued… I see you. I see your pains. I see your suffering. I am so sorry. I know you have been hurting for a such a long time. I know your posture has changed and your skin has changed and your eyes are not as white. I want you to know, though, that I Love you still. And I love you even at your best. Love is not just for the broken hearted. Nor is it only for the ones who got it right. The sun shines on everyone – on anyone who is willing to go out and receive it.

So forgive yourself, my baby. And accept my Grace even if you can’t forgive yourself right now. OK? Even if you only do one thing today. Even if you do no things, but I know you will do many things… But no matter what happens or doesn’t happen, know that I am here with you. Loving you, appreciating you, helping you. I am here helping you. I am here helping you. I am here thinking highly of you. Yes, even now. Look towards me now. Join hands with me now. When you are weak, I am even here lifting you, carrying you, bringing help to you. And I am clapping for you. You can be strong, too. You can be a giver, too. You can be a helper, too. Don’t focus on that, though. Don’t worry about it. They will call you selfish. I am here protecting you from the pain of their words. Let me help you. I will teach you about your own goodness so much so that no lie calling you out of your name will ever land again. And you will be good. You are good. You are good. You are good. Open up your arms. Hold me now… I’m holding you.

Have faith. Go to the place where you know what you know. Know it now. Know it now. Know it now. We are changing lives. We are moving upwards and onwards at last. You were born for this… I was born for this… I was born for this…

Ameen

Day 535

From The Outside Looking In

From → moving on

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