Day 531 – Move On

YO
Y’all. I’m trippin out. It’s my birthday. My hands are tingling. I’m pretty sure I’m having a panic attack. Missing my bestie again. I could tell him the truth about my panic attacks and he knew how to deal with them.

Here is the place I tell the truth to myself. Been afraid to come, because, oh, there is some truth to be dealt with. Like how I miss my Bestie and my Neighbor. But what is there to say to them? If I was to call, what is there really to say? I’m sorry? For what? And then what? Has anything changed? No. Will anything change? No. But will I ever find anyone like bestie again? Anyone who knows me so deeply… anyone who I can express the deepest parts of myself with and know that he can hold them… I miss him so, so, much, but I don’t want him back.

I miss all of my old friends and lovers and family who are no longer parts of my life. I guess with the men, I would have wanted us to be friends. I shouldn’t have dated, should have just stayed friends. My neighbor? He always noticed when I was about to pass out, when no one else noticed. He noticed the little nuances in the ways I dressed and he genuinely liked my style and he genuinely liked me. He was real catty and jealous of everything and he couldn’t stand people like me – people who he thought didn’t have to work hard for anything and who got things easily and magically. He didn’t understand that we have been doing our own work. Hard, grueling, heartbreaking work. We have been trying to reach points of integrity and we have understood so much less than people thought we did.

I’m not sure where this blog is going. I’m trying not to say it. I’m trying not to look at it. Trying not to see where I am on this road called life. I’m old now. There. I said it. I am old and I am not tired. I am actually ready. I am ready to break through. All the way. All the way .
through. I’ve never done this before. I’ve never said this before. I don’t know when was the last time that I decided I was just going to live life differently. When I went to college, more than a decade ago. I decided I would wear my natural hair instead of perms and weaves and I’ve been doing so since. And now I start again. Ready… I have to deal with all the time wasted. My mind tells me not to say wasted, but I don’t want to be verbally correct.

It feels like wasted. It feels like I could have been doing so much more with this incarnation; like I could have been feeling so much more joy; and sharing. I could have been sharing so much more Love. So now? What to do now? Is there a way to make up for so much lost time? You tell me that there is. Like a person at an alcoholics anonymous meeting – one by one. Piece by piece. It is time to finally get it together. Chip away, but don’t make it burdensome.

Chip away. Share. Share the Love. Just share all the Love in my heart. Just share it. Forget about it. Forget about all the awful things that folks have said. Just forget about it. I can let it all go. I really can… I feel afraid to be different than I’ve been before. I feel afraid to live differently. I feel afraid to accept being Loved… Can you imagine? All this time, I have been thinking I’m alone. All this time, I have been thinking that no one loves me. But it has all been a lie. I haven’t been alone. I haven’t been unloved. I have been surrounded by so much Love. I have had so many friends and so many Loves… I have been so special. Ungratefully special.

Today I got so many gifts. I got a computer and some new head phones and money and my brother got me some purses from overseas… I got so many calls wishing me Happy Birthday. I am Loved. I didn’t know I would live to feel this – to feel Loved. I didn’t know that a time would come that I would be accepted by others just as I am. I didn’t know that people liked having me around, but they do. And here I am. Around. I’m here.

The nerves behind my left knee hurt. There’s a huge energy in my chest and low back and belly that needs to be let loose. My throat doesn’t feel like it’s open. And I call upon you, God. Cubano was right. We can’t do this life on our own. There are forces so much bigger than us that are holding the Earth together. Can I make a decision now to never be ensnared in dysfunction again? Can I decide to just be? Just be the embodiment of the highest Loving intent in every interaction? I know people say it’s not easy, but it’s so easy for kids. We were kids once. Now we have seen the world and we have seen so much darkness and felt so much pain and had our dreams dashed and smashed and screamed at the moon. And still we are those little kids with delight in our eyes.

So what about this blog? I’m not going to edit it. Not even going to go back and see what needs to be done or focused on. It’s my birthday. A particularly monumental birthday. Let’s just let it be so. Let me let it be like before I went to college. I was excited. The future was ahead of me and I could be anything I wanted. I don’t know why it strikes such fear in me to let go of the past and just let what has been be – stop waiting on some man from whenever to reappear and say or do whatever. Stop holding my heart hostage hoping someone will say sorry for something they don’t feel guilty about or don’t want to apologize for. Just stop it. Stop it already. Just stop it.

Take these deep, agonizing pains and kiss them… Bless them. Thank them for the gifts they brought. Do you know the gift they brought, Laydie? Love yourself. I know it’s very unreligious, but I’m not talking about narcissism or selfishness. I’m talking about being willing to turn your energy, your Love, towards your own self, as a full grown woman, kiss those scars, cherish them for the compassion they’ve brought. Cherish them for the opening they have given you. You can feel again. You are connected again. You are a part of the flow of life again. Cherish these lovely scars for letting you know that it’s important to be in touch with your needs. Cherish these amazing scars for forcing you to be kind to yourself now. It’s so past due. It’s time to be kind to yourself now. Be kind to each other. Pick up yourself. Bless the past and move on… Move on.

Ameen.

Day 531
Move On