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Day 527 – To Come Alive (The Place Where Things Make Sense)

February 16, 2020

Third time again… What I would like to do now is find my North Star, point my arrow, and walk. Hello world. Long time. Much has transpired as usual.

The details?
My married friend came back to the states, but this time he didn’t see me. Went to the East Coast to do business or whatever. To do what he wants to do. Let me know he was in town. We talked and tried to figure out what happened between us. He was unwilling to be honest. We could only go so far. I told him the truth about everything. Something in me wanted to be a part of his life so bad. He was the partner that I wish I had, except he wasn’t. In real life, he’s not anyone’s partner, and neither am I, and we are used to being all by ourselves. The space between who we are and who we want to be was long and far for the both of us…

I dated another guy. A liar who wanted to get in my pants and so he told me everything he thought I wanted to hear. I’m sure he’s been diagnosed with several psychological conditions, but he’s pretty good at conning folks. He got halfway into my pants and I regret it, because I like knowing what’s going on with my body and not having to think about sexual health when I think about my health. I am glad that he didn’t get all the way in and that I actually I’m finally learning how to spot the con artists and keep myself safe. I feel sad that the con artists exist, though, and that they prey on the most loving and vulnerable of us all. And I feel sad that I have spent so much time being conned by the cons…

My sister and her son moved in with me temporarily. She came in and changed the whole tone in my apartment. The floors are clean, there is light and life, and I cleaned out a closet that I had been wanting to clean out for years. We are like night and day, but I Love her so. She is so full of Love. Such a beautiful soul.

I finished a class I was taking at my spiritual center. It went by so fast. I Loved being in community with people who were deeply interested in spirituality and growth. I loved being able to pray and meditate with people. Praying and meditating might be my favorite things to do. I remember a friend of mine (a super religious fanatic) told me that I would never get ahead in life until I put God first. It was a long time ago that he said it, but it rang true back then. I do believe that I am finally putting God first in my life… You happy now, friend?

Men from my past have been reaching out. Strangely enough, I got a lot of calls on Valentine’s Day. I’m not interested. I don’t feel anything. Feel a bit dead and confused, and that concerns me. More than dead and confused, though, I think I feel sad. And more than that, I think I don’t care about how I feel. I want to break through to a different kind of life experience now, and that is where I find myself today.

In a library. Trying to get focused. Trying to see what is next. Knowing that it’s time to move on and get on with life. Knowing that this is enough now.

What if I don’t know what I want, Allah?
-You say I know what I want.

What if I’m afraid to change? I went on a date the other night and the guy was a fucker and I’ve been hurt so much, it’s scary out there.
-You say learn from my past and grow from it. Grow now. Do things differently. Be different. End this cycle. You have the power. Use it…

So, my battery is dying on my computer. I want to post this blog before I head out for the night. “Heart don’t fail me now. Courage, don’t desert me…”

I am going to focus on living life as if anything is possible. I am always lifted by so many miracles and blessings, that I don’t know why it has been so hard for me to believe that anything is possible even though I have seen and felt it in my experience. If I believed that all of life was organizing around my success… If I really and truly believed it, what would I do? I would pull back focus. I would put the magnifying glass on me again. I would listen and take action on so many things that I’ve been holding back on. I would sit until I could feel and see the big picture of my life… the steps needed to move forward… and then I would take action.

I would take action and not make it a thing. Not make it a fight. Not make it me pushing against something in the world. I would recognize that this is the natural order of the universe. I would put all of my resources on deck. Every single one. And I would commit to my happiness. I would commit to living a life I Love to look at and a life I Love to be a part of. I would be done with all these sad, sad things and I would just be this joyous, loving leader who has been fighting to come out of me all this time. I would come alive. Finally. I would light my own fire and blaze along with others who have chosen to light their own fires, too. It’s time to come alive.

And how? Listen. Listen. Listen… Just listen. Listen. Do the things that you’ve been wanting to do for so long. Listen… Focus. Focused intent can move mountains… Relax… Allow… I know it is scary. I know that coming alive is the scariest thing you can imagine, especially now, when you are hurting so much. Especially now, when there is so much grief and fear. But fear is a liar and you are a warrior. Do not bother with trying to convince a liar of the truth. Convince yourself of the truth by living it and see.

See what happens when you listen. Focus. Listen. Focus. Listen. Focus. Feel your feelings. Write about them. Do what you need to do to process. I’m not saying you ignore your feelings. But whether you are sad or happy, even if it gets hard, and it might get really, really hard, do your best to come back here to me. To the place where things make sense. It always there, even when things don’t seem to make sense. Come back to the place where things make sense. You know it when you feel it. You know it when you are in it.

And you will find Me here.
Guiding you
Assisting you
Having fun with you
Healing you
Loving you
Appreciating you
Forgiving you
Acknowledging you
Seeing you for you who are
Adoring You
Giving you joy
Lifting you up
Protecting you

I am here with You, My Love. You have suffered much. I am sorry. I am so, sorry, my sweet everything…

I think I’m going to start writing love letters and apology letters to myself. It’s time to heal. It’s time to break through this place. I Love you world. Thank you for being with me through this roller coaster. Don’t give up on yourself. Reach out. Forgive yourself. Let yourself feel and cry and heal. And then do your best. Don’t be so hard on yourself if you don’t get it right. Don’t be so hard on yourself if you make mistakes. Just try. Try a little bit to get it better the next time the same situation comes up. Forgive yourself. Ask for forgiveness. I don’t know it all. I don’t know anything… But I know that I Love you and I wish you well..

xx

Day 527
To Come Alive (The Place Where Things Make Sense)

From → The Harvest

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