Day 532 – Sweet Surrender (To Be Somebody)

Here we go. I’m outside. There’s someone sitting next to me and I don’t have my sunglasses on. I don’t know how I feel about this. I like to cry when I write my blogs, and oh, what a good cry I’ve got all up in me today. It’s a good cry. Cathartic. Going to a space where I can cry like I feel like it…

I’m back in my room. Crying like I feel like. The tide is shifting. I feel it. It’s getting better. Life is getting better. I got rejected from a program I thought I was going to get into. It was a directing program where you shadow someone and direct a commercial. I thought it was gonna be my big break and I was going to go back to LA and start directing and writing commercials and making at least 10k a month and never worry about money again, and I was gonna be someone at last.

To Be Somebody.

These days these really deep questions have been coming around for contemplation, and I’ve been looking at them.

What does it mean to be somebody? And how do you deal if you just never get there? Wherever there is? Whatever your dream of life is? What if you never break through? Are you a nobody then?

What if I never break through? It’s a question to wrangle with. I’m getting older and the world is falling apart and stuff. What if I never have a kid? My eggs get too old. Or what if I have a kid and my kid is a complete asshole or the child is just not what I was hoping for even if I try my best?

How do we cope with such deep disappointments? One part of me wants to go gung ho and just put my all into everything in life an make all this stuff happen. And the existential nine year old in me wonders what it’s all about.

What is this life all about? Who cares, anyway? What are we doing here on this Earth with all of our goals and ambitions and hopes and pride? What’s it all about? I could never really get into any of the answers I was given for that question, and even now, at mid age of sorts, I don’t know.

I don’t really know. But I’m coming to believe that maybe it’s about giving. Something about giving. Not in the way I had been giving. Not so that you can think highly of yourself or so that you can be somebody or tell somebody what you did. I think maybe you just give, because what are you doing with all that good stuff in you if you’re not giving it? If you’re not using it? It just kind of makes sense to be giving. And receiving, too. I don’t really know.

But I do. There’s also something to be said about showing up. Just showing up and getting it together. Just showing up. Waking up every day and just being here. Maybe that’s what it really is – maybe that’s what it really means to “be” somebody?

But isn’t everyone somebody? Even if they didn’t get it right? Even if they just couldn’t figure out how to do this Earth walk? Even if they just didn’t get there, wherever there is…

A part of me just wants to crumble. Like, I just want everything in me to fall. Any piece of pride, just break and get over this notion of judging everything and everyone, including myself. Just be ok. Like, just be wise now.

– Crumble, now. This is the feeling of surrender. Sweet surrender, set me free. Sweet surrender, set me free.

Day 532
Sweet Surrender (To Be Somebody)