Day 528 – I Love You

Let’s start where we are. Another deleted entry. Making way for bigger thoughts. My best friend is proud of me, I know. And I miss him endlessly. In his absence, I see him clearly. Brilliant.

Once upon a time, he and I couldn’t think of more than three things that we appreciated about each other. I think I could write pages and pages now. We couldn’t get out of our way to let the world see us. We couldn’t get out of our own way to let the world see how good we are. I will work on forgiveness more. Perhaps he is just as evil as I last thought he was.

Do you believe in evil? The devil. The awful things and thoughts and beliefs within us that carry out into the ways we cause each other so much pain and the ways we cause the world so much pain?

I made a new friend today. She is awkward and so hungry for good friends. She reminds me of one of my sisters. I Love her dearly. I Love my sister dearly, too. I Love my sisters. I just had to say it out loud. I Love my brothers, too. We haven’t quite built bridges to each other so we can Love each other out loud in the ways we Love each other inside, but, oh! We Love each other greatly.

I wonder if I should help more. Take the lead. Fix things in my family. I hear my mentors telling me to fix things in myself first and everything else will fix itself. I see my brother struggling on his own to make a life good. I don’t know how much to take on and how much to put down. Inside, you tell me I know. And so I know. So I know… I didn’t know before how Loved I was. I didn’t even see or feel all the love around me.

And now I do. A resistance to moving forward, I feel. A resistance to breaking through. To write the words that will free me. My calm and crazy bestie talks to me in my mind. In my mind, he is sorry for everything. He won’t do it anymore. He won’t hurt me anymore. In my mind, he will see me as good at last and treat me as good at last, even when I’m not sick and dying. In my mind, he Loves me for real and he is loyal and giving. And I do not hurt anymore.

I do not hurt anymore.

I can forgive.

The heavy burdens are lifted and I walk on as the healer I am… I walk on as the healer I am…

What will we do without all our pain? What will our lives be about without all the drama? What do we know about Love and ease. How will we move around without the sorrow of ages round our necks? Can we accept this goodness? Or shall we go around this circle again?

Have we learned our lessons? So much pain comes with gifts galore. Only those with so much work good to give feel the depths of deep like we do. Are we ready now? Am I ready now? My teeth chatter. I know I have already walked through the door of no return. Now the question is, how long do I just want to stand here in pain? Do I want to turn back or will I move forward, fear or not.

It’s time. On this auspicious new moon night. It’s time… I see the heaviness in the world. I see the heaviness in myself. Surprisingly enough, I am not as dense as I thought I was. But people I Love are suffering. People in the world are hurting deeply. Me, too, but at least I am still hopeful. I don’t know how to get all involved in others’ lives without getting beat up and bruised. The hits have been hard… But I digress.

What I want this chapter to be about is love, forgiveness, prayer, gratitude, action, joy… I’m gonna say it. Breaking through. Busting loose. I accept it. I accept my breakthrough and I pray for those who I have trouble forgiving.

What would I say if I were really me? What would I say if I could write my way into a new experience of life? What is my Love letter to myself? What if power was not a dirty word, eliciting guilt and shame? What if I was just that powerful and I used my power for good? What if I needed my own power to actually be free? What if that was the lesson here for me? To turn all of this Love, all of this power, towards myself and set myself free? To stand in my own joy. Stomach it. That. Much. Joy. What if I could hold it? I know I can. And what if that was my gift to the world? What if my life was a gift to the world? A gift to myself? I would be OK with that.

What if all this pain, all these years, weren’t for nothing? What if this has been an initiation of sorts, combing the depths of darkness to find the pieces of ourselves that we had left behind, repressed, stifled, forgotten. Opening the wounds again so that this time, light could come in and we could let go and heal? What if I really am a healer? Shall we begin? To walk as if our lives mattered?

What if our lives mattered? What if we were making this all up? What if we could make it all up? What if I could start today? And today, I start with we instead of I. In a different way. Not out of obligation. Out of Love.

-You tell me to start with I. You tell me that I am already good. I don’t need to prove it by always giving my good stuff away to others. You say that when I am good I will do good, even more good to others, so don’t worry about trying to give away all the little that I have now. Feel what it is to give to myself first. Just allow that simple act without guilt.

We are reclaiming our lives. Reclaiming our power. Integrating at last. And so, let me start with a simple letter to myself. Love letters is this part. Love letters to myself. Because I need to remember. Because I need a reminder. Because I need fuel that’s going to put bravery in me so that I can dare to be happy and dare to be free and dare to love again and dare to be safe and dare to put myself out in the world and dare to care again… Oh! And dare to forgive. And dare to own my power. Oh, can I breathe? And dare to own the disowned parts of myself. Dare to be the alchemist that I am.

No more babbling. Write myself a life, You tell me.
-Use the tools I gave you…

Dear Laydie,
I know you have been used to carrying all these aches and pains around in you for so long. I know you have been hurting and back bent and bowed over for so long. I know you are used to carrying and carrying the heavies and feeling guilty about everything you have done and everything you haven’t done. I know you are beating yourself up for hurting people and for letting people hurt you and forgiveness and ease seem lifetimes away. But what if I told you that the pain could go away? What if I told you that you didn’t have to feel guilty and hurt and so heavy burdened anymore? What if I told you that forgiveness was possible and that you could get used to feeling light? I am telling you that forgiveness is possible and you can get used to feeling light. I am here with you. I will never leave you or forsake you. I see you for who you truly are. I see you and I will keep seeing you even when you make mistakes, ok? I won’t try and punish you or withhold my love and if there are lessons to learn, they do not have to come with so much trauma anymore. The age of Love is here. I Love You, Laydie. I Love everything about you, all of your scars included. Especially your scars. Every time you get scared or feel sad or feel so much pain or feel confused about what actions to take or feel resistance when you know what to do, please remember that you have a partner, a friend, a lover, here with you. I am championing you. I won’t leave you. I won’t stop liking you once you get good at stuff. I won’t try to take advantage of you if I see that you’re getting good at stuff of having a lot of stuff. I won’t try to pull your energy away from what’s good for you. I’m sorry I have done that before. It will never happen again. I’m sorry that this discomfort hurts so much… I want you to know that you are good. You’re a good person. I’m sorry that people have called you what you aren’t and it has hurt you so much. I’m so, so sorry my baby, that it hasn’t felt safe for you here for so long. I’m so, so sorry that people you were counting on betrayed you so. I know it hurts. The healing is here now. The medicine is here. My sweet Laydie, I have many gifts for you. I am a God for everyone, but in this moment, accept that I am a God for you, too. Just you. Don’t give your gifts away yet. Have them. Feel what it is to be given to, to receive… Don’t worry. You are a good person. I know you will give everything anyway. But you are hungry, my baby. You have been suckled with no replenishment for too long. You have gone too long without a hand on your back, without a touch of love… Let me fill you up now. Take it to the achiest of aches. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you…

I Love You

Day 528
I Love You