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Day 524 – Stay In It

January 7, 2020

I wrote a whole 2200 words and just deleted it. I was telling on myself. Talking about all the men who cheated on me in my past and how I interacted with a man recently who wanted me to be his mistress and I almost agreed. Lied to myself and put on blinders because I was so emotionally bereft and lonely, I just wanted someone to live life with, but ultimately, I couldn’t keep the blinders on for more than a week and I had to decline the opportunity to be a kept woman with a rich sponsor in exchange for my soul and morals… And now I’m broke again because I spent the last month or so not working in anticipation of said cheating man coming into town and doing a business deal with me. The business deal did not involve him cheating with me, at least that wasn’t verbalized. But I found out later that the business deal was not really a business deal. What was really going on is that this man wanted to escape his life and have a mistress (me), and doing business in America (he’s from overseas) was just the icing on the cake… It didn’t work out. God protected me. Or whatever. Something made us fight almost every day about nothing and stopped me from jumping on his penis and he decided he didn’t want to do business after all…

I also wrote about God and religion and about how I don’t know if I’m coming or going with religion and don’t even know where to start. I don’t care about much these days. It has been this way for some months. I miss my best friend and realize that he was super wise and smart. And super abusive, too. Nobody else actually lived life with me and knew me the way he did, though, and I feel terribly lonely without him. But I know that if I reconnect with him, he will take me through the emotional mud again, and I don’t want to go through that. He offered a deeper perspective on life that I don’t meet up with too much and he was always willing to go all the way with everything, or at least be honest with himself and me if he wasn’t willing to go all the way.

I’m broke. I don’t have a job. I don’t have any plans. I don’t have any friends for real. My family is ok, but they are away from me and I am not compelled to come close because mostly I don’t feel like I’m a good thing when I’m with them and I am emotionally depleted and tired of feeling like I’m not a good thing. There’s no man in my life. I have a car that Cheater helped me to get back in my name and an apartment whose rent is officially late today and no foreseeable way to pay my rent before getting evicted and people who owe me money who will never pay. I have unfinished creative projects and a farm overseas. I have men in my life who keep their distance when I’m not ok, and come around to play when I shine. A couple of them, the ones who have no clue how to love me, want to get partnered and boo’d up for real and resent me for not picking them even at my lowest.

My problems are too heavy for anyone else to carry, and mostly, even if people I know could carry them, they wouldn’t. They have their own problems. Many of them have problems worst than mine, and feel like I should help them.

I feel nothing, but will tap in now so I don’t fall into disassociating again. What are you feeling, Laydie? I am feeling lost, alone, and afraid. What do you need, Laydie? I can see that you need Love. Unconditional Love.

I am writing this blog to sort things out. To decide if I want to live or die. Death is not only for the dead. You can living a living death, just a zombie in this world. I want to live. A living life. I want to live. My will is weak, but there none the less. I want to live.

This is the hardest day of my life. This one right here. I know you’ve read a lot of busted blogs from me, but right here? This is the hardest day so far. Because I am not in fantasy land. I am totally aware of just how dire my situation is, probably not even all the way aware. And I feel totally alone. In the past, I have been a blind optimist, and me not seeing the potential bad things that could happen and the bad things are happening helped to shield me and keep my mind stable. I see the bad things now. I see the bad things that have happened in my life. So many. Not even blaming anyone. I will take all the blame. It still hurts. It still hurts to be here all alone not knowing what to do and not knowing where to go and not really having anyone who you think can and will help you for real without asking you to give things you don’t want to give.

This is the day that I’m doubting whether or not anything I believed in was true. This is the day I’m questioning the meaning of life and trying to find something to keep me interested in being here. I am not interested. I am not interested in saving the day and getting the money to pay rent and working some job with people I’m not connected to just to come home and pay rent again. I don’t know how to fix anything. I don’t know how to fix anything in my life. Let’s just be honest. If we knew how to do it, then we would do it. Or maybe we know, but we don’t follow what we know.

This is not a motivational post. It’s just me musing and processing. And deciding. Can I find a part of me that’s willing to stay here? Not so much. But I’m not tryna off myself, either. What can I find? What can I do? I am still here, in limbo. I can’t just wake up one day and say abra cadabra and all my life is changed. I don’t know what religion to start with or what my purpose of life is supposed to be. If I’m being honest, I just don’t know. I’d like to say all this and that, but I really don’t know. I think everyone is just holding on to whatever they can hold on to. Whatever can make sense to them. But there are holes in so many philosophies. But we just want something to hold on to… something to make sense.

So, I have agreed that I don’t want to die. I want to live, but I am so broken that I can’t honestly say that I believe in this good life any more. I don’t know if it’s possible for me. I don’t know if I’ll be able to figure it out. I don’t know if God loves me so much that he will give me something that I’ve barely ever seen in people who come from where I come – peace of mind, happiness, integrity, good relations.

I know that the choice I make today will determine so many other things in my life. I just got played and got my heart broken. Again. This time, I saw it coming and stepped right into it. Is it possible that I could do anything or be anything good, God? I am losing faith. I need to see You and hear You and feel You boldly.

I know this post is fragmented, but I’m going to post it anyway. If you are a friend or family of mine, don’t worry about me. I will be fine. Or I won’t be. I don’t know. What I need more than anything is just to be Loved. Just to be seen as a good thing. Please don’t ask me for anything. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to listen. I just want to be seen as a good thing. Just see the goodness in me. Just see the possibility for a good life for me. I can’t see it right now. I can’t see the goodness in life right now, but I know that just because I can’t see it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist, and so, God, I’m going to stay here, willing. I’m not going to pretend. I’m not going to lie to myself anymore. I’m not going to say I feel what I don’t feel or that I don’t feel what I feel.

But I am going to stay in it. Ok. That’s what I can do. I can stay in it. And I can keep taking steps as I’m directed, the best that I know how, religion or not. I’m gonna go do what you said now and apply for some money and read a book. Bless You, Everyone. I hope we make it through…


Day 524
Stay In It

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