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Day 522 – The Other Side (Come With Me)

December 14, 2019

I talked to mom earlier. She’s super sad. Me, too. I’m feeling super sad. A different kind of super sad. There is always so much to write about, but I’m in the Writer’s Guild library and they close in 25 minutes, and I want to post something before I leave, so I’ll edit as I’m writing and hopefully something good will come out.

It’s been one of those days. One of those weeks. One of those years. One of those decades. I decide to sit up straight instead of slump over in a powerless posture like I’m currently inclined to do. I think the problem is Love. Not enough given. Not enough received. Wondering how we got here. Eyes opening. Seeing the darkness in the world. Feeling the pain that we’ve been staving off for so long.

Not knowing how to fix it. Not knowing how and where we fit in all of this.

My greatest fear coming to fruition. Can I tell you a secret? I think I might have told you this already. When I was younger, eight years old to be exact, my school put me in a gifted and talented program called S.P.I.R.A.L. Once a week, a bus would come and pick me and a few other kids up, and we would go to this fancy bigger school for a day, and play with puzzles and games and do all this brain stuff. It was weird to me and I had no idea why I was there. All I knew is that it was different. And we were supposed to be smart. Or special. Or weird. When we came back to our regular school, the other kids looked at us like we were weird. I didn’t like it.

I stayed in the gifted and talented, or GT program throughout elementary school, and then when I got to middle school, I was in the gifted and talented program again. I didn’t really take classes with the cool kids or the normal kids. And, on top of being in the weird GT program, people would tease me because of my skin color and my hair and my height and my pimples… I wanted to bad to be normal and fit in somewhere. My friends were the odd balls who didn’t have friends…

When high school came around, I had figured out what to do about my hair and my acne had calmed down a bit and I started dressing cool and I grew a butt and some boobs that made up for my height. All of a sudden, I was attractive and the popular boys and cool girls wanted to be my friend. I was supposed to be in gifted and talented classes again, but I told my mom I didn’t want to be in them. And so she let me be in normal classes. We both didn’t understand the implications then…

I’m telling you this story because since I was small, I never wanted to not be normal, even if not being normal meant being smarter than normal. I wanted to fit in. I didn’t want to get too smart. I didn’t want to do too much.

The funny part is, all my life, I haven’t been fooling anyone but myself, thinking I fit in all this while, while other people are looking at me and wondering why I’m hanging out with the normies…

So now, here we are. My greatest fear. Through pure necessity for survival, I have been forced to tap into the depths of the core of my being, because I want to live in spite of everything, and guess what I found out? I’m not normal. I don’t belong. My greatest fear… Of course it’s not true. Perhaps the not being normal part is true, but not the I don’t belong part…

My mom has been through a lot this past year. I don’t know why I feel so sad for her. She and I have been through a lot. I know that she wants exactly what everyone wants. Someone to love her. For real. Not look at her with a scowl. Give her a safe place. Forgive her even if she is nuts and just see the love in her heart. Hold her. Listen to her. Respect her. Enjoy her company. I want the same, but haven’t figured out how to create. Dumped all my friends.

I miss them… What can I say? I miss them. We’ve spent our lives together. My best friend and I have talked almost every day for almost the past twenty years… It’s not his fault that I woke up one day and needed someone to look at me without a frown on their face. He’s been frowning at me regularly for the past twenty years and I’ve been ok with it. But I’m not ok with it now, and he can’t change, even if he tried… What to do?

I don’t have the answer. Find new friends? It feels like such a betrayal. But staying in situations where people are just causing you so much pain doesn’t feel right either. Maybe I’ll go talk to a counselor about this. Yep. I will.

What I want to say, even though I feel sad and I wrote a sad blog, is a realization that came to me earlier. We’ve been here for a long, long time. In this loop. On this sad of happy. We cross over every now and then, but never fully. Something profound has happened to me recently. This open window in my brain. I can see things for what they are. And what I want to say is, let’s make a decision. Don’t be captured by the sadness. Sure, it’s here. Sure, there’s a lot of processing to do. But the most powerful thing we can do for ourselves and our lives is to make a decision and a commitment. Let’s make a decision to break through. Now. We’ve been here long enough. This story is sad enough. We’ve paid all of our dues. We understand now. We’ve learned our lessons. We’ve been humbled to the ground.

We. Have. Found. Ourselves.

Yes, we have. We’ve been here all along. Let’s make a decision now. God didn’t leave us along just to suffer. I don’t understand most of any of it, but I know that there is power in a true 100% decision. Let’s choose to break through. Now. We’ve been here long enough. It’s time. Come with me, please. I am going to the other side. All the way. I want you to come with me. Please. Don’t let all my words go in vain. Come with me. We can do this. We deserve this. Let’s go to the other side. Now…

Day 522
The Other Side (Come With Me)

From → The Harvest

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