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Day 521 – A Gift (On Making Meaning)

December 7, 2019

My brain is working now. Almost. 97 percent. But this is the clearest my mind has been in months. The heavy depression, or craziness, or adjustment disorder with mixed disturbance of emotion and behavior, is not taking me over, and I can see clearly now on this rainy day in LA.

I have been here for years, in this energy loop, haven’t I? I spoke with someone who’s known me since I was young today. She said she doesn’t see me living this life, scrapping by, sad, hair not growing (she didn’t say that part), not having enough money for stuff. She said she imagined I would be super rich and thriving and happy. That she looks up to me. I saw it finally. I saw that I have been here for years. Years. And this is not what I had in mind for my life.

A space cleared up in my brain. Like a window. An opening. I have been here, closed up in this foggy, confused, dark place for so long. I don’t even remember the days when I was so happy and thriving and carefree. And rich. And beautiful. But the people who knew me before remember. And the people who meet me brand new expect. I guess these years of my life have been the worst of me. I didn’t know there was a worst of me, but now I know. I guess that’s how compassion is built.

In the midst of the worst of you, can you remember? Overcome by darkness inside and out, can you hold on to the glimmer of light in you? I’m not telling you that I could. I couldn’t. I forgot it was there. I became consumed by a dark and heavy cloud for so long. But the light… The light has always been there. It never went away. I just couldn’t see it in so long. My life has been so sad for so long. My inner world has been such a storm for so long…

Do you know what I have learned in all this time? My head is hurting as I’m writing, I kid you not. What I have learned – what is taking root in me – is that God Loves me. I know you weren’t expecting that one, but that is the most important thing that I’ve learned. God Loves us. You say it is not true and there is no God and I say it doesn’t matter what you think is true. If you can not believe that you are loved, then how can you face the world?

Today I thought about my baby nephews. They don’t have to pray. They don’t have to adopt a religion and say affirmations in order to be taken care of and nurtured. They don’t need to know how to forgive or apologize for smacking someone in the head before they are given food and a safe place to lay their head. They, and so many of us, come into the world and we are fed. We are bathed. We are given places to eat. And then we are programmed and taught by whatever family we end up in, and the rest is history.

We make so much meaning out of all of it. We make it mean that we are good. Or we are bad. Or we are lucky. Or unlucky. Or God is good. Or there is no God. Or heaven is better. Or life is only here. We decided what people like us are capable of having and then we go about living it. And most of the time, we don’t even realize that we have any control over any of the awful things that happen to us. And some of the time, we don’t. And it all gets so confusing. We shut down, get sick, close off, involve ourselves in the most painful of experiences, stay afraid, don’t even dream our dreams, much less live them.

This has been me. I came into this blog that way. I couldn’t see myself. A scared, traumatized bird just flapping and flapping in a cage, not knowing how to fly anymore. Not remembering that I could fly. Just hoping that I will be safe somewhere. Just hoping that whoever did it to me won’t do it anymore and not even knowing what he/she did.

I lost my mind. I really did. In this time since my last entry, I freaking lost my mind. So much happened with family and friends. I lost most of my friends. Me and my best friend for over twenty years, the person I talk to almost every day, had a falling out. I don’t know if we’ll get back together again. All kinds of craziness happened with family. Car got towed. If I write out all that has happened in a mere month a half, the clouds will come back in my brain, and I want to hold on to this opening, this oxygen that this open window provides so all I will say is,

“My barn having burned down, I can now see the moon.” — Mizuta Masahide

and I learned that I don’t know much, but I know much.

And that I have no power at all, but I am super powerful.

And that plants grow. The don’t have to read a book or go see a counselor or practice anything to grow. They grow if you plant them in the right soil and they have water, sunlight, and protection.

I am my own kind of plant. We are our own kind of specie, but we grow.

My thoughts were consuming me and so I decided to stop giving them credence. My brain broke and I stopped making it mean anything. Heck, I couldn’t make it mean anything if I wanted to. I was busy trying to get my body to stop trembling so that I could send out a text and ask for help. And I asked. And I decided that I want to live. I want to thrive. I do. The open window in my brain is not big enough yet for me to yell these things with passion, but it is here, and in the clarity of oxygen in my brain, I know that it does not make sense to make too much meaning out of things. I don’t know.

I could beat myself up for being in this energy loop for so long. For taking over ten years to finish a project that would honestly take ten months of part-time attention at most. For being so poor for so long even though I’ve had money in big sums and so many opportunities to make money. For having so many dysfunctional, unsatisfactory relationships with so many people – men, friends, colleagues, family… For being the perpetrator and victim of so much pain. I could make this almost ten year dark night mean that I’m a bad person. That I’m cursed or something. That somewhere in my childhood, I did something really bad. That I picked the wrong religion. That I’m crazy, stupid, dumb, weak… Or I could say that I’ve been going through an initiation. I’ve been learning all of the deep things about myself and humanity that I will need in order to be a great humanitarian and artist. I could make all of this mean that I’m brilliant, strong, powerful… I could say I’ve been being blessed out of the wazoo with such depth of experience, and I could find evidence for all of the meaning I’m trying to make.

But the window in my brain gets smaller when I try to make meaning, and I need to breathe. And so I go in the direction where the oxygen pours in. When I just give thanks that I have found a window where I can breathe, my mind is soothed. When I just allow for the possibility that there are Universal forces focused right at me, helping me, no matter what has happened or hasn’t happened in my life, and when I allow myself to accept help, my brain is nourished and my body relaxes a bit,

I wanted to reach out and give something today. I have been hoarding my self. I thought I was only good enough if I had something good to give. IT’S A LIE.

“Give now. Just give. It will land where it is needed,” You say.

So here. I offer you a window. A reminder that you are more than this dark cloud. There is light in you yet. Even if you don’t know what all of this means and why it all happened… Even if you never know and it takes you a long, long time to get it right, I still Love you. I forgive you. I still Love you… Be Blessed.


Day 521
A Gift (On Making Meaning)

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