Day 537 – Integrate, Process, Choose

Here we go. So much pain and unprocessed/ unintegrated emotions still… Thinkin of my sister. Can I just write it out? This might be a bit incoherent. She hates my guts. I wish she didn’t. A few of them hate my guts. Why? They wanted me to be there for them in ways I was not. Am not. I guess I did try to punch one of them in the face. She kept coming for me. That’s what it felt like. It felt like she was just coming for me, trying to pull me in directions I didn’t want to go. Not respecting what I was telling her. Not giving me space when I asked for it. Messing up the good situation I was in by having conflict with my caregiver, which in turn distracted him from his caregiving and even made him feel like he was giving too much to me; when he was giving exactly what I needed for the first time in my adult life. It was the first time in my adult life where someone was actually respecting me, interested in what I needed, and offering care to me in safe ways. I was in Heaven. And then she came around just messing everything up, talking about I don’t need what I need. Not even knowing to this day what was wrong with me or what my diagnosis was. Her actions felt slightly malicious. They didn’t feel all the way accidental.

My other sib is mad at me because she’s going through a major life transition. I stayed with her for three months to help her through, and then left to come back to LA. She wanted me to stay longer, even though she was sitting over there talking about my help is just the same as anyone else’s and she don’t need me and I don’t love her. It’s hard to get anything done for myself when I’m with her. It feels like she wants me to pour all of my time and energy into her all the time, and she resents when I have “Me” time, or if I move forward and she’s not. But then she gets angry if I try and encourage her to do stuff to move herself forward, and accuses me of trying to control her, etc, etc. So I came back to LA. Because I need to move forward with my life. And everyone resents me for wanting to move forward.

It’s like the people in my world feel like I’m obliged to give my all to lifting them up. The give what they can when they feel like it. Sometimes when they don’t feel like it. But they’re not about to move out of their home or quit their job and delay their plans to meet me wherever I am and support me in whatever. They’re definitely not about to do that if they see I’m farting around. But they expect me to do that for them…

That’s not what I meant to write about today, but I’ve been cussing people out in my head. Cussing people out in my dreams. Having all these conversations in my mind with others. Trying hard not to say mean stuff to people, but I got so much mean stuff to say. They’re assholes. Can I say it here? Somehow I feel like it needs to be said. Somehow I feel like they don’t get it. That’s why their lives are all effed up. I wish someone would tell me the stuff that I don’t know. The mean stuff that they gossip about, but never say to my face. I would like to know.

My mean ass brother loves to tell me about myself, but he’s so daggone mean. And he usually has no clue about what’s really going on with a person. He did say something to me, though, as I was crying and tell him I feel like a wounded baby. He said I’m not a baby and I need to get my ass up and take responsibility for my life. I mean thing to say to a person in pain, as usual, but it resonated.

My nerves are tingling. I feel anxious about writing more on this blog. Feel like pushing delete, but I’m gonna finish it out. Closing my eyes… Self responsibility. I am going to have to choose, with every ounce of me, 100% to grow. Something deep in me knows I can. The question is, do I want to quit? Do I want to settle for a life that’s not what I dreamed of? The answer is no. I don’t. I want to live my dream. I know I’m getting old, but nothing else will do. But I don’t know how to live my dream, you see. I’ve never seen it done by someone like me who comes from where I come from.

People have tried. People are trying. They are doing their best. But their is no role model. Perhaps I am to become the model. Yes, that is the truth. That is why so many are upset with me. They expected me to be the role model and show them the way. I didn’t know the way, but they thought I did.

Integrate, process, own, live… It’s time. It’s time to stand up tall in myself. It’s time to get over feeling sorry for myself. I can have compassion and kindness, but it’s time to get up now and fight for my own happiness. It’s time to fight for my own redemption. Make an intention for myself. Make an intention for the world. I’m going to go ahead and finally do it.

I commit. I intend. I’m going for the gold. Yep. Even now. I’m going for the gold. Even when I’m over here all emotionally unbalanced. I’m going for it. I’m going for the gold. I’m gonna face them. I’m going to face my fears and have all of these conversations that have been pent up. Or write letters. Or something. I’m going to process and integrate stuff and I’m going to grow and do my very darned best to make this life something I like being a part of. I commit. I intend. I choose. I’m gonna fight for myself, and I know that when I fight for myself, I’m fighting for everyone else who my life touches.

So here we go. I’m getting offline now. Gonna take a shower and finish two things on my list today. Three things, actually. Finish reading a book. Maybe one thing. Maybe the book might take a while. We’ll see. We’ll plan to finish the book. And hug someone. I need to touch and be touched. Thanks for reading. Have a Blessed day.

Day 537
Integrate, Process, Choose