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Day 520 – Sad Stuff

October 25, 2019

I’m procrastinating. Not that much, but a bit. My emotions getting the best of me. Need to write it out. Don’t want to be walking around all heavy like I’ve been for half of the day today.

I’m lonely. I’m surrounded by people, but I’m lonely as hell. Nobody liked my lasts posts. I guess they sucked. LOL. Sorry. I’m gonna keep them up there, though. Paint a real picture of this journey. It’s not always pretty with an inspirational ending. My thoughts don’t always come out pretty. Everything about me isn’t always lovely and light. I have parts of me that others don’t like. I’m kind of kind and lenient with myself, so I like most parts of me, but I can see how everyone I interact with might not think that I’m awesome all the time, and might not be as compassionate and nonjudgemental towards me as I am with myself…

Tonight I’m in Starbucks. I’m supposed to be sending out two emails to two people. One of them is supposed to be producing a movie I wrote. The other could potentially buy and make one of the TV shows I wrote and my life could change instantly. Like, by the end of next week instantly…. I am feeling sad, though.

I don’t care so much if my life changes instantly and I make a bunch of money by the end of next week. I know I’m supposed to care, and I have bills and debts and stuff, but it doesn’t matter so much if my life changes instantly, because there is no one to share it with. And I don’t care about money or fame or prestige. It comes with the territory if I am successful in my career, but what I really care about is sharing this journey with someone… Deep.

So I am here, back at the beginning. I see what’s going on. I am back at the beginning. The same pattern. The same cycle. I don’t know how to get out of it. I am scared that I’m gonna have another seven years of how not to cry every day, and I’m tired of crying every day.

I wonder where I can go. What I can do. I have family. A lot of them. Some of them are nice. I’m not enemies with anyone. But most of us aren’t living life together. Most of us have blocks between us, that limit the full expression of ourselves with each other. Mad about something from whenever. Hurt. Scared we’ll be judged or shunned. Fears are valid. Me? I just can’t ever seem to get as close as I want to. I always meet up with some kind of pain. Some envy. Some competition. Some withhold. Something feeling like someone trying to put there thumb on top of me and bend my shoulders, or someone trying to pull my strings and make me doing something I don’t want to do. Some distrust. Some unforgiveness… That’s not the whole story. There is love and kindness and fun and deep bonds and care mixed up with all of this, and that’s what makes it particularly painful.

Because I want to talk to someone, and it just be easy. i want to hold someone and it just be easy. I don’t want to feel all the blocks between us. I want to do this life with someone. Someones. For real. To smile big.

I am loosing the smile in my eyes, and sometimes I feel like I’m the only grown up trying to hold on to some white eyes. Most of us have given up and given in to the status quo of the world. But inside, in our journals, in our deepest thoughts, in our hearts, we are crying.

I bought into the fantasy. The Advisor told me to change the channel on my fantasies. I bought into it, though. I bought into this idea that life can be good. Like for real. Like deep in your heart content and having enough and true friends and true family…

There are men here. They love me. They like me. But I will break their hearts. Because they all want something from me that one day they will realize I won’t give them. I’ve told them. But I’m still single. And they’re still single, divorced, separated, or whatever. And if I was smarter, I would just marry one of them. My Neighbor is cool and he loves me much. But I find reasons to reject the ones who love me and pick the ones who don’t. My reasons are legit, mind you, but still… Love is worth something. I’m actually asking myself why I won’t get with my neighbor???? Dude Loves me. See what desperation does? I know I have several reasons why I haven’t dated this guy over all these years, but I can’t think of not a one right now. 😦

The Starbucks I’m at will be closing soon. On this blog, I don’t have an inspirational message, either. I am afraid of everything, but I am not happy where I am, this way, so far apart from having a clear energy flow between me and others, without interference. Maybe that’s a new poem or song. Interference.

I don’t know if I should stay here, God, but wherever I go, there I am, and there is nowhere to go now. There is no home except here where I am. The sibs are all growing and they have their own lives. My mom is still her. Lovely yet controlling. My best friend is a guy who, when he’s around, his presence stops any other man from hitting on me ever…

I don’t know. I’m gonna get offline now. Gonna go ahead and just feel sad. Don’t even feel like pushing myself out of this, coaxing myself, none of that. I don’t know how much of what I believe is actually true. I don’t know if there is a “true” or if truth is relative. I am realizing now that what I’ve been told since childhood, that I think too much, might actually be true.

There is no stopping it, though, and so what I can do is lean into this. Just lean into the feeling. Stop trying to not feel. And I’m going to see if I can jump off this ledge for real tonight. I’m gonna do my best ok. Not a ledge like a suicide ledge. Jump off this ledge and into a different experience of life. I don’t know if I learned everything I’m supposed to learn in the previous chapters of my life. I don’t know if when I take certain steps if I’m gonna fall on my face or life is still gonna be the same.

I don’t know if I’m gonna lose everything and if there’s gonna be anything to replace everything I’ve lost. I don’t know. But I know I just can’t do this anymore. Take me now if we’re gonna have a repeat of How Not to Cry Every Day for the next seven years.

I’m going home. I’m going to send out these two emails before I go to sleep. I’m gonna surrender, and not even try to understand everything that’s going on and just listen to you, God.

Be Well.

xx

Day 520
Sad Stuff

From → The Harvest

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