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Day 533 – Prayers Up

April 27, 2020

Where to start? So much processing and shifting… Lord have mercy. I’m going back to LA in the next few days. For the past three months, I have been gallavanting around the world with my sister and her three year old son, and I have also visited other family members. It has been wonderful. It has been trying, too, because I wasn’t used to living life with other people anymore. But loneliness has not been my companion.

Now I’m going back to LA. I don’t really have much of a life I like there, and I’m not quite sure that I feel compelled to build one there any more. There’s no one there. I have a brother there. He’s cool enough, but generally we reach a point of conflict when it comes to religion and I don’t feel comfortable sharing the things that matter to me with him. And I have a really good friend there. A guy. He’s cool, too – the best – but whenever he gets a girlfriend, which is almost always, he goes into seclusion with that particular woman and I don’t really live a lot of life with him.

The world is currently shut down. It’s opening back up, but I think I’ll be a recluse for at least another month, because I’m not so certain that things are as safe as people are saying…

So, I’m thinking about the fact that I’m about to be locked in my apartment by myself in LA, with no one around who really wants to live life together or help each other in the ways needed, and it’s freaking me out. I’ve either broken up with my really good friends that I was living life with, or they’ve moved out of town… I know, I keep talking about how I miss my friends that I used to live life with, and you’re probably like, “Why don’t you call them and get back to it?” But it’s not that simple. I’ve changed so much. The relationships I’ve had with them are not ok anymore, and I don’t know if they’ve changed, but I doubt it…

So there you have it. A redundant post, I know. I’ve been here before. I don’t want to go back to LA to that lonely apartment by myself. But although it’s beautiful here, and I have people I Love and people who are willing to spend life with me here, my intuition tells me to go back home and just keep chipping away at the things I’ve been guided to do.

I’m so scared, God. Don’t even get me to talking about men or a husband. I don’t even know how to navigate that landscape anymore. My heart has been so crushed. I’m not that sassy girl who never gets hurt anymore. I get hurt. I feel stuff now. Deeply. And I know I’ve hurt people, too. And I don’t really want to hurt anyone any more. So, I feel slightly horrified… If my bestie were here, he would help me see the blind spots. He’d tell me what to do and help me be aware of what’s needed. Now, by myself… I’m not by myself, I just don’t really have anyone in my life who is particularly invested enough to take an interest in telling me what to do, or really, anyone who knows what to do. They are looking to me to figure this stuff out and show them a map.

So, maybe that’s my destiny. To chart unknown territories and draw up maps and introduce others to these spaces to explore. But I’m old now, God. I feel old, you understand? And really, I just want to be ok. I want my heart to be easy. I don’t want anymore stored resentments. I don’t want to cry so much anymore. I want to be ok. If I’m this trailblazer or whatever… I don’t even care so much about it anymore. It’s ok. It’s great. It doesn’t give me so much pride anymore to be gifted or whatever I am. I didn’t do anything to be born who and how I am. If I’m a leader, it’s just because God made my heart and mind that way. I never really sat down and said, “Hey. I want to be this way or the other.”

But I think it’s time I sat down and said, hey. I want to be this way. It’s way overdue. It’s time right now for people, myself included, to step up and face ourselves. And be on purpose about this life. It’s not so serious, but it is kind of really serious. It’s time. What’s important to me is Love. It’s so important to me to just have Love. To feel it. To share it. To live life with others in harmony. I didn’t realize I cared so much about it, but I do.

So there you have. I don’t have a bunch of witty stuff to say in this entry with a clean way to tie it all up. I’m feeling a lot of pain. I’m feeling paralyzed with fear and I’m just using this space to process and get through so that I can move on and move forward. I wish I could do like the movies and just own my power and my strength and stand up all tall and confident and walk bravely into a brand new day, but that’s not what I look like right now.

Right now I look like tears streaming down my face and red eyes, and trying to breathe deeply so my head doesn’t explode. I don’t see any options that look particularly enticing. Here is lovely, but it’s standing still… I prayed and prayed about it and was led back to LA.

Y’all wish me luck, please. Please keep me in your thoughts. I’m serious. Please pray for me that I can really move on in life now and not fail. I feel like such a failure. Please pray for me that I can do something good with my life and heal and have a good experience of life…

Please.

Ameen.

Day 533
Prayers Up

From → moving on

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