Day 529 – I Love You Again

There’s always so much to say. Just deleted an entry again. Gonna make this quick because I have to pack and have a long “to-do” list. Traveling tomorrow. A siblings wedding down south this weekend… Avoiding writing this. Emotions to the tip. Overwhelming… The sadness is really heavy.

I lost another almost husband. This one was stranger than the rest. He felt available. I can’t even remember the feeling now, but it was quite different than much of what I’ve felt in my life… My heart is kind of hurting. Actually, my heart is big time hurting. A compounding of disappointments. I don’t know how to pick them, OK? Let’s just call it what it is. I don’t know how to pick them. I always pick the ones who leave. Or the ones who cheat. Or the ones who Love you but make you pay for it by shrinking you and frowning at you and teaching you that you can’t shine with them. Or the liars who have whole other lives – wives and children and communities that I know nothing about – and sell me a dream. So, I’m not sure if this new guy is one of those. Well, he’s an old guy now, because he stopped talking to me about six days ago.

I met him at a magical moment. Another magical moment. I had prayed for magic to happen. A little over a week ago. It feels so long ago. Eleven days to be exact. I had prayed for magic to happen, because I was in a space with nothing, and I had all these dreams, and I couldn’t see how any of them would happen. I couldn’t really track how I would go from here to there, so I just prayed for God to get me there and I said I would surrender and get into the flow. My instinct told me to go do work in a local coffee shop, which was opened by a celebrity I admire, and so I went. As soon as I walked in, I saw a man see me. He walked up to the cash register, got behind me, and started a conversation with me. He invited me to have lunch with him, but I told him I had work to do, and I went upstairs… While I was up there, a little voice in my head kept telling me that I should have said “yes” to his invite. So, I thought to myself, I would come down and say sorry to him and talk to him once I was done with my work…

I came downstairs to get my food and they had called him to get his food at the same time. “You know you should have said yes to having lunch with me,” he said. I should have. I had lunch with him. It was only a short time, but the connection was deep and fast. I was in love. Or something. He was in love. Or something. When I left the coffee shop, he followed me out. It’s like he was just super drawn to me. He called me immediately. We talked briefly. I was caught up with stuff: babysitting, a friend needing help with an immediate project, moving, prepping for a wedding and situations popping up around that; and I didn’t have much time to talk to him.

He messaged me the next morning. Wanted to go do work on the beach together. All this time I’ve been in Cali, I have always wanted someone to do work on the beach with, but never found it. I was thrilled for the invite, but couldn’t come because I had a prior engagement. But my engagement was an hour away, and it just happened to be ten minutes away from where he lived. But he het me afterwards. For fifteen minutes. He held my hand, and I told him to be careful. He might fall in love with me… Later that day, he asked if I was afraid of him. I said no. I asked if he was afraid of me, and he said yes. He said he was afraid because he knows he can love me hard…

I saw him for the next two days. One of the days, we made out. I don’t never tell my business here, but whatever. Not quite made out. Not quite second or third base, but something in between. Less and more. I massaged him. He put his hand on my back. His hand was soft and warm and manly and protective… At some point, he told me he Loved me. Yep. He said it. He said I was his dream girl and the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. He said he thought I was out of his league… He asked me to go easy on him… At one point I touched his back and he started making all of these noises. He said I was ascending him… opening him to his greatness. I was loving him on purpose. I was touching him with love on purpose, but I didn’t tell him that. He wanted to go all the way that night. Third base. I didn’t, so I stopped the situation. According to him, he had been celibate for the past nine months and wasn’t planning on breaking his celibacy, but he’d finally met someone (me) that he could break it with… I didn’t know if I believed that story. Didn’t know if it was all game… My player radar is super broken, but I didn’t feel like having sex with some guy I barely know and having to worry about STD’s or babies or demons in my womb… So I stopped the red light special party before we could go all the way.

But we had already crossed lines. Dude was saying he loved me and I had already poured love into his body through my hands. He already held me like I was his and I had already welcomed his essence into my space… I didn’t know if I loved him. I just didn’t know. I just knew that I was truly enjoying a magical moment of touching and being touched by someone available. The feeling was different. He was available. And I almost was…

When he left, he called me. Told me he wants to love me. Asked me if he could love me… I was shocked. I didn’t know what to say. I had just met him. I didn’t know. I was still holding out for the dream celebrity superstar that I’m in love with. I was scared. He’s not the cutest ever, although he’s somewhat handsome in a unique way. But he wasn’t quite the dream mold. He didn’t come from the dream culture. I didn’t know. I wasn’t expecting him to move so fast… But he was scared. He kept asking me what was going on. What was I doing to him. What was this. He said he couldn’t afford to be heartbroken and depressed.

I didn’t know what to say.

The next day, he came and saw me. It was awful. We got into a bit of a disagreement because I asked him to park in my garage, instead of parking on the street where he had already parked. He couldn’t fit in my garage. He could have, but didn’t know how to maneuver his car to get in there. He got mad. Lost his original parking space. Talked to me in a harsh tone and told me that next time, when he says he’s ok with something, I should follow his lead… For some reason, his tone hurt me a lot. Also the whole “follow my lead” thing was a turn off. Was he one of those “follow my lead” men? Follow my lead even when I’m in a strange environment, your neighborhood, and I know nothing about it? I was livid, but more than that I was sad. My nephew, who I’m babysitting, who had been so loving to him the day before, cried and had a temper tantrum the whole time he was there.

The next day, he saw me again. This time he was kind of blaming me for opening his heart and not going all the way with him. He was confused. He was busy with his work. Oh, I forgot to mention that he had come into town for a short period of time to do some work. I had met him the day that he had arrived in town….

Now that I’m thinking of it, when he visited me the first time, during our make-out session, he had flashed a whole bunch of bills in front of me. I don’t even remember why he was showing me that much money. Did he think I was a prostitute? Was he trying to let me know that he has money? These are the moments I miss my best friend. He would be able to break man things down for me…

I feel like throwing up. Sometimes I wish I could be in the same world, in the same conversations as the people I’m talking to. It’s like one whole thing is going on with me and another whole thing is going on with them. Maybe it’s deception. Maybe we are not even having the same intentions for each other, and that’s why I can’t understand what’s going on. Because I’m getting played.

Maybe this dude saw me and was just trying to get in my pants. It won’t be the first time. He’s a motivational speaker and filmmaker and stuff, but it won’t be the first time that a thought leader who seems integrous has proven himself otherwise…

Either way, he got in there deep. He got under my skin quickly and into places that I don’t usually feel. And then on the fifth day, he disappeared. I sent him some messages and he called later, saying that he’s been on set and was just getting my messages… He said he would call me back. He didn’t. That was five days ago… I messaged him some and called, but no response…

I can’t feel my body too well. I feel a pain and an opening in my heart and neck and back that I’ve never felt before. My belly hurts… I’m moving today, but no one is here to help. There are people that I can call, but the cost is high… They want from me what I have no interest in giving them, and they will feel used if I don’t give them what they want…

On to a wedding this weekend, then to babysit a nephew on an island with sister, then to my heal the world project if I can pull off the funding for it, then back home to LA…

I don’t know if I’m only into this new man now because he has become unavailable. I wish I could change and be available, too. I thought I was growing. I thought this was it. This was the leap. This was the change. I thought this man was honest and he would take his time with me and we would see how things go and both of us would come out of this unscathed. But now I don’t know what is true or untrue and I am scathed… I am scathed.

The day does not wait for me to be healed. Bridesmaids gowns must be ordered today. Clothes must be packed. Apartment must be cleaned. Car keys found… Things moved. Plans made. A little toddler is playing with shoes. He will need lunch, a nap and a change soon. The world is not stopping for my grief, but this grief is trying me, God.

It’s huge… How he could he leave, Allah? How could he say all those things and disappear? Why am I always the dummy, the played, the unwanted, the hurt, the abandoned, the abused, and never the BeLoved by the ones I want to Love?

I am sitting here sobbing. An Earth angel, my nephew, just ran up to me. He can barely talk, but he came and made a funny face so I can laugh. He jumped on my lap and hugged me. Then he looked into my eyes, wiped my face and said “don’t cry”…

It’s been hard, Allah. I don’t really know how to “be” in this world. I’m so tired of feeling hurt and feeling like I have to protect myself from the world all the time. Help me, please… my heart is breaking…

Help me, please. I am grasping for straws trying to feel or see the good here.

Help me, please. The Love in my heart is blocked and I want to get it out. I want to feel Love and Loved and happy again. I want to feel joy again. I want to be safe somewhere besides the room in my apartment by myself again…

Help me, please. I want to know how to be. How to walk with these shaky legs… Yes, I am still willing to be here. 100%. I am here 100%. I’m not going anywhere. No, not on purpose. I’m not doing like those candidates who back out before they are voted out.

But I don’t want this to be a fight. I don’t want this to keep being such a long, arduous climb. I am doing my best to stay right here in my body. My body feels numb, but I’m doing my best to stay right here in it…

I am here… I feel the nerves in my whole body shaking. Everything is shaking. I feel afraid of everything. I feel sad about everything. For once, I am going to be ok with this. Nope. I’m not going to try and stop it.

What I’m going to do is use my own power. Use my own wisdom. I’m going to believe, just because there’s no other way through this – I’m going to believe that there is a way through this excruciating pain and I’m going to tell God thank you for this pain, that is bringing up all of the unhealed parts that have been blocking my way for so long.

I’m going to believe, God, that You were guiding me. That something is guiding me. That we are getting somewhere with all of this. And you were guiding me when you led me to call this part of my life love letters.

And I’m going to claim that the way out is to love all this pain. Just Love it. Claire Zammit said it in her Feminine Power course, but I didn’t know that it would be so hard. So, here we go.

This is me looking towards the very real pain in my low back on the right. I am touching you, my long time companion. You don’t have to hide anymore or pretend that you’re not there. I see you, so broken and hurt. I see you, curled up and withdrawn. I see you, and I am so sorry that you have been hurting so deeply for so long. Longer than I can remember. I’m sorry that you haven’t understood it all and have just been feeling blow after blow after blow, curled up and afraid. I am looking at you, and I want to tell you that I Love you. I Love you. Will you Love me, too? Even though we haven’t gotten so much right? Even though I haven’t always showed up for you? I am showing up for you now. On purpose. I’m touching you, like I touched that man the other day, with Love… You have my permission to be touched with Love. You have my permission to receive Love. I don’t want to tell you that it’s been all around you all along, because you don’t want to hear that. What I will tell you is that you can have it now. Yes. I will be here with you, getting stronger and stronger, and bigger and bigger, until this energy of love is bigger than the density. I will stay here with you…

What are you feeling? Sad? Alone? Desolate? Can I touch you with Love still? I can see that you feel sad, alone, desolate… unworthy… dirty. I will touch you with Love anyway. I Love you anyway… What do you need? You need me to be here with you? You need me to show up for you? OK. I can see that you need me to be here with you. I can see that you need me to show up for you. What do you need? You need me to listen now and take action on the guidance given. OK. I can see that you need me to listen and take action on the guidance given…

I Love you. I Love You, my baby. I love You. And I love you again. i love you again… I Love You again…

Ameen

Day 529
I Love You Again