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Day 525 – The Offended

January 11, 2020

I don’t feel anything. I always get a little concerned when I don’t feel anything, especially when stuff is happening that would make it appear that I’m supposed to be feeling a whole lot of stuff.

I’m processing… Somebody’s husband told me yesterday that I essentially tried to seduce him and then got mad because he didn’t want me and only wanted to have sex with me, and so I hiked up our business negotiation prices because I was mad. I’m talking about my married friend. Who wanted me to be his mistress. Who cancelled our business deal. Who now told me that he didn’t want me to be his mistress. He didn’t want anything with me, he said. Just business. When he hit on me and tried to screw me, it was only because I seduced him and he felt like he had to do it, he said.

I don’t even know if he believes himself or not. He just might.

A month or so ago, I got accused for being at cause for the disappearance of one of my family members. A sibling had gone MIA for over two years. She said that the family had been conspiring against her and saying things about her. I had no idea that she thought I had started the whole conspiracy. A month ago, I found out that all this time, she thought I was the one who had told the family bad things about her and made them start a whole conspiracy. It never happened. I never said a bad thing about her (at the time she accused me of such) and had only said good things about her.

My married friend hasn’t spent more than two weeks worth of time with me in his life, and so I know that his opinion of me has nothing to do with me and everything to do with whatever experiences he’s had before me, but geez…

I am wondering why I am having and why I have had such extreme experiences of people just thinking I am capable of doing such foul stuff and being so foul!…

I got distracted. A few things happened. First, I wrote married man a text, just telling him again that I couldn’t believe what he was accusing me of, and also letting him know that God don’t like ugly. I was going to curse his children and tell him that I hoped his beautiful daughters met someone just like him that does them just like he’s doing me when they grow up, but I didn’t. Instead, I just told him that God don’t like ugly, and God definitely doesn’t like it when you hurt someone who means nothing but Love and help for you. And God really don’t like it when you hurt one of his people, and so I feel sorry for him, because he has been very, very ugly to me, a person who meant him nothing but Love and help and a person who is really on purpose one of God’s people.

The whole situation is saddening, but it is the last. It is a punctuation on a pattern that is now over. Enough. The end. I did my part in the whole situation. I entertained it… I still do not feel as sad as I feel I should feel and I am wondering if I’ve finally becoming a gangster, or I’m disassociating or if I’ve grown a bit in the past 72 hours.

An interesting situation happened, too, since I started writing this blog today. I am sitting in a Coffee Shop that was recently started by a celebrity I love. I met here this morning with a friend from one of my writing groups so that we could spend time writing together. At some point, a man sat next to me. I saw him looking at me from a distance at first. He sat next to me. Said he likes my haircut (I’ve gotten three compliments on my haircut so far this morning!). Then he said he knows me. Then he asked what I do. I said I was a writer, and then he started telling me about a project he has and asking me if I wanted to write it. Then my friend who I came with, who had previously had his headphones on, took off his headphones and looked in our direction. My friend joined the conversation, and, to make a long story short, my friend told the guy that we don’t take time away from our own projects to work on strangers projects for free, except if we are really compelled by the magnitude of the project. My friend also cut the conversation short, saying that he has to get back to writing his project. Shortly thereafter, I gave the man my business card. He took it politely and left.

Although I didn’t quite like the harshness of the way my friend spoke to the stranger, I appreciated his protection. I actually Loved his protection. I am reminded that I am protected. I am reminded of what the energy of protection feels like, and harmlessness. I am grateful and appreciative that I am sitting here with a friend who respects me and doesn’t want to hurt me and thinks I’m awesome and good and talented, and would never think that I want to steal somebody’s married husband. He would never think I would try to do that because he thinks I’m too good for that, and doesn’t think I would have to do that. I can get a nice, single man easily enough.

I also read a bit of the book I’m reading, “Busting Loose From the Money Game.” I paid my rent the other day, got car insurance (so I can drive Uber or something worst case scenario), got some clarity about my next career and life steps, got a down blanket for my bed with my Kohl’s credit card, which I had gotten two years ago and never used and which I had been getting good credit scores because of, and I bought a new sweater and some new jeans. I don’t even remember the last time I’ve bought clothes for myself. It was kind of a weird feeling to be buying new stuff.

I still miss my best friend and some of my old friends. In a perfect world, I would find a way to be at peace with them, they would see my heart and forgive my execution on some things, and they would treat me with kindness and niceness, and I would do the same for them. In a perfect world, my married friend, and all my other guy friends who hate me because they like me and think I’m trying to manipulate them with my sexuality because they are floored by my unconscious feminine prowess, would own their part in the bullshit that has become our relationships. They would grow. I would grow. In a perfect world, I would recognize that I do have feminine prowess that floors men, and I would stop pretending that I don’t know that Love like mine just isn’t that common and that if I don’t plan on being with a man, I might not want to have him in my bed or hold him or act any kind of way that I wouldn’t act if I was already boo’d up.

I would own up to my power. I don’t have any real power, but I do. I am a nobody, but I’m a somebody, too. I have too easily accepted the nobody part, but not the somebody part. In a perfect world, I would be somebody now. Act like I’m somebody’s mamma and get it together already. Fight for my life. Fight for the joy in my heart that so wants to live. Fight for my peace of mind. Fight to have good relationships. Use my words to build up instead of break down. Oh, I so want to learn how to use my words to build up instead of break down. I had gotten pretty good at it when I went overseas, but then these people… Dees people be working my nerves and sometimes I just feel like enough is enough. Somebody has got to tell somebody, because obviously they don’t know if they’ve been walking around the Earth with this wickedness for so long. Sometimes I feel like people come to me because they want to hear the truth. Because they want to heal and grow… And I come to them, too, because I want to be the truth. Because I want to heal and grow.

Another fragmented blog entry. I think the topic I had in mind was, “The Offended”. I was pondering how to get out of this place. How to move from being “the offended” and “the victim” so much. I don’t think it’s a war. I don’t think that’s the answer, to go out and try and teach all those “bad people” out there a lesson about treating us right. I think the answer is to get on the other side of things. Instead of trying to ward off the darkness, let the darkness contend with you. You be on the offense, not the defense always. I think something in this is true. I have not been alive. I have not been shining. I have only been at the effect of the darkness, instead of letting the darkness be at the effect of my light.

And it is why they say that even the darkness is a friend. It has been egging me on and egging me on and egging me on, and teaching me and punishing me until finally, we have reached a point that I have to shine. Not in response to this taunting game, but out of love for my own beating heart. Out of care for my own precious life. I have been wasting so much time putting out fires. I could just do like my friend did today when drama approaches, and tell it, “I’m so sorry, but I’m busy doing what’s good for me, which will ultimately result in what is good for more than me. I will consult with you as long as I can accomplish goodness for myself in the process.”

The war is over now. It’s time to come home…

Day 525 – The Offended

From → The Harvest

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