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Day 526 – BeLoved Good Enough (Bad and Broken)

January 24, 2020

Third time’s a charm. Been sitting here for about two hours. Wrote two entries and deleted. And now this third one.

Sorting, sifting, processing. Love, forgiveness, relationships, identity shifts, good and bad, presence, end of cycles, birth, children, marriage, true love, passion, life’s work, sex, pleasure, good and bad again, judgement, money, the purpose of life, love… Real Love. These are the themes running through my head currently. Regrets. How to make amends and build healthy relationships when the other party hates you or doesn’t see you as you are or won’t forgive… Who to reach out to. Who to cut off. How to move forward.

Fear. Mending, mending, mending. Healing. Always me, healing? Am I healer? Who am I? Writer? Healer? Matsemala said I was a saint. He was old. He said he only comes across a person like me once in a life time. He’s dead now. My People said I think like less than 10% of the world changers. But I am here. Alone. And I don’t know how to fix my own brain and my own life.

You say I am not broken and let us start there. But, oh, I feel so broken. I look so broken. I feel so alone. I feel so alone, and so afraid to come close to anybody now… I want to shake off this identity and put on a new cloak, but I don’t know how. You say I know how. But I am afraid. Because I don’t know what. What will happen. And I don’t want to let go. Of even the bad. I am used to it……

You say that it is time. Or not. The choice is mine. The choice is hard, Allah…
-Then choose it easy now.

Choose it easy now…. Choose it easy, now. I do not have to say out loud what I am, who I am, but they will know me by my works. I will know me by my works. Work, now…

Can I be brave enough to be myself? Can I be bold enough to not be bad and broken anymore? I know I can, but do I want to? If I was a saint, do I want to be a saint? You ask me if I want to be myself.

– Do you want to be yourself? Yes? No? Maybe so? Choose easy now… Choose easy now… Choose easy now… BeLoved Good Enough. My Sweet Good Enough. Choose easy now.

Can I break through now? This circle and cycle of misery? Can I have a life I’ve never seen for me? Can I be safe here? Can I be Loved here again? Can I be forgiven? Can I be happy now? Can I have good relations? Can I be free? I want to make it all happen, but I can’t do it on my own. The people that I love hate my guts and I can’t fix it. And even if I could, they would hurt me still and hate me still, and I would love them still, and it all hurts so bad… It all hurts so bad, Allah… Can I not be so alone? Can I do this life with someone who wants to do this life with me? Someone who won’t hurt me? Someone who will meet me where I am and see me as something good and be good to me?

My heart is so Lonely, Allah. I long to be understood. I long to be seen as I am. I long to live life with someone. I long to give love and have my love received without being taken advantage of or betrayed or hurt or treated like I’m not wanted. I do not know the way. I am tired of religions and doctrines and manuals, all contradicting each other. I have not done a good job on my own, but when I look deep, so few have done a good job of keeping their hearts pure and open… I want my heart back, pure and open without heaviness. I want someone to share it with. I am so afraid of being hurt anymore. I am so tired of being hurt… I want to be held… I miss my dad.

There you have it. Somebody just called me. Just in time to get my out of my pity party. A friend. I’ve got friends. I actually Love and adore the friends I have. Even the ones I don’t talk to. God willing, I will learn to forgive and grow a bit. I will learn about boundaries and I will learn how to navigate this world, a sensitive, raw, open heart of Love that must be safe too. I will find the balance between monster and saint. Human… I will learn to forgive myself.

My married friend brought it to the surface – my loneliness. My desire for a family. My desire to have someone to partner with and do life with together. My need to get it together now. “Open out a way for the imprisoned splendor within … to escape” as Robert Browning put it.

I am not sad anymore. Who am I kidding? I’m just used to being sad. But I’ve turned the page already. A deep reverence for all that has happened brews up inside of me. A deep gratitude that I’m still alive and I get to tell the story of it. A faith in the Goodness of God. I’m not all holy holy any more. I’m not all stuck in the mud, either.

Can I forgive myself even if they don’t? Can I see myself as good even if they don’t? Can I be good? Can my actions reflect integrity and kindness and compassion and Love? Even for myself?

– You tell me to get all the tears out. One day, they will end. They will finally end. Yes. I know the answer already. Yes, yes, yes and yes.

I can be the BeLoved Sweet Good Enough instead of being bad and broken. I can choose it. Am I brave enough? I can choose it now if I like. I can really choose it now if I like. This initiation is redundant. We have already broken through. It is time we stop pretending we do not know what we know. We are fooling no one. Not even ourselves. And we are suffering much… We have already crossed over.

How does it feel to be Beloved, Sweet and Good Enough? Walk in your essence, baby. Walk as you are.

You are the Beloved. I Love you, my Beloved. My Beloved Sweet Good Enough…

Ameen.

Day 526
BeLoved Good Enough (Bad and Broken)

From → The Harvest

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